writing and my mood.

writing in darkness

I’m feeling good. Though I always have that touch of fear… that worry… that it’s not going to last. And that’s true… it won’t. I have ups and downs. I won’t be up forever. When I’m down, I can’t imagine up… I think I’m never going to get there. When I’m up, I’m scared of being down again. It sucks because, really, when can I just relax and feel good? I can’t. But right now… despite the worrying… I’m feeling good.

I’m having some trouble writing. Do I need to feel bad to write? Do I need to be down? I don’t know… but I can’t seem to write anything decent. I have trashed so many posts in the last week that I’ve lost count. They just suck so much. Even this post… I already hate it. Maybe I couldn’t write because it was the weekend… or maybe it’s just… something else. I feel kind of empty… even though I’m not down. ??? I cannot explain myself…

My fiction project… the one I’ve been posting for fiction friday… I’m stuck. I’ve written the next part 4 times… I’m in the middle of version 5… and I’m not happy with any of them. They’re all just… disappointing. Disappointing for me… as I’m sure they would be for you… if I posted any of them. I need to move on to version 6 but I don’t know that it will turn out any better.

I think if I was writing the story again from the start, I’d make some changes along the way so where I am now would be a bit different. But I didn’t plan this out ahead of time. I’m writing it as I go… mostly. I always had a basic plot, with some detail… because I wrote a mediocre version of the whole story several years ago.

But now… I have 3 different things I want to happen… but they can’t all happen. At most, I could have 2 of them. But even then… I’m not sure it will work. But if I don’t include this one thing, I feel like it’s a fail. But I don’t want it to seem unnatural either. Aaargh! I think I’ve written myself into a corner and I don’t know how to get out… not without backing up and rewriting half the story. I’m stuck. And I don’t want it to suck.

And the ending… well… I fucking hate endings. But I’m going to end this post… because I hate it!

arrow.

Maybe this should be a thing… Monday’s Mood? Moody Monday? (Does that work if I’m moody every day?) I could check in with myself and see what’s going on in my head… and share it with all of you because my brain is an adventure and I’m sure you’ll be fascinated. Yeah, I know… it’s probably more scary than fascinating.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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50 Responses to writing and my mood.

  1. God, girl you need to relax and take a deep breath.
    Trust your guts and you will know your next move!:)

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Monday is a weird thing. Even stranger is im never inspired to write until i get to work. Its like all of the pressure makes my mind wantvto numb itself eith fantasys.

    And about being good enough, i feel you. I know im a good writer but the doubt says “nobody will read this”. Even tougher when friends and family aremt excited about my work all the time. Anyway. Awesome share i started my day feeling just this, moody hoping that my writing was a way out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad that you are good lately! But also sad that you are so torn about your writing. Maybe a little break will help? Or just keep writing all those posts that you feel are garbage until you get to something good? lol Moody Mondays sound like a great idea!! hehe I love it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • The Moody Monday thing would be interesting… since my moods seem to change so much. If I do it… after a few months, it’d be interesting to look back.

      I think I do need a break. At least from that particular piece of fiction. But… I still want to have the next part ready by Friday! No idea if that’s going to happen…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Breathe! You kept saying you “need” to do this or that. No, you don’t. The more pressure you put on yourself, the more stuck you’re gonna be. It’s like fighting against a riptide. Just relax, clear your mind, accept that you feel good today, don’t worry about tomorrow. Relax. Have a cup of coffee, go for a walk, play with your kids. It’ll come to you. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Joana says:

    Take a breather. Just keep writing even if it sucks. I have the same problem for a few weeks now like everything I write is crap and it is crap. Quite frustrating so I decided to just do something else that is fun 😊 Just relax for awhile.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It seems like relaxing… thinking about something else… doing something else should be easy, doesn’t it? I find it hard to do that sometimes, though. I think I want this fiction piece to be good so badly that I’m having trouble taking my focus off it.

      You’re right, though, I think. I am going to keep writing even if it sucks. I know I should take a break completely but I don’t know if I can! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The V Pub says:

    You’ve written yourself into a corner and can’t get out? Sounds like one of those lifeline commercials. 😀 Don’t press it. Writers block sucks when it strikes and those no easy way out of it. I suggest a ride to the beach and something yummy at Kelly’s. That’ll help.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. joridevious says:

    I totally know how you feel! I have the exact same struggle, but I always keep posting and that makes it even worse because I can’t stop thinking about how horrible my post is and I end up being anxious all day. Also, if you ever think your darkness feeds your creativity & without it you’d lose your creativity google “the fear about losing your darkness” by Diana C. Pitaru (I guess you’ll find it somehow) it’s just a 2 minute read but her point of view is very good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s good to know I’m not alone but I don’t wish this feeling on anyone! Of course, I’ve come to know that darkness is a part of me and it’s not going anywhere even if I want it to… And I don’t want it to. It’s just the sad, overly low moments I could do without! I’m gong to look up your suggestion. Thanks! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I think I know how you feel. I’ve been at a standstill lately and I’m feeling like I don’t want to try, like I’m afraid nothing good will flow out. It’s aggravating as he’ll, isn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sandra,

    I think whatever you write, it’s gonna be well received by your blogging community. What’s that I read you should do, get your thoughts down and don’t worry with edits. What you don’t like others might like and if you’re stuck then maybe your readers can point you in a direction that you like. I’d love to create adult fictions or to even put my memories down in an interesting way but I find I stumble to arrange my thoughts into an acceptable post to share. This is something I hope to change soon, though. I finally came to the decision to just put whatever I come up without there for others to enjoy. If nothing else it will sparkle another’s memories to fill his/her senses, maybe even putting a smile on the face of the reader. Monday’s don’t have to be moody. They can be filled with mewsic instead. Why not come dance with me with “Freebie Week-Your Choice” tunes on Monday’s Music Moves Me (Aug. 7th)! Have a good day, my friend!

    Like

  10. I love the idea of “Monday’s Mood” – I believe it daily things like that….of course that’s why I have Mullet Monday and Hump Day Shenanigan’s. Wish I could come up with something for everyday but time is limited. I love all of your moods…it’s what makes you intriguing and mysterious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: about my writing again. | what sandra thinks

  12. I am Aranab says:

    an ending to somewhere leads to an opening some place else.

    Liked by 1 person

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