moody monday. #9

moody monday.

Warning… this is going to be a bunch of random boring junk.

Everybody was home today. No work. No school. It was good for me, I think, because being alone hasn’t been great for me lately. But because I’m still concerned about the kids and annoyed with the husband, today wasn’t fabulous. Also, yesterday, I hurt my back (doing nothing, really… it just happens sometimes… ever since I had kids…) so I’ve been in pain. I feel broken.

I’m tired, too. My ‘regular’ bedtime seems to be about 2am. And I’ve been waking up between 7 and 7:30am. It’s not enough sleep. This afternoon, I took a nap. I hardly ever do that but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I really do need to start going to bed earlier but I can’t seem to do it. My body wants it but my head fights it. I have no explanation for that.

I haven’t been dreaming lately. Not while I’m asleep, anyway. Am I ever going to dream again? Am I that empty inside? Maybe I’m dead inside. It kind of feels that way.

I still can’t write. This terrible post (and all the other recent terrible posts) don’t count. I have nothing inside me. It’s not just fiction or poetry that seems to be missing. It’s everything. I have nothing to say. And I do not want to hear people saying that they have a backlog of post ideas. So much to say that they just can’t even keep up… ugh. I feel like they’re taunting me. Are they just rubbing it in? Fuck them. I know… I’m a bitch. I’m sure they’re not rubbing it in on purpose… but it sure feels that way. And I want to vomit when people say shit like that. I know it’s not meant to piss me off… but it still does.

I want to know when the hell I’m going to be able to write again. When am I going to have anything inside me? When am I going to lose this horrible, torturous emptiness? It makes me cry. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

Tomorrow is my anniversary. I don’t care. It will be like any other day… or it will be worse. It’s not that I expect anything and fear disappointment if my husband does nothing. No. It’s that I don’t want anything. I want it to be just like any other day. I honestly just don’t care at all.

[Here is where I wrote more about that but it was depressing as fuck so I deleted it. Let’s just say I know I’m never going to have the life I always wanted… and it’s my own fault… and…]

I’m glad I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. That’ll make it a special day.

Final assessment: bored, tired, unsatisfied, disgusted with myself, lonely


©2017 what sandra thinks

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song of the day. #45 | song lyric sunday.

song of the day | what sandra thinks


Yesterday on the way home from buying glue so my daughter could make homemade slime, I heard a song that I haven’t heard in a while. I’ve always loved it… and I knew it would be my next song of the day. And then I saw the theme for this week’s ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘… traveling.

It actually works. Kind of.

This is a song about a failed relationship… and about running away… escaping… and starting over where no one knows you. It’s a thought that appeals to me… a lot. Only I wouldn’t go to Boston… that wouldn’t work for me (obviously… if you know that about me). I’d go somewhere else. Like Hawaii. Or Paris. But I’d also want to be about 25. That would be a good start-over age. But time travel is not a thing… so… that’s a problem.

swirly
Boston / Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must’ve crossed
You said

You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah
She said
You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They’re not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
She said

You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah
She said
You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah

She said I think I’ll go to Boston
I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name
I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather
I think I’ll get a lover and fly him out to Spain
Oh yeah and I think I’ll go to Boston
I think that I’m just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset
I hear it’s nice in the summer, some snow would be nice
Oh yeah

You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah
She said
You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah

Boston
Where no one knows my name yeah
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Boston
No one knows my name

Written by Josiah Rosen, Justin South, Jared Palomer & Dan Layus

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
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safe. #socs #parenting

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)

This week, the prompt is ‘save/safe‘…

divider dots.

I know I can be overprotective. Maybe it’s not even just that I can be. Maybe I just am. I worry way too much. (And I know I’ll always worry about my kids no matter how old they are.) But I don’t know if I make the right decisions. Am I justified? Overprotective? Mean? Or am I just keeping them safe?

Yesterday, my daughter (who is 9) was invited to go to an amusement park sort of place for some Halloween fest thing with a friend and her parents. This would be at night. You know, after dark, of course, because of the Halloween thing. And it’s about 45 minutes away.

My husband said no. And I don’t feel good about her going either. Hell, neither of us would feel good about my son going either and he’s 12. But are we being overprotective? Are we being unreasonable?

