no fun.

I know I’m a mess. I probably bring people down and no one wants to be around someone like that. Hell, I don’t want to be around that. But of course, that being me, I don’t have a choice.

But other people do have a choice.

Why would they choose to be around me when they can be with people who are not total disasters? When they can be with happy, well-adjusted people?

They wouldn’t. They wouldn’t choose me. And I can’t blame anyone for that. Not online… not offline… no one.

But it feels like everyone is having fun all around me and I’m left out.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

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bad trip.

That title is totally misleading. In a literal sense, it would be a completely different post. And maybe someday I’ll write that post. But for now… I thought it fit for this… in a way.

As you know, I’m not one for cute little inspirational quotes or clichés. In fact, they make me cringe… and feel a little nauseated.

It’s not necessarily that they don’t have some shred of validity. What gets to me is the way they are presented—as solutions to life’s problems. But there are no simple solutions. If there were, no one would have problems.

That is my biggest gripe with clichés. They are always thrown at me as solutions.

I have been thinking about one such sentiment lately. It’s that whole destination/journey thing. You know… it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. [Aaagghh… it deeply disturbs me to type those words.]

I understand the point of this tiny piece of wisdom (and I use the term ‘wisdom’ loosely… in fact, I don’t mean ‘wisdom’ at all). Everything along the way is what truly matters… not the end goal. Maybe you don’t even need an end goal. I get it.

However…

How can I know which steps to take without some idea where I’m going? I may not need an end goal… but what does that mean for the present? I feel paralyzed… for many reasons, not the least of which is that I have no idea what to do.

If I get in my car but I don’t know where I’m going, how do I know which turns to take? Sure, I can just take random streets. I can drive in circles. But I will get nowhere. It changes nothing. And it wastes gas.

Is it that I need to know the destination… but not focus on it?

Even if that’s the answer, it doesn’t help… because I don’t know what my passion truly is… or what I truly love or want. (Beyond time travel to change the past… and all the fantasy stuff that’s always in my head…)

I have no destination… so I have no journey. I’m stuck.

So… if I have no destination, how do I go on the journey?

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in anxiety, life, writing | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

sunday’s beach visit. #photography

On Sunday, my daughter and I took a ride to my favorite beach in the area. Unfortunately, parking at this beach is restricted to local residents between Memorial Day and Labor Day… so I can’t visit during the summer months. But I hate crowds anyway… so it doesn’t matter. I’ll go back in September… or today.

It wasn’t crowded when we went. Maybe because the weather was kind of gross… too much humidity. At least it was windy. I like windy. Not hurricane-force windy… just pleasantly breezy.

We walked for a while… got our feet wet. It was fun. But I could tell the rain was coming. In fact, moments after we left the beach parking lot, it started.

Then we went out for iced coffee. Well, she didn’t get coffee (not that she wouldn’t drink it if I let her). She got chocolate milk.

• • •

I’d love to move into the huge beautiful house right behind this archway…

What’s left of a dock that was there long ago…

That’s all for now… Have a nice day.

With any luck (but not bad luck like usual), I will post again later. But I can’t make any promises… I still have little ability to write. Can’t stop thinking it’s going to be this way forever. Sucks.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in photography, writing | Tagged , , , | 22 Comments

this or that… or something.

My friend T at No Love for Fatties tagged me for ‘this or that‘.

Here’s where I should post ‘the rules‘, but you know I’m not going to follow them anyway so I might as well skip that part. I’m just answering the questions… because I feel like it. And maybe it’ll tell you the remaining few things you don’t already know about me.

Please don’t think less of me for my less-than-popular answers. I expect there will be a few…

