The real Monday didn’t seem to exist this week. But today might as well be Monday.
I missed my moody monday post. It’s not that I wasn’t moody… which is clear from yesterday’s post. That could have been a moody monday post. But like I said, Monday didn’t seem to exist… so I totally forgot.
This could be a moody monday post, too. I’m sorry in advance.
It’s more of a venting post than anything else. I don’t think anyone has any answers to my situation. Fuck knows I don’t.
Yesterday was the unofficial last day of summer. My husband took the day off. It felt like Sunday. Today the kids started school. This brings me back to that whole time-alone thing which is great… and also sucks.
The kids were about to rip each other’s throats out so it’s good that they’re back in school. My daughter was dying to go (grade 4). My son, less so, but he was still happy to go (grade 7).
But it sucks, too. I am still confused about how to handle my job search and right now, it’s punching me in the face. (I know… this again. I’m sorry.) I hate when I ask my husband what he thinks we (I) should do because he never says anything except ‘I don’t know’… and that makes me want to punch him in the face. I don’t know either… maybe he could help figure it out?? We’re supposed to be in this together. Sigh.
I need to contact my recruiter to let her know I’m available again (summer was out)… but I’m afraid she won’t find me anything AND I’m afraid she will. I’m not sure if I definitely need to tell her I can’t work a regular 40-hr week. But what if a 40-hr job comes up that’s perfect for me? Of course… the schedule…
But there’s also this other thing…
Before I was laid off from my last job, I helped everyone with everything. So… on my resumé, I have some ‘extra‘ skills and experience that could help me find a job. However, I HATE those particular things and do NOT want a job doing them.
But those things seem to stand out. Those are the jobs that seem to come up. Probably because they are more defined than what my real job was… which is impossible to label. But these other things… they are low level, crappy paying, soul-sucking, hellish jobs. And I’m WAY overqualified. I know I’m getting desperate but I don’t think I can psychologically handle that. It could push me over the edge.
So the question is this: Do I remove those things from my resumé completely so those jobs stop coming up? Or is that just narrowing my possibilities? But if I will slip into deep depression with any of those ‘possibilities‘… what’s the point? Do you see my dilemma? And no worries… I don’t expect a solution. Not sure there is one.
I know it sounds like I’m asking for too much but I don’t want to hate my job so much that I cry at the mere thought of it. And the schedule is so important. I don’t want to fail my children. They should be able to participate in whatever they want just like other kids. If not me, there’s no one to drive them around. Maybe other parents have friends or relatives to help out. I don’t have that. I don’t know how to do both… all… whatever.
This is a long rambling mess but I don’t have time to go back and clean it up. The zipper on my handbag broke and I need to go buy a new one. Oh yeah, I know. More good luck. (Sarcasm.) Then again, it’s getting late and I’m going to need to pick up the kids. I probably don’t have time for that anyway…
Like I said before… I think I just needed to vent… I don’t have any answers… I don’t expect anyone else will either. I’m just tired of feeling alone with all of this. Sometimes, it feels like it’s slowly killing me. I wish the answer was ‘just take any job‘ (and keep looking for something better) but I can’t do that. If I didn’t have kids… I could. But I do and I can’t.
Not-Monday mood assessment: Confused… sad… lost. But surprisingly, I’m not sobbing or anything. I guess it’s a calm sadness. For now. I do feel like I’m going to throw up, though.
p.s.: Again, I’m embarrassed by my inability to figure out my stupid life… and I question posting this at all. And again, if I change my mind… down it comes…
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