what sandra thinks

[Note: This is one of those posts I started writing at least ten times but trashed it every time. I don’t know why I kept trashing it… and I don’t know why I’m posting it now…]

Maybe I am an idiot… but before I started blogging, I did not know it was considered social media. I’m serious. And if you’re laughing at me now, I can totally understand and accept that.

When I began, I didn’t even consider the ‘likes‘ and the ‘comments‘. I thought I’d just have ‘followers‘… and I thought I’d be lucky to ever have more than 20 or 25 of them reading what I posted. I didn’t even think about interactions. I never used to read blogs… unless I landed on one when I wanted that recipe for Cinnamon Roll Cheesecake I saw on Pinterest. (And even then, I’d just scroll down to the recipe… as previously noted.) I didn’t know just reading blogs was a thing. I confess… I came to WP to write not to read. I thought I was just going to post bits of fiction and bitch about life. I never knew I’d make friends. And I never knew anyone would really care about anything I wrote.

It wasn’t until I took a Blogging U class nearly two years ago that I became aware of what blogging really was. I thought I was taking a class to make my blog better. I had no idea about the social aspects. Yep… I’m an idiot.

As a self-professed facebook-hater (I really truly loathe it), I was taken aback by this knowledge. Over-dramatic as this will sound, I felt a little ill. What had I gotten myself into? Other than reading a bit on twitter, I am not a social media person. But then I was. Kind of. It makes me queasy. I could have bailed right then and there. And I considered it. To be honest, I still consider it occasionally.

I do enjoy writing my blog posts. Of course, I could just write them for myself offline. But knowing others will read my words drives me to write more and write better. [Have I gotten better? I don’t know…] And the feedback and support are priceless… as are the friendships. I’ve been entertained and I’ve enjoyed meeting like-minded people. I felt incredibly alone before I met you.

But truly, I thought the only change from pre-blog writing would be that instead of writing just for me, I’d share my words. I honestly thought that was the only difference — strangers could read what came out of my head. And maybe I’d feel better letting out some of the personal crap to someone other than myself… even if I had no idea who (if anyone) was reading. But then I got support… something sorely lacking in my offline life.

Yet sometimes I wonder… what’s the point of blogging? For me, I mean. I didn’t start because I wanted to be part of a social media platform (see above for my cluelessness). If I’m not using my blog as a platform to ‘sell‘ my writing  (or head in that direction) or to sell anything else or to make money in some other way, what’s the point? You all know my employment status. I could use the money… even just a little.

What’s happened, though, is that I spend more time writing for the blog than writing for any ‘real‘ goals. It’s all practice… it’s all writing… which is good no matter the reason behind it. But what about ‘real‘ goals? Mine are fuzzy at best. Because, you see, I have too much anxiety and not enough confidence or courage to pursue writing ‘for real‘ in any capacity… to pursue publishing (self or otherwise)… or even to pursue writing articles on the internet for a few dollars. I know it sounds pathetic – my lack of courage and confidence. But I know myself. I don’t think I can do it. I tell myself all the time that I can… that I can at least try. [Insert cliché here: If you don’t try, you’ve already failed.] But I just cannot physically get myself to take the steps. Something stops me. I don’t know what it is.

What the hell is wrong with me? [I know… many things.]

I know I’m never going to earn millions writing or blogging. [And from what I’ve seen and learned, people who do earn loads from blogging employ a lot of tactics that make my skin crawl. I just don’t think I have it in me.] And I’m not going to get miraculously discovered by an agent or a publisher by posting here. [I know… stop laughing…] So… some days I wonder why I’m here at all.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy it… and I’m not looking to stop or even take a break or anything like that. My friends are the best. But I think I need a goal… one that I don’t immediately give up on. Not sure if such a goal exists for me.

And I think I need to absolve myself from the guilt I feel when I can’t keep up with everyone else’s blogs… I never can. And I need to stop feeling terrible because I can’t follow back every single person who follows me (seriously… over 1500… how??). And I need to calm the fuck down and stop stressing myself out thinking that I must post daily or everyone will jump ship.

Out of sight, out of mind?
or…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Which is it?

Anyway… don’t panic (or celebrate)… I’m not going anywhere. I don’t even know what brought on this post. I guess sometimes I just wonder why. [About tons of things… not just this.]

For some reason [see ‘Note’ at the beginning of this post], I go back and forth about publishing this post. Why? Who the hell knows?! Hopefully I won’t regret it. Again, why? No idea.

/end crazy rambling thoughts…

©2017 what sandra thinks
All Calvin & Hobbes images ©Bill Watterson, obviously