hello.

Hi friends. Remember me? Forgive me for disappearing. It has been ten days since my last post… 

I’ve had a lot going on while at the same time I’ve not had enough going on. Explain that? I don’t think I can. The best I can do is to sum things up like this: I lack purpose. I’m not happy with huge parts of my life, but what I’m not happy with is impossible to change so I need to learn to be happy with how things are. And I need to find something to give me a reason to be. This is what I’ve been trying to do. It’s not working.

I’m supposed to be trying the journal thing I mentioned a little while ago. I don’t know why I can’t seem to remember to do it. I can’t seem to remember a lot of things.

Often, at night, I come up with things to do the next day. I even write them down. But somehow, the next day, I pass right by that list… I don’t even notice it’s there… right beside my bed. Or… I do notice it… and I read it… and I am completely uninterested in anything on it. Yet night comes and they all seem like great ideas again. What the hell?

Always on that list is writing. But that’s (obviously) not happening.

I’m dying for inspiration. Dying. Everything in my life just feels… blah. Nothing is inspiring. It’s just… mundane, boring crap… or upsetting, difficult crap. [And now that summer’s over, I don’t even have those summer escapes to Mom’s.]

What I really want (among other things) is to be excited about some sort of writing project. But it’s just not happening. I think it’s because my life feels empty and meaningless. So much so that I can’t find anything inside me at all.

Prompts rarely (never) work for me. [God, I hate that word… ‘prompt’. Why does it annoy me so?] I need something more. Then again, ‘more‘ may not help me either.

I just want something that I want to write so passionately that I can’t wait to find time to get to it. Something I want to be working on all the time. Why can’t I get excited about anything? God, I miss that.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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late anniversary.

burnt: by the numbers.

My blog anniversary came and went last month… and I totally forgot. WP doesn’t tell me because I opened my account way before I started blogging… so when I truly started blogging isn’t the date WP thinks is my anniversary.

Anyway…

September 14th was the date. It’s been three years. I don’t really have anything exciting to say. I feel kind of blah about it because I feel like my blog is blah now. I loved it for a long time… but it’s kind of on life support at the moment. My creativity has left me… my mind is full of only dark things. It’s just… blah.

On the bright side, this is my third post in three days. Maybe I’m not totally dead inside.

To recap the last three years (in no detail whatsoever):

I have posted five multi-part fiction stories. [I think it’s five… but I could be wrong.] Plus a whole slew of smaller fiction pieces.

I have posted over 350 poems. [Yes, I counted… but I got lost around 357.]

I have posted too many times about my personal struggles.

I have [hopefully] made people laugh.

I have even posted a few recipes.

I opened a shop full of cool stuff.

I participated in the A-to-Z Challenge three times. [Technically four since one year, I posted twice a day with two different themes.]

And I’ve met many wonderful people.

Thanks for being here. Especially if you’re still here… reading this right now.

Time for some cake. I should celebrate, right? I mean, I have to. It’s only right.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in blogging, milestone, writing | Tagged , , , | 41 Comments

random things. #2

random - whatsandrathinks

I had a few random things I was going to write about, but I had to do something else first and now I can’t remember what they were. Seriously. It was ten minutes ago. I have a memory deficiency. I wonder if I can get any of those things back?

I will try. But these are probably just new things. I think the others are gone forever… fallen into the dark void that is my mind…


I need to find ways to ‘treat‘ myself that don’t cost much… or anything. I relaxing bath doesn’t do it for me. And I try to stay away from cheesecake and donuts as those have a tendency toward loss of self-control. The treats I want cost more than I should spend… or they involve a certain Asgardian who shall remain nameless since you already know his name.

[Any excuse to post a picture of him…]

I cannot believe I’m even considering this… but the last time I saw my MH NP, she suggested that I try writing a—wait for it—gratitude journal. Barf. I told her flat out that whenever someone suggests that to me (and I’ve heard that suggestion a million times), I roll my eyes. She was not surprised… she said that is the response she usually gets. She even said, “I know it sounds corny,” but that if I give it a chance, it can be ‘powerful‘ (her word, not mine). I didn’t believe her… but… it doesn’t even have to be daily… even just one thing a week. It can be any little thing that I’m thankful for. My kid gave me a hug. My father-in-law brought over a cake for no reason. I agreed to try. This was Monday. Today is Friday. I haven’t started. Or maybe I have… just now… with those two examples I gave… which are real things. But I feel so lame doing it. It just sounds so inane and hokey.

[This journal can be yours…]

I really hate when my girl comes home and tells me something her friends have or do that she doesn’t. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel bad that I can’t give her everything. For example, she has a really good android phone (like everyone else in my house), but most of her friends have iphones so she wants one of those. She also wants an ipad. And there’s more… a trampoline… even a cat. And then there was that Panic! At the Disco concert that she didn’t get to go to… Sigh. I need to teach her to be happy with what she has and not dwell on what she doesn’t have. Hey, that sounds familiar. I haven’t been able to figure that out for myself! How can I steer her in the right direction if I’m lost?

