to the food bloggers.

[Disclaimer: Reality-based humor follows. Food bloggers, don’t be offended. Or… if you’re easily offended, run. Run far away.]

Dear food bloggers,

Please take the following under advisement. And don’t fret… I don’t expect any response. Answers and explanations would probably only annoy me more.

dots.

1) Are you all stay-at-home moms with gorgeous kitchens and a fucking photo studio? Everything’s a little too perfect. Mine can’t be the only kitchen on earth in need of a little updating. Or maybe it is. What do I know? I’m just a lowly Pinterest user.

2) Stop calling yourself a ‘busy mom.’ It’s redundant. And you’re not special. Every mom is busy. It’s kind of part of the definition. Dads, too, for that matter. Fuck, anyone for that matter. Everyone is fucking busy! If you’re so damn busy, stop blogging. I’ll just get the recipe from Food Network or something.

3) Are you fucking kidding me with the ads? Some food blogs take so damn long to load, I bail. There are billions of you… I’ll find the recipe somewhere else… somewhere less obnoxious. I am not there to have a seizure-inducing number of ads flash in my face while I wait ten minutes for the goddamn recipe to load. If I wanted to see that many popups, I’d go to a porn site. [Not that I have any experience that would confirm the number of popups on that sort of site. I heard it from a friend.] I’m not going to click on your damn ads. If I want to go internet shopping, I will do so on my own. I’m not going to surf through your pad thai recipe to get to fucking amazon.com. I realize this is a way for you to make money but I just want the fucking recipe. I’m not there to pad your wallet. [Although I guess that’s what I’m doing. Hey, why don’t you come over to my awesome blog and give me money? That’d be swell… thanks.] Oh… by the way… excessive advertising makes your blog ugly as fuck.

4) No, I do not want your fucking newsletter. I want this one recipe for this one particular thing. I don’t give a shit what else you make. [Unless I happen to end up back through a different pin…]

5) Tell me how many/how much the recipe is going to make. I may not want enough [whatever-I’m-making] to serve 90 people. Or not enough to serve 4.

6) Changing one ingredient slightly from a recipe you lifted from another site does not make it your original recipe. And it sure as fuck doesn’t make it your great grandma’s secret recipe. I don’t know about other readers, but I’m not stupid. Changing the cinnamon quantity from 1 tsp to ½ tsp doesn’t make it your recipe. It makes it your ‘tweak.’ And it doesn’t make it better either. Why would you take away any cinnamon? That’s crazy talk.

7) And for the love of god, I do not care if your dog did something cute that day. Or how the weather’s been lately. The rainfall level in fucking Kansas [I haven’t a clue where any food blogger I’ve ever visited lives.] has no bearing on my life.

And finally…

To the commenters:
Please know that if your comment simply says, ‘this looks good,’ or, “I can’t wait to try this,’ it’s useless. Shut the fuck up. Obviously it looks good. Why would I be there if the result looked like something the cat puked up?  Try the damn recipe first and then comment. I want to know if it is good… not if it looks good. Because maybe I’m a bitch (maybe? ha!), but I’m not 100% convinced every food blogger posts only the recipes that turn out well. I say this from experience. I think they take their pretty pictures and post the recipe even if it tasted like butt.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a recipe for what I fondly named feet soup. Totally smells like feet. Kinda tasted like ’em, too.

dots.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Advertisements

About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
This entry was posted in food, humor, rant, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

50 Responses to to the food bloggers.

  1. magarisa says:

    Hahahahahahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You really must try pouring some cheap sherry over your husband’s feet then licking them dry. It’s barely distinguishable from Stilton and Port. A good complement for the feet soup!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Nortina S. says:

    Yes!!! I’m not the only one who feels this way about food bloggers! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That was funny as hell! Thank you. 😃😃

    Liked by 2 people

  5. stephieann8 says:

    hahaha I always click the back button when I’m overloaded with ads. They always show me my Torrid wishlist clothes.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Preach! I can’t agree more with your “To the commenters” rant. I dig through the comments only because I’m looking for hints like “I found that chilling the dough helps make the…” or “Pro tip, make sure you…” not for another “Yummm”.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Exactly! I mean, come on… everything looks delicious but that doesn’t mean it’ll turn out that way for me. I want a real person’s experience with the recipe. And like you said — good tips!

      Like

  7. Hahaha, you always make me laugh! And it was spot on!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. hehehe I never thought I’d find a market for this, but now I’m gonna have to branch out into the exciting world of food blogging as well. I’ve created a delicious concoction called “dirty Diaper Pizza.” It may not sound delicious at first, but once you try a crunchy, yet mushy bite of the baked beans, peas, fried tortilla and… well you’ll just have to check it out when I write it up. It’ll be right below a pic of the cat I don’t have, playing in the snow that melted months ago, while I complain about how busy I’m not.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. pluviolover says:

    I tried food blogging. It was not to my taste. No being a Mom, I was unqualified. Nobody told me what the skill set was. Now I know why I hated it failed.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. stomperdad says:

    This sounds good! Haha see what I did there? Thanks for the laugh. You’re so right. Just like Playboy magazine, I don’t go to Internet recipes for the reading material.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Melissa says:

    Loved this! I’m a food blogger- but not this type of food blogger! 😛 Thanks for putting this out!

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I think Ive enjoyed or not enjoyed that feet soup a few times lol. I am a food blogger too and a stay at home mom with a very old out of date kitchen (just try not to include that in the pics) when I seem to disappear for awhile its probably because I am cooking like crap, I go through phases! I agree everybody is busy – I am too I just enjoy cooking! I enjoyed your piece!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. eslilees says:

    ha! I am new to the food blogging world and I found this helpful so I can keep it in mind. Thanks for being honest and hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. lol I’m a mum food blogger and this cracked me up so much because I feel the same way about my peers (hate their ads, and I don’t have a studio but I make do with my coffee table and vinyl). Anyway for the record, and just for you, I upgraded my WordPress plan so there are no more ads on my posts 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 I have not spent the $ to upgrade to have no ads whatsoever… WP does what it does… I don’t have the money at the moment. But I haven’t added anything… no flashy ads all over the place and definitely no pop-ups! I really hate those! I’m glad you got a laugh!

      Like

  15. (Sorry to repost, it happened again I posted with my old account the first time)

    lol I’m a mum food blogger and this cracked me up so much because I feel the same way about my peers (hate their ads, and I don’t have a studio but I make do with my coffee table and vinyl). Anyway for the record, and just for you, I upgraded my WordPress plan so there are no more ads on my posts 😂

    Like

  16. Kelly Welch says:

    #3 & #7 , yessss. I love this so much. Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. my 1st read of all blogging sites as I’m extremely new to this world and I’m hooked!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw, thanks! What a lovely compliment! I was messing around… being funny with this post. But I post all sorts of things… funny things, fiction and poetry… and personal junk! I hope you find other things you enjoy reading here!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Stacia May says:

    Lol

    Like

  19. Stacia May says:

    Also, I am a food blogger, but when I want a recipe, I think the same thing–“enough with the ads”, “I don’t care about your cat jumping on the couch today” 😂

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Simply hilarious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  21. zatarahale says:

    You pretty much just stated everything most people think when they go read a million adds or how cute the persons kids are before making it to the recipe. Those are reasons why I started my own food blog so people can go their to get the recipe they went to my site for, not to read how many times I had to change my kids diaper or how they learned to roll over. Thanks for the good laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

thoughts? talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s