10 signs you may be failing at life.
1) You put the milk in your bowl before the cereal.
2) You don’t drink the milk after you’ve eaten the cereal.
3) You spread peanut butter then jelly on the same slice of bread, then put another slice of bread on top. [The fuck? PB goes on one slice, jelly on the other, and then they’re sandwiched together… aka: the right way.]
4) You don’t like peanut butter. [You are excused if you are allergic.]
5) You drink decaf.
6) You listen to country music on purpose and enjoy it. [Don’t even tell me if you do this. I’m not sure I’ll get past it.]
7) You have a blog with so fucking many ads and pop-ups that it’s not even worth visiting. [*cough* most food bloggers *cough* note: go to the link… I promise it’s funny.]
8) Your ass shows when you wear shorts.
9) You’re go-to response when someone is having a shit day is ‘it could be worse‘. FY-fucking-I, it could also be better. Say that instead. The first one translates to ‘I don’t give a shit about your problems‘, while the second one gives hope. Which one do you think is helpful? [Hint: Not the first one.]
10) You don’t think this man is the sexiest thing ever. [If you swing that way, of course. I personally fucking run that way. Like, to him.]
I love you, Mr. Sexy Arms [face, beard, eyes, ass] Beach Guy.
Truly, it is okay if you commit any of the aforementioned atrocities [except the country music one]. I’ll try not to lose faith in humanity. Oh, wait, I don’t have any. Well shit.
p.s. — While I am not guilty of any of these particular sins, I’m still failing at life, so don’t feel bad if you saw yourself in any of them. I still love you. But the country music one… seriously, I don’t want to know.
p.p.s. — If you would like to know more about failing at life, just ask. I’m an expert.