moody monday. #14

moody monday.

Family gatherings stress me out. I know I’m not alone in that. But it’s not what you might be thinking. I don’t have creepy or sleazy relatives. I don’t have a terrible relationship with anyone I’m going to see. There’s no fighting or anything like that.

It’s a small group… too small, really. My dad’s been gone for 5 years. My last living grandparent… my beloved maternal grandmother has been gone for 4. And it’s been only 5 months since my cousin’s brain tumor took him from us. Considering that last one, I’m not even sure if my aunt and uncle are coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I suspect the holiday is going to be especially hard on them.

What will happen for certain is that I will bring my kids and husband to Mom’s… and she will be there along with my one-year-older single sister and my four-years-younger sister and her husband and son. [We will not be… and never are… joined by my third/eldest sister because she doesn’t speak to me or my little sister. I’m sure I’ll never fully understand why. As the years pass, it makes me more sad at times and more I-don’t-give-a-fuck at other times.]

The gathering will be fun… mostly. My nephew can be a bit crazy. My husband annoys me sometimes (though that’s not exclusive to family gatherings). And although I am sure she doesn’t mean to, my younger sister sometimes says things that really upset me. I can’t call her out on it or tell my mom or my other sister because I’ve done that before and the response is always the same. ‘I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. You’re taking it the wrong way.‘ So, you know, my fault. I don’t feel like I get a lot of understanding or sympathy. I just get a lot of reasons why it’s me, not her. It’s always me.

I don’t think any of them fully understand how hard things are for me. Like, all things. I have a real medical condition. Just because it’s not a physical issue doesn’t make it any less real. But they don’t really get it. I know it’s hard for people who don’t suffer from these sorts of things to know how it feels… how difficult… how impossible things feel to me. I always end up feeling like a freak. A lonely freak.

But the worst part is after the gathering is over. I can never stop thinking about the conversations that happened… things that were said. Nothing mean… nothing malicious… just normal conversation. But there are always things that drive home the fact that they all have great lives and mine is a total disaster. They are happy and I am not. I feel like a huge failure… and a total loser. And I get lost in all the terrible decisions that got me where I am now… and how I can’t go back and change them.

I wish I was a kid again. Then I’d enjoy the holidays instead of dreading them. And maybe… just maybe… I wouldn’t make so many stupid choices.

Final assessment: Anxious… filled with dread… and an impending sense of doom.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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sevens again. day 7.

Seven days. Seven black and white photos of your life. No people. No explanation.
Challenge someone new each day
.


Yeah, I realize it’s been days since I posted number 6… I have a lot on my mind… wish I didn’t… but I do… and I totally forgot number 7. Here it is. Underwhelming though it may be. Thanks again to my friend GF at No Love for Fatties for challenging me.

 

©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in blogging, challenge, photography | Tagged , , , , , , | 7 Comments

psst… I’ve got a secret. #socs

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)

This week, the prompt is ‘psst‘ (or any other attention-getting noise or word)…

divider dots.

Psst… I’ve got a secret. I’m not sure if this is embarrassing… I’m not sure if it makes me look hypocritical… or just dumb. I’ve debated sharing this secret for a long time. Are you ready? Here it is…

I don’t get poetry.

I write it… but I don’t get it. Maybe my poetry is totally pedestrian. Maybe that’s why I get my own. But when I read others’ poetry? Most of the time I feel like an idiot. Total moron. I never even liked poetry. I remember having to read it for school. I had to consult the oracle to understand some of it.

Maybe that’s why I was so hesitant to start that poetry Blogging U course way back in Dec 2015. That and my utter lack of confidence. Before that, I barely ever wrote poetry. Just some really angst-y, embarrassing high school junk. Most of which is truly horrific.

But when I read poetry, I feel like so much of it is packed with ‘big words’ (many of which seem to be there just to be there… not because they really fit… at least in my not-so-worthy opinion)… or it’s loaded with metaphors so enigmatic that I have no idea what the fuck I’m reading.

[If you’d like to read my analysis of the types of poets, please do. For a laugh, if nothing else.]

Am I a moron? Sometimes, I wonder. Which is crazy because by all accounts (and tests and shit), I’m far more intelligent than the average human. (Oh my! Was that confidence?? I wouldn’t know it if it bit me in the ass.)

The thing is… I get music. Lyrics, I mean. I understand what I hear… and lyrics are often the biggest factor in whether or not I like a song. That’s poetry, isn’t it? So maybe it’s just certain kinds of poetry that leave me feeling dumb.

