how my sunday went.

Sunday morning I woke up early. No one was awake yet. I didn’t get out of bed, though. I just stayed there. Staring at the ceiling. I started to feel anxious… and a little sick. I tried to close my eyes again… go back to sleep. I was still tired but it didn’t work. I was just… awake.

I tried to fight it, but my mind started collecting worries. Big ones. Little ones. Medium-sized ones. Valid ones. Stupid ones. But all… overwhelming ones. Even the ones that ‘normal‘ people wouldn’t even consider ‘worries‘.

I need to start with a small worry and try to ‘fix‘ it so I can stop worrying about it. Then tackle another one. And even though I know I can’t fix a lot of them, I might be able to fix some of the stupid little ones. But they have me so ridiculously stressed out.

So there I was this morning… no one else awake… lying there crying. Not just a few tears falling. No. This was a full flood of tears. The worse it got… the worse it got. More tears, more worries… and more worries, more tears.

I tried to stop thinking. Like, completely. I couldn’t clear my head at all so I started playing Candy Crush. Seriously. I know it sounds so stupid. But it’s mindless while not mindless. But it only worked for a few minutes. I couldn’t forget shit. I put the phone down.

And then it hit me.

I am never going to have a happy life.

It doesn’t matter what I do. It doesn’t even matter if I ‘fix‘ any of my worries… because there will always be more. It’s just how my brain works. I worry. I worry about things that have already happened that I can do nothing about. I worry about what’s happening right now. I worry about the future… not just tomorrow or next week… but years from now. My mind is constantly creating worst case scenarios. Constantly. Sometimes, they’re totally far-fetched. But they plague me.

I managed to hide all of this from my family. I made breakfast. I wrote the grocery shopping list. I got my son to work on his summer reading project that he still hasn’t finished. I took my daughter out to buy glitter. Got coffee… went for a little drive.

Later, at home, I got bored. That anxious, sad, hopeless boredom. Thoughts started to spiral again. I went to my room to work on decluttering a messy dresser drawer I’ve been wanting to ‘fix‘. But I wanted to put some of the stuff somewhere else. So I had to reorganize that first. But to do that, I needed to reorganize something else. It became this overwhelming chain of organize and reorganize, and I never found the starting point. Brain overload. I was completely overwhelmed and I started crying again.

The thing is… this is a typical day for me. Not the summer reading and the glitter. But the rest… it happens a lot. More than I care to admit… even though I’m admitting it right now. I don’t know that there is an answer… a solution. I don’t think there is. I’ve tried all the things that I (and others) have thought of. Sometimes, something works temporarily. Very temporarily. But I always end up back here.

It scares me. Some days I don’t know how I’m going to make it. But I can’t let it break me because I have to be here for my kids.

But it fucking scares me.

divider dots.

A note because I just made this connection (duh):
I think my little epiphany [that I am never going to have a happy life] is one of the reasons I’ve been so iffy about blogging lately. How entertaining… how enjoyable can reading my blog be to you if this is what I’m all about? Am I really helping anyone? Maybe there are people out there who feel a connection to some of my posts… but am I helping? Fuck knows I don’t have any answers. I don’t even think there are any. But… I’m supposed to be blogging for me… right?

Another note because this has happened quite a few times (and I’m fucking sick of it):
(1) If you are going to respond to this post to tell me that if I find Jesus everything will work out just fine… that if I let God in, he will take care of me… please just don’t. Just. Don’t.
(2) If you are going to respond to tell me that I need medication or need to have medication changed or that medication is not working, please just don’t. Guess what? Medication can only do so much. I’ve tried it all. No exaggeration. So unless such matters are your profession and I am your patient… just don’t.
Thank you.

(above image: source unknown)

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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Posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

last summer escape? maybe.

School starts in ten days. The pool water is getting cooler. I think my summer of many escape-trips is coming to an end.

It’s hard to believe I used to hate summer. Spring is my favorite, but summer comes in second. And just in case you were wondering—winter is third and fall is the worst. I used to love fall but I don’t know why. It’s depressing as fuck. Days get shorter. Everything is darker and colder and dying. It’s the opposite of spring… the opposite of happy.

I’ll save all the other things that suck about fall for another post. For now, I’ll leave you with a few [less than exciting] pictures from my [maybe] last summer ‘trip‘.

 

 

p.s. – I hate this post.

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in life, photography, writing | Tagged , , , | 19 Comments

inspirationless.

Now I’m just making up words.

I have written ten posts in the last week that remain in draft status. [Not to mention all the older drafts.] I don’t know what my problem is. I’m probably overthinking as usual.

Five of the posts are just stupid and will likely never be published.

Two of the posts are kind of depressing so I walked away from them, so to speak.

Two of the posts are two versions of the same topic… and it’s rather controversial. I don’t want to fight, but I’m frustrated and annoyed… so I started writing about it. I came to the conclusion, however, that I was sure to offend someone… so I stopped. But expressing my thoughts shouldn’t be offensive. I’m not telling anyone what to think… I’m only telling them what sandra thinks. Isn’t that the name of my blog anyway? Maybe I will revisit. Not sure.

