my heart is broken.

My life is a mess.

And my heart is broken.

I am just broken. Mentally, physically… sigh.

I can’t even talk about a lot of what is happening in my life because it pains me to discuss it. And what I can discuss, you already know.

But recently, the things happening around me (and inside me) have gotten worse. I have tried to do what I can to make things better for myself and those around me, but I’m failing spectacularly. I have tried everything I can think of. I am still waiting on some things I’ve put in motion, but I’m not hopeful. And hopelessness is contagious. I don’t want to be spreading that to the people in my life, but I think it’s too late. The damage is done.

I feel so alone. Not literally. What I mean is that I am dealing with everything alone. I don’t have help. I have an NP who I speak to every two to three weeks, but it’s barely anything. And it’s not her job to help me on a day-to-day basis. It’s mine. But I need help and I don’t have it. I’m barely hanging on.

I spent a total of about four hours crying today (not all at once). I just can’t stop the pain inside, outside, everywhere around me.

• • • • •

I have to leave them here even if I have nothing to say about them right now.

p.s. — Thank you for reading even when I’m… like this.  

©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

76 Responses to my heart is broken.

  1. davidprosser says:

    Darling you need help. I don’t mean psychiatric help, though you may need that too, I’m talking of more practical help to get you through this crisis. When you speak to your NP tell her exactly what you’re suffering with and ask exactly where you can get help with specifics. She must have a good idea of agencies that offer help and may even help you approach them. If you think your problem requires psychiatric help for you to be boosted into coping patterns then ask for that, ask her to help you get an appointment because you’re desperate. Don’t suffer in silence and don’t keep whatever it is hidden from those that care about you as they may also be able to offer help. I hope you find a way to get some coping mechanisms in place and medical help too if it’s needed. Good Luck
    Huge Hugs

    Liked by 6 people

    • I don’t know what the specifics even are. Honestly, I feel like I have so many things coming at me, so many things inside me, that I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know how to explain anymore. I don’t know. And I struggle to do things. I need someone to hold my hand. I don’t have that.

      I don’t talk about this with my mom, sisters because they don’t understand. They don’t know how to help so they just gloss over everything like it’s no big deal. If I try to explain further, they think I’m being overly dramatic.

      My NP is my mental health NP. She is wonderful, but I don’t know if anyone can help me enough. I’m afraid that someone is going to tell me I need to go away and I can’t do that. My kids need me here.

      Thank you for caring enough to write this comment to me. Hugs to you, too.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m going to hit the star for this post, not because I’m happy to have read it, but because I feel like you consistently take words right out of my head. I’m very sorry to hear that you are struggling. I feel like I can relate to you but I know that doesn’t provide you the help you need. We don’t know each other in our analog lives, but I do believe we would be fast friends. I don’t pray, per se, but I’ll be hoping you get some kind of reprieve soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Love, not all is lost. I may not know the scope of everything happening to you, but it’s apparent that you’re in pain and you can’t see an end to it. That’s never a good place to be. I can tell you one thing for sure: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. You are loved, even if the ones around you don’t know how to help. If I could be there physically, I’d hold your hand and tell you it’ll get better. Just keep going.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Deepika says:

    I’m in the same boat as you are. Please see a therapist and they will prescribe some anti depressent. Mine suggested abilify. You might feel better. And spend at least one hour for yourself. Take up some hobby. If you are living in US, Michael’s offers lots of arts and crafts. Take up something like knitting, crochet. Do for half an hour. I know it’s easy to advice but I’m just suggesting you what helped me. Of course everybody has their own coping mechanism. Please give it a try and see if it gives you some peace. Don’t forget you are not alone. My life is also a mess and everyday I suffer. I pick up a book and immerse myself in it.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. SandyLand says:

    Don’t stop writing! Get all that nastiness and sadness out, girl. You’re doing great here at keeping your head above water. Hang on and look for that life vest. Maybe a Mental Health Association (they usually offer free programs and emergency appointments) or a community outreach.
    You’re never alone from your blogging community. ❤ Chin up!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. gigglingfattie says:

    Is there any way that you can see a therapist? I’m thinking of starting to see one soon because I’m finding that I’m also struggling emotionally right now. I’m going to wait until my health benefits start from my new job next month though but it’s definitely something that I want to try

    Liked by 2 people

    • I have seen therapists in the past but it has never helped. Not to mention how hard it is to find one. It’s a random choice and the chances I’ll end up with someone who I “click” with are slim. I also have copays for everything and it’s adding up quickly. My NP, who manages my medication, acts as a therapist to some extent, but I only see her for a half hour every 2-3 weeks. I totally click with her but she’s not technically a therapist. At this point, unless my life changes drastically (which isn’t likely), I don’t think there’s anything I can do. But living like this isn’t working out for me either.