The Questions

Dog or Cat? Cat (Please don’t hate me. I am not a dog person at all.)
Netflix or YouTube? Netflix. But my daughter and I do bond while watching YouTube. But we also watch Netflix. I’m torn.
Phone Call or Text? Text. I loathe talking on the phone. Except with Mom.
Toast or Eggs? Eggs. Toast = too many carbs.
Cardio or Weights? Cardio
Facebook or Twitter? Twitter. Facebook is the worst thing on the whole internet.
Ice Cream Cone or Snow Cone? Ice cream cone. A snow cone has a paper cone. And it’s, like, ice with Kool-Aid on it. No. Give me the ice cream.
Mobile Games or Console Games? Candy Crush
While walking: Music or Podcasts? Music
iOS or Android? Android
Cake or Pie? Yes
Swimming or Sunbathing? Sunbathing while floating in the pool
Big Party or Small Gathering? Small gathering… like, one other person. Maybe two.
New Clothes or New Phone? New clothes. Unless my phone dies. Then new phone.
Rich Friend or Loyal Friend? At this moment in my current life situation, this is a hard one for me. I know… that’s awful, isn’t it? I’m going to go with rich (and generous) loyal friend. Ha.
Football or Basketball? I am not really into sports but basketball is boooring. Football.
Nice Car or Nice Home Interior? Home. Although I do have a dream car. Probably not what you’d expect…
What’s worse: Laundry or Dishes? Doing dishes is torture because of my back pain. Besides, with laundry, just dump it in and walk away.
Jogging or Hiking? Walking. Oh, that’s not an option. Hiking, then.
Sneakers or sandals? Sandals. Or as my daughter and I call them… ‘half shoes‘.
Glasses or Contacts? Contacts
Hamburger or Taco? Cheeseburger with grilled mushrooms and onions from Five Guys
Couch or Recliner? Couch
Online Shopping or Shopping in a Store? Online while on my couch. Preferably with someone else’s credit card.
Receive: Email or Letter? Letters are always a nice surprise.
Passenger or Driver? Driver. As a passenger, I often get carsick. And annoyed with the driver.
Tablet or Computer? Laptop
Most important in a partner: Intelligent or Funny? I believe that to be truly funny, one needs to be intelligent. So I get both no matter which one I choose. So there.
Car or Truck? Jeep.
Blue or Red? Color or Politics? No matter… same answer. Blue.
Money or Free Time? Money
Amusement Park or Day at the Beach? Day at the beach… but I like amusement parks, too.
At a movie: Candy or Popcorn? Thor. Wait… what was the question?
Pen or Pencil? Pencils remind me of my youth. Pencil.
Toilet paper: Over or Under? Over
Cups in the cupboard: Right Side Up or Up Side Down? I alternate so they fit nicely.
Pancake or Waffle? French Toast
Coke or Pepsi? I don’t drink soda… but the last time I did years ago, it was Diet Coke.
Coffee Cup or Thermos? Coffee Cup
Blinds or Curtain? Depends on the room. But curtains look nicer. Unless they’re ugly.
Train or Plane? Car
Phone or Tablet? Phone
Iced Coffee or Hot Coffee? Yes
Meat or Vegetables? Vegetables with a side of meat
International Vacation or a New TV? Vacation as I have not had one in forever.
Save or Spend? Save until I spend.
Honesty or Other’s Feelings? Honesty
Coffee or Tea? Coffee… duh.
TV or Book? Lately? TV
Ocean or Mountains? Ocean
Horror Movie or Comedy Movie? I hate horror movies. Comedy. But what I really like is romance… or Thor.
City or Countryside? I’ve had enough of the city. Countryside.
Mac or PC? PC
Card Game or Board Game? Card game
Camping or Binge Watching Shows at Home? Binge watching. I have been camping once in my life and that was too many times.
Working Alone or Working in a Team? Alone. No question.
Dine In or Delivery? Take-out… but I usually pick up. I’m too cheap to tip the delivery guy.
Sweater or Hoodie? Sweater unless I need a hood
Motorcycle or Bicycle? Motorcycle driven by super hot guy
Book or eBook? Book
When sleeping: Fan or No Fan? Fan
TV Shows or Movies? TV shows because when I like something, I don’t want it to be over in two hours.

If you want to play, please do. Tell them Sandra sent you. Or maybe don’t do that because someone might hold it against you…

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in blogging, life, writing | Tagged , , , | 21 Comments

a thief among us. #plagiarism

wtfYes, I keep a stock image handy for occasions such as this…


Dear Thieving Wanker,

Seriously… what the fuck?

If you want to share a post of mine, the proper and polite thing to do is to ask if I mind if you reblog it. But even if you don’t ask first, at least use Reblog… or Press This.

DO NOT—under any circumstances—copy and paste my words and pass them off as your own.

