what sandra thinks

the aftermath.

Posted on 12 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

That sounds like good name for a band. Or maybe it’s a really bad one. What do I know? I kind of like it though. Maybe there is already a band. I’m not looking it up.

Dear Readers,
I felt that I should provide a bit of an update as I have now posted twice about my kid.

It is not ideal… but nothing ever is, is it? Cinderella notwithstanding. (Although, is her situation really ideal? Running off and marrying a guy she just met? Seems risky.)

He was nervous on his way to school yesterday. He was also half asleep as he did not sleep well the night before. But then, he’s always kind of half asleep on his way to school. He does not enjoy waking up at 6:30.

For all his fears of having no friends because of the bully’s popularity, he was okay. He still isn’t so thrilled to be around this kid, but they hang out with the same people so that’s hard to avoid unless he doesn’t hang out with those guys at all. But he tells me he really doesn’t have anyone else to be friends with. He even said, “It’s not like I have a choice.” He doesn’t want to jump to being an outsider with another group. At least with this one, he’s less of an outsider.

He still wishes he had a best friend. And I really hope he finds one. Will it be one of these kids? I’m guessing no.

He texted me after school yesterday. (They are not, of course, allowed to use their phones during school. When I was a kid, it was passing notes. Now, phones. Damn, I am old.) Anyway, he said that one of the other guys told him, “Bully [not his real name] was being a jerk.” And later, one of the other guys said something similar.

And the next text was him letting me know he was going to the park again. I was a bit shocked after the level of upset he was on Friday. I didn’t know until later that the bully was with them. He didn’t do anything this time… I wonder if the other guys told him (the bully) that he was being an asshat. In their own words. I have no idea.

I apologize for my level of anxiety over this. I think it directly ties to the amount of tears I saw my son shed Friday afternoon. He literally curled up in a ball on his bed and cried. He’s never done that in his life. But… I apologize nonetheless. I embarrass myself a lot. Please don’t hold it against me. I hate that about me. I was only partially justified, I guess. Hell, I still worry about the potential of something happening again. But that’s me… overthinking and overworrying and overpanicking (and making up words). I still feel responsible for him not being fully part of the group… for him feeling a bit left out because of where we live and because of me being overcautious about him hanging out around town. But at least he doesn’t feel completely excluded.

I hope to hell this is over… that the jerkface doesn’t start up again. I admire my kid for going to the park yesterday. I think he showed the jerk that he wasn’t going to be chased away after Friday.

Still horrified (about me, not my kid),
Sandra

dots.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in anxiety, parenting, personal, writing | Tagged parenting, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 35 Comments

moody monday. #5 #parenting #isuckatit

Posted on 11 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

moody monday.

But wait… there’s more.

And it’s worse. What the fuck. It’s always worse. After all, this is my stupid life.

I am still worried about my son. He was really anxious about going to school today after the whole Friday afternoon thing. I hope it’s not horrible. I know I’m going to stress about this all day… even though there’s nothing I can do.

But something else about this is also eating at me. And again, there’s nothing I can do.

All these kids live on the other side of town… and they’ve been hanging out for years. My son has always had friends and he’d have occasional play dates. But it was hard because my husband and I were both working so we weren’t around after school. I don’t know how all the other kids’ parents did it. But it always seemed that all the other kids spent so much more time together than my kids spent with anyone. And it’s still like that now.

I know it’s my fault. For three reasons…

First, my son tells me that all the kids are always talking about video games and their x-box or whatever system they have. We don’t have one. It’s just not something we ever wanted to spend the money on and my son never really pushed for it. It didn’t seem like he cared. Maybe he really did care but didn’t tell us. I don’t know. Now he says he doesn’t even know if he wants it because he truly wants it or because he feels like he needs to have it to have friends.

