what sandra thinks

I had this vision… a picture in my head of something I wanted to make. So I sat down with my laptop… opened my poor excuse for a graphics program and started working. And then I finished. And it looked nothing like my vision. Crap. It was crap. Okay… it was crap to me.

I do this a lot – set out to make something with a picture of the end result already in my head. And when the actual result doesn’t match, I feel that it’s a failure. Maybe it’s still good… but not to me. Maybe I work better without a preconceived vision. Or maybe I’m just not that good.

So much for my vision.

Now let’s talk about beliefs. Or… I’ll talk about beliefs. And why I have none.

I’m not going to get into a whole thing about religion. That’s a touchy subject and I’m not interested in getting into a debate or in someone trying to impose their faith on me. But here’s my thing: Whoever is looking out for me, if anyone, is just mean. I’d rather believe there’s no one than believe someone hates me that much.

I think I’m cursed. Or I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve good things. Or I’m the punch line in some horrible other-worldly life-long joke.

Don’t misunderstand… I don’t want to be someone who walks around with a sunshine stick up her ass. That’s not me and I don’t want it to be. Oh, hell no. But damn.

Have you ever watched a tv show (usually a comedy) where there’s one character for whom everything goes wrong? It’s funny, right? We laugh. We usually know what’s going to happen next because we know it’ll be whatever the character doesn’t want. It’ll be the worst-case scenario.

I am that character. And maybe someone is laughing at me. Maybe whatever universal phenomenon is supposed to watch over me needed some comic relief. So glad I could help.

Except… at the end of that sitcom or movie, something usually works out for that character. Maybe even everything. So we feel justified in laughing at the poor guy (or girl) because it all worked out in the end.

When does my show end? When does it all work out for me? Do I literally have to wait until the end? Are things going to suddenly start working out when I’m 80? 90? Is that the end of my show? Because that’s a long fucking show. By then, no one will be watching. Including me.

Final assessment: I feel beaten. Unworthy. Powerless. But… not completely hopeless. So… yay. (Sarcasm.)

©2017 what sandra thinks

The real Monday didn’t seem to exist this week. But today might as well be Monday.

I missed my moody monday post. It’s not that I wasn’t moody… which is clear from yesterday’s post. That could have been a moody monday post. But like I said, Monday didn’t seem to exist… so I totally forgot.

This could be a moody monday post, too. I’m sorry in advance.

It’s more of a venting post than anything else. I don’t think anyone has any answers to my situation. Fuck knows I don’t.

Yesterday was the unofficial last day of summer. My husband took the day off. It felt like Sunday. Today the kids started school. This brings me back to that whole time-alone thing which is great… and also sucks.

The kids were about to rip each other’s throats out so it’s good that they’re back in school. My daughter was dying to go (grade 4). My son, less so, but he was still happy to go (grade 7).

Is it bad that this picture is appropriate for about 90% of my posts?

But it sucks, too. I am still confused about how to handle my job search and right now, it’s punching me in the face. (I know… this again. I’m sorry.) I hate when I ask my husband what he thinks we (I) should do because he never says anything except ‘I don’t know’… and that makes me want to punch him in the face. I don’t know either… maybe he could help figure it out?? We’re supposed to be in this together. Sigh.

I need to contact my recruiter to let her know I’m available again (summer was out)… but I’m afraid she won’t find me anything AND I’m afraid she will. I’m not sure if I definitely need to tell her I can’t work a regular 40-hr week. But what if a 40-hr job comes up that’s perfect for me? Of course… the schedule…

But there’s also this other thing…

Before I was laid off from my last job, I helped everyone with everything. So… on my resumé, I have some ‘extra‘ skills and experience that could help me find a job. However, I HATE those particular things and do NOT want a job doing them.

But those things seem to stand out. Those are the jobs that seem to come up. Probably because they are more defined than what my real job was… which is impossible to label. But these other things… they are low level, crappy paying, soul-sucking, hellish jobs. And I’m WAY overqualified. I know I’m getting desperate but I don’t think I can psychologically handle that. It could push me over the edge.

So the question is this: Do I remove those things from my resumé completely so those jobs stop coming up? Or is that just narrowing my possibilities? But if I will slip into deep depression with any of those ‘possibilities‘… what’s the point? Do you see my dilemma? And no worries… I don’t expect a solution. Not sure there is one.

I know it sounds like I’m asking for too much but I don’t want to hate my job so much that I cry at the mere thought of it. And the schedule is so important. I don’t want to fail my children. They should be able to participate in whatever they want just like other kids. If not me, there’s no one to drive them around. Maybe other parents have friends or relatives to help out. I don’t have that. I don’t know how to do both… all… whatever.

This is a long rambling mess but I don’t have time to go back and clean it up. The zipper on my handbag broke and I need to go buy a new one. Oh yeah, I know. More good luck. (Sarcasm.) Then again, it’s getting late and I’m going to need to pick up the kids. I probably don’t have time for that anyway…

Like I said before… I think I just needed to vent… I don’t have any answers… I don’t expect anyone else will either. I’m just tired of feeling alone with all of this. Sometimes, it feels like it’s slowly killing me. I wish the answer was ‘just take any job‘ (and keep looking for something better) but I can’t do that. If I didn’t have kids… I could. But I do and I can’t.

Not-Monday mood assessment: Confused… sad… lost. But surprisingly, I’m not sobbing or anything. I guess it’s a calm sadness. For now. I do feel like I’m going to throw up, though.

p.s.: Again, I’m embarrassed by my inability to figure out my stupid life… and I question posting this at all. And again, if I change my mind… down it comes…

©2017 what sandra thinks