I feel bad because I’m sure other parents would just let their kid go. I don’t want my kid(s) to be known (or picked on) for not being able to do stuff because their parents are overprotective. Apparently, this is something my son has already been teased about. I’m also concerned that my daughter’s friend will just ask someone else and they’ll go and have lots of fun and my daughter will feel left out… because of her overprotective parents. And then kids will talk… and no one will ever invite her to do anything again because they’ll remember this… they’ll remember how her parents said no.

I want my kids to be ‘normal‘… I want them to be able to do what other kids do. I already feel bad about things we haven’t been able to do… I already feel like my kids miss out. So I want to say yes to things like this. But it concerns me. I worry about her safety. I met the dad once. I’ve talked to the mom a few times but as I suck at making friends, I don’t know her well. But if I only let my kids hang out with kids whose parents I know well, they’d have no friends at all.

• • • • •

My son is a straight A student. He always has been. He rarely even gets an A-. However, this year (and school only started 5 weeks ago), he has gotten a couple of really bad grades in what used to be his best subject. I’ve asked him what’s going on… Did he know the material? (He says yes.) Was he distracted? (He says no.) Is something else entirely bothering him? (He says no.)

So what then? I don’t know. He’s already told me that he’s going to be devastated if he doesn’t make High Honors (it would be the first time ever not making it). But I don’t think he can save his grade. Not enough to get the A. His most recent grade, from a quiz he said was “the easiest thing ever” was significantly better but still a good bit lower than is normal for him… especially considering that he thought it was so easy.

I don’t think there’s something else going on that he’s not telling us because this is the only class where his grade is significantly lower than usual. But I’m sad for him because he’s sad. I want to fix it for him, but obviously, I can’t. I have a theory about this… why it’s happening. Last year, he had one teacher he kind of hated. He did slightly worse in that class than all the others (still an A, though). This year, the class of the bad grades is also the one with the teacher he kind of hates. Obviously, there’s a connection. But it’s much worse now.

• • • • •

It feels like failure… on my part. I don’t know how protective or not protective to be… maybe I’m just always overprotective. And I don’t know how to help my son. I just want them to be happy. And safe. But I feel pretty useless. And it all makes me sad.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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wasting time.

It’s sad. I know it is. But I find myself wasting time.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to do. It’s quite the opposite. I have tons to do.

I could list those things (I, in fact, have a list… it sits there on the fridge). So I don’t need suggestions. That’s not the point.  This is about wasting time. Lately, intentionally.

I keep posting about how empty I feel… and the other part of that is… how bored I am. Nothing sounds appealing to me. Everything sounds incredibly boring. I am only less bored when I’m with the kids (and occasionally my husband but… eh). But even when others are home, I’m still bored. I think it’s in my head… not necessarily about what’s around me.

I do need time away from the kids. But lately, from the time I return home from dropping them off at school until it’s time to pick them up, I’m waiting for time to pass… but I’m not really doing anything worthwhile. I’m wasting time… on purpose. I don’t know why I can’t get myself to do something relevant and valuable with that time.

Maybe the graphic design stuff I’ve been doing for my shops is worthwhile. But it’s probably not. I don’t know how to get customers. There are so fucking many shops out there selling stuff similar enough to mine that the chances someone will find me and buy from me are so slim it’s (almost) pointless.

So I stare at a screen (phone, laptop, television… pick one… or more) and try to find ways to waste the hours until pick-up time. I know it’s awful… most people would give anything for a few hours to themselves every day. And I used to love it. I always had something to do… something I wanted to do… something I was thrilled I had time for. And hell, I still always have something to do. But… I guess I used to be more motivated.

I have an explanation… two, actually. When I’m alone, I think about all that’s wrong in my life. And there’s a lot. I can’t stop and it slowly, painfully kills me. I know… blah blah you can change anything… blah blah you can do anything you want… blah blah fuck off (no offense). Those ‘change‘ clichés are lies. Total fucking BS. What I want to change… what I want to do… I’m not really sure what those things are. But anything I can think of requires things I don’t have… money, ambition, my youth. So no matter how hard I try, I can’t change anything because it requires changing something in the past which, obviously, is impossible. It’s too late for anything I do to matter. I know… blah blah no it’s not… blah blah fuck off (no offense). Even if it isn’t too late, which it is, I feel that it is so it is. For me. Yeah yeah… I know.

