feeling sick.

I feel sick. I have felt sick all weekend. I haven’t been able to be on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time since late Friday night. This nausea is killing me. And then I get dizzy. And I have a terrible headache. And I want to sleep. But I can’t. The kids and dinner and the house and the dishes and…

I wish I could just throw up… maybe it would make me feel better. Or not. I have no idea. The worst part is that I strongly suspect that this is a side effect… from a new thing I just started last week. I think it was helping… so of course, I’m going to have to stop taking it.

I am the luckiest person alive. I’m going to try to throw up now.


© what sandra thinks
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fiction friday 55: back to you.

fiction friday. fiction by sandra.

I’ve been desperate to have something for fiction friday… I hate that I’ve been unable to post every week. I’ve been writing random bits and pieces… I’m all scattered. But I wrote this… 

back to you.

Dani lay motionless in the dark, silently staring across the room. She had left the closet door open — something she would never have done years ago when she was a child. That’s where the monsters come from. And not nice ones like Sully. Scary ones. But she no longer feared monsters. She was far too focused on the shimmering white wedding dress hanging on the closet door.

Years ago, like many little girls, she imagined her wedding day. She sat with Ava, her best friend, on the very same bed she was lying on now. They flipped through the pages of bridal magazines choosing dresses and rings and cakes. And grooms.

They had their crushes over the years, but Dani always landed back at Adam, Ava’s big brother. Of course Ava thought that was ridiculous because, as she would say, “He’s just Adam.” But Dani thought ‘just Adam’ was dreamy. And it didn’t hurt that he was always so sweet to her when she visited Ava.

As they grew older, Adam spent more time with his sister and Dani. He’d have a friend or two around, but being so close in age, they inevitably all went out. Movies, burgers, the lake every summer. Adam didn’t see Dani as his ‘little sister’s friend’ anymore. He saw her as a sweet beautiful girl and he wanted time with her… without Ava. Without anyone.

It happened at the lake… that first kiss. And they became Adam and Dani — like it was one name. AdamandDani. And then they grew up. Together. But life separated them. Pulled in different directions over the years, they lost each other. But they never lost a single memory. Doesn’t everyone keep a piece of their first love inside them forever? AdamandDani did.

Tomorrow… the wedding. Not quite the fantasy Dani shared with Ava when they were kids, but still… a beautiful wedding. Dani would have her sparkling diamond and her shimmery dress. She would wear flowers in her hair. She would smile as she walked down the aisle toward her best friend on one side… and on the other side…

… the wrong man.


©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in fiction, fiction friday, minifiction, romance, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , | 49 Comments

the perk. #31 (I know, I’m shocked, too.)

the perk.

I hope you were sitting down. I wouldn’t want anyone to sustain an injury. It has been 109 days since my last perk. I bet you never thought you’d see one again. Yeah, neither did I.

It’s not easy to find the bright spots when there is so damn much darkness fighting to hide them. I know the fucking cliché – look for the good things in every day. Bite me. There are days when there are legitimately NO good things. That I woke up and I’m alive? Fuck… that doesn’t count… because it doesn’t. But also because when things suck so much ass, that’s not even a bright spot… ‘cause a part of you doesn’t even want that… it’s just the start to the hell to come. (I know… my attitude is fucking great.)

I had an appointment this morning. [As is often the case, I’m writing this after midnight, so technically the appointment was yesterday… but that’s irrelevant…] I was worried because I knew it was possible that my healthcare provider was not going to be happy with me. You see, I was kind of self-medicating (no, not with an herbal supplement). Actually, I was self-unmedicating. Some side effects undo all the good. Yet I worried to the point of near panic that she would tell me if I didn’t take it, don’t come back. Seriously, way to blow things out of proportion, sandra’s brain. But she understood… and now we move forward. Good thing #1.

Last week, my son’s second trimester report card arrived. 8 classes, 8 teachers, 8 grades. They were as follows: 97, 98, 98, 97, 97, 100, 100, 100. He’s the best. Good thing #2.

I have realized that even when my hair no longer has its beginning-of-the-day-freshly-showered bounciness, it still looks good. Not to worry, I still have other appropriately bouncy parts. But the hair… it’s always been straight and a bit lifeless. Somehow, it seems to have gotten a life. This probably sounds ridiculous but it’s a great feeling to look into a mirror when you thought you looked like crap only to find out that you still have great hair. A good hair day is pretty powerful. Good thing #3.

I’m wondering if any of you have any idea how fucking adorable and hilarious it is to see an incredibly cute little 9-year-old girl replicate the dude’s dancing from this Mountain Dew commercial…

Well, I’ll tell you… it’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in weeks. She’s the best. Good thing #4.

Hm. Should I have spread these good things out into multiple posts? Too late now.

Thank you and good night.


©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in family, parenting, the perk, weekly perk, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 36 Comments

#atozchallenge theme reveal day.


First, I want to thank everyone who helped me with my theme-seeking nightmare.

Today’s the day to announce which theme I’ve chosen. And I’m displeased to say… I still haven’t been able to make a decision.

I’m down to a few themes I thought might work…

(1) music
(1) things I fucking hate (currently tied in the running with music…)
(2) emotions (this may be depressing)

(3) wish list (this may be depressing)
(4) perk (sad, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to make this happen)

… but none of them feel right. I guess that makes sense because nothing feels right today.

One minute I think I’ve made a decision… and the next I think it’s a terrible idea. Why can’t I just come up with something good? Make a decision? Ugh. I tend to fall back to ‘things I fucking hate‘ — aka ‘bitchfest 2017′ — because I have a LOT of material. Fuck knows I’ve got ‘m‘ covered. Sigh…

I wonder if I can do 2 posts a day… one for bitchfest and another for music (since so many of you suggested it). No shortage of material there either…

Did I just jump from no theme to two themes? Maybe I did… Ooh, I’ll bet you’re just breathless with anticipation for April 1st…

I don’t know why we had to lose
The ones who took so little space
They’re still waiting for the years
To cover what we can’t erase
I’m not holding out for you
I’m still watching for the signs
If I tried you’d probably be
Hard to find

I reserve the right to reuse this song for ‘Song of the Day’ at any time.
I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… 
©2017 what sandra thinks 
Posted in challenge, writing | Tagged , , , | 19 Comments

the hero. (moodle.)

bottle twigswave

This week’s theme for Haylee’s Moodle Army was ‘become the hero of our own story‘.

But… I’m no hero. I’m like Tina.

no hero

My son told me I had to be Captain Donut… because of Homer.

homer's donut wisdom

While I do believe the answer to Homer’s question is no, I didn’t think donuts were the answer. They can’t be the answer… because coffee is the answer.

the hero


I encourage you to join the doodling fun.
©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in art, drawing, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 33 Comments

on loneliness.

This was adapted from a conversation between two characters from my ‘secret book’… I think they’re my favorite characters I’ve ever created…


loneliness sucks.
and time
makes it worse…
not better.
you can’t fix it by yourself.
you feel powerless.
it just…

and you don’t
have to be
to feel it.

©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , , | 21 Comments