moody monday. #5 #parenting #isuckatit

moody monday.

But wait… there’s more.

And it’s worse. What the fuck. It’s always worse. After all, this is my stupid life.

I am still worried about my son. He was really anxious about going to school today after the whole Friday afternoon thing. I hope it’s not horrible. I know I’m going to stress about this all day… even though there’s nothing I can do.

But something else about this is also eating at me. And again, there’s nothing I can do.

All these kids live on the other side of town… and they’ve been hanging out for years. My son has always had friends and he’d have occasional play dates. But it was hard because my husband and I were both working so we weren’t around after school. I don’t know how all the other kids’ parents did it. But it always seemed that all the other kids spent so much more time together than my kids spent with anyone. And it’s still like that now.

I know it’s my fault. For three reasons…

First, my son tells me that all the kids are always talking about video games and their x-box or whatever system they have. We don’t have one. It’s just not something we ever wanted to spend the money on and my son never really pushed for it. It didn’t seem like he cared. Maybe he really did care but didn’t tell us. I don’t know. Now he says he doesn’t even know if he wants it because he truly wants it or because he feels like he needs to have it to have friends.

Second, I am terrible at making friends so I never get to know anyone’s parents. I’m friendly and I can talk to people a little. But I don’t know how to make small talk. I don’t know how to start an actual friendship. Even when I was working, the people I was ‘friends’ with (and it rarely carried outside the office) were people who approached me. I don’t know how to initiate. Even if I could get myself to ask someone if they want to go out for a cup of coffee (is that even a thing or will I sound like a freak?), then what? I won’t know what to talk about while I’m with the person. And none of this would help my son at this point. He’s too old for it to matter if I’m friends with his friends’ parents. Maybe it matters for my daughter… but it’s probably too late for her, too.

Third, I worry too much which makes me somewhat overprotective. Things are different than they were when I was a kid. I see the news… I hear about kids being taken… killed, even. It freaks me out. I hate how much I worry when my kids aren’t home. I know it’s excessive but I can’t help it.

But it’s not as though I say no when my kids ask me if they can do something. I was never going to let my 8 or 9 year old walk all over town without an adult. That’s too young. Maybe I should have allowed it at 11… at 10? I don’t know. I let my son do it now, but apparently, it’s too late.

He told me that a couple of kids have made fun of him for his parents being overprotective. How is that his fault? It’s not… it’s our fault. And like I said, I don’t say no. But like I also said, it’s too late. No one even asks him to hang out. When he went with them to the park the other day, he just said, ‘hey, can I come with you guys?’ And the kid he talked to said, ‘sure, if you can.’ Was ‘if you can’ a dig at his overprotective parents? I didn’t pick up on that at first, but I bet it was. But… my son went. And if you read the other post, you all know how that turned out.

I had no idea it was like this for him until pretty much now. I don’t even know how long this has been an issue. I wish he’d said something as soon as it came up. But maybe it already would have been too late… I don’t know.

It’s not just me, though. My husband has never thought I was unusually overprotective. He and I always agreed on this stuff. I know I’m the one with the extreme worrying issues so I think he kind of puts it on me, but he’s never stepped up and said something was okay that I was worried about. So the blame doesn’t all fall to me, does it?

What happens now? I can’t do anything, can I? I fucked up my kids’ lives. I’ve made it too hard for them to have friends… too easy for them to be teased. I really am a horrible parent. And I can’t fix it. Even if I immediately start doing everything ‘right’, I can’t change things. It’s too late.

I am a complete failure and this time, and I didn’t just fuck up my own life… it’s my children… so it’s a million times worse.

