smile.

Remember to smile
when the camera
snaps that picture
of you with him

Remember to smile
when he wraps you
in his warm arms
and pulls you close

Remember to smile
for the camera
because you may
not know it yet
but this picture
will be
the last

 


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 18 Comments

on hold.

I’m on hold.

But before I get into that, I wanted to address something…

Yesterday I posted a poem that was a bit… devastating? I didn’t mean to scare anyone but I may have. The words are based in reality. Mine usually are. (Maybe not the fiction… okay, definitely not the fiction…) But I’m okay. The real story behind that poem is far less dramatic than the words imply. A few weeks ago, the last two lines came to me. I wrote them down because I forget everything… and last night, I wrote the rest. That’s pretty much it. Sorry if I freaked anyone out. And thank you for caring.

Back to being on hold…

School’s out in five weeks. We’re past the point where it makes any sense for me to get a job until September. (Not that I have any leads… sigh.) Anyway… with the cost of summer camp, it just doesn’t make sense right now. You must be thinking I should feel relieved… relaxed… happy, even. I don’t have to worry about this for a few months. But I don’t feel any of those things. I feel anxious… guilty… and kind of sad. Not in a crying-randomly-and-feeling-totally-hopeless kind of way. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have much hope that I’ll ever find what I need (logistically anyway) but I’m not a complete mess. I’m just not feeling like any weight has been lifted from my shoulders… and maybe I should feel that way, at least for the next few months.

I also need to contact the recruiter (the only one who has actually been trying to help me) to let her know about this pause. But I haven’t figured out how to explain without leaving her thinking I’m done or ungrateful. I don’t want her to write me off… but I don’t want to wait much longer to contact her because, you know, what if she sends me a prospective job? I’m going to have to say no… no matter what it is. So that’s bad.

I keep getting this sinking feeling. But other than introducing mind-altering substances to my body, I’m not sure how to let go of the anxiety… even if only until September (or late August).

How do I do that? How do I let go? I wish I had ‘extra‘ money so I could go to yoga or something. I just can’t seem to get myself to do it at home on my own. And I have no idea if it would help anyway…

dots

[In my head, I always go back and forth about posting this sort of thing. Why do I do that? I think maybe a part of me wants people to think I have my shit together… not that I’m a pathetic mess… even though in reality, I’m closer to the latter…]

dots
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged , , , | 26 Comments

song of the day. #26

song of the day | what sandra thinks

I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away from music for long… even after April

When I wrote my ‘guilty pleasures’ post for a-to-z music, I skipped a few songs I thought might qualify. This song is one of them.

Should I be embarrassed that I like this song?

That’s what I asked myself… and everyone else. Maybe it’s because I know who she has written songs for in the past. [I will refrain from listing them here… *that* would be embarrassing.]

My husband said I shouldn’t be embarrassed, but his opinion is irrelevant… (for a number of reasons… ha!) My daughter thought any embarrassment over this song was crazy. She loves the song. But, as a 9 year-old girl, she has questionable taste… ha! The boy said yes, liking this song is totally embarrassing… probably because he doesn’t like it… which really has nothing to do with whether or not I should be embarrassed for liking it.

All that… just to say… I’m a little addicted (no such thing as ‘a little’ addicted) to this song. I love the lyrics, the music… I can’t really explain… it just works and I love it… even though it may be totally out of character for me.

And it’s a girl singer!
[Is this a disclaimer? Maybe: 95% of all poppy girl singers sound the same to me (crappy)… but not this one… not this song, anyway. It remains to be seen if I’ll ever like anything else she does…]

swirly
I’m jealous, I’m overzealous

When I’m down, I get real down
When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just as fast

But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
No, you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

‘Cause I got issues
But you got ’em too
So give ’em all to me
And I’ll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
‘Cause we got the kind of love
It takes to solve ’em

Yeah, I got issues
And one of them is how bad I need you

[Not the full lyrics… more here]

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in music, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 26 Comments

devastation.

In devastation
I drown in tears of my own
and I realize
I’d rather hurt by your side
than smile when I’m alone.

 


©2017 what sandra thinks

(image source unknown)

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

unconditional.

I’m not looking
for a savior
only comfort
for my failures

just hold my hand
when I’m a mess
I’m only human
under distress

pure and simple
is your mission
just give me love
with no conditions

swash.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , , , | 26 Comments

lazy mom’s mother’s day cupcakes.

Convenient and thorough instructions… for when you have to make your own celebration.

1. Make short but detailed shopping list: strawberry cake mix, Pillsbury vanilla frosting (I don’t know why it’s the best tub of frosting… it just is). Don’t forget to check if you have eggs and oil.

2. Give lazy husband shopping list.

3. Write blog post, poetry or fiction while waiting for return of lazy husband. Continue reading

Posted in food, humor, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 28 Comments