One of the posts is this one.

My inspiration struggle continues. Not just with writing. Inspiration is missing from my life completely. And it took motivation with it. Don’t you wish you were me? Yeah, me neither.

I have been wavering back and forth with whether I even want to be here at all. I know I’ve mentioned that kind of a lot lately. I really am torn. Sometimes, I think it makes me feel good to be here because I have friends. Other times, I think it makes me feel bad because I feel left out. But… I’ve decided that I don’t have to decide… I can just do whatever the fuck I want. It may be the only part of my life for which that is a true statement.

divider dots.

Moving on…

Since I have nothing great to share, I’ve decided (I hate deciding) to share this.

I love sudden downpours. The literal kind. I can’t explain that… I just do. So… while these are far from inspired, I’m still sharing them.

yesterday, 3:51 pm…

yesterday, 3:52 pm…

Not quite the same exact shot… but close. Probably would have been closer if I’d planned ahead… but I didn’t.

Hope you are all having a nice day.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in life, photography, writing | Tagged , , , , | 27 Comments

those days. #poetry

I wish someone told me
those days were the ones
that would live forever
and turn into regret

All the choices I made
would have been different
if only I had known
they would haunt me ‘til death

I would have been myself
never someone else
looking for my own path
not pretending instead

Surely I’d have told you
you were meant for me
I would be with you now
a love beyond my dreams

I wish someone told me
because now I know
those days were the best
that I will never have

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in life, poetry, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 18 Comments

self-subscribed.

I subscribe to my own blog. Is that weird? I get a weekly digest. It’s not an egotistical thing. It’s not like I re-read my posts when the weekly email arrives. Ooh! What did Sandra post this week?? No. Besides, by the time I’ve published something, I’ve already proofread it about twenty times. I’m sick of myself. I just like to see how others see my posts… and it gives me a picture of what I posted over the week.

Lately, I’ve felt very absent from here. I haven’t been writing/posting as much. Some of my ‘regulars‘ have disappeared. I assume the reasons are my lack of posts and my lack of time/energy to keep up with reading blogs. I have had less interaction lately. But I’d think fewer posts would allow readers to read more of what I do post… since it won’t take long.

But what the hell do I know? Maybe I’m just off-putting. Or maybe they’re too busy. But that reason flies out the window when I see the same people active on other blogs… just not mine. Do I smell? [Aside: Yes, I do. I smell good. Oddly, people tell me this all the time. Strangers, I mean.]

Got off track there for a minute…

My point is that although I feel like I’ve been kind of missing from this blogging world lately, I’m not as missing as I thought. I’ve posted four times in the last week. Sure, one was just a silly ‘joke‘ post, but I guess it still counts. I think I’m okay with this. Four times a week isn’t bad. Part of me thinks I’ll always be shooting for one post per day, but I can live with four a week. And I’ve started catching up with my post notifications. I just had to skip some of the oldest ones… or I’d never get to the current posts.

Oh man, I write about nothing lately, though, huh? Well… maybe it will get better. I still have that compelling back pain update to write. [Sarcasm.] Oh… and I started writing a poem yesterday. A fucking poem! I know… it’s not a big deal. Except that it is… because I haven’t been able to write one for some time.

Maybe my brain isn’t completely incapacitated after all…

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in blogging, life, writing | Tagged , , , | 52 Comments

went away again.

As I mentioned, I have been taking every opportunity to get the hell out of town… to escape my ‘life‘ even though much of it comes with me.

I was gone again for a couple of days. [I scheduled that ‘marry him‘ post a few days ago.] I went back to Mom’s. Got home last night after, again, spending money I don’t have and eating yummy things I shouldn’t eat. Oh well. Whatever. I care less about that every time. Not good… but true. Probably should have stayed another day… it was 97°F at the warmest part of the day today. And the humidity is just… gross. The best place to be is underwater.

I’m trying to catch up on all the blog posts I’ve missed over the last few days… and the days before that… and the ones before that. I still have notifications I’m trying to get back to from as far back as July 17th. That was three weeks ago. I’m never going to catch up. I have 102 unread emails at the moment. I think it’s time for me to come to grips with the fact that I’m not going to be able to read all those posts I’ve missed since July 17th no matter how much I wanted to.

I’m sorry.

But I’m not sorry for going away. I needed it. I still need it. And I’m sure I’m going to need it after school starts again but I won’t be able to do it. So… I want to do it as much as possible now… while I can.

There’s really no question at this point that being separated from this house, this town, this husband has been good for me. I wish there was a way to make those separations permanent… with the possible exception of the last one. Possibly. Not sure on that one.

But I need to learn how to make things good for me as they are… as they have to be. This house, this town, this husband. I have a few ideas, but they are all very difficult to bring to life. I don’t have much confidence in myself. I’m not sure I can do it. And I know I need help. I will need help. Someone to hold my hand. But I don’t have that.

divider dots.

