I was just thinking | e/embarrassing #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


I hide things. Not in a literal sense. Well, I guess there are a couple of things I hide in a literal sense… my chocolate stash, my adult toy. But the non-literal hidden things—they are mostly embarrassing as hell. I’m ashamed, in some cases more deeply than others.

Embarrassing things about me.
[The list will be short as I don’t think I can humiliate myself quite that much all in one shot.]

1. I am addicted to a certain app. I can’t stop. I’ve even paid to get rid of the ads, which, in this app, only takes them away for a month. If I continue down this road of addiction, I’m going to keep paying monthly which I really should not do. But I can’t help myself. It has already been three months. I’m too embarrassed to even share the name of the app. Let’s just say its target audience is not in my age bracket. Yet here we are.

2. I love this one pop artist. I’m too embarrassed to even mention his name. Liking him goes against everything I believe in where music is concerned. Well, maybe not everything. He’s undeniably talented, in my opinion. But I’m too old for him. Again with the age thing.

3. I have totally inappropriate celebrity crushes. I don’t mean Chris Hemsworth. He’s totally appropriate. My fantasies about him aren’t, but that’s another post. Not talking about Alex O’Loughlin either. Again, he’s appropriate, my fantasies are not. Anyway [I’m totally distracted now]… I’m talking about younger guys. I guess in my head, I’m still twenty-ish so my impure thoughts seem okay. But if I dwell on numbers, I feel like a creep. And kind of dirty. But… don’t worry… they’re all legal. I’m not a sicko.

Moving on…

4. Hm… thinking back to #2… and maybe blaming my daughter [at least a little] for this, I like a few pop artists. Or maybe pop songs is a better way to put it because I definitely cannot commit to 99% of these artists. [In some cases, I use the term ‘artist’ loosely.] Having been a music snob [or at least my definition of one] for most of my life [that is to say, ‘pop music sucks’], I find this incredibly embarrassing. I still find a ton of popular music to be total crap. It’s so bad it makes me cry. But some music I’ve come to enjoy is really really embarrassing. Sometimes, I won’t even leave it on the car radio if someone else is with me because no one can know. But if I’m alone, all bets are off. Fuck. What has happened to me?

I’m stopping now.

 

p.s.— No guessing! I’m not going to tell you the name of the app or the pop star or the celebrity crushes or any of the other music I’ve been secretly enjoying… so don’t even guess. My lips are sealed. Except to input the hidden chocolate.

©2019 what sandra thinks

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I was just thinking | d/daughter #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


When I was a kid, I didn’t always stand up for myself. [I still often don’t.] I’d let things slide. I’d go along with things I didn’t want. I figured no one would like me if I spoke up.

My daughter, though, won’t stand for anyone’s shit. [Much to my chagrin, not even mine.] She is a bit defiant and rarely afraid to speak her mind. Don’t get me wrong—she doesn’t share her every thought. That would be inappropriate. But she doesn’t let people get away with being nasty. She doesn’t just give in like I would have at her age [and even now]. She doesn’t say yes to everything like I would to avoid feeling singled out or left out. When someone is mean to her, she stands up for herself.

And…

She has confidence. Oh, she has her moments of self-deprecation and unhappiness. But I notice every single day, even when she’s full-on arguing with me, that she believes in herself.

And…

She loves to give people things. At every possible occasion, and sometimes for no reason at all, she wants to give gifts—bought or made. One time, she even handed me a few dollars and said, “Here Mom. Why don’t you go out and get coffee?” Just randomly… for no reason at all. I try to teach her to save her money. But she is so kind and generous… I don’t want to discourage that.

And…

She is outgoing. I admire this trait enormously because I am the opposite. I wish I was like her.

And…

She is tutoring a little kindergarten boy who’s not native to the US. He has trouble pronouncing some words, and she works with him a couple of times a week. She’s only 11 years old…

I’m so proud.

 

p.s.—  If I wasn’t so paranoid about putting my kids out there online, I’d post a picture of my little beauty. But you’ll just have to imagine. She looks just like me. Not that [most of] you have seen me…

©2019 what sandra thinks

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I was just thinking | c/coffee #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


Coffee.

 

p.s.—  I warned you about this. Some of these will be short, I said. Did you listen? I hope so or you get detention.  

©2019 what sandra thinks

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I was just thinking | b/bread #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


If I had a nemesis, it would be bread.

I’m just like Oprah.

Except for, well, everything except the bread thing.

 

p.s.— I really want a hot, long, delicious… loaf of french bread. What were you thinking? Pervs.  

©2019 what sandra thinks

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I was just thinking | a/alone #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


When I’m with people, I often feel suffocated or even annoyed and I want to be left alone. When I’m alone, I feel lonely, sad, unmotivated, and a bit hopeless and I wish there were people around. I think maybe what I want is to have people near, but still have alone time. Or to be alone but know people are out there thinking of me. Or I don’t know what the fuck I want. Probably that last one.

Seriously. How can I make myself happy? My brain is a clusterfuck of contradictions.

 

p.s.— I am currently alone. Sigh.

©2019 what sandra thinks

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a to z challenge theme reveal #atozchallenge

It’s time [well, it’s past time… I’m late… there’s a shocker] for me to reveal my theme for a challenge I’ve completed every April since 2016. The A to Z Challenge. I have huge reservations about participating this year… but I signed up anyway.

I still can’t figure out why I’ve had so much trouble being here lately. I want to ‘talk‘ to you all but I struggle to ‘enter the room‘, so to speak. I think I’m kind of embarrassed and ashamed that I’m such a mess. I’ve been working on myself for so long yet here we are. I’m a failure.

But… I will attempt to do this challenge… which, hopefully, won’t be another failure. But if it is, I deserve it this time since I’m setting myself up.

I was just thinking…

This is no surprise if you read my post from last week. It’s kind of a non-theme. Unless you consider me dumping my thoughts a theme.

My original plan was to have short posts… a sentence or two. But I am not holding myself to that. Some posts may be longer. Some may be something other than words. Some may be something I haven’t thought of yet. I guess you’ll have to wait and see. As will I.

p.s.— For the record, I hate the tone of this whole post but I’ve rewritten it at least five times and I give up!

©2019 what sandra thinks

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oh honey. #poetry

Oh. My. God. I wrote a fucking poem!

I haven’t written a poem since October of last year. But I wrote one. I know, right? I can’t believe it myself.

do you remember
how perfect we were?
the first time you touched me
oh honey, I was sure

we had everything
it happened so fast
our love came easily
oh honey, you were my last

but maybe for you
the memories died
or only the bad endured
oh honey, I hurt inside

too good to be true
that tore us apart
of course I cried for you
oh honey, you broke my heart

•••

©2019 what sandra thinks

         

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I was just thinking.

[This is not me. Just FYI.]


I really need everyone to stay the fuck out of the kitchen while I’m making dinner.

I wonder if I should try to come up with one sentence, not unlike the one above, for every letter of the alphabet. And there’s my A-to-Z theme.

But seriously. What would I even call that theme? “I’m a total bitch!”? “Don’t test me!”? Or just use the title of this post? “I was just thinking…”? Hmm… I may be on to something.

I did come up with a few [other] ideas. It’s a miracle, really. I’ve begged for suggestions… here… on twitter… but nothing speaks to me. And if I’m going to do 26 posts in a month, the idea needs to speak to me.

I will, however, let you know if anything literally speaks to me. Like, voices of unknown origin. Because that would be totally fucked up.

 

©2019 what sandra thinks

         

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