most days. #poetry

dream. a poem by sandra.

most days
I don’t understand

what makes me smile
makes me cry
what makes me happy
makes me angry
what makes me go
makes me stop
what makes me wake
makes me sleep

most days
I don’t understand
why I feel
what I feel


©2018 what sandra thinks

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good timing on the snow day.

How convenient that today’s snow day happens to be so soon after I got this…

The movie, I mean… not the guy. Unfortunately…

Of course, it’s making writing difficult as I can barely take my eyes off the screen. Maybe I’ll have something to post tonight. Or tomorrow. Or someday.

For now… hello.

And… back to the sexy Asgardian…

(I know… this is a silly and pointless post…)


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freak show. #1linerWeds

My life is like a freak show… only no one pays to see it.


Have a nice day. 🙂

[Written for One-Liner Wednesday]


©2018 what sandra thinks

But the one-liner is inspired by this show… which is not the show represented by the photo above, that one being Rick & Morty. Yes, I watch cartoons.


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stars. #poetry

When the sparkle of the stars
Made night as bright as day
It was the first time
I really saw your eyes
And I could read them
Like a novel
Written just for me


©2018 what sandra thinks

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A long time ago on this blog, I posted about a time I screwed up a relationship because I was so worried that I wasn’t actually special… so paranoid that the relationship was going to end that I caused the very ending I feared.

I couldn’t just enjoy it. I couldn’t ‘live in the moment.’ Instead, I thought about the future and became so concerned about what was going to happen… about what could go wrong… that I made everything go wrong.

That post is gone, just in case you’re looking for it. I removed it because the person with whom I ruined the relationship said these words to me:

You should take that post down. It makes you look unstable.

I was offended… insulted… belittled. And I took down the post.

I have days of heightened anxiety and sadness. I’ve not kept that a secret. But through it, I live my life. As well as I’m able. I do what I have to do… and usually more. I take care of my children, my home, my health. I am not perfect at any of those things… or at anything. (Who is?) But I do the best I can.

Maybe it’s not good enough. Who’s to say? I’m usually my harshest judge… and even I wouldn’t use the word ‘unstable’. I may not be up all the time… but I’m not down all the time either. And that’s normal. Ups and downs. Everyone has them.

Maybe we’re all ‘unstable‘…


©2018 what sandra thinks


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song of the day. #55 | song lyric sunday. #music

These week’s theme for Song Lyric Sunday is numbers.

This is a song filled with frustration. Trust being broken. Patience being tested. It’s a song about wanting to run away to a safer, more peaceful world… but realizing that it won’t work because it would crush your dreams… your aspirations… your creativity. It’s about fighting… about nothing holding you back… about facing anything because it’s worth it not to be silenced…

Seven Nation Army | The White Stripes

I’m gonna fight ’em off
A seven nation army couldn’t hold me back
They’re gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back

And I’m talking to myself at night
Because I can’t forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette

And the message coming from my eyes
Says “Leave it alone”

Don’t want to hear about it
Every single one’s got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the Hounds of Hell

And if I catch it coming back my way
I’m gonna serve it to you
And that ain’t what you want to hear
But that’s what I’ll do

And the feeling coming from my bones
Says “Find a home”

I’m going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I’m gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore

And I’m bleeding, and I’m bleeding, and I’m bleeding
Right before the Lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains coming from my blood
Tell me “Go back home”

[Written by Jack White]

song of the day

song of the day

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… ©2018 what sandra thinks

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fine… is not fine. #socs

This quote (from 2 Broke Girls… which was hilarious in the beginning but lost it’s magic for me later…) is the first thing I think of when I hear the word fine. It’s funny as hell, I think… because it’s true.

How do I look?

This does not mean I look good… or even okay. It means there’s something amiss but you don’t want to are afraid to tell me. Or it means you didn’t even look at me. In most cases, probably the latter.

Are you okay?
I’m fine.

Fine does not mean fine here either. It means no. It means I’m upset, angry, frustrated, annoyed, or some other such non-fine emotion. And I bet it’s obvious from my tone. It is not appropriate to end a conversation here. “Okay, good,” is not an acceptable response.  Because… I am not fine!

It would help a lot if you could keep this in mind at all times. So…

Can you do that? Can you remember this?
No, I can’t.

By the way, when I say ‘you’ in this post, I don’t mean you. I imagine myself talking to someone else. I’m sure some of you can guess who…

• • • • •

©2018 what sandra thinks
This was posted for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (no editing allowed!) for which the prompt was fine.

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the cleanse.

Not my actual desk.

• • • • •

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I need to cleanse my life. Not talking about an internal thing (although I admit to being curious about that). I’m talking about my surroundings. Too much clutter around me makes the clutter inside me feel so much worse. I’ve been sorting through some of the outside clutter lately. Maybe that will eventually lead to sorting through the internal clutter… but I’m not there yet.

As I rummaged through old papers, cards, photos, and other random stuff, I’ve noticed a few things.

I save everything. Every. Thing. It’s ridiculous. I have drawings my kids did when they were so young that the pictures are just scribbles. I have receipts from things I bought over 10 years ago…. I have piles and piles of cards—some from my wedding (18 years ago)… some from my son’s birth (he’s 13)… my daughter’s birth (she’s 10)… Christmases as far back as 2003. I could go on… but I won’t. I don’t know why I feel the need to keep these things.

I also noticed that I clearly have a (probably unhealthy) attachment to my ex-boyfriend (the most significant one). I found silly little things he gave me… memorabilia from places we went… and pictures… lots of pictures. I think part of me is still in love with the guy. I kept all of it. But those cards from my wedding? I tossed those. Wonder what that means? I am so screwed up!

I’m too sentimental, probably. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier for me to get rid of certain things. More than once, I tossed something in the trash pile… and pulled it back out… and maybe I tossed it again… or maybe I kept it. It’s so silly. I have my memories… I don’t need any of the stuff. Yet I still can’t let it all go. But I did clear out a lot.

Of course, there are non-sentimental things, too.

Clearly, I have allowed myself to take ‘bonus’ items with me every time I’ve left a job. I have enough post-it notepads to last me the rest of my life. I have three staplers and five boxes of staples. I have rulers and scissors and binder clips (handy for papers and for closing that bag of chips). Enough file folders to organize my life probably forever. And the paperclips. Holy crap… the paperclips! I don’t know why I have so many but if I attach them all, I might make it to the moon. But of course, I kept them all. Maybe I’ll try to solve crimes with them. Like MacGyver.

Obviously, I have a problem letting things go. Physically and psychologically. It’s something I need to work on. I’ve done well lately purging stuff. But purging regrets and other assorted negative thoughts? I have a lot more trouble with that. I can’t toss those into a bucket and dump them out with the trash. But if I could, damn, that would really help declutter my mind.

• • • • •

Oh… by the way… if anyone needs any paper clips, post-it notes or other assorted office supplies, let me know…

• • • • •

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in life, personal, writing | Tagged , , , | 41 Comments