what sandra thinks

I have a fear of failure. That’s no surprise. But I also have a fear of success. And that’s messed up.

These fears… both of them… are spitting all over my life.

Finding a job…
I’m afraid I’ll never find one that’s even close to what I need: Something that makes financial sense if it’s not flexible enough to allow me to be here for my kids. Or something that is flexible enough but not so far down the ladder that I feel degraded. A decent location so I’m closer for kids’ activities if I don’t have to make them quit because I’m not available at all. And, you know, something where I won’t have to make them quit. Ooh, and something I might even like a little. Maybe those things don’t sound ‘necessary’ to you, but for me… they’re kind of deal-breakers.

But I’m also afraid I will find a job. And then… I have to go there. And have a job. I realize this is totally stupid, but I was laid off a while back and I’ve been out of work for quite some time. Change scares the hell out of me. Right now, having a job would be a huge change. Of course, having no money is pretty bad, too.

So… fear of not finding what I’m looking for scares me… and fear of finding what I’m looking for scares me, too. And both make it a huge struggle for me to take action at all. Sucks.

Earning something through this blog…
I hate ads – obnoxious flashy blinky crap… pop-ups all over the place. No. I bail on blogs like that. I don’t want to be one. I could sell something. Confession: I have things for sale… right now… online… I’ve just been afraid to mention it because I worry it’ll come across as obnoxious. I have thought of asking for donations to help support the blog. But that seems even more obnoxious… and pathetic. I have an Amazon affiliate account but I’ve never posted a link because, again, obnoxious. Apparently, anything a salesperson does feels obnoxious to me.

But why can’t I even try? Why am I afraid it might work? Something might work? And if it does, why the hell didn’t I do something a long time ago? I feel like I have this fear of succeeding. I know… that doesn’t even make sense! If I succeed with any of this, will it be enough to drop the job search? Doubtful. So I’ll have to get a job. Then… will I have time to continue? Will I be able to keep up? Will I have my shit together? Have the drive to continue? What if I can’t do it? I know… what if I can? Thinking that way is going to take some serious brain-training… which hasn’t taken yet.

Even if I think I have some cool things for sale (or maybe they suck)… Even if I have great ideas (I think)… Even if I’ve collected lots of tips and info — I’m still afraid to try. I always think I’m not good enough. And I get crazy-anxious. Why???

Publishing (in any way)…
I’m not big on rejection. (I know… who is?) Because of that, I don’t know that pursuing an agent and/or a traditional publisher is for me. And I fear that self-publishing will end in no or very few sales so it will be a lot of effort and investment for nothing (and it would likely nix traditional publishing forever which I don’t have the stamina to pursue anyway so why does that matter?). Again… I’m afraid I’m not good enough. And I’m afraid I’m incapable of all that’s involved in making it happen anyway. (See above… I am no salesperson.)

But I’m also afraid to get too close… to succeed. Which is so stupid. What’s scary about that? I don’t even know how to explain this. If I have success with one piece of work, then I’ll need more to sell. Will I be able to come up with anything? Will it be any good? Can I sustain such a thing? Will all of my effort be for nothing? Will I even able to do what needs to be done to get there in the first place?

This is why I have such heightened anxiety when I even think about doing anything related to publishing. I start thinking it’s what I’m supposed to do… what I should do. So not doing it is bad, but it feels impossible, so doing it is bad. Such a mess.

I worry way too much. I know, I’m a fucking genius! This is not new information. It’s the curse of being an overthinker (one of them, anyway). If I could just stop at the idea and do it, I’d be good. But no… I think about everything until I’ve made myself so anxious and scared that I’m paralyzed. Self-sabotage. It’s not conscious. Even though I know I do it… I don’t realize it’s happening when it’s happening.

I know the answer. A slogan so overused it’s a cliché.

Just do it.

Ahh… you have no idea how much I wish it was that simple. For me.

©2017 what sandra thinks