hose fail.

Every day I spend time trying to catch up on everyone’s blogs. I’m failing and I feel the need to apologize. I’m doing the best I can. I’m sorry. You’d think with my incredibly depressing boredom, keeping up would be easy. But it’s kind of not. As crazy as this sounds, my kids’ boredom takes up a lot of my time even though a lot of my time is still boredom. Got that? Yeah, me neither.

I got some money for my birthday. It’s supposed to be for me. Of course, I can’t bring myself to spend it on me. I can’t justify a pedicure no matter how much I want one. [No… I did it myself no matter how much it hurt my back… I did a good job, though.] I can barely justify having my hair done but that has always remained the one thing I do for myself. So I’m doing it.

What has happened with this money is practical crap… and, of course, stuff for the kids. And not quite ‘good stuff‘ either. Yesterday, I took them to a really cute, fancy (read: grossly overpriced) candy shop and let them each spend up to ten dollars. Yes. Ten dollars worth of candy. Although since overpriced, it really wasn’t that much. Far less than they bring home every Halloween. And they haven’t even eaten all of it yet. I do not feel like a particularly good or responsible parent for letting them do this whole candy thing. But it was raining and before we did that… well, it was boring as fuck.

Today was not rainy. Instead, it was about 90°F and really fucking sticky. It’s going to be like that for the next five days. So today, we threw water balloons at each other… and I attacked them with the hose. [Not as bad as it sounds… I let them get me, too.]

And that brings me to my hose problem. [Shut up.]

Why the hell is this thing marketed as a helpful product?

Granted, I am cheap so there’s that. But still. It should at least be kind of helpful, shouldn’t it? I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I didn’t expect it to be ridiculously difficult either. There’s a reason I sat in my Adirondack chair and sprayed the kids. I was exhausted from unrolling the hose from this thing (not to mention the back pain). I couldn’t even pull it out easily. [Shut up.] I thought at least unrolling wouldn’t be terrible. Wrong.

Fast forward to after excessive water usage. Time to roll this hose up. Nice convenient handle on the side… just reel it in. Um… no. I think I made about a quarter turn before I couldn’t move the fucking thing any further. Seriously… what the hell? It is nearly impossible to roll up the hose. After about ten minutes, during which I wound up maybe fifteen feet of hose, I stopped. Fuck it! Sorry, husband. You’re going to have to roll it up when you get home. Even though it’s still in the 80s and sticky as fuck.

At least my eight-function sprayer is awesome. Especially that ‘jet‘ setting.

 

• • •
[By the way… I don’t know if I’m ‘back’ to posting. Don’t get excited. You know, if you ever have gotten excited to read my posts… which is a ridiculous assumption on my part. Maybe I’ll have something to say after the weekend… we’re going to Mom’s… where there is a pool. A big one.]

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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Posted in blogging, life, parenting, writing | Tagged , , , , , , | 42 Comments

out of sight.

numb.

Out of mind?

I miss having friends. 

I miss being part of something. 

I miss writing.

I miss good moods and good days.

I miss ideas and inspiration.

I miss drive and purpose.

I miss being loved.

I miss when I mattered.

I miss being special… to anyone.

I miss hope.

I miss everything I wish I had.

I miss things I once had.

I miss things I’ll never have.

I feel more alone… more abandoned… than ever. Maybe I brought it on myself. Maybe no one cares because I don’t care. But that can’t be right. If I truly didn’t care, I wouldn’t be writing this. Probably.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in depression, life, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 54 Comments

disappearing act.

Wouldn’t it be great if after disappearing for almost a week, I came back and told you that life is good? That my mood has lifted… my kids are having loads of summer break fun and are getting along famously… opportunity has been knocking and money has been rolling in… and my back feels better?

Yeah! I agree… that would be great.

In reality, my mood is terrible… my kids are bored and fighting too much… there is no money to spend to alleviate that boredom… and my back feels worse than ever.

I have tried walking, cooking, cleaning, writing… and anything else I can think of… to occupy myself so I don’t get the horrible morning feelings. The complete and utter despair I feel *every* morning without fail. And the crying… so much crying. Nothing is working.

[Writing sure as fuck isn’t working. I can’t do that at all. But that’s only part of the reason I disappeared.]

I really thought I would feel better once the kids were out of school… not being alone as much. But it hasn’t helped. I still have to fight tears every day… and sometimes I fail… and the kids know I’m sad. Horrible.

Without enough to do, the kids are bored. Boredom makes me feel terrible, too, but combined with the kids’ boredom… it’s worse. Everything we think of either costs money, involves eating junk food, does not appeal to the kids [if it doesn’t appeal to me, I say yes and do it anyway because I want the kids to be happy…], or some combination thereof. And they haven’t even been out of school for a full week yet.

I never stopped the physical therapy exercises for my back that I started last fall. I also go for walks whenever I can—something else that has been recommended to me repeatedly for my back pain. None of this helps. In fact, the pain is worse. [And there’s no current treatment plan since nothing has worked.] I guess it may have been a bad idea to throw a frisbee around and play basketball with the kids. But I’m not going to miss out on doing things with them because I’m in pain. Even if it makes it worse.

