I’m feeling good. Though I always have that touch of fear… that worry… that it’s not going to last. And that’s true… it won’t. I have ups and downs. I won’t be up forever. When I’m down, I can’t imagine up… I think I’m never going to get there. When I’m up, I’m scared of being down again. It sucks because, really, when can I just relax and feel good? I can’t. But right now… despite the worrying… I’m feeling good.
I’m having some trouble writing. Do I need to feel bad to write? Do I need to be down? I don’t know… but I can’t seem to write anything decent. I have trashed so many posts in the last week that I’ve lost count. They just suck so much. Even this post… I already hate it. Maybe I couldn’t write because it was the weekend… or maybe it’s just… something else. I feel kind of empty… even though I’m not down. ??? I cannot explain myself…
My fiction project… the one I’ve been posting for fiction friday… I’m stuck. I’ve written the next part 4 times… I’m in the middle of version 5… and I’m not happy with any of them. They’re all just… disappointing. Disappointing for me… as I’m sure they would be for you… if I posted any of them. I need to move on to version 6 but I don’t know that it will turn out any better.
I think if I was writing the story again from the start, I’d make some changes along the way so where I am now would be a bit different. But I didn’t plan this out ahead of time. I’m writing it as I go… mostly. I always had a basic plot, with some detail… because I wrote a mediocre version of the whole story several years ago.
But now… I have 3 different things I want to happen… but they can’t all happen. At most, I could have 2 of them. But even then… I’m not sure it will work. But if I don’t include this one thing, I feel like it’s a fail. But I don’t want it to seem unnatural either. Aaargh! I think I’ve written myself into a corner and I don’t know how to get out… not without backing up and rewriting half the story. I’m stuck. And I don’t want it to suck.
And the ending… well… I fucking hate endings. But I’m going to end this post… because I hate it!
Maybe this should be a thing… Monday’s Mood? Moody Monday? (Does that work if I’m moody every day?) I could check in with myself and see what’s going on in my head… and share it with all of you because my brain is an adventure and I’m sure you’ll be fascinated. Yeah, I know… it’s probably more scary than fascinating.
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