What you stole from me wasn’t even a poem or anything like that where you wanted to pass off my creativity and talent as your own. It was a personal post! One where I was saying a heartfelt thank you to my friends… It doesn’t even make sense for you to take that as your own.

The “Thank you [list of specific names]” line was removed. The first sentence, “I have been overwhelmed by love, kindness and support over the last few days,” had the word days changed to months. Other than that, the post was identical to mine. WTF?

When things like this happen (and this isn’t the only time it’s happened to me), I lose a little more faith in humanity… and I question whether I should continue posting my personal feelings. Or anything else at all.

Thankfully, when I asked, you removed the post. But this really pissed me off. Hell, you even got a comment on the post and replied to it as though the words, thoughts, and feelings were your own! How can you steal someone’s emotions? Someone’s honest feelings? Maybe the better question is, why would you want to steal my emotions? They are generally unpleasant.

Of course, before you removed the post, I was so angry that not only did I comment asking that the post be taken down, but I also sent an email… and I notified WP. I guess I could have waited to see if the post was removed first. But I was really mad.

Kindly do not do it again. And do not do it to anyone else.

Have a nice day.

~sandra

p.s. – Is this ↓ big enough?

©2018 what sandra thinks

 

Posted in blogging, rant, writing | Tagged , , , , | 51 Comments

someone. #poetry

I wonder
if I will ever learn
to be someone I’m not
because the someone I am
is not the someone
I need to be

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 18 Comments

three days, three quotes. #3

Thanks to both Wit and Whimsy and Mel at Fiction In My Head for nominating me for the Three Days, Three Quotes challenge.

Here are the ‘rules‘ which I will not follow:

Thank the person who nominated you.
Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
Nominate three bloggers each day.

Of course I will do the first two… but I never know who to nominate… so… maybe I’ll do one a day… and if my nominees don’t participate, that is totally fine.

Day #3
Forget the ‘superhero humor‘ theme… what I really mean is ‘Thor humor‘.

For my final day, I nominate my friend Diane. Just because…

 


sandra

Posted in blogging, challenge, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 13 Comments

girls.

(not my actual girl)

Last night, my daughter called me to her room where she had been crying for at least an hour. I sat with her and she told me what was going on.

There is so much friend drama. And it goes back and forth and continues tonight.

One of her friends was mad at her… no idea why. She couldn’t get an answer. This is a girl (C) who calls my kid all the time. They are on the phone constantly… even in the mornings before school. My daughter has slept over at C’s house for, like, five of the last six Fridays.

C ignored my girl at school yesterday… and didn’t call at all. This morning… back to calling again… today at school, no problem. She told my kid that she couldn’t have anyone over today. Tonight, god knows what happened on the phone with calls and group chats and whatever the hell 10 year olds do… but my daughter is certain that at least one girl is sleeping over at C’s house. Maybe even two… the second one possibly being a girl who was just talking to my daughter earlier about what a jerk C has been lately.

My daughter said, ‘I guess I wasn’t mean to have friends.‘ And she cried. She’s upset and angry and sad and annoyed… all of those things.

Both last night and again tonight, I sat with her… hugged her… listened to her talk and cry. I told her of course she has friends. I said everything will be okay… it will blow over. Of course, I really have no idea. I hope I wasn’t lying.

I know she’s my girl, but I’m not just being her mom when I say that she is the sweetest kid. She is so nice to everyone… even those she doesn’t like… even those who aren’t nice to her. I honestly cannot imagine what reason C (or anyone) could have to be mad at her. God, even though my own two kids fight, she is very sweet to her brother at least 90% of the time… even when he probably doesn’t deserve it! (Don’t get me wrong… he’s sweet, too, but he’s a 13 year old boy who often has a low tolerance for his 10 year old sister.)

Even with me… if my girl so much as senses that I am upset about something, she is right there with a smile and a hug. She always wants to help… to make people happy.

I’m sad for her. It breaks my heart. And there’s nothing I can do.

I can’t fix this for her. I know it’s not mine to fix, but seeing her so sad is killing me. I barely made it without crying myself. Man, I do not have the emotional capacity for motherhood. I never thought about situations like this one when I decided to have children.

She’s only 10. This is going to get worse when she’s, like, fifteen, isn’t it?

Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in anxiety, life, writing | Tagged , , , , | 37 Comments