It would be great if I could make dinner and have everyone eat it without complaining. My son is really picky. I know I shouldn’t give in, but if he doesn’t like what I cook, I make him something else. And when my daughter sees that he gets to have whatever he wants, she doesn’t want what I made either. I’ve tried telling them that if they don’t eat what I cook (I am a good cook… my food is yummy… and usually quite healthy), they don’t get dinner. But then they literally do not eat. Tonight… I will eat my leftover steak stir-fry (which is amazing, by the way). And the kids will eat… something else. Mac and cheese? Grilled cheese? A fucking frozen pizza? Ugh… I hate it!

Well… those were serious-ish. Enough of that.

I love having nice, fresh, clean sheets on the bed. I would change/wash them daily if I wasn’t too lazy to do it. [Plus that would use a lot of water and such.] If I was obscenely wealthy, I think I would pay someone to do it for me. All three beds… not just mine.

Teenage boys have a smell that is not often what I would describe as ‘pleasant.’

I painted my fingernails this afternoon. They are a lovely shade of clear.

I would really like the damn slime fad to end. Do you know what that is? I’m done buying glue. The thing is… my daughter has gotten so good at making it that her friends ‘order‘ from her and she sells it to them! But I’m not seeing a return on investment. She’s got quite the racket going.

The butter pecan flavored creamer from the supermarket does not make a cup of coffee taste like Dunkin’ Donuts butter pecan swirl coffee. But Dunkin’ only has that flavor during the summer. Now they have gross things. Like pumpkin spice, which tastes like vomit.

And with that… I’m done. For now.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in life, random, writing | Tagged , , , | 43 Comments

award questions… answered.

As I have not been much for writing lately, I was thankful that my friend T over at No Love for Fatties nominated me for a Liebster Award, complete with eleven interesting questions to answer. I thought her questions might help me write. And I think one of them might even spark a whole separate post. So thanks for that, T.

I’ve done this particular award a bunch of times. But as I have pretty much stopped doing awards, I’m just stealing the questions… and answering them.

  1. If you had to pick just one classic Disney movie to watch for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why? I’m talking released pre-2005.
    I was immediately going to say Tangled because it’s my favorite, but that was released in 2010. So… Monsters, Inc. (2001)… or Sleeping Beauty (1959).tangled.
  2. If you had to choose between saving a clown from a horribly painful death or ordering a free pizza, what kind of toppings would you get?
    Mushrooms and onions.
  3. Does the world really need the new Grinch movie that is coming out this holiday season?
    Oh, hell no. Not even a little bit.
  4. When you go to the movies, explain to me your thought process – where do you sit? Why? Snacks – do you bring your own or buy there? Pay for VIP showings? Time of day? How close to opening night do you go?
    • I sit in the center of the middle row. It’s the best view… and now that the theaters around here let you buy specific seats ahead of time, I always get the seat I want.
    • I don’t usually snack at all, but if I do, I bring something with me… pretzels, granola bar, or if I’m splurging, M&Ms. Snacks at the theater are waaay overpriced.
    • I have never paid for a VIP showing.
    • I will go on opening weekend for some movies. As I am cheap and broke and reclusive and often with my kids, I usually go to the first show in the morning on Saturday or Sunday when the ticket prices are lower and the crowds are smaller.
  5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
    If I don’t consider proximity to family (which, in reality, would be a deal-breaker), I would say Italy (Tuscany). Or Australia. Or Hawaii (but at this point, I’d like to get the hell out of the US).
  6. How early do you start your Christmas shopping? Are you a “gets started in May” type of person, or an “Ooo it’s December 23rd already? Better get shopping” person?
    I hate Christmas, especially Christmas shopping. HATE. I make a list of what I absolutely must buy, and I order it online. If I absolutely must go out, I plan with my list and do it all in one day. This usually happens between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The sooner the better to get it over with. However, with my unemployment status and other such nightmares, I won’t buy much. Thankfully, people in my life understand and don’t expect me to overextend myself to buy them things they don’t even need or want.
    [Side note: I hate Christmas crowds. If I just want to buy some damn laundry detergent, I have to deal with far too many shoppers at Target. It pains me. January cannot come fast enough.]
  7. What’s the perfect way to celebrate your birthday?
    With a cheesecake and a fork. That’s the PG version.
  8. Do you have different versions of yourself depending on who you are talking to?
    I do… but the act has been getting harder lately as I suck at ‘faking it.’ But, yes, I am different with different people… my kids, my mom, my sisters, my husband, my kids’ friends parents, and even here. When am I the most ‘me’? With mom. And here.
  9. What’s one fact that people tend to be shocked to find out about you?
    I was having some trouble with this one. I’m sure there is something, but I’m coming up empty. I hate whipped cream. That might be weird to some, but it’s not really ‘shocking.’ I asked my daughter… she said it’s that I once walked ten miles to raise money for charity (this was back in high school). I guess I’m not very charitable overall… just mostly a bitch. So she finds this shocking.
    Oh! I know! Sometimes, I actually have moments where I almost feel happy. Fleeting, infrequent moments… but they do happen. I am not miserable 100% of the time. I bet that’s shocking.
  10. Thrift shops – awesome places of wonderment and joy, or full of gross things that people have already owned/wore?
    They can be awesome, but sometimes I’m totally grossed out. Varies.
  11. Rental Car insurance – do you get it from the rental place, or make sure you have your own set up before you rent?
    I have car insurance already… so I never get it from the rental place because it’s redundant. They really push it… but no.

