more about the name thing.

Posted on 21 September 2017 by

calvin.

[I’m not really freaking out… I just love this picture. How could I not?]

So… about the name thing. Yeah, I really am posting about this again… Sorry. Feel free to skip this post!

I’m not changing the RedBubble/what sandra makes shop (at least not right now… someday, who knows). I just want a different (better) name for my handmade/home-printed stuff.

For years, I used a name derived from my son’s name. (I’m not a mean mom… I created it before my daughter was born.) But I wasn’t selling my stuff… it was for me or for family. And of course, that name is taken so I cannot use it if I sell.

I hate this whole process. This is the reason I never opened an Etsy shop. I started setting it up FIVE years ago… but I couldn’t come up with a name… so I stopped right there. And I’m still stuck there now…

I don’t want to use my name. I don’t want to use ‘card’ or anything else limiting what I sell. And, of course, I am not a cutesy person at all. I’m a dark person. I’m a coffee-drinking, music-listening, donut-loving emotional disaster. If you read my blog, I think you know what I’m like… kinda… mostly.

Here are some of the names I did like… but I already hate some of them… maybe this list will give a better idea of where I was going… or trying to go… or failing to go.

• inkling or inklings (too cute? taken anyway…)
• dark cloud or dark clouds (too dark? is there any such thing?)
• c__ and caffeinated or c__ and caffeine or c__ and coffee (c__ would be a word that starts with c and describes me. NO not that one!! But I don’t want it to sound like I’m a coffee shop… so maybe these don’t work…)
• two am (when I usually end up designing things…)
• ellipses… (I use them constantly… probably too much…)
• first draft (I have no idea where I got this…)
• aisle five (this comes from a song…)
• ___works (I don’t know what goes in the blank…)

Also, I liked sonofabeach‘s ‘graffeinated’ suggestion, but I’d do grapheinated instead… but either way, all I can think of is graph paper… and while I’m a math geek, it doesn’t quite fit for this.

Oh… and I also have a thing for using all lowercase letters. Maybe I have an inferiority complex. Yeah… maybe.

As I read through this post, I’m picking out words and phrases that I could use… but most of them are ridiculous… ‘inferiority complex‘… ‘lowercase‘… ‘emotional disaster‘… ‘five years‘…

And…
I should have included all of this in the first post… apologies. 


©2017 what sandra thinks

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year two.

Posted on 20 September 2017 by

I just realized that I passed my anniversary. My blogging anniversary. The second one.

[No, I will not use any words that combine the word blog with another word such as anniversary, universe, stratosphere, or anything else. No offense intended if you use these combined-words… I just refuse to use them.] 

[Come to think of it, there are a lot of ‘hip’ words (are they hip? ugh) that I refuse to use. They make me cringe. Again, no offense if you use them. I don’t hold it against you. They are (far too) common, after all. I just could never use them myself. I won’t list those either. But they are shortened or modified versions of totally, amazing… you get the idea.]

[I’d say maybe it’s my age but then you may not believe that I’m 29 anymore.]

Now that I’m done bitching about words…

This blog is two years old. It walks and talks more than ever. It gets into everything. And it may be entering the terrible twos.

I’m supposed to say that my blog is for me… and it is… but it’s also for you. I want you to be interested… or entertained… or something. Hopefully not appalled. I often wonder how to make my blog better… but then I realize I should not be giving myself additional stress. I already have more than I can handle.

But… I hate that I haven’t been able to post fiction … and I hate that my recent poetry sucks… and I hate that I’m such a mess that I spend too much time talking about my failings as a human being.

But… you’re here and that amazes me daily.

Thank you.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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I need a name.

Posted on 20 September 2017 by

I know the name should come from me… if I’m so fucking creative, I should be able to come up with my own name. And ultimately, it will come from me. But I need some ideas thrown at me. Not literally. I’m not looking for personal injury. Unless I can sue for millions. Then, go ahead… hurt me.

I need a brand for my design work. I have this blog… what sandra thinks. And I used that to come up with my RedBubble shop name… what sandra makes. Cute… makes sense… fits. But I don’t want to use ‘what sandra makes‘ when I sell handmade, printed-by-me cards and such. (If I can ever manage to get my ass in gear and do that.) I want a name that’s kind of like a company name. But not stupid. Or cheesy. Something that fits.

