everything. #poetry

I wish I hadn’t been blind
when you were by my side
because I had everything

I was a fool to think
I’d find something more
because you were everything

I cannot understand
why I let you go
because I lost everything

I live without you now
and it hurts because I know
I will never have everything


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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75 Responses to everything. #poetry

  1. Is this based in truth? Why’d you let him go, if so?

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is true. And I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me! I question my worth so much that I ruin all the good things. I think I don’t deserve them. I don’t know I’m doing it at the time, but I sabotage those things. I guess the reason so many parts of my life suck is because that’s what I deserve. I do it to myself and never realize I’ve done it until it’s too late…

      Liked by 2 people

      • Self-fulfilling prophecy! It’s a real thing. I know it sounds cliche, but good begets good. The same is true for negativity. And you do deserve to have good things! Of course you do. Quit thinking you don’t!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I guess I have trouble coming up with explanations for the sucky things… so I figure they suck because that’s what I deserve. What other explanation is there? I did it all to myself even if I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. I’m probably doing something right now that I’ll regret later even though I can’t figure out what it is. I am drowning in regret today. It’s true what they day… it’s a useless emotion… but that doesn’t mean I can get it out of my head…

          Liked by 1 person

          • It really is useless. Unless the regrets lead to change, or fixing what you regret. Is that possible? If not, you gotta let it go, man. It’ll eat ya’ alive.

            Like

            • Without time travel, it’s not possible. I wish I could get it out of my head. If there’s a way… and a way to fix it, I can’t figure it out. Also my brain can’t do the things “normal” people can do so that’s a problem…

              Liked by 1 person

              • Is this about the one from high school?

                Liked by 1 person

                • No… the one from the end of college… who I was with for 4 years until I fucked it up…

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Can I ask how? How you fucked it up, that is? 4 years is a long time.

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I had no idea what I was doing at the time but I guess I was still kind of figuring myself out (never did do that)… and I wondered if there was something else out there even though I already had him… and I was blind to how amazing he was and how much I loved him and he loved me… so I subconsciously pushed him away until finally, he found someone else. It’s like that ‘blind’ poem I wrote. I start to focus on some stupid thing I don’t have and I lose sight of what I do have. And really, what more could I have wanted? He was pretty much perfect for me.

                      And this is all my own analysis at this moment… so it could be totally wrong…

                      Basically, I’m totally a disaster and I ruin things that are good because I see so much bad. Then there’s more bad… and on and on it goes. It’s a sickness.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know it sounds simplistic, but being positive, even when in the weeds, leads to more positive. Not in religious sense. I’m NOT religious. But I believe in the power of the universe, and seeing the good, even when it seems there is none, leads to more good. It really does. I wish I knew how to lead you down that path. Start small though. Being grateful for even the smallest things can shut those negative voices down to a manageable level, and the universe rewards that positive with more. Just gotta see the good. Oh, by the way, the grass is almost never greener, no matter what we think at the time.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Thinking the grass was greener was my downfall, in a way, then… and in other ways it is now, too.

                      Do you know what happens when I try to think about something good or see something in a good way? All the bad things about it overtake my brain so intensely that there’s no good left. I don’t TRY to focus on the bad… it’s not even conscious. It just happens all the time no matter how hard I try to stop it or ignore it. My brain just isn’t capable of it. Even the therapist I saw for a while could see that. We came to a point where he said I just had to believe SOMETHING good, no matter how small, so I’d have a starting point… but I couldn’t do it. I’m just broken… There doesn’t seem to be any combination of anything, chemical or not, that fixes this even a little.

                      I’m sorry… I’ll shut up now…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Oh, my dear. That makes me sad. I hate this for you. I’m trying to think of anything to help. It’s probably irritating. I’m sorry. So, I’ll just send you a hug, tell you I understand, and let you talk. I’m here if you need an ear. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • It’s okay… You most certainly do NOT need to apologize for trying to help. I appreciate you. I just wish I was capable of doing SOMETHING. I’m sure it’s totally frustrating for you and I’m sorry for that.

                      When I have a day like today, usually the way I get through it is to tell myself to accept it… accept that this is just how it is… and hope that tomorrow it’ll slip back farther into my mind and leave me alone… at least for a while. But who knows what will actually happen. I seem to have no control. Yesterday I was okay… today sucks. Tomorrow? Who the fuck knows??

                      Anyway… don’t apologize. I drive everyone away with my ‘issues’ but you’re kind enough to stick around in spite of them. I’m honestly not even sure how you do it! I’m sick of me… how are you not?

                      So thank you. 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Hahaha! Well, being a sick bastard myself, I’ve often wondered the same about everybody too. How could they possibly put up with my shit?!? They must be masochistic. 😃

                      I just recall my wife telling me, during all the shit after her mom died, to not try and fix her, just be there for her. So, I’ll offer you the same. I know I can’t “fix” jack shit. But, I can be here. You know where to find me, if need be. And no, by the way, I won’t be run off. Takes a lot more to break my stubborn ass. 😃

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • It’s funny (not funny haha)… sometimes I wish my husband understood that… don’t walk away because you can’t ‘fix it’… just be there to listen and give hugs or whatever. But to be totally honest, sometimes I’m so irritated with him that I don’t even want that… I just want him to go away.

