Both… totally useless. But how does one overcome them?
This is not an instructional post. I have no fucking idea how to overcome them. I can tell you how they overcome me, though.
I hold onto guilt and regret for-fucking-ever. I could start with my earliest memories and list my regrets… my feelings of guilt… for every stage of my life. Yeah, I even have regrets from when I was six years old. I shouldn’t have thrown that grilled cheese sandwich at my sister no matter how mean she was to me.
But no one needs to hear all the things about which I’m buried in guilt and regret. Just know that I am and we can move on.
Well, you can move on. Clearly I can’t, thus my dilemma.
I cannot change the past. [Insert 14 clichés that say the same thing here. But really, don’t because I hate that. *insert tongue-sticking-out face here*] I need to stop living there… revisiting there… vacationing there… slipping back there. I need to fucking stop.
How do I do that?
I legit cannot get some of that shit out of my head. Distractions — people, projects, books, writing, shopping, walking, yelling, throwing things… none of these things kill the guilt and regret. Those useless fuckers scream at me still.
This morning, I had a revelation that brought me perhaps the biggest onslaught of guilt and regret I’ve ever felt. It has been repeating in my head ever since. I have had two people already tell me that it’s not true. [One was even my husband! Imagine that! The other was a professional…] But… it gnaws at me. If that were literal, I’d have, like, no arm now. It would have been gnawed off. Now I’m just being gross.
I try to inject humor into posts like this. I think it’s my way of telling you that even though there’s a serious matter at hand, I’m not curled up in a ball in my closet rocking back and forth repeating the word regrets over and over again.
No… I’m curled up somewhere else.
No… I’m just kidding. I’m on the couch. Sitting upright.
And I’m wondering…
Will I ever get to this place:
Well, I hope not because spelling errors piss me the fuck off. But I’ll take that Milky Way.
©2017 what sandra thinks