The other explanation is just… me. I don’t enjoy being alone unless I’m truly immersed in something… because if I’m not, I’m just sitting there with only me… with no distraction from me… and I hate me.

But… (I know, I’m going in circles, at which I seem to excel)… I am not truly immersed in anything lately. So I’m stuck with me.

Writing is missing. Yeah, I’m writing this. But I have no fiction projects going right now. Not really. I think that’s leaving a gaping hole in me. Of course, I often feel like my fiction writing is also pointless. Poetry… every once in a while, I’ve got something but not much. There’s an empty space where writing used to be. I hate it.

And I already mentioned the design… where I occasionally lose myself… but I’m starting to feel less inspired… and I’m starting to feel like it’s pointless anyway… see above.

In short (too late), I’m just wasting time… and it’s sad… but it keeps happening. Oh hell, this whole post has been a way for me to waste time. (Mine and yours… apologies…) And I’m relieved that it’s Friday… and that it’s a long weekend (here in the US… Columbus Day is Monday) because I won’t be alone again until Tuesday. When I have a dentist appointment. Oh, and it’s my wedding anniversary… eh. (No, I will not use ‘meh’ because I hate that…. and because when I make the ‘I don’t care’ sound, it’s ‘eh’. So there.)

Time to pick up the kids.

 

dots
©2017 what sandra thinks

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or so I thought… #poetry

when the moon
didn’t glow
and the stars
didn’t shine
I looked for a light
and I found it
or so I thought

it was you
finally there
to brighten the night
and light up
the moon and the stars
and my world
or so I thought

I was blind
desperate for love
lonely and scared
and you arrived
at the right time
in the right place
or so I thought

the truth is
I was in love
with the idea of you
with something
I wanted you to be
I fooled myself
or so I thought…


©2017 what sandra thinks

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a bunch of random stuff.

[I’m not sure about that comma. Does it really belong there?

I’m still empty. And I’m not sure what to think… I’ve never felt quite like this. I always have something to say. But lately, it’s hard for me to post… to email… to talk… to communicate… because I feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing that matters, anyway. My life is boring. And now I’m going to tell you about it. Parts of it. But yeah… it’s boring.

The shops.
I have been trying to get my Etsy shop open but I feel anxious and I’ve been having a little trouble. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I hate that feeling. How the fuck do you write a description for a freaking birthday card? How do you give it a title? It’s a card. It has birthday candles on it. That’s pretty much it.

My other shop (on RedBubble) is open… it’s just sitting there. I don’t know how to promote it so I doubt I will get much business… beyond a few friends who probably just feel sorry for me. (Not that I don’t think you’re wonderful people… I am so thankful… ♥) I guess I should link it since I’m talking about it anyway… but it’s in the sidebar… but if you read in the Reader (I hate that fucking thing… makes my blog’s design pointless), you don’t even see that. I’m so glad I spend (waste) time making my blog look good.

More ‘work’-related stuff.
My husband’s HR manager volunteered to look at my resumé. She gave me some great notes and I worked on making those changes. I do have an issue, though. I called myself a ‘freelancer’ during the gaps where I was laid off and had no luck finding a job so I was out of work for a while. And that is fine and not totally a lie. However, she says I really need to list specific projects.

Mostly, I did favors for people (not that anyone needs to know that my work was mostly unpaid). I don’t know how to list ‘specific projects‘ of that nature. How do I make party invitations, various types of cards, and a few instances of designing graphics for the internet sound professional? I haven’t a clue. And how specific do I need to be? Do I need to say for whom I did the work? That seems a bit much. So… I’m stuck.

Once I get that updated, I want to reload it to all the job sites I’m using (and failing with). But I still have the full-time/part-time situation. With my previous experience… in my nondescript field, part-time is hard to find… but that’s really what I need. (FYI, before you say it, no I can’t take a job in retail or some other such hell because the on/off back pain I’ve had since childbirth prevents me from being on my feet for long periods of time. And I’m not going to physically torture myself for minimum wage or, you know, for any wage.)