Final assessment: I am a terrible parent. I’ve fucked things up that can’t be fixed. This time, I am completely hopeless. But I don’t even give a fuck how I feel anymore. These are my kids and I’ve failed them miserably.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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34 Responses to moody monday. #5 #parenting #isuckatit

  1. I hate that feeling. It’s one I feel frequently. But, unless you’ve done something really crazy, you haven’t fucked them up. I know it feels that way. But it’s irrational. If you love them, protect them, teach them right from wrong, then you haven’t fucked them up at all.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. If only parenting came with a manual, huh?
    I think we all do the best we can, and sometimes, especially in a world that feels like society crumbles around us, we are going to protect our kids. And I would rather be overprotective than not and have something horrendous happen to my kids. But to question if we did the right thing or not is completely normal and in time, your kids will begin to understand the reasoning for your decisions.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for this. I just really feel like I screwed up and unless I find a time machine, I can’t fix it… I can’t even make it better. I don’t know how to deal with that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, you make a new storyline. You take what you know and you make the changes you feel will be right. I have a daughter, who is now an adult, that I am just realizing how many mistakes I made raising her. I can’t change it and knocking the smart mouth off her face, as tempting as it is, will create more problems. Sometimes, grinning and bearing it can be the needed solution. Life is never stagnant and always changes. It just is.
        And a mother’s love is always needed – even when it feels like it isn’t.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It is my fault my son has no decent friends. And I think he may think so too. I have good kids. They’re the one thing I thought was good in my life. But I don’t think they’re as happy as they should be. And I can’t fix it. I can’t fix anything.

    Like

  4. I don’t think you’ve screwed up your kids at all! My parents were over protective too, I couldn’t go out late or walk around by myself. I had boundaries and at times I hated them but I grew up to appreciate them. Compare that with my friend who was allowed to do whatever she wanted, go where ever she wanted, her parents took a backseat to her being happy – and by grade 12 she had had (literally) 6 abortions. SIX. Now, I’m not saying that would happen to your kids if you weren’t “over protective” but I would take parents who care about my well-being and safety any day and twice on Sundays.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ps: I don’t think you’re being over protective at all!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You’ve got yourself into a vicious circle Sandra. You thought it was maybe your fault that other obnoxious children picked on your son because of how you’ve brought him up, then you’ve convinced yourself that “YES it is my fault”. You’ve already acknowledged that there is nothing you can do about it to correct any perceived lack on your part, but still you worry about what you should, or might, have done differently.

    It may well be that, however the other boys behaved on Friday, they see it purely as a right of passage. Today may have been perfectly OK for your son. Ask him about his day, as light heartedly as you can. Give him a hug if he needs it, and if he will accept Mom hugs. Support him in whatever way he needs without showing you are over anxious.

    I know it’s easy from a distance, but it really will get better. Hugs from afar.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are not a failure. Just because them little feckers were allowed do what they liked doesn’t mean their parents were great. If anything they were the bad parents, letting their kids wander all over town whenever they liked.We are all different and we all parent in different ways. The main thing is you love your kids and they love you. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Doesn’t sound to me like you care about the other kids more than your son does. Ok he was upset and that little fucker bullied him, but he’ll get over it. Little shit doesn’t sound like the kind of friend I’d want for my kids anyway. Show offs and bullies don’t make good mates. Your son will find his way and he’ll make friends. Stop torturing yourself. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just hate that my son feels left out and like he has no friends. I feel like I could have (should have) done things differently to stop this from happening. After Friday’s incident, he was worried about going to school today and I hope to hell he is okay and the others are just leaving him alone. I told him to do his best to act like it never happened… but I don’t know if the other kids will do that.

      I just wish I was better at this. I have made so many mistakes that I can’t fix.

      Like

  8. jackcollier7 says:

    You can’t live someones life for them, not even your kid’s. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. From what you’ve said, I don’t think you have been overprotective. It sounds like you are giving your children good values to use later in life. Has your son or daughter made a friend at martial arts? I know it’s hard to wait it out, but hopefully things will get better soon ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • They’ve mentioned a couple of kids from karate but usually it’s my daughter… and because they started when they did, my son is one of the oldest in their class. Hopefully they will be moving to a higher level class sooner with some older kids. Thanks, Diane ♥

      Like

  10. Yes. You sound exactly like me. I hear ya and no exactly where you’re coming from! I’m going to follow your blog! Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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