moody monday. #4 visions and beliefs.

moody monday.

I had this vision… a picture in my head of something I wanted to make. So I sat down with my laptop… opened my poor excuse for a graphics program and started working. And then I finished. And it looked nothing like my vision. Crap. It was crap. Okay… it was crap to me.

I do this a lot – set out to make something with a picture of the end result already in my head. And when the actual result doesn’t match, I feel that it’s a failure. Maybe it’s still good… but not to me. Maybe I work better without a preconceived vision. Or maybe I’m just not that good.

So much for my vision.

Now let’s talk about beliefs. Or… I’ll talk about beliefs. And why I have none.

I’m not going to get into a whole thing about religion. That’s a touchy subject and I’m not interested in getting into a debate or in someone trying to impose their faith on me. But here’s my thing: Whoever is looking out for me, if anyone, is just mean. I’d rather believe there’s no one than believe someone hates me that much.

I think I’m cursed. Or I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve good things. Or I’m the punch line in some horrible other-worldly life-long joke.

Don’t misunderstand… I don’t want to be someone who walks around with a sunshine stick up her ass. That’s not me and I don’t want it to be. Oh, hell no. But damn.

Have you ever watched a tv show (usually a comedy) where there’s one character for whom everything goes wrong? It’s funny, right? We laugh. We usually know what’s going to happen next because we know it’ll be whatever the character doesn’t want. It’ll be the worst-case scenario.

I am that character. And maybe someone is laughing at me. Maybe whatever universal phenomenon is supposed to watch over me needed some comic relief. So glad I could help.

Except… at the end of that sitcom or movie, something usually works out for that character. Maybe even everything. So we feel justified in laughing at the poor guy (or girl) because it all worked out in the end.

When does my show end? When does it all work out for me? Do I literally have to wait until the end? Are things going to suddenly start working out when I’m 80? 90? Is that the end of my show? Because that’s a long fucking show. By then, no one will be watching. Including me.

Final assessment: I feel beaten. Unworthy. Powerless. But… not completely hopeless. So… yay. (Sarcasm.)


©2017 what sandra thinks

Advertisements

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in personal, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to moody monday. #4 visions and beliefs.

  1. Smart assed til the bitter end. I like that about you. As for this post, I liked it. But I loved the last two sentences. See? A writer. 😊

    Oh, and let your creations be fluid, in both expected outcome and in going with a new flow. Anticipate the result, but don’t get discouraged by a change in direction. Let it work itself out organically.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I “like” the post purely to acknowledge that I’ve read it. I do not LIKE it, and I’m sure that no-one else does who has ticked the box!

    Sandra, you write some beautiful posts, you have brilliant ideas, you make marvellous things (just look to the right at “what Sandra makes” everyone).

    Lots of people love you for what you write, what you think, what you do, and who you are.

    You now have to start loving yourself!

    Promise me, and promise everyone else here who does not really LIKE this post.

    Love and hugs.
    xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks. You know, I never truly have loved myself… I’m not quite sure I know how. I wish I could do it… but the bad always seems to outweigh the good… and I end up feeling that this is just how I am… that I can’t change it…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Clichés are a waste of time, so I will not even try. Yes, dammit, I will.
        THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CAN’T. There is won’t, sharn’t, can’t be bothered.
        There is let’s start by liking what I am, not wishing I was something else. Let’s start by thinking of just one positive thing a day.
        Here ends the lesson. Breathe – and – SMILE!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I actually think there is such a thing as can’t… but it doesn’t really matter.

          I guess my issue is that I don’t like what I am… so that’s why I’m always wishing…

          I do that “one positive thing” bit. But I think I’m doing it wrong. Those thoughts repeat… because I can’t think of new ones. For every positive thought, a bunch of negative ones jump in.

          And, of course, none of this can stop the external bad luck I always have… like the jerk hitting my car. I am just cursed with the worst luck ever.

          Okay… that’s enough… I’m shutting up now.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Meg says:

    Right to what Peter said, not liking! Making a vision come to life takes practice and patience and a lot of do overs. I have sketch books full of crappy drawings and notebooks full of ideas I couldn’t get off the ground. I think its universal amongst artists and creative people. So just don’t stop trying. Look instead at the successes you’ve had – they’re more than you think!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Am I the one with the sunshine stick? I think I might be…..

    And I like your graphic! I didn’t realise that you make them all by hand. Do you do it for all the graphics you post? That’s super impressive, Sandra. If I tried to do that, then I would end up with it looking like it was made by a 3-year-old.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Marquessa says:

    Not completely hopeless? You’re not hopeless….look at your beautiful creations!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. nkdwhtguy says:

    “sunshine stick” Love it.

    Liked by 1 person

thoughts? talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s