I had a list of names I liked, but every single one of them is already in use in one way or another. Fail. I was messing around with creating a logo… but I can only go so far without a name. I even did some research… and found that the best names are one word… 5-10 letters long. That would be nice… but everything is taken. It doesn’t even have to be a real word! I made up a few that I thought  sounded good… but… still taken.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anything at all… 

Edited to add:
—It does not need (nor do I want it) to include “sandra”…
—It is probably best that it’s not specific to cards since I may sell other things at some point…
—I want a catchy memorable name… like Google… Yahoo… Target… Apple… Starbucks… but it doesn’t even have to mean anything… or be a real word.

I know… I’m asking a lot.

And I should have said all of this in the first place… sorry!  

By the way… when I edit a post, do people get a new notification (if you get notifications)? Does it move up in the Reader? I’ve always wondered that…

©2017 what sandra thinks

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no escape.

Posted on 19 September 2017 by

I think of you
but pain creeps in
or maybe it’s fear
that’s how it begins
I escape to fresh air
try to walk off emotions
still I can’t shake them
they leave me broken
again I find something
anything to take over
but nothing can lift
the weight from my shoulders
‘think of something else’
oh, I really do try
but nothing can stop
the tears that I cry


©2017 what sandra thinks

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moody monday. #6 #supportorlackthereof

Posted on 18 September 2017 by

moody monday.

I had an uneventful weekend… which is both good and bad. Nothing especially bad happened… so that’s good. But nothing really happened at all… so that’s bad.

I feel like I should be doing more stuff with my kids over the weekends, but it’s really hard coming up with things to do that don’t cost anything… and that I’m not too messed up to do (like because of my stupid foot pain that acts up sometimes, for example). Maybe they’re getting too old to hang out with Mom anyway. I know my son is. And… maybe I’m lazy… but that’s probably my moodiness talking… and taking over at times… and I wish it would leave me the hell alone.

I’ve been wondering if I should limit my emotional disaster posts to this one… once a week. But I don’t know that I can make (or keep) that promise. When something happens and I need a friend (or 20), I write… and I post here. Because I have no real-life friends… I have no support. God, that’s even more pathetic in writing than it is in reality. Okay, maybe not more pathetic. But at least as pathetic.

I was about to say, ‘I wonder why I can’t make friends’, but I know why. I’m not around people enough because it freaks me out. (And because I’m unemployed.) But even if I was around people more (like when I was working… or anywhere else), I don’t know how to make small talk. I never know what to say. I end up silent or making jokes, often at my own expense, because that’s all I’ve got. And none of that is winning me any friends.

And really, where would I even go? People don’t talk to strangers at coffee shops or the library or any other places I might go. People are in their own worlds… doing their own thing. Most people already have friends… why would they want me? I’m mostly a nuisance with all my emotional-disaster-ness. (Which is also why I’m often afraid to email those of you who’ve said you’re there for me. I believe you and I appreciate you so much… but I don’t want to drive you away…)

One might think I have a good, if not best, friend in my husband or one of my sisters.

I am close to the two sisters who speak to me. (Someday, maybe I’ll post about the third.) But despite being close with those sisters, they really don’t get me. They don’t understand the anxiety and depression I live with. They think ‘snap out of it’… ‘cheer up’… ‘think positively’… or other such things. Don’t people know that if I could do those things, I obviously would? Those things are exactly what I’m incapable of doing (along with ‘love yourself’). Fuck… I wish I could just do those things!

And my husband. Well, he’s useless with this stuff. I know I say some shit about him. And it’s all true. But he’s not a bad guy. He’s not mean or anything like that. He’s just not… there for me, I guess. He used to be. Maybe he got sick of me. But it’s not like I ever hid who I was. I’ve always been a disaster… from the moment we met. He loved me anyway. But now… I really can’t talk to him when I’m in crisis… when I need someone. If I try, I usually come out of it feeling worse. Mostly because he says pretty much nothing… and it doesn’t even feel like he’s listening. I might as well talk to a brick.

So. I don’t know where I was going with any of this. I guess this is what came out when I thought about my mood. And this week… I can actually describe my mood in one word…

Final assessment: lonely


©2017 what sandra thinks

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song of the day. #42 | song lyric sunday.