• • •

I have no idea if I am going to disappear again. The fact is that I have nothing good to say… nothing to write about… nothing… just nothing. And I can’t seem to make up stuff either. I may never have anything worthwhile to say again. I have no idea. It’s been bothering me a lot…

I’ve tried to keep reading even though I can’t write anymore… but I’m having trouble with that, too. I feel out of place. I feel like I don’t fit in… like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m not a part of things like I used to be.

I miss you guys.

 

♥sandra
©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in anxiety, depression, family, life, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 50 Comments

when. #poetry

When I don’t know what to say
I hope you remember
those times when I did
When I had all the right words
and I could make you smile
even when you cried
When nothing more than a hug
took all the pain away
When nothing would ever
be wrong again
simply because
of love

 


Today, this poem is for my daughter… but on another day, it might be for someone else. I was torn as to whether or not I should include the photo above because I prefer to allow the reader his/her own interpretation… not mine… not necessarily mother and daughter.

• • • • •
©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , , , | 26 Comments

a friend. #poetry

when I needed a friend
you stood beside me
and held my hand
when I fell to the ground
you lifted me up
and dusted me off
when I cried hopeless tears
you wiped them away
and smiled for me
when I needed a friend
you magically appeared
and changed everything

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

need some home improvements?

I’ve been walking a lot lately. The fresh air is good for me. And sometimes I see interesting things. One day, a funeral at the church a street over… one day, a really laughable sofa abandoned by the sidewalk waiting for a new home (which I believe should be in hell).

But yesterday, it was something else. I was just innocently walking around my neighborhood when I saw this van…

How could I not take a picture?

Sonny Dong: All Types Of Wood

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in humor, writing | Tagged , , , , | 36 Comments

reverse schadenfreude.

schadenfreude

That seems cruel. Am I a horrible human being? Maybe. But I cannot be the only one who feels this way sometimes. If I was the only one, there wouldn’t be a word for it. Maybe everyone else who feels it is German.

It’s been a really long time since something great (or even good) has happened to help my current situation. I am not saying that there is nothing good in my life. My friends, my family. There are things. That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about the things in my life that desperately need fixing (or at least improving). The back pain, the financial situation, the job search, and anything else I try to do or accomplish. The things where I can never catch a break. Those things. The things that always go wrong instead of right. The things that get worse instead of better. The things where the news is always bad never good. The things that remind me every day that I am jinxed.

I’m sure that is why I feel that twinge of happiness when something goes wrong for someone else (for a change)… not just me. Maybe I am a horrible human being.

on the flip side…
Because things constantly go wrong for me, I envy people for whom things go well. It physically affects me. Heart pounding, tears falling. Especially people for whom things go well all the damn time… no matter what they do… whether they try or not… whether they make mistakes or not. Things just work out. Everything just falls into place. That has never been me. I wonder what it’s like to be someone like that. I am so envious. Painfully so.

But that’s not schadenfreude (maybe that was just my jumping off point for this post). What I feel is not so much pleasure at someone else’s pain. It’s more the reverse… pain at someone else’s pleasure. The closest [German] term for that is gluckschmerz… defined as feeling unhappy about the good fortune of others. But most people have never heard this word. The closest English translation is envy… but that doesn’t quite grasp the pain and sadness.

I know I’m not ‘supposed to‘ feel this way. But if I’m honest, and I always am (maybe to a fault), I feel this way quite a lot. Daily. It’s no one’s fault (except maybe mine). It’s not like I sit around wishing for things to go wrong for others. But fuck, it hurts when I’m surrounded by others’ successes… by everyone else’s good news… when mine is always bad. It is painful in every way.

It’s so bad that even others’ optimism can upset me. They have positive thoughts… they have drive and motivation… they have a purpose. Why can’t I feel that way? Why can’t I have any of that? My life is shit by comparison. I know I shouldn’t compare, but really… how can I not?

[Aside: Someone is going to tell me to make good things happen for myself. Please don’t bother. You might as well tell me to make my own happiness (that’s not a thing) or make my own luck (neither is this). I’ve said this easily a billion times: If it were that simple, I would have done it by now. I’m not a fucking moron. Some shit is just beyond my control.]

I don’t know how to stop these feelings of schadenfreude and gluckschmerz. Maybe I can’t. All I know is…

… this leaves me with weltschmerz*.


*weltschmerz: a feeling of sentimental sadness or pessimism; the weariness that comes with knowing that the world is going to let you down no matter what and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks
(but I did not draw that picture of the girl under the cloud… I could not find the source)

         

Posted in life, writing | Tagged , , , , , | 47 Comments

happiness.

happiness. [1]

I want it so much it hurts.

It’s not something I can create.

Everyone doesn’t get to have it.

It’s there or it’s not there.

For me… it’s not.

happiness. [2]

It’s out of my reach.

Sometimes I get a shred of it… then it’s taken away.

The world is out of balance if I feel good.

Course correction brings it back to bad.

I fight but I fail.

I’m too tired and disheartened to bother anymore.

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Posted in life, writing | Tagged , , , | 35 Comments