[Disclaimer: Reality-based humor follows. Food bloggers, don’t be offended. Or… if you’re easily offended, run. Run far away.]
Dear food bloggers,
Please take the following under advisement. And don’t fret… I don’t expect any response. Answers and explanations would probably only annoy me more.
1) Are you all stay-at-home moms with gorgeous kitchens and a fucking photo studio? Everything’s a little too perfect. Mine can’t be the only kitchen on earth in need of a little updating. Or maybe it is. What do I know? I’m just a lowly Pinterest user.
2) Stop calling yourself a ‘busy mom.’ It’s redundant. And you’re not special. Every mom is busy. It’s kind of part of the definition. Dads, too, for that matter. Fuck, anyone for that matter. Everyone is fucking busy! If you’re so damn busy, stop blogging. I’ll just get the recipe from Food Network or something.
3) Are you fucking kidding me with the ads? Some food blogs take so damn long to load, I bail. There are billions of you… I’ll find the recipe somewhere else… somewhere less obnoxious. I am not there to have a seizure-inducing number of ads flash in my face while I wait ten minutes for the goddamn recipe to load. If I wanted to see that many popups, I’d go to a porn site. [Not that I have any experience that would confirm the number of popups on that sort of site. I heard it from a friend.] I’m not going to click on your damn ads. If I want to go internet shopping, I will do so on my own. I’m not going to surf through your pad thai recipe to get to fucking amazon.com. I realize this is a way for you to make money but I just want the fucking recipe. I’m not there to pad your wallet. [Although I guess that’s what I’m doing. Hey, why don’t you come over to my awesome blog and give me money? That’d be swell… thanks.] Oh… by the way… excessive advertising makes your blog ugly as fuck.
4) No, I do not want your fucking newsletter. I want this one recipe for this one particular thing. I don’t give a shit what else you make. [Unless I happen to end up back through a different pin…]
5) Tell me how many/how much the recipe is going to make. I may not want enough [whatever-I’m-making] to serve 90 people. Or not enough to serve 4.
6) Changing one ingredient slightly from a recipe you lifted from another site does not make it your original recipe. And it sure as fuck doesn’t make it your great grandma’s secret recipe. I don’t know about other readers, but I’m not stupid. Changing the cinnamon quantity from 1 tsp to ½ tsp doesn’t make it your recipe. It makes it your ‘tweak.’ And it doesn’t make it better either. Why would you take away any cinnamon? That’s crazy talk.
7) And for the love of god, I do not care if your dog did something cute that day. Or how the weather’s been lately. The rainfall level in fucking Kansas [I haven’t a clue where any food blogger I’ve ever visited lives.] has no bearing on my life.
To the commenters:
Please know that if your comment simply says, ‘this looks good,’ or, “I can’t wait to try this,’ it’s useless. Shut the fuck up. Obviously it looks good. Why would I be there if the result looked like something the cat puked up? Try the damn recipe first and then comment. I want to know if it is good… not if it looks good. Because maybe I’m a bitch (maybe? ha!), but I’m not 100% convinced every food blogger posts only the recipes that turn out well. I say this from experience. I think they take their pretty pictures and post the recipe even if it tasted like butt.
If you’re interested, I’ve got a recipe for what I fondly named feet soup. Totally smells like feet. Kinda tasted like ’em, too.
©2017 what sandra thinks