Posted on 17 September 2017 by

song of the day | what sandra thinks

This edition of ‘song of the day‘ is also a post for ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘. The challenge is to post a song that fits the weekly theme. Or even a song that doesn’t fit… just to share some lyrics and music.

This week’s theme is fortune telling/predicting the future. This song might be a little bit of a stretch… but I love it so you get it anyway…

dots.

Looking for love was my undoing. Kind of. People used to say that you’ll never find it if you’re looking… that it would just show up when you’re not expecting it. I knew I was screwed… because I was always looking for it. And then people started throwing reality at me. Or what they thought was reality: The fairy tale doesn’t exist — not even close.

So… not only was I always looking, but apparently, I was looking for something that didn’t exist. Maybe that’s why I gave up. Good enough was good enough. Or so I thought. You know me… I assumed I didn’t deserve anything more.

Maybe I actually belong with that kid who used to sit with me on the school bus. Maybe it was that boy who teased me in high school. How could I know?

Anyway… that was depressing. Moving on…

This song isn’t only about the one who (maybe) got away. It’s about (impatiently) waiting for him (or her, depending on your preference).

Hurry up and get here… I’ll know it’s you when you show up. Hopefully. That’s predicting the future, right?

swirly
Love Song for No One / John Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back on old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I’m jaded, I hate it

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here (get here)

Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it when I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You’ll be so good
You’ll be so good for me
—
Written by John Mayer & Clay Cook 

song of the day

This is live… because John Mayer live is perfect. Better than the album version… always.

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
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who I am. #socs

Posted on 16 September 2017 by

This is only the second time I’ve done this… Stream of Consciousness Saturday. No editing is allowed (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…) except for spelling errors…

This week, the prompt is ‘vol‘… a word with ‘vol‘ in it.

divider dots.

I think I’ve lost myself. No, scratch that. I’m not sure I ever found myself. I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out who I am supposed to be… and I’ve spent none of my life just being. Just being me. Because I don’t know how to be me.

I don’t know who I am.

I know I talk about myself too much around here. You’ve got a deeper insight into my brain than anyone. (I’m sorry.) Is that sad? Maybe… maybe not. But I think we can all agree that it’s easier to spill ones guts to a screen than to someone’s face. I think there are very few people (like… one or two, tops) in this world with whom I’d feel comfortable enough to share what I share here.

But… despite all of my personal sharing, I don’t think the world revolves around me. How can it? I don’t even know who I am.

And I can’t believe I never realized this before. It’s so obvious!

Who the hell am I? Sandra. Yep. But who the hell is she? I don’t know.

When I was a kid, was that me? Maybe. Or maybe I was just doing  what everyone else did… because that’s what I was supposed to do.

As I got older, I wanted to be one of the cool kids. Or at the very least, I wanted the other kids to like me. So I tried to be them. What I never saw, though, was that being cool didn’t mean becoming them. It meant being me… because I was already cool. Except I didn’t think so… because I didn’t know who I was.

Even simple insignificant things may or may not have really been ‘me‘…

Did I ever really love that song? Want those clothes? Think those thoughts? Or was I still trying to be someone else… someone they (he?) wanted me to be? [Let’s face it… from about age 13, it was always about a ‘he’… not a ‘them’.] I made the choices I thought would make them (him?) love me. I never thought they (he?) would want me if I broke away… if I didn’t do the cool thing… if I was myself. But how could I be myself? I didn’t know who I was.

I can’t help wondering what I would have done… how things would be now… if I truly thought about what I wanted… what was truly best for me… and what would make me me. I wonder how things would be if I wasn’t always trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing… thinking… being.

Maybe my world should revolve around me… maybe it always should have. But I think I have to know who I am first. How? I think whoever I am has been lost my whole life. I don’t know how to find me.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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nonexistent. #poetry

Posted on 16 September 2017 by

I needed you
to hear me
so I screamed
from my heart
but you were lost
inside yourself
and in your world
I don’t exist

louder this time
aching for you
to hold me
and give me hope
but you never saw
beyond yourself
so in my world
you don’t exist

dots
©2017 what sandra thinks

(image source: by Lace http://drawspeedart.blogspot.fr/)

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