My daughter’s ‘friend’ situation.
(I’m going to make this as brief as possible because I’m sure you’re sick of reading about it…)

After my husband contacted the school, the principal spoke to both girls separately. And he called the other girl’s parents. However, that morning before either of them met with Mr. M, A (the ‘friend’) handed my daughter multiple notes apologizing… saying she didn’t mean any of it… saying that she was mad about something (no idea what) but she wanted to be friends again. Then the Mr. M meetings happened, but still, she wanted to be friends again.

When we heard from Mr. M and he said ‘they are friends now’, we were baffled. After school, my daughter filled in the blanks. But she is smart… and nice… so she says she will be friends with this girl but she’s not going to forget all those things she said and they’ll never be best friends again.

• • •

So… this was a rambling mess. I really wish I could write a decent post. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… it seems all I talk about is having nothing to talk about. And just stupid life stuff. I’m sick of myself. But I guess I still crave people to talk to… so you get this. Sorry…

 


©2017 what sandra thinks

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moody monday. #8

moody monday.

I had the news on all morning… so that sucked… and sucks… and continues to suck. Horrible. I don’t even know what to say so I’m going to leave it at that.

My daughter’s ‘friend’ has apparently really fucking lost it. Today was the first day back at school since the incidents of Friday night that I wrote about here. My daughter had as little interaction with A. (the girl) as possible at school. But among other little things, at the end of the day while waiting outside to be picked up, A. walked up to her and told her that she is a “self-centered brat.”

We still don’t know why any of this happened. But… within minutes of arriving home from school… the texts started again. More of the ‘self-centered brat’ stuff… more hate… more everything. Even a threat… ‘if we run into each other outside of school you know what’s coming.’ Seriously… from a 9 year-old girl. My husband is pissed. He wants the school to be aware… and he’s going to contact them.

In all of this, something happened that really got to me (in a good way). As much as he and my daughter fight, my son was all about trying his karate moves on this girl. He wanted to kick the crap out of her. For his sister. He was totally sticking up for her. I have never seen him like that… so protective. It gives me hope… and I’ll have to remember this the next time they start fighting and acting like they hate each other.

• • •

Oh… I think I finally have a name for my Etsy shop… yay! It’s not one I ever mentioned… it just came to me yesterday… and I think it’s right. I am not going to tell you what it is because I’m a bitch. I will ‘announce’ it when the shop is open for business.

• • •

Final assessment: I’m angry with how my daughter is being treated by that girl… but I’m proud of how she is handling it and I’m proud of my son for sticking up for her… for being so supportive. And I’m glad I came up with a shop name… but I’m nervous about actually opening the shop. 

And I’m glad it’s still Monday for 10 more minutes so this post isn’t ‘late’… 


©2017 what sandra thinks

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song of the day. #44

song of the day | what sandra thinks


I’m sort of bailing on ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘ this week. This week’s theme is self-love. My music collection (and my taste in music in general) is often on the darker side. I could spend a few hours trying to find something that fits, but I’m not going to do that. I’m just going to post a song that’s been in my head lately. I never really intended to turn my ‘song of the day‘ thing into something else anyway… but combining it with this challenge works, too… sometimes…

dots.

This is a song about fucking up a relationship… something I’m familiar with.

swirly
First / Cold War Kids

Cheated and lied, broken so bad
You made a vow, never get mad
You play the game, though it’s unfair
They’re all the same, who can compare?
First you lose trust, then you get worried
Night after night, bar after club
Dropping like flies, who woke you up?
On the front lawn, sprinklers turn on
It’s not your house, where’d you go wrong?
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry

Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry

There comes a time, in a short life
Turn it around, get a re-write
Call it a dark night of the soul
Ticking of clocks, gravity’s pull
First you get close, then you get worried

Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry

You’re going silent, the silent treatment
It’s not inviting now
Don’t deny what you meant
You get excited, you get excited
You got a feeling, or at least you can pretend
You wanna light it, you wanna light it
You wanna light it now, the candle from both ends
You get excited, you get excited

Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first
Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?
I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first


Written by Cold War Kids

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
Posted in music, writing | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments