feels like monday.

The real Monday didn’t seem to exist this week. But today might as well be Monday.

I missed my moody monday post. It’s not that I wasn’t moody… which is clear from yesterday’s post. That could have been a moody monday post. But like I said, Monday didn’t seem to exist… so I totally forgot.

This could be a moody monday post, too. I’m sorry in advance.

It’s more of a venting post than anything else. I don’t think anyone has any answers to my situation. Fuck knows I don’t.

Yesterday was the unofficial last day of summer. My husband took the day off. It felt like Sunday. Today the kids started school. This brings me back to that whole time-alone thing which is great… and also sucks.

The kids were about to rip each other’s throats out so it’s good that they’re back in school. My daughter was dying to go (grade 4). My son, less so, but he was still happy to go (grade 7).

Is it bad that this picture is appropriate for about 90% of my posts?

But it sucks, too. I am still confused about how to handle my job search and right now, it’s punching me in the face. (I know… this again. I’m sorry.) I hate when I ask my husband what he thinks we (I) should do because he never says anything except ‘I don’t know’… and that makes me want to punch him in the face. I don’t know either… maybe he could help figure it out?? We’re supposed to be in this together. Sigh.

I need to contact my recruiter to let her know I’m available again (summer was out)… but I’m afraid she won’t find me anything AND I’m afraid she will. I’m not sure if I definitely need to tell her I can’t work a regular 40-hr week. But what if a 40-hr job comes up that’s perfect for me? Of course… the schedule…

But there’s also this other thing…

Before I was laid off from my last job, I helped everyone with everything. So… on my resumé, I have some ‘extra‘ skills and experience that could help me find a job. However, I HATE those particular things and do NOT want a job doing them.

skills.

But those things seem to stand out. Those are the jobs that seem to come up. Probably because they are more defined than what my real job was… which is impossible to label. But these other things… they are low level, crappy paying, soul-sucking, hellish jobs. And I’m WAY overqualified. I know I’m getting desperate but I don’t think I can psychologically handle that. It could push me over the edge.

So the question is this: Do I remove those things from my resumé completely so those jobs stop coming up? Or is that just narrowing my possibilities? But if I will slip into deep depression with any of those ‘possibilities‘… what’s the point? Do you see my dilemma? And no worries… I don’t expect a solution. Not sure there is one.

I know it sounds like I’m asking for too much but I don’t want to hate my job so much that I cry at the mere thought of it. And the schedule is so important. I don’t want to fail my children. They should be able to participate in whatever they want just like other kids. If not me, there’s no one to drive them around. Maybe other parents have friends or relatives to help out. I don’t have that. I don’t know how to do both… all… whatever.

This is a long rambling mess but I don’t have time to go back and clean it up. The zipper on my handbag broke and I need to go buy a new one. Oh yeah, I know. More good luck. (Sarcasm.) Then again, it’s getting late and I’m going to need to pick up the kids. I probably don’t have time for that anyway…

Like I said before… I think I just needed to vent… I don’t have any answers… I don’t expect anyone else will either. I’m just tired of feeling alone with all of this. Sometimes, it feels like it’s slowly killing me. I wish the answer was ‘just take any job‘ (and keep looking for something better) but I can’t do that. If I didn’t have kids… I could. But I do and I can’t.

Not-Monday mood assessment: Confused… sad… lost. But surprisingly, I’m not sobbing or anything. I guess it’s a calm sadness. For now. I do feel like I’m going to throw up, though.

p.s.: Again, I’m embarrassed by my inability to figure out my stupid life… and I question posting this at all. And again, if I change my mind… down it comes…


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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46 Responses to feels like monday.

  1. The V Pub says:

    Don’t get overwhelmed with the job search. Try it and, if you like it, you can keep it. If not, back to the search. There’s something to be said about being happy in your professional life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. We (well, not me currently) spend so much time at work that I think you’ve got to like it… at least a little. My biggest concern right now is the kids. We have nothing in place for them when I become unavailable.

      Thanks, Rob ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Marquessa says:

    Why not give yourself a timeframe? Remove stuff from your resume for x amount of time then add it back in for x amount of time and see what happens…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks… 🙂 That’s a good idea. Not sure what I would do with the recruiter… would I give her an updated resume and tell her to forget the old one? Or use the altered one on my own… or both. I should probably call other recruiters, too, but I have such a huge phone problem. It’s kind of a nightmare!

      Like

      • Marquessa says:

        I’m no expert but the more balls in the air the better no? You sending them, more than one recruiter working for you…

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know it’s true. I just get SO anxious about this that I become paralyzed. It takes me forever to be able to pick up the phone. I overthink it and make myself so scared that I’m freaking out way too much to make a call. I freeze whenever I have to write a cover letter, too. Those are a total nightmare. Hell, I can’t even find appropriate job listings because my experience has no title… I don’t even know what to search for. Sorry… that all sounded so miserable. I just feel hopeless about this. Oh… and 5% or fewer job listings even mention a flexible schedule. I don’t know how I can possibly be a decent parent. Before I lost my last job, they couldn’t do anything. I don’t want to take it all away now…

          Like

          • Marquessa says:

            Yeah, its awful to pick up the phone for that type of think. Don’t recruiters do cover letters, etc for you too?

            Liked by 1 person

            • They don’t actually do cover letters… but because they present you to a client, you don’t usually need one. I really do need to contact others besides the one I already met with. But I just don’t know what I’m looking for. It’s making everything feel impossible.

              Like

              • Marquessa says:

                Instead of focusing on the job, do recruiters focus on “competencies” that are transferable to a variety of jobs? I know zilch about recruiters…🤔

                Liked by 1 person

                • My experience has been that they look at your resume and try to find things that match your previous experience… which is why no matter how good I am at something (writing, for example), if I have no work experience in the field, no one will even consider me. I did meet with her a while back and we talked… I told her more about what I really wanted but it was more of a wish list than anything else.

                  I think I want a job but I don’t want a job. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense… but I think that’s what’s paralyzing me right now. I am really stressed about the kids and how much they need me to get them places. They don’t want me to go back to work but they know I have to. I just can’t see a way that this will work out.

                  Like

                  • Marquessa says:

                    I once worked 6 months with no pay to gain experience and skills in a certain area. Could you maybe do part-time volunteer work? It could get your feet wet at no cost to a company and if necessary you could walk away at any time…

                    Liked by 1 person

  3. I would not recommend removal of any detail from your resumé Sandra. The more detail, the more chance you have of being offered a position. You can list the less attractive responsibilities as secondary tasks, rather than a main part of the job you did. Will your recruiter give advice on this maybe? He/she probably is in the best position to help.

    Do try to remain positive. I know it’s easy to say, and not so easy to do, but there are lots of us out here rooting for you!

    Hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was thinking that it might be best to leave everything there but it seems that no matter how secondary I try to make some of these things look, they’re always what people latch onto. Like I said, probably because my real work is hard to label. I don’t even know quite how to explain it!

      Here I am trying to figure out what to tell the recruiter when, you’re right, she may be able to tell me.

      Thanks so much! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Can your kids stay by themselves yet? Ride a bus home? What activities are they into? At some point, the job will be necessary, no? I know enjoying ines job/work is ideal, but that’s not the case for most. Most work to live, not live to work. If you find a job, maybe look for a part-time nanny a couple of hours after school? Care.com would be a decent place to start. As far as that goes, maybe having an in-home daycare as an option?

    Liked by 1 person

    • My son can stay alone but I wouldn’t want him to have to watch her for very long. It’s transportation that’s the bigger issue. The bus… we have to pay for it and it’s a LOT. WTF? We never had to pay when I was a kid. And in most areas, you still don’t. But of course, I do. Yes… a job is necessary, like, it’s past due, so to speak.

      I’m not expecting a dream job because (1) I don’t know what that would be and (2) it would involve nothing from my resumé. But I don’t want to be sobbing on my way to work every day either… and crying all night that I have to go back. (This has happened to me in my life.) It has to at least be okay or I will lose my mind. Literally, probably.

      I don’t know if we could afford a nanny… and with my luck/anxiety, I’d assume that if it’s someone I don’t know well, something horrible could happen to my children. I definitely do not have a home (or a mental state) appropriate for in-home daycare.

      Sigh. I know… I’m difficult. I don’t mean to be… it’s just a really bad situation with no logical answers. I feel like I’ve thought of everything and it’s gotten me nowhere.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wasn’t keen on the nanny thing either, but it worked out well for us. The word nanny makes it seem hoity toity, but that’s really just a sitter for after school. Ours actually used to pick them up at school and bring to the house. It was only for about two hours a day and at roughly $15/hour, it only cost us $150 or so per week. Not too bad. Care.com does background checks, and of course you’d want to interview them, but not a bad option. Ours are old enough now that hey just come home on the bus and hang for a bit before I’m home. Speaking of the bus, they charge you to ride the school bus?!? Never heard of that. 😳

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yeah… the bus. I haven’t looked into it lately, but the last time I checked into it, I think it was a few hundred dollars!! Per kid! It’s insane. If that were free, it would help us a LOT. I hate where I live so much. Too bad there is a 0% chance that we could move. Less than 0. Cursed… I swear. Some days I don’t know why I bother getting out of bed. Or breathing.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Why can’t you move?

            Liked by 1 person

            • I could move if I left by myself (and got a job). But I’m not leaving my kids. Husband has a good job. He’s an only child and his parents live nearby. He doesn’t want to move. Kids do not want to change schools. And we cannot afford to move anyway. I’d love to move closer to my mom but it’s not gonna happen…

              Liked by 1 person

              • Gotcha. I just wondered. Could his parents help with the kids?

                Liked by 1 person

                • Oh, believe me, I wish! My father-in-law might be able to help if he didn’t need to take care of my mother-in-law. She is not doing well. So right now, anyway, we aren’t able to count on him on a regular basis.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Man. One of these days I may actually suggest something that could maybe be possibly a potentially good idea. Give me a sec, I’ll be at the drawing board. 😃😃

                    Sorry to hear about your MIL. 😕

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • It’s okay… really. I appreciate that you try so hard to help. I just always seem to be in a no-win situation. Other than finding hidden treasure or someone throwing a great job at me, there’s nothing… And people wonder why I’m always so hopeless… seriously… what do I have to be happy about? My life is a disaster.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Oh man, don’t think like that….or at least try not to. I know, it’s easier said than done though. 😕

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • The guilt I feel when I don’t contact the recruiter is huge. I feel fine… then I realize that I shouldn’t because my way of dealing with this is to not deal with it. Yet I still can’t bring myself to contact her. I think I’m just really scared to have a job. I’m just not used to it anymore and the change feels overwhelming. I think in this case, I’m more afraid of “success” than failure. I’m not even sure find a job will qualify as “success”… not if I have to fail my kids or be totally miserable.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Try to not molehill. You’re making assumptions based on no information. I’ll tell you what, just do one thing today, that’s it: check in with her. Then, go from there. I don’t know what motivates you or eases the anxiety, but don’t think of anything else but making the phone call. That’s it. Just the call. Then go from there. I speak from experience in this. I’m the king of molehilling, and all it does is cloud your thoughts. One step at a time. Period.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I do still feel like I need to get *something* from my husband before I talk to her. Are we really good with me asking for part time? What does he think is best? He always says ‘I don’t know’ but I need to know something from him. I don’t want to make yet another bad decision. And I don’t want to tell the recruiter one thing and then change it again and again… she’s just going to think I’m difficult or something and she will not be motivated to find me a job…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Well, sounds like it’s time for a sit-down, and don’t let him go til you get some sorta answer from him. Even if you have to invade the basement. “I don’t know” won’t cut it.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • No.. it won’t cut it. I wrote up some stuff to say to her. I may just email her when I do contact her. But I don’t want the husband to come back later and tell me I should have said…… you know? I should just say fuck him but we are a family and I think we should be making these decisions together…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Oh, I agree! He has to give some input here. Y’all are in a partnership, and each decision affects everybody in the house. Make him talk to you, whether he wants to or not!

                      Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg says:

    Among all the other things I’ve been reading up on is making money at copywriting. I haven’t looked too deeply yet, but it is a way to write for a living. You are an excellent writer so maybe that’s something to look into. I have it on my list as a backup plan if I fail at novel writing…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Can’t the recruiter help you find part time? Or how about a mom of one of the kids’ friends taking/picking them up? You can make this work, I know you can!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know how to make friends…! I’m not even a little bit close to any of the other parents… I couldn’t ask anyone for anything. The recruiter might be able to find me something part time but that’s harder to come by so who knows if or when it would ever happen… but I can try. I just feel so trapped.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. hmms the job thing, I’m not sure if this was mentioned in the comments already (I only really skimmed quickly on the way down here) but what about leaving the skills you hate in to get a job and then keep looking for a job that you like after? Even if it’s just a part time job that you hate, it might boost your confidence in getting a job, and help with some of the anxiety over the interview process/starting a new job?

    Liked by 1 person

    • It might help. I need to contact my recruiter (and I should probably find a couple more, too) and let her know I’m available again… probably just for part time… at least for now. But it makes me so anxious to even contact her. I totally freeze. Most of the time, I just don’t feel like I can do it at all. I’m not even sure what to say because I need to do what’s right… what my family needs… but all my husband ever says is “I don’t know.”

      Liked by 1 person

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