about my writing again.

It is currently 1:42 am Friday morning. Usually, I’d post fiction friday about 8 or 9 hours from now. But this next part… the one I had already written 4 times when I posted about it on Monday… well… I’m on version 7 now. And I’m still not happy with it. Or any previous version. I’m still so disappointed with every damn word I write.

I tried casting my laptop aside and writing with pen and paper. That was version 6. No peeking at any previous versions… just writing as though it was the first time. I don’t know that it was any better. Maybe it doesn’t matter if it’s better or not — I’m so disgusted with my writing right now that it’s going to be crap to me no matter what. And I don’t want to post something and then regret it.

I think I could write the words if I knew what I wanted to say. But I can’t even get that straight. I’m going in too many different directions… with no destinations.

I’m growing concerned that I’m never going to be able to finish this story. But I’ve left you hanging. (And by ‘you’, of course, I mean those of you reading it… those of you who are even remotely invested in the story.) I want to finish it… but it’s just not working. It feels like it’s never going to work. It’s not even just this next part… It’s the ending, too. I don’t know where I got lost… but I am lost.

So… I’ve written this whole post to tell you that I have no idea if I’m going to be able to post fiction friday today. I need to get some sleep. I’m hoping it’s exhaustion and not pure insanity that made me cry over this tonight. I just can’t write it. I know I’m fucking ridiculous. It’s just a stupid story.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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35 Responses to about my writing again.

  1. Halycon Prana says:

    Any story you have to tell is not stupid. We all love your writing here, and many of us look forward to reading anything you write. I know how hard it can be to wrestle with your creative conscious, and when its at its worst it feels like you may never write again. But you will, because its something you love to do, and it gives you, and so many others pleasure. Your writing touches people. Always here if you need to bounce some idea off, or need constructive feedback. I hope the sun is shining, and when you wake up its a beautiful day.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Your very sweet… thank you so much. ❤ I’m so frustrated that I’m having so much trouble with this. It’s crazy that it’s upsetting me this much. I wish I could erase from my brain everything I’ve written that I’m not happy with… but it keeps creeping back in… and I keep writing different versions of the same thing… and I don’t love it. I really need some sleep.

      Like

  2. Simon says:

    You’re not fucking ridiculous, it’s more than a story.
    What’s the problem, can I help? Remember a few weeks ago when you asked for people to help and I said I would. I meant that 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know… and I really appreciate it. I really just don’t know how anyone can help. Originally, I had an ending and I thought it was okay… but just okay. And the more I thought about it, the more I hated it. So now, I don’t even have an ending. And I’m not sure what happens right now in the story either… I have too many versions and I can’t erase them from my head and start over… but I do like pieces of them… so… See? I’m totally confused! 🙂

      Like

  3. Maybe a distraction would help. Try not to write at all for a week and find an alternative activity for that week. Walking twice a day during the day, gardening or going to bookshops. ( I also like to garden, or paint so when I’m not right in the head I need something else positive to flush my head. Hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. tarnishedsoul says:

    A side note…or maybe not…
    Do irrational numbers bother you?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Not “just a stupid story”. It’s yours and something you’ve invested your time and effort in. It means something to you. That’s never a “stupid” thing. Your putting too much pressure on yourself, in every way, it seems. This should be your distraction, your escape, not another stressor. Breathe! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. stephieann8 says:

    All of the above. Putting pressure on yourself is counterproductive. On a side note I tried writing the other day by hand and my muscles crapped up so fast! Guess I have gotten so used to typing my hands are not used to pencils!

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 I was surprised that my hand wasn’t bothering me after writing for a while. I don’t do it as often as I used to! I know… I need to chill about this but I just want to write it so badly… I can’t seem to walk away from it!

      Like

  7. Go off in a completely different direction. Write something silly, or pious, or smutty, or about a fat toad (I’m sure you’ve met a few!) Come back to the story in 3 weeks, or 4 weeks, revamp, rewrite, or carry on in the same way. It does not matter, it REALLY does not matter. If the worst comes to the worst, get drunk! We’ll be queueing up to join you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. ‘I want to finish it.’ Want. And that’s where writer’s block begins.. Hope you had a good night and woke up in that type of flow you can’t even be bothered to shower first 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Miriam says:

    I’ve missed so much of your writing and so many of your posts. Still I’m back and look forward to catching up on whatever, poetry, fiction … I enjoy your writing Sandra, regardless of what you think about it. Remember, once a writer, always a writer. Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: moody monday. #1 | what sandra thinks

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