not a photographer. #1

Taken today. FYI, this is not a black and white photo… can you even tell it’s color?

Also… it’s still snowing. I’m hoping for better pictures tomorrow…

©2017 what sandra thinks

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special. #poetry

He said I was special
for the way I smiled
and the words I spoke.
He said I was special
for the woman I was
and for the way
I made him feel.

But when he said
you were special
for your smile
and your words
and the way
you made him feel,
I knew
I was never special
at all.

 

swirl.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 34 Comments

laugh. #poetry

The way we laugh
when we’re together
cements my belief
that we belong.

 

swirl.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

the present dilemma.

I’ve gotten myself into a situation… and now I’m stuck. Yes, I am a genius.

The first Christmas after my grandma died, my family did a Yankee Swap where you had to get a gift that started with a letter in her name (first and last). It wasn’t too bad even though she has a few repeating letters… we were left with a, k, m, n, r. I made up a lovely basket of nuts, Kit-Kats and Kermit the Frog. It was a big hit. My mom ended up with it.

This Christmas is the first without my cousin Joey. It’s very sad… he was young… but the brain tumor wouldn’t quit. I can’t talk about it. So… anyway… I brilliantly suggested that we use his name… j – o – e – y… for the swap this year. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking because I have no idea what to buy.

The gift needs to be appropriate for a male or a female… and it needs to cost $20 – $30 (USD)… so nothing extravagant.

No jewelry… and we sort of try to stay away from kitchen stuff because that seems to be everyone’s fallback — we all have so much. But I do hate buying useless gifts that are essentially a waste of money. I know, not very Christmas-y… but it’s how my brain works. One year… I got a giant pack of paper towels and one of toilet paper. Practical, useful, and I didn’t have to buy my own for a while. Best swap gift ever!

But none of that starts with any of the right letters… so now… what the hell do I get?

Jump Rope? Oatmeal? Elephant? Yo-yo?

J. O. E. Y.

I need help! Anyone??


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in holidays, writing | Tagged , , , | 58 Comments

relocate. #poetry #haiku

broken heart. poison.

after all the pain
my love needs to relocate
from your heart to mine

 

divider dots. red.
©2017 what sandra thinks

 

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , , , | 25 Comments

I’ve got a secret. #3

I am in pain.

I have been in pain for so long that I can’t remember what it feels like to have no pain.

And I’m not talking about the emotional stuff. (Although this pain definitely brings me down… and I’m already low enough, thankyouverymuch.)

For years, I’ve had back pain. I never wanted to ‘admit’ to having it… not here, not to a doctor, not to myself. I’m not sure how to explain why… I guess the best way to describe it is that I’m embarrassed by it. And I know that doesn’t make any sense. But that’s how I’ve always felt. Like I can’t admit to this weakness or something…? I really don’t understand myself sometimes. Or most of the time.

There is nothing I don’t do because of the pain. I worked (though not at the moment)… I clean, cook, cart kids around, shop, visit family, sit, stand, walk, swim, sleep, have sex (not enough), play mini-golf (weather permitting), and anything else I need or want to do. Most people don’t know I’m in pain.

I’ve always assumed the pain was just something I had to live with. I never thought there was any hope of relief… and certainly no way it would ever disappear. This is why I never bothered mentioning it to my doctor. Well, that and I was afraid she would immediately give me all sorts of pain meds and send me off to have spinal surgery which scares the fuck out of me. One wrong move and I never walk again.

At my yearly physical this year, however, I finally told my doctor. I think the pain was getting so bad at times that I finally thought I should say something. And I was embarrassed… when she asked me how long I’ve had the pain. Forever. No, not really. I can’t remember exactly… but it definitely started before my son was born. He is almost 13.

My doctor didn’t send me to a surgeon as I feared. She didn’t try to fill me with pain meds either. She sent me for an x-ray. There is a curve that I never knew was there… and it’s the cause. She sent me to physical therapy.