                      It seems that usually whenever I tell him I’m feeling like crap, he just looks at me like he has no idea what to say or do so he just does nothing… and I want to punch him and tell him to go away. But I don’t have anyone else… so, like an idiot, I try again with him… And then there are those times when I don’t bother.

                      And this comment went in circles and I probably said the same thing in different ways. But you know what I mean.

                      And thanks for putting up with me.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I hear ya’. I’m the type that just wants to be alone in my weeds. That’s my natural response, at least. She’s a talker though, so she tends to drag shit outta me.

                      Just a thought, but could he think you’re blaming him? Ya’ know, not directly necessarily, but as a man, as a husband? We do that. We take it all on us if things aren’t perfect. Especially if our wife isn’t happy. In his own mind, he may feel inadequate. And may not have ever said so. Just asking, because I don’t really know.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • The thing is… it’s not that I want to be alone… it’s more that I just don’t want him in some of those moments. I’d love to have someone… sometimes I just don’t want it to be him.

                      I don’t think he feels bad or feels blamed. Honestly, most of the time I feel like he doesn’t care much at all. I don’t think making me happy is something he spends time thinking about. I don’t think he really gives my moods all that much thought. If anything, he probably resents me because of the unemployment situation even though this allows me to do so much for the kids that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to do…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Man. I’m sorry. That’s kinda crappy, oblivious, or both. Some level of compromise is a necessity. I’m sorry that it isn’t offered. 😕

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • That’s just how it is… and I got myself here so maybe it’s all my own fault… although it wasn’t always this way…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Not willing to work with you on all of this? 😕

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Not really. I told him about my shit day and he laughed… which, like you said, is the expected reaction. But I added in the bits about how I woke up feeling like hell and I’m not sure what to do about a couple of specific things. But that got me nowhere. I still don’t know what to do. I don’t expect him to have answers but he could at least talk it through with me. But now I don’t even want to talk to him about it anymore… even though I still don’t know what to do…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Sounds like a dose of resentment. I wish he’d figure out what he’s missing. 😕

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Because I’m so great? LOL… you’re funny.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Nope. Because he’s supposed to love you. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Of course, I’d like him (someone) to love me because they just love me… not because they’re supposed to… but yeah… he’s supposed to. Oh, he says he does. I guess in his way, that’s probably true…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Well, I wish he’d show you every now and then. In the way you need it, at least. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Me, too… Instead, I write fiction…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Well, I like your fiction, but….. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Yeah… I can’t live there. Unfortunately… 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • That’s an idea for a story. A love story, but one that has the heroine somehow transported into a mystical or magical time and place, within the pages of a book. Or, characters appear from novels into her real life. Maybe? No? 😃

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • What do you mean? My characters appear in my real life all the time. Is that weird? Am I imagining them? I must be losing my mind. 😉

                      It is a good idea… one way or the other… can’t decide which way though…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • My mind was lost years ago, but I think I’m still following along. I think. 😃

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I think I may be having trouble following along!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • What the hell were we talking about?!? 🤔

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • 😀 Me acting like my characters are real… or pretending I’m one of them. Yeah… sometimes I think I’ve lost touch with reality… and the scary thing is, I think I prefer that!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Hahaha! Well, reality sucks sometimes, so a little hideaway is never a bad thing. 😃

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh this hurts to read! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Phil Taylor says:

    Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are what might have been

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Human nature- always crave what we don’t have and then when do have it, we fail to appreciate it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You have portrayed this predicament beautifully

    Liked by 1 person

  6. W. E. Bennett says:

    Wow. Came across this when I was searching for poetry, and it hit me so hard. Relatable. Nice work!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Nessa Sheron says:

    I can relate to this, and the only thing that helps is to remind yourself of the positives in yourself and in your life, abandoning self pity and making plans. Don’t allow yourself to get too sentimental about your choices and the past, accept and remember where you were in your mind at that time and don’t judge yourself. Choose to learn and you will grow! What can also help is to spend time helping and encouraging others through their journey/situations to deepen your life perspective…all the best to you and your journey towards peace and happiness♥

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: greatest hits. | what sandra thinks

  9. I really like your work.

    Like

  10. I feel the pain and guilt from reading this
    Writing helps to release frustration

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: Writer of the Week— What Sandra thinks – Butterflies and Racing Hearts

  12. Obol says:

    I can relate to this so clearly. Haunted by regrets and mistakes. I love your poem, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The picture and then words from your pen, a beautiful combination. can relate to it….

    Liked by 1 person

  14. PrettyPinkandGirlyBlog💕 says:

    Beautiful poem🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I completely understand this poem. Can relate in so many ways. Great writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Kim says:

    Simple, elegant and poignant. It expresses the loss and regret all humankind must experience. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

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