  7. So sorry, my friend. Continued prayers for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jane tims says:

    I hear desperation in your writing. I will only say that when I feel worst, it helps to treat myself like a child. It sounds dumb but I set small goals and give myself stickers for progress. I am gentle with myself and give myself small rewards I love (example: ice cream, a nap). I ask for help by telling people I trust how I feel. This will not be easy and consider the wise words of my Mom: bit by bit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It doesn’t sound dumb at all. I don’t know if it would work for me. I just had three pieces of my daughter’s Halloween candy. Does that count as a reward? But if so, I don’t know what I’m rewarding myself for.
      I don’t have anyone to ask for help. My family doesn’t understand, my husband is too close to a lot of what’s going wrong, my kids are, well, kids, and I have no friends. I am on my own. And I’m really tired.


      • jane tims says:

        You need to set your own goals. Three pieces of Halloween candy is just fun. Pick a simple goal and go for it. Then reward yourself. You likely need to talk to someone. Dp you have a Help-line where you are?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know what goals to set. Everything I can think of is huge, so failures is guaranteed.

          I think I have a help line I can use through my health insurance, but I’m bad with phone calls. I wish I had something that used text messages. I’ve looked before but I’ve never found anything other than an actual crisis site that will talk through text. That’s all volunteers anyway. I probably need a professional. But I also need free.


          • jane tims says:

            Most of my goals are really small. I have big mobility issues, so I give myself a sticker every time I go upstairs; When I dread cleaning the bathroom, I just polish the mirror and do the rest in bits. Bit by bit is how I make it through the day. As for getting professional help, start with a frank discussion with your Doctor.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I so have some professional help already, but I don’t have a therapist. Therapy has been useless for me every time I’ve tried. Medication helps, but it doesn’t fix my life. And I’m so anxious lately, I have trouble focusing on anything. I understand what you’re saying about small goals. I need to figure that out for me. Today is just not the day for that, I don’t think. I am super anxious.

              Liked by 1 person

  9. Love and hugs to you, as always Sandra. You really do need to get out and about. Nothing specific, just in fresh air with a gust of wind, the changing trees. Let the shit get blown out of your life. I started walking again – your turn now. Extra hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you started walking. Unfortunately, I have been having worsening back pain and I don’t know how much walking I can do even if I could motivate myself to try. But I’m not motivated. It feels pointless. Everything does. As soon as I take one positive step, more badness comes to me and I’m thrown fifty steps back. I’m not getting anywhere. In fact, I’m going backwards. I just want to get off the train (or whatever awful vehicle I’m stuck on).

      Liked by 1 person

  10. jrvincente says:

    I have nothing to offer but *hugs*. I wish I could help.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Simon says:

    Hi… it sounds like you’re struggling. I wish I could help you beyond these short words, I just hope that light comes into your life. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Eric Edland says:

    I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through and it’s something I find very relatable. It’s really hard to do much in the midst of that kind of experience. Do the best you can to take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I don’t know you but I’m always here to listen if you need it!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Jhuma Khan says:

    Sending you positive vibration! Hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. When I read the title and your post, it literally felt like somebody was sharing my exact same thoughts..I do feel you but just getting to smile after a while…I really just wanna send you strong vibes of positivity, strength and love and a strong bear hug….hope things get better soon. Genuinely May God Bless You Dear….💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

    Liked by 2 people

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  18. An says:

    Hi Sandra. I just stumbled upon your blog. All I can say is don’t lose hope. That is all we have. I feel what you are feeling right now. I have gone through such feelings too in the past where I felt that this is it, I can’t go on anymore. Lots of love and virtual hugs. 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Pray God is near. He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3


  20. Amy Adams says:

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I used to feel that way all the time until God blessed me with the Holy Spirit. Now, whenever I’m alone, I’m not really alone because God is there to talk to me and knows exactly what to say. I never knew you could talk to God and He would answer back until last year, so if you want to seek a relationship, it’s well worth it to talk to Him and have Him slowly heal you of all your pain. If you want to talk, I’m here too. I’ve had major depression and anxiety since I was 16 and it’s not 100% gone all the time, but it’s not how I used to feel all the time. I hope you feel better soon!


  21. Jiya rathi says:

    Hey! You express beautifully but as I read it through, I gotta think to need to talk to you. Dear, can I have your mail id, then?

    Liked by 1 person

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