So… that’s my secret. I read a lot of poetry around here… and I support my fellow poets. Sometimes, I get it… I identify with it and everything. But, damn, sometimes, I wonder if I’m just a hack because I’m, like, ‘WTF was that?’

 


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , , | 102 Comments

paradox. #poetry

always in the dark
my dreams are brightest
but in the light of day
the very same dreams
fade into dust
and into darkness

irony, really
a paradox…
and not the only one

you are the other…
a contradiction
bringer of happiness
but with the power
to drown me in pain
and break my heart

 


©2017 what sandra thinks

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song of the day. #49 #music

song of the day.


My choice of song today is a bit misleading. It’s about peace and finding it with the help of those around you. It’s about never having to hide your true self and being loved anyway.

Despite anything and everything I’ve ever posted here, I still feel like I have to hide huge pieces of me. How often I feel alone and hopeless is a secret I keep inside me always. That’s a scary thought considering how often I do open up about it. Yeah… that’s one of my secrets. I almost always feel that way… I’m just better at hiding it some days.

You can find someone around you
To bring you out of the cold
But you don’t ever have to hide
What you really feel inside

I don’t have ‘someone around me‘ to ‘bring me out of the cold‘… not literally around me. I have a couple of long-distance (very long-distance) friends who astound me with how much they care and how much of me they’re able to tolerate. I mean that… I can’t even tolerate myself… I don’t know how anyone does it. I keep waiting for them to realize I’m not worth it.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell
What we’re really living for

I don’t mean to be deceptive… but I love the song. I love the sound. And the message is lovely and all, but I struggle to truly believe in it. Peace? I’m not sure I’ll ever have it.

swirly
Two High | Moon Taxi

When you feel the world around you
Spinnin’ out of control
You can find someone around you
To bring you out of the cold
But you don’t ever have to hide
What you really feel inside

So put ’em up
Two high
We can walk together with our hands up in the sky
So put ’em up
Tonight
We can come together
We won’t give up on the fight

Woah-ooh
So put ’em up
Put ’em up
Two high

Sometimes it’s hard to tell
What we’re really living for
Hear the voices calling out from the streets
Singin’ get ready
Get ready for more
Singin’ get ready
Get ready for more now

So put ’em up
Two high
We can walk together with our hands up in the sky
So put ’em up
Tonight
We can come together
We won’t give up on the fight

Woah-ooh
So put ’em up
Put ’em up
Two high

Before we’re gone
Keep holding on

Put ’em up
Two high

[Lyrics slightly edited for repeating parts/length.]

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in music, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

sevens again. day 6.

Seven days. Seven black and white photos of your life. No people. No explanation.
Challenge someone new each day
.


This is my second time doing this… I’ll get to all seven days eventually… I promise. But hey, it doesn’t say seven consecutive days… Thanks to my friend GF at No Love for Fatties for challenging me.

 

©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in blogging, challenge, photography | Tagged , , , , | 22 Comments

sevens again. day 5.

Seven days. Seven black and white photos of your life. No people. No explanation.
Challenge someone new each day
.


This is my second time doing this… I’ll get to all seven days eventually… I promise. But hey, it doesn’t say seven consecutive days… Thanks to my friend GF at No Love for Fatties for challenging me.

 

©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in blogging, challenge, photography | Tagged , , , , | 24 Comments

moody monday. #13

moody monday.

I didn’t realize until just now that I missed posting Moody Monday last week. I don’t even remember why. Oh wait, yes I do. I was a mess last week. I think I know why and hopefully I’m better now. But I’m not sure.

I hate being alone. I used to love it. But now, I only like being alone when I’m not alone. What I mean is… I like being alone and doing my own thing sometimes when other people are home. But being home alone… it doesn’t go well for me anymore. The irony is… I used to search for time alone when I didn’t have any. Now I have too much. And I get bored. And when I’m bored, I think too much and make myself upset.

I’m not bored because I have nothing to do. I have plenty. There’s always some part of the house I could reorganize/straighten up. I could work on more designs for one or more of my shops. I could print some of the designs I’ve already done and photograph them for my Etsy shop. I could write something. And about fifty other things.

But I’m completely uninspired to do any of it. I have no drive. I don’t know where to get motivation. I can’t shake the feeling that everything I do is pointless. I had trouble even getting myself to eat. This morning, I took a nap. Yeah… in the morning… after I’d been awake for about 3 hours. Granted, I’m not feeling well… I have a bad cold…

I wonder if thinking about my mood on Mondays makes me too aware of it and therefore makes me feel worse. I guess that’s possible…

Final assessment: A little down… a little tired… and a lot of nothingness.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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