It’s not great. Feel free to stop here if you don’t want to continue. I’ll understand.
But I guess it’s not awful either.
I was going to skip this post today because my mood mostly sucks. But that seems kind of silly. Skip posting when I’m in a crap mood but post when I feel okay?
Oh, by the way, did I mention that I’m just writing this… live… off the top of my head… with no plan whatsoever? I might use a lot of bad words. (Might… hahaha) I might not even proofread it. You can expect it to be a complete mess. Just like me.
The kids go back to school a week from tomorrow. I admit, at times, they have been driving me mad but I don’t really want them to go. I do love my alone time. I always have. But right now, I’m afraid of it.
Whenever I have a few alone moments, I overthink things… I make myself stressed and upset. Once they’re back in school, I’m going to be alone a lot more. And because I am me, I’m already worrying about it and it hasn’t even fucking happened yet.
Alone should be good for me… I’ll have time to do a few projects around the house. I’ll have time to take a peaceful walk alone. I’ll have time to write. But… I’m having trouble getting motivated for the home projects or the walks even though I always feel better afterwards. And I feel guilty when I just sit there and write. Oh hell, I feel guilty when I do anything except… work on my job search… because as I’ve discussed a million times, I need a fucking job.
[I’m not going to go into all sorts of detail about the job thing because I’ve done so many times before and even if you’re a newer follower/reader, you don’t want to hear about that fucking nightmare. I’ll just summarize briefly (always a challenge for me). Too many stipulations need to be met for me to take a job if I even find one… money, flexibility, location, more…]
I am not lucky. Unless you count bad luck. And no, I cannot ‘make my own luck’. [See ‘couple things’, thing two.] I know some people for whom things just work out. All the time. I am not one of those people. I guess I just don’t deserve good things. Oh… I have a picture for this…
For the last few days, it seems that if I’m not dwelling on my past regrets, I’m anxious and hopeless about my future yet unable to take action in the present.
And then there’s the comparison problem. I wrote a whole post about this but never posted it. (It seems I have a lot of those… wrote, never posted.) Yesterday, the kids and I went swimming at mom’s and my very successful sister was there. I love her and we are close. I wrote about her, too… but I posted that one. I always feel like a HUGE failure around her. Because, let’s face it, I am. So that sucks.
As today progresses, I seem to be on a yo-yo. I feel a little better, so it’s not all bad… but when I stop and think for a second, I go right back down. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Final assessment: I feel like hell. Then I feel okay… then hell again. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my closet.
p.s.: a little embarrassed by my patheticness and wondering if I should post this at all. If I change my mind… down it comes…
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