When you whisper in my ear
and tell me I’m beautiful
When you pull me close to you
and kiss my waiting lips
When you take my hand in yours
and smile your perfect smile
I see the shimmer in your eyes
and I fall in love
©2017 what sandra thinks
partners in crime.
“Thanks for coming.”
“You know I’m always here for you.”
“But this… it’s asking a lot.”
“I know you’d do the same for me. Now, come on. Help me get this into the hole.”
“Are we good?”
“Yeah. Just fill in the dirt around the roots.”
“It looks perfect.”
“And no one will ever know there’s a body under there.”
©2017 what sandra thinks
It is currently 1:42 am Friday morning. Usually, I’d post fiction friday about 8 or 9 hours from now. But this next part… the one I had already written 4 times when I posted about it on Monday… well… I’m on version 7 now. And I’m still not happy with it. Or any previous version. I’m still so disappointed with every damn word I write.
I tried casting my laptop aside and writing with pen and paper. That was version 6. No peeking at any previous versions… just writing as though it was the first time. I don’t know that it was any better. Maybe it doesn’t matter if it’s better or not — I’m so disgusted with my writing right now that it’s going to be crap to me no matter what. And I don’t want to post something and then regret it.
I think I could write the words if I knew what I wanted to say. But I can’t even get that straight. I’m going in too many different directions… with no destinations.
I’m growing concerned that I’m never going to be able to finish this story. But I’ve left you hanging. (And by ‘you’, of course, I mean those of you reading it… those of you who are even remotely invested in the story.) I want to finish it… but it’s just not working. It feels like it’s never going to work. It’s not even just this next part… It’s the ending, too. I don’t know where I got lost… but I am lost.
So… I’ve written this whole post to tell you that I have no idea if I’m going to be able to post fiction friday today. I need to get some sleep. I’m hoping it’s exhaustion and not pure insanity that made me cry over this tonight. I just can’t write it. I know I’m fucking ridiculous. It’s just a stupid story.
©2017 what sandra thinks
Remember the night
you told me
I was the one?
Because I do.
Remember the smile
in your eyes
and on your face?
Because I do.
Remember the love
in your kiss
and your whispers?
Because I do.
Remember the day
you left me
for the last time?
Because I do.
©2017 what sandra thinks
I never gave myself a chance. But to be fair, I didn’t know how.
For as long as I can remember, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t know. Hell, I’m not even sure I grew up. [Am I supposed to feel my age? Because I still feel like a kid trying to figure it all out.]
I’ve spent my life trying to do what was expected of me but usually failing to make the right decisions to get there. I tried to follow my heart instead, but for me, that was more external than it should have been. Meaning… I was actually following my emotions… not my heart. It sounds like it’s the same but it’s really not.
I wish I’d never even tried to travel the expected path. I wish I’d done what I truly wanted… not what others thought I should do… and not what my emotions made me do. But that didn’t happen. Part of that is because I didn’t know what I truly wanted… so how could I do it? And part of it is because it all went too fast.
I wish I could slow it down. Oh hell, I wish I could turn it backwards and restart.
I ain’t trading my youth for no suit and jacket
I ain’t giving my freedom for your money and status
So don’t say I’m getting older
Cause I’ll say it when I do
Cause everybody I know, everybody I know
Is growing old, is growing old too quickly
And I don’t wanna go
So how am I supposed to slow it down so I can figure out who I am?
[…]
Some of us surviving
Some of us just roaming
Some of us just hoping the world will move more slowly
She removed every last stitch of clothing from her body and pulled on his shirt. She felt surrounded by him. Pausing for a moment, her eyes fell to her toothbrush standing in the glass by the sink. Beside his. There was something comforting and meaningful about their toothbrushes resting side by side like that. Smiling, she took a deep breath and snapped out of her silly toothbrush vision. He was waiting for her.
©2002-2017 what sandra thinks
with you.
(written January 2016; reposting because I love this one…)
I am weak
And I am afraid
To tell you
That I am in love
With your eyes
With the sound of your laugh
And your voice
(Deep and sexy and perfect)
With your thoughts
And how you read mine
(Even though
You don’t know you can)
With the way
You think you’re just a man
(And you are
A sweet, beautiful man
But not ‘just’
You are so much more)
With your touch
When your skin brushes mine
You may think
I don’t even notice
But I do
Because it makes me tingle
(Everywhere)
My heart forgets to beat
And I try
To remember to breathe but
I struggle
Because I am weak and afraid
To tell you
That I am in love
With you
©2016 what sandra thinks
I’m feeling good. Though I always have that touch of fear… that worry… that it’s not going to last. And that’s true… it won’t. I have ups and downs. I won’t be up forever. When I’m down, I can’t imagine up… I think I’m never going to get there. When I’m up, I’m scared of being down again. It sucks because, really, when can I just relax and feel good? I can’t. But right now… despite the worrying… I’m feeling good.
I’m having some trouble writing. Do I need to feel bad to write? Do I need to be down? I don’t know… but I can’t seem to write anything decent. I have trashed so many posts in the last week that I’ve lost count. They just suck so much. Even this post… I already hate it. Maybe I couldn’t write because it was the weekend… or maybe it’s just… something else. I feel kind of empty… even though I’m not down. ??? I cannot explain myself…
My fiction project… the one I’ve been posting for fiction friday… I’m stuck. I’ve written the next part 4 times… I’m in the middle of version 5… and I’m not happy with any of them. They’re all just… disappointing. Disappointing for me… as I’m sure they would be for you… if I posted any of them. I need to move on to version 6 but I don’t know that it will turn out any better.
I think if I was writing the story again from the start, I’d make some changes along the way so where I am now would be a bit different. But I didn’t plan this out ahead of time. I’m writing it as I go… mostly. I always had a basic plot, with some detail… because I wrote a mediocre version of the whole story several years ago.
But now… I have 3 different things I want to happen… but they can’t all happen. At most, I could have 2 of them. But even then… I’m not sure it will work. But if I don’t include this one thing, I feel like it’s a fail. But I don’t want it to seem unnatural either. Aaargh! I think I’ve written myself into a corner and I don’t know how to get out… not without backing up and rewriting half the story. I’m stuck. And I don’t want it to suck.
And the ending… well… I fucking hate endings. But I’m going to end this post… because I hate it!
Maybe this should be a thing… Monday’s Mood? Moody Monday? (Does that work if I’m moody every day?) I could check in with myself and see what’s going on in my head… and share it with all of you because my brain is an adventure and I’m sure you’ll be fascinated. Yeah, I know… it’s probably more scary than fascinating.
©2017 what sandra thinks
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