I have now been to PT three times… every two weeks… so it’s been a month. I do every stretch and exercise she has given me every single day… just as I’m supposed to. But when I saw her today and she asked me how I was doing, I had to tell her the truth. No improvement. I’ve even had a couple of days when it felt worse.

She gave me a few more suggestions. Two of them were massage and acupuncture. I’d gladly do both if I could afford to… but that’s a lot of ‘extra’ cash I don’t have. She recommended getting a TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) unit (the word ‘unit’ always sounds dirty to me). I already have one… but in the last few months, I’ve only tried it once. I guess I should revisit.

She also told me that I can stop seeing her and go to a spine specialist for injections. That freaked me out. I’m not afraid of needles or anything like that. I think it’s that I feel completely defeated and broken for needing that. Like if I don’t do that, I’m not that bad… I must be okay.

But I’m not.

I couldn’t make a decision about anything today. I just sort of fell apart. (Also embarrassing.) I am such a disaster! So for now, I’m keeping my next appointment with her. I’ll do the stretches and try the TENS unit… and see how I am in two weeks.

It was probably the wrong decision as 90% of my decisions are. I already know how I’m going to be in two weeks. I’m going to be the same… and I’m going to end up going to the specialist for the injection anyway. I probably should have just made that decision when I was with her today. But I kind of panicked.

So that’s my secret… I’ve been in pain for probably 20 years.

• • • • •

[Disclaimer #1… Yes, I really did start at #3 as I mentioned last night]

[Disclaimer #2… I’m sure you were hoping for something juicy but not this time. Some of these ‘secrets’ will not be super exciting. But they will be things I’ve never shared here…]

[Disclaimer #3… I know this isn’t a secret to all of you… sorry T, L, M… you kind of got short-changed on the ‘secret’ part…]


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in secret, writing | Tagged , , , | 69 Comments

ideas.

I’ve been tossing a few ideas around in my head. It’s fucking crowded in there, so these may be terrible ideas. It’s hard to tell. I don’t know that any of said ideas will amount to anything. But… since I still feel like I’m not able to write like I used to, I’m trying to find ways to push things along. You know, ways to keep from disappearing before your eyes…

Since I killed Moody Monday, I wanted something new. Not necessarily weekly… I think these would be more like Song of the Day, which I post whenever I feel like it.

not a photographer.
I’m an amateur. I don’t think I take the best pictures. Once in a while I have a winner, but mostly, I wish every shot was better. I thought I might post a picture or two under this title. Maybe over time, I will improve. Oh… and please note that most, if not all, of my pictures are taken with my phone. I have a nice little digital camera, but it’s getting old and I’m not sure it takes better pictures than my current phone…

new designs.
This is kind of obnoxious, but I thought maybe I’d post new designs I create for my shops here. Of course I’d love to get more sales (who wouldn’t?) but I don’t know that this would help. Not really the point. I’d just like to share new designs that I’m proud of… just as I’d share photos or other artwork. Not sure about this idea, though… because it does feel a little too self-promote-y. I haven’t had any inspiration lately anyway so this idea might be useless…

I’ve got a secret.
I think this is my favorite new idea. In fact, if I do this, I will start with #3 because I’ve already shared two secrets… one over two years ago and one a couple of weeks ago. (Well, let’s face it… I’ve shared dozens of secrets… I just didn’t label them as such.) Anyway… I’m sure all the posts wouldn’t be huge earth-shattering secrets. In fact, they may be minor silly ones. But I’m pretty sure I’ll have plenty of material.

That’s all I’ve got at the moment. I wish I had something for Fiction Friday. I’d like to think it’s only a hiatus, but right now, it’s just not happening. I hate it because I know some of you probably only come here for that… and now it’s missing. I’ve got a couple of ideas but that’s all they are right now. So I guess it’s not totally hopeless.

dots.

So… maybe I have a few new things coming soon… or maybe I don’t. Or maybe I do.


©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in blogging, writing | Tagged , , | 39 Comments

invention. #poetry

I wonder sometimes
if you’re out there
if you’re real
or if I invented you
to convince myself
that I’m not alone

 

swirl.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 23 Comments