Second, I am terrible at making friends so I never get to know anyone’s parents. I’m friendly and I can talk to people a little. But I don’t know how to make small talk. I don’t know how to start an actual friendship. Even when I was working, the people I was ‘friends’ with (and it rarely carried outside the office) were people who approached me. I don’t know how to initiate. Even if I could get myself to ask someone if they want to go out for a cup of coffee (is that even a thing or will I sound like a freak?), then what? I won’t know what to talk about while I’m with the person. And none of this would help my son at this point. He’s too old for it to matter if I’m friends with his friends’ parents. Maybe it matters for my daughter… but it’s probably too late for her, too.

Third, I worry too much which makes me somewhat overprotective. Things are different than they were when I was a kid. I see the news… I hear about kids being taken… killed, even. It freaks me out. I hate how much I worry when my kids aren’t home. I know it’s excessive but I can’t help it.

But it’s not as though I say no when my kids ask me if they can do something. I was never going to let my 8 or 9 year old walk all over town without an adult. That’s too young. Maybe I should have allowed it at 11… at 10? I don’t know. I let my son do it now, but apparently, it’s too late.

He told me that a couple of kids have made fun of him for his parents being overprotective. How is that his fault? It’s not… it’s our fault. And like I said, I don’t say no. But like I also said, it’s too late. No one even asks him to hang out. When he went with them to the park the other day, he just said, ‘hey, can I come with you guys?’ And the kid he talked to said, ‘sure, if you can.’ Was ‘if you can’ a dig at his overprotective parents? I didn’t pick up on that at first, but I bet it was. But… my son went. And if you read the other post, you all know how that turned out.

I had no idea it was like this for him until pretty much now. I don’t even know how long this has been an issue. I wish he’d said something as soon as it came up. But maybe it already would have been too late… I don’t know.

It’s not just me, though. My husband has never thought I was unusually overprotective. He and I always agreed on this stuff. I know I’m the one with the extreme worrying issues so I think he kind of puts it on me, but he’s never stepped up and said something was okay that I was worried about. So the blame doesn’t all fall to me, does it?

What happens now? I can’t do anything, can I? I fucked up my kids’ lives. I’ve made it too hard for them to have friends… too easy for them to be teased. I really am a horrible parent. And I can’t fix it. Even if I immediately start doing everything ‘right’, I can’t change things. It’s too late.

I am a complete failure and this time, and I didn’t just fuck up my own life… it’s my children… so it’s a million times worse.

Final assessment: I am a terrible parent. I’ve fucked things up that can’t be fixed. This time, I am completely hopeless. But I don’t even give a fuck how I feel anymore. These are my kids and I’ve failed them miserably.

Posted in parenting, personal, writing | Tagged anxiety, moody monday, moodymonday, parenting, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 34 Comments

song of the day. #41 | song lyric sunday.

Posted on 10 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

This edition of ‘song of the day‘ is also a post for ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘. The challenge is to post a song that fits the weekly theme. Or even a song that doesn’t fit… just to share some lyrics and music.

This week’s theme is revenge/vengeance. It took me about 2 seconds to think of a song.

Maybe it’s not really about revenge or vengeance. But it is full of hate.

A hundred years ago (okay, not that long), I had these friends (who all happened to be guys). They used this song as a sort of revenge… against a girl who treated everyone like dirt… because she thought she was better than everyone… and because she was ‘beautiful‘.

The first line is… “You want to know why I hate you?” How could I not love this song (yeah… darkness)? Plus it’s The Cure.

divider dots. red.

How Beautiful You Are / The Cure

You want to know why I hate you?
Well, I’ll try and explain
You remember that day in Paris
When we wandered through the rain
And promised to each other
That we’d always think the same
And dreamed that dream
To be two souls as one
And stopped just as the sun set
And waited for the night
Outside a glittering building
Of glittering glass and burning light
And in the road before us
Stood a weary greyish man
Who held a child upon his back
A small boy by the hand
The three of them were dressed in rags
And thinner than the air
And all six eyes stared fixedly on you

The father’s eyes said “Beautiful! How beautiful you are!”
The boy’s eyes said
“How beautiful! She shimmers like a star!”
The child’s eyes uttered nothing
But a mute and utter joy
And filled my heart with shame for us
At the way we are

I turned to look at you
To read my thoughts upon your face
And gazed so deep into your eyes
So beautiful and strange
Until you spoke
And showed me understanding is a dream
“I hate these people staring
Make them go away from me!”