 

Guess which one I might make into its own post…? Your thoughts…?

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in award, blogging, life, writing | Tagged , , , , | 25 Comments

blame.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that everything’s not my fault?

I try to tell myself that’s not true, but I don’t believe me. What takes over is… something else.

Everything wrong in every part of my life is my own fault. I caused all of it. I made things this way. Everything about everything—kids, money, home, love, friends, emotions, and even back pain.

When the kids are upset about something, I am consumed by all the things I wish I could give them or do for them that could have prevented or fixed it (whatever ‘it’ is). And, of course, it’s my fault I don’t have those things or can’t do them.

When I notice that my kids have inherited something crappy from me, that’s my fault.

When something in our (old) house needs help, I should be able to fix it, replace it, or at least make it better because I’m unemployed and home. If it doesn’t improve, you guessed it—my fault.

When I want to do something special (or even not so special) and I can’t afford it, that’s on me.

When I’m lonely, it’s because I don’t know how to talk to people and I suck at making friends. And it’s because I wanted love so much that I made myself believe I had it when I don’t think I ever really did. Or I had it, but I was blind and threw it away.

When I feel terrible, it’s because of something I did… something I brought on myself.

When my back hurts, I get so angry with myself that I didn’t seek help sooner because maybe then, something would have actually helped.

When I’m down at my lowest, it’s because of the bad decisions I’ve made. I got myself here. I’m supposed to believe that it’s an illness… that it’s not my fault. And I try to believe that. But I always seem to blame myself anyway. Medication? I shouldn’t need it because I created my own depression by doing things wrong… so I should be able to make it better on my own, too, shouldn’t I?

It’s all me.

Am I wrong? It doesn’t seem like I’m wrong.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in anxiety, depression, writing | Tagged , , , | 25 Comments

which way challenge. 09.27.18

Hi there. Thought I’d share something for last Thursday’s Which Way Challenge since I’m otherwise missing from here. Feeling alone and out of touch…


Stairs. I wish I lived in the house just behind them.

Once again, a thrilling post from me. Please accept my apologies.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in challenge, photography, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments

sleep.

bed.

I think I’m doing it wrong.

I know I should try going to sleep earlier so I can get one solid reasonably-long block of sleep. But it just doesn’t happen.

Edited to add: This is not because I can’t sleep. I have absolutely no trouble sleeping. It’s not an insomnia thing or anything like that. I can sleep. It’s just when I do it or don’t do it that’s a problem.

I’m not willing to give up my late night television ritual. Which doesn’t end until about 1:30 am.

The Daily Show | The Late Show with Stephen Colbert | Late Night with Seth Meyers

You may ask… Why not just watch them in the morning? It’s easy enough to do that. But… it’s not the same if I don’t watch in real-time. The magic is lost. I need the magic.

[Aside: My 13-year old son watches these shows with me. And then he has to wake up at 6:30 for school. I am a bad influence.]

But this late night tv situation isn’t the worst part.

My mood is always better at night. I don’t want to sleep through that. So what happens instead is that I get about four hours of sleep… then I wake up and be the mom. After I take the kids to school (two different schools with start times an hour apart), I return home and go back to bed.

That’s the worst part: I have been trying to ‘beat‘ my hopeless, sad, lonely boredom by sleeping through it.

What’s even more pathetic is that it doesn’t even work. It only delays those unbearable feelings. Maybe it shortens how long they last… a little. But usually not noticeably.

I’ve tried so many things that I’ve either thought of on my own or heard from others. I try to keep busy. Cleaning, walking, getting out of the house any way I can think of, writing (fail), taking pictures (I suck). I take the recommended vitamins for my gender/age/issues. I take everything else professionals have recommended. I eat a healthy diet.

In short, if I have the ability to try something, I’ve tried it. If I can afford to do it, I’ve done it.

But here we are.

 

Maybe I need a nap.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in depression, writing | Tagged , , , , | 39 Comments

which way challenge. 09.13.18

Hello. I’m back with more pictures for the Which Way Challenge.


The rotary. [That’s a roundabout to many of you, isn’t it?]
A place where I have yelled more obscenities at other drivers than anywhere else. Vehicles in the rotary have the right of way, people!

No, this is not my home/path. On the left is a church. A block to the right is my kids’ karate studio.

These are really exciting, I know. Try to contain yourselves.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in challenge, photography, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 19 Comments