I’ve been posting bits and pieces about what’s been going on with me when I can… but I haven’t addressed the ongoing issues. That is by design. I haven’t wanted to talk about them… the depression, the anxiety, the back pain. I think I fell into a space where talking about them made everything worse… and shutting the fuck up was actually better.

However… I feel more alone. So I’m torn. I think I have abandonment issues. Among other issues.

I do intend to post an update on the back pain situation. It’s not like that’s ever really out of my mind. It can’t be. Stay tuned for that exciting upcoming post.

divider dots.

So… this is just another rambling post… with no real point… or aim… or goal. But there you have it.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in family, life, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 23 Comments

marry him.

The other night when my daughter was on her phone with one of her friends, he sent her a few pictures of his home. I’m not sure what led to him sending them, but she had to show me. I watched as she scrolled through the pictures… huge kitchen… beautiful yard… two balconies… perfect hardwood floors… and all sorts of other things… including a giant indoor pool.

Isn’t it amazing?‘ she asked me.

Yes…’ I said, ‘I think you should marry him!

[Please, no hate. Of course I was just being funny…]

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in humor, life, writing | Tagged , , , | 47 Comments

more or less?

burnt: by the numbers.

Does posting a lot get you more followers or fewer? Does it make readers engage more or less?

[When I say ‘a lot’, I mean posting two or three or more times a day. Not ‘a lot’ would be two or three or maybe four times a week.]

I have wondered this for a long time. Probably since I started blogging. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the answer. Maybe there isn’t one.

For me, as a reader, I’m more likely to read/keep up with blogs from those who post once a day or less. [With the exception of mostly-photography/art blogs that I follow… I rarely miss any posts even if there are lots… because they are so beautiful. Ahem… you know who you are.]

For those who post multiple times a day, I try to read everything, but I sometimes find myself skipping that blog entirely because picking and choosing which posts to read or not read overwhelms me (especially if the posts are also long)… so I give up. I feel so bad about it, but I just can’t get to that many posts every day. And I rarely manage to get back to those posts later because they keep coming. I confess to unfollowing some blogs where there are too many posts. That hasn’t happened in a long time, but it has happened.

It’s also summer… so with the kids home, I’ve had lots of days when I haven’t been here at all. I’ve had days when I never even started up my laptop. That’s not like me. Or maybe now, that is like me. Things change. And I’m betting they’ll change again when school starts again in 3.5 weeks. Probably not for the better.

I don’t mean to say that bloggers shouldn’t post lots… as much as they want. Some are prolific writers. They have a lot to say. I might post a few times a day, too, if I was in that place. Maybe I’ve had periods when I did do that. I can’t remember. But now, I don’t think I’d do it. I think I’d be more likely to schedule posts ahead so that when I have a writing drought (like now), I’d still have things to share.

And that raises another matter. Recently, when I do have time, I’ve been trying to write because I’ve not been able to do so for a long time (and I hate it).

While my son is mostly self-entertained and self-contained (ha), my daughter wants my time… lots of it. And that’s been good for me. We’ve gotten closer than ever, and it has helped both of us avoid some inevitable boredom. And it’s forced me to listen to some music I never would have listened to by choice… but now I even like some of it. But that’s a topic for another post. A humiliating one, I’m sure.

But…

Lately, I am largely out of touch with this world. The blogging world, I mean. [Aside: I know there is a term for this world but it is one of those words I hate… and I refuse to use it.]

For the past month, I average two or three posts a week. That’s not a lot. I have seen a decrease in my stats, but only overall. Obviously, I have less traffic on days when I don’t post. But if I look at stats for individual posts, there is essentially no change. Maybe I’m not ‘losing people‘ like I feel like I am. In fact, since 7/1, I’ve had almost 150 new followers. [And I have no idea how they find me… or why they stay… or if they stay. I’m sure a bunch of these are empty follows. I’m sure there’s some trendy-ass term for that, too, but I don’t know it and probably wouldn’t use it anyway.]

But the ‘losing people‘ feeling I have isn’t about stats. It’s about engagement… and contact. Comments seem pretty steady… from some of my ‘regulars‘ and some new people, too. [Nice to meet you!] But I don’t hear from people much anymore. I mean, through emails and twitter DMs and things like that. I know people have busy, full lives… even I have been busy (yet in some ways still plagued by boredom). And sometimes people just don’t feel like talking. Or they have too much on their minds. I try to keep from thinking it’s my fault. Although, I admit, I do think that sometimes. That’s kind of self-centered, huh? But I get sick of me… others might, too.

As usual (lately, anyway), I don’t know what the point of this post is. Remember those assignments from grade school where you had to read something and identify the ‘main idea‘? I always hated those. Maybe that’s still a problem for me.

I guess I wonder… More is more? Or… Less is more? And I guess I feel like the party’s going on around me but I’m not in attendance… and if I pop in, I’m still on the outside. It feels kind of all-or-nothing, and in my case, leaning toward nothing.

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in blogging, life, writing | Tagged , , , | 69 Comments