And this is why I hate you
And how I understand
That no-one ever knows or loves another
—
Written by The Cure:
Robert Smith, Boris Williams, Porl Thompson, Simon Gallup, Lol Tolhurst

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged music, song lyric sunday, song of the day, the cure, whatsandrathinks, writing | 18 Comments

I feel like a bad parent.

Posted on 8 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

After school today, my son went with some of his friends to hang out at a park. One of the kids… who he’s never particularly liked, let’s call him A… grabbed a bottle from my son’s backpack. Then, basically, this kid tried to pick a fight with my son… but my son didn’t take the bait. The kid tossed the bottle… My son picked it up and started to walk away… and A’s best friend threw a whole different bottle at my son.

My son can be a bit emotional (my fault)… so I’m sure that as he walked away (and subsequently called me for a ride home), they saw him cry. And he said a lot of kids he knows were there. No one stood up for him. And he’s convinced that Monday at school everyone (literally) is going to be picking on him… making fun of him… and no one will be his friend.

The offending kid is pretty popular, my son says. He really thinks his whole grade is going to know about this and he will have no friends.

I don’t know what would make someone be so mean to my kid. He’s a little shy sometimes… but he’s never had trouble making friends.

But some kids are just mean. And right now… he doesn’t have a ‘best friend‘. [He used to before he started middle school last year but when his friend wasn’t in any of his classes, they drifted apart. They’re still friends but it’s not the same.]

I feel like I did something wrong. Like I failed.

He’s told me before… and again today… that he wishes we lived at the other end of town because all his friends live over there… so they’re all better friends with each other than with him. They go to each others’ houses whenever they feel like it and my son feels left out. And now he thinks he has no friends at all.

The irony is that we live on the side of town that’s considered “nicer”… but that doesn’t matter to him. Hell, it doesn’t matter to me… but… it’s not like we can move anyway. For a whole slew of reasons. And I doubt it would change anything… a lot of those kids have been friends since preschool. We can’t go back in time and be there when he was younger so he’d met these kids sooner.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I feel terrible. Why did I ever think I could be a good mom? I’ve failed.

And now I’ve got a killer headache from forcing myself not to cry. I can’t let the kids see that. Not now. Not about this.

I feel like a failure. If my son isn’t happy, isn’t that what I am?

Posted in anxiety, writing | Tagged anxiety, family, fear, sadness, whatsandrathinks, worry, writing | 63 Comments

fiction friday 73: but it’s non-fiction.

Posted on 8 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday. a series by sandra.

When I first started blogging, I wasn’t sure what I was doing but I always knew I wanted to share some fiction. I shared a few short scenes… but it took me a while to finally publish my first ‘fiction friday’ post. (And above is the original logo I created for it.) That first post was intended to stand alone… I wasn’t going to share the whole story. That’s why the timeline in that series is confusing (that’s always bugged me). I wouldn’t have started with that scene. But I did share the rest… because it seemed like readers wanted the rest of the story… and kept wanting it.

I was flattered… and overcome with shock and surprise and amazement. I’ve always loved my own writing. (Not in an egotistical way… I don’t think. I just love writing it… and reading it… getting lost in it… and even editing it.) But I never thought others would think it was any good. I spent my entire writing-life assuming I was just writing romantic drivel (and some naughtier stuff) that would never appeal to anyone but me. It took a lot of self-convincing for me to be able to share any of it.

Seventy-two posts and over a year and a half later, here I am at number 73. But this isn’t fiction. So I guess I’m cheating.

From the very first ‘fiction friday‘ post (and before that), I’ve been afraid of making promises I couldn’t keep. I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep it going. I never thought I would have enough to post… enough stories to share… enough quality writing. I’m stunned that I’ve been doing it this long.

As I’ve mentioned recently, I’m having a bit of an inner struggle over posting fiction. I’ve also mentioned the anxiety I feel over the mere thought of publishing. These thoughts are contradictory. Do I hold back posting any fiction I may someday try to publish? But… what’s the point if I’m never going to have the courage to try to publish anyway?

The point of this post is… I think ‘fiction friday‘ might be going on a little hiatus. Wait… don’t leave! I know some of you might be here just to read fiction… but I hope you won’t disappear. I’m not even sure about this hiatus. I may be back next week. Or the week after. I haven’t figured it out yet. I do have a few writing projects floating around in notebooks and in my head. But they’re not ready for general consumption. Maybe I’ll work on those. Maybe I’ll participate in this challenge my friend Marquessa Matthews started. I wanted to… but then I became obsessed with my Christmas card designs.

As you can see… I have no idea what I’m going to do with ‘fiction friday‘. I just know that I don’t have any fiction to share today and I feel bad about that because I hate disappointing people.

Stay tuned.

Posted in fiction, fiction friday, romance, writing | Tagged fiction, fiction friday, fictionfriday, romance, whatsandrathinks, writing | 13 Comments

throwback thursday: the metaphor.

Posted on 7 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

calvin and hobbes.

I had nothing to post today. I hate that. I know it’s not necessary, but my goal is to post once a day. So… this being Thursday, it seemed like the perfect time to start something new. New for me here on this blog, that is. Various incarnations of ‘Throwback Thursday‘ are all over the place.

I went back a long way for this… October 2015. I had a very small number of followers back then so I imagine this post is new to pretty much all of you.

You can view the original post here but I’ve included the whole post below.

divider dots.

the metaphor.
Originally posted on 20 October 2015

In my early twenties, I received a book from my then-boyfriend. I can’t remember if it was a special occasion or not. But I do know he chose the book carefully, wanting to give me something with a message… something that would speak to me on some level. It was a very sweet gesture.

I still have the book and still reread it occasionally. I think my favorite part is his message inside the cover:

‘This book is a metaphor for your life. With love, D.’

He was right. It’s a story about fear… about jumping to conclusions and worrying about those conclusions before knowing if they’re accurate. Throughout the entire book, the main character lets his fear take over. He assumes the worst. His greatest enemy is himself.

Sounds like me.

I have always been a bit shy and fearful. It holds me back. I’ve got lists of things I never did because of fear… shyness… anxiety. I still face this roadblock, never quite able to break through fully. Oh, I’ve had amazing moments of courage. And when I think about them, I’m proud of myself. Maybe more proud than I should be, but for me, overcoming fear and anxiety is huge.

I want more of those little victories. Oh hell, I want some giant victories!

But for now, I remain fearful and anxious. And like the book’s main character, embarrassed by it in the end.

Should you want to read this wonderful book (and you definitely should)… here it is:

monster metaphor.

Enjoy!

divider dots.

Posted in reading, writing | Tagged anxiety, books, fear, metaphor, reading, whatsandrathinks, writing | 21 Comments

song of the day. #40

Posted on 6 September 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

Maybe my brain is tired of sadness and anxiety and that feeling of hopelessness that’s always trying to creep in. Maybe that’s why my mind has opened to a new emotion… one I don’t feel quite as often. Anger.

Nah… it’s not just my brain growing sick of all other emotions. I know exactly why I’m angry. But I’m not going to get into it. I realize it’s rare for me to not open up and dump my personal junk all over the place. But I just don’t want to right now.

Being angry makes me feel more powerful (is that the word I want?) than being sad or anxious or hopeless. Not that I have any control over which emotions take over. Maybe I’m supposed to… but I don’t.

Anyway… anger makes me want Nine Inch Nails. This song is a commentary on the current uh… situation in my country. But that’s not why I chose it. I chose it because, as he often does, Trent Reznor sounds pissed off. Like me.

Needful
Too many fucking people
You’ll have to take care of yourselves
You know I’ve got my hands full

[…]

Oh, what are you waiting for?
You got what you asked for
Did it fix what was wrong with you?
Are you less than?