bad day.

morning:
today
will be a good day
something will go right
everything won’t go wrong
I will wake up
to sunshine
rain will wait
until tomorrow

evening:
today
was a bad day
nothing went right
everything went wrong
I will close my eyes
under clouded moonlight
wishing for sunshine
but expecting rain


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

still alone.

I started alone
looking for answers
hoping for a love
to break the cycle
to bring my heart
out of darkness
into joyful light

when I found you
I thought my search
had finally ended
but in the stark
morning sunshine
I saw you for
what you truly were

a dream
a figment of my
imagination
a love that would
never be real
a hopeful feeling
that would only die

I should have known
how this would end
found no answers
lost hope for love
caught in the cycle
I started alone
I ended alone


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

twenty random questions.

I compiled some random questions from all over the place… just for fun. If you’d like to answer these, too (no pressure), please do! Tag me so I find your post… or just answer in the comments. Maybe you’ll learn something new about me. Something I’m sure you never needed to know…!

  1. Do you have a nickname?
    Not currently. Please do not call me Sandy… I hate it so much. When I was little, my dad used to call me buttercup. He called my daughter that, too… which fits since she’s a little clone of me.
  1. Do you drink coffee?
    Yes… more than any other beverage.

coffee.

  1. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
    Coffee. Duh.
  1. Describe a happy childhood memory.
    Two immediately come to mind. First, Dad teaching me how to swim in a hotel pool in Florida. Second, seeing a movie in the theater for the very first time… at DisneyWorld… (it was Cinderella).

  1. What’s your favorite meal?
    Breakfast. French toast? Pancakes? Omelets? Donuts? Bacon? Cinnamon rolls? Coffee? Yeah. Breakfast.

  1. Name something you cannot live without.
    Coffee. Duh. Okay, also, the internet. And love. And breakfast.
  1. What color pants are you wearing?
    Black.
  1. Did you get good grades in school?
    Yes… I was kind of a nerd. Although to be fair, I didn’t really act like one. School was easy for me… I didn’t have to try very hard.
  1. Any phobias?
    I have a debilitating fear of heights. I get anxious on a stool. If I go up to the attic, I’m trapped up there as it’s easier for me to go up than come down.
  1. Are you named after anyone?
    Not the Sandra part. My maiden name starts with S and when choosing a name for me, Dad thought at least one of his kids should have the initials SS so they chose Sandra. My middle name is my beloved late maternal grandmother’s name.
  1. Last time you cried and why?
    This morning. I have no idea why.
  1. What color crayon would you be?
    Carnation pink. Bahahaha. Just kidding. Black.

  1. What do you hear right now?
    Tina Belcher / Bob’s Burgers

  1. What’s the last movie you watched?
    Rogue One. Watched it with my son earlier today.
  1. Do you believe in reincarnation?
    Yes… it’s the only death-related explanation in which I find comfort. Hopefully I don’t come back as a cockroach.
  1. What do you think is your best physical feature?
    Hair, eyes, and boobs.
  1. What is your favorite curse word?
    Fuck… in all its forms.
  1. Have you ever skinny-dipped before?
    Yes. Several times… in pools and lakes. Never in the ocean, though. Not on purpose anyway. 
  1. Do you talk to yourself?
    Often. Enough that some might question my sanity.
  1. Do you have a favorite tv show?
    Hawaii Five-0. Gulp. 


©2007 what sandra thinks

Posted in autobiographical, list, writing | Tagged , , , , | 29 Comments

song of the day. #31 | way-down edition.

song of the day | what sandra thinks

I’ve been feeling down lately. Really really far down. Sometimes it truly seems like I’m not allowed to feel good. How can I not think that? Every time I get a taste of it, it goes away. It seems feeling good just isn’t in the cards for me. I keep telling myself (I’m doing it right now) that I’m okay… I’m good… that these bad feelings have no place in my reality… but they won’t quit… they’re filling me up and I can tell I’m about to drown.

Usually when I go from up to down (or down to up) I can pinpoint the moment the tides turned. But right now, I’m sinking and I don’t know what happened.

Is it ever going to get easier? In my lifetime? In my next life? Ever? Or is everything always going to feel so difficult… so complicated and messy? I feel like it’s all a big game and I’m losing. And I don’t want to play anymore. I’m sick of fighting all the damn time. I’m exhausted. I want to quit all the meds. It feels pointless. I feel pointless. I just want it all to stop. It’s too hard… I’m not strong enough.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I thought I’d ever be able to stop working so fucking hard to be okay… if I thought eventually it would get easier. But I don’t believe that.

[And let’s ignore that I’ve posted this song before. I’m sure no one remembers anyway.]

swirly
When routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And resentment rides high
But emotions won’t grow
And we’re changing our ways, taking different roads

Then love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again


(The poster that hung in my college dorm room…all 4 years…)

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in music, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 11 Comments

fiction friday 63: back to you. part 9.

fiction friday.


I’ve gone back to ‘fiction friday’… I’ll try not to mess with the ‘schedule’ again… xo


back to you. part 9. [previous: part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8]

Continue reading

Posted in fiction, fiction friday, romance, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

mini golf.

Today was a beautiful day so I took the kids to our favorite mini golf course. I remain the reigning champion. My son is bitter. My daughter is less bitter.

The place is beautiful.

They color the water so it always looks greenish blue… kind of weird… kind of cool.

Ignore my daughter’s head.

I love the waterfalls…

… and the fountains.

We got pretty hot by the end. The humidity is better… but it was still 85°F…

After, I got a big fat iced coffee. (Is there any other size?) And I spent a stupid amount getting the kids coolattas because how can I only get something for me? Oh, the guilt. By the way, in case you were wondering, the pink lemonade coolatta is delicious. But not as good as my butter pecan iced coffee… damn, that’s fabulous. I don’t know why they don’t have that year-round. Yummmm.


All images my own.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in family, photography, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments