what sandra thinks

blame.

Posted on 2 October 2018 by what sandra thinks

Why is it so hard for me to believe that everything’s not my fault?

I try to tell myself that’s not true, but I don’t believe me. What takes over is… something else.

Everything wrong in every part of my life is my own fault. I caused all of it. I made things this way. Everything about everything—kids, money, home, love, friends, emotions, and even back pain.

When the kids are upset about something, I am consumed by all the things I wish I could give them or do for them that could have prevented or fixed it (whatever ‘it’ is). And, of course, it’s my fault I don’t have those things or can’t do them.

When I notice that my kids have inherited something crappy from me, that’s my fault.

When something in our (old) house needs help, I should be able to fix it, replace it, or at least make it better because I’m unemployed and home. If it doesn’t improve, you guessed it—my fault.

When I want to do something special (or even not so special) and I can’t afford it, that’s on me.

When I’m lonely, it’s because I don’t know how to talk to people and I suck at making friends. And it’s because I wanted love so much that I made myself believe I had it when I don’t think I ever really did. Or I had it, but I was blind and threw it away.

When I feel terrible, it’s because of something I did… something I brought on myself.

When my back hurts, I get so angry with myself that I didn’t seek help sooner because maybe then, something would have actually helped.

When I’m down at my lowest, it’s because of the bad decisions I’ve made. I got myself here. I’m supposed to believe that it’s an illness… that it’s not my fault. And I try to believe that. But I always seem to blame myself anyway. Medication? I shouldn’t need it because I created my own depression by doing things wrong… so I should be able to make it better on my own, too, shouldn’t I?

It’s all me.

Am I wrong? It doesn’t seem like I’m wrong.

Posted in anxiety, depression, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, whatsandrathinks, writing | 25 Comments

which way challenge. 09.27.18

Posted on 30 September 2018 by what sandra thinks

Hi there. Thought I’d share something for last Thursday’s Which Way Challenge since I’m otherwise missing from here. Feeling alone and out of touch…

Stairs. I wish I lived in the house just behind them.

Once again, a thrilling post from me. Please accept my apologies.

Posted in challenge, photography, writing | Tagged challenge, life, photography, whatsandrathinks, whichwaychallenge, writing | 19 Comments

sleep.

Posted on 21 September 2018 by what sandra thinks

bed.

I think I’m doing it wrong.

I know I should try going to sleep earlier so I can get one solid reasonably-long block of sleep. But it just doesn’t happen.

Edited to add: This is not because I can’t sleep. I have absolutely no trouble sleeping. It’s not an insomnia thing or anything like that. I can sleep. It’s just when I do it or don’t do it that’s a problem.

I’m not willing to give up my late night television ritual. Which doesn’t end until about 1:30 am.

The Daily Show | The Late Show with Stephen Colbert | Late Night with Seth Meyers

You may ask… Why not just watch them in the morning? It’s easy enough to do that. But… it’s not the same if I don’t watch in real-time. The magic is lost. I need the magic.

[Aside: My 13-year old son watches these shows with me. And then he has to wake up at 6:30 for school. I am a bad influence.]

But this late night tv situation isn’t the worst part.

My mood is always better at night. I don’t want to sleep through that. So what happens instead is that I get about four hours of sleep… then I wake up and be the mom. After I take the kids to school (two different schools with start times an hour apart), I return home and go back to bed.

That’s the worst part: I have been trying to ‘beat‘ my hopeless, sad, lonely boredom by sleeping through it.

What’s even more pathetic is that it doesn’t even work. It only delays those unbearable feelings. Maybe it shortens how long they last… a little. But usually not noticeably.

I’ve tried so many things that I’ve either thought of on my own or heard from others. I try to keep busy. Cleaning, walking, getting out of the house any way I can think of, writing (fail), taking pictures (I suck). I take the recommended vitamins for my gender/age/issues. I take everything else professionals have recommended. I eat a healthy diet.

In short, if I have the ability to try something, I’ve tried it. If I can afford to do it, I’ve done it.

But here we are.

Maybe I need a nap.

Posted in depression, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, sleep, whatsandrathinks, writing | 39 Comments

which way challenge. 09.13.18

Posted on 16 September 2018 by what sandra thinks

Hello. I’m back with more pictures for the Which Way Challenge.

The rotary. [That’s a roundabout to many of you, isn’t it?]
A place where I have yelled more obscenities at other drivers than anywhere else. Vehicles in the rotary have the right of way, people!

No, this is not my home/path. On the left is a church. A block to the right is my kids’ karate studio.

These are really exciting, I know. Try to contain yourselves.

Posted in challenge, photography, writing | Tagged challenge, life, photography, whatsandrathinks, whichwaychallenge, writing | 19 Comments

song of the day. #63 #music

Posted on 14 September 2018 by what sandra thinks

song of the day.

I have been waiting a long-ass time for new music from Hozier. Finally… I got some. A four-song EP. That’s it… we get four songs. He’s killing me. But they are good.

[Irrelevant note: in the cover pic, he looks evil. And kind of like he has vampire fangs.]

Shrike | Hozier

I couldn’t utter my love when it counted
Ah, but I’m singing like a bird, ’bout it now
And I couldn’t whisper when you needed it shouted
Ah, but I’m singing like a bird, ’bout it now

Words hung above
But never would form
Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn
Remember me love, when I’m reborn
As a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn

[partial lyrics]

Posted in music, writing | Tagged Hozier, music, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 31 Comments

which way challenge. 09.06.18

Posted on 10 September 2018 by what sandra thinks

I don’t know if this is going to be a regular thing… but I might get my ass kicked if I don’t at least try. Because of the new host. Of course, after this one week, I may be out of pictures…

Since the Which Way Challenge is posted every Thursday, I think that means I have a week to post… as long as I do it before the next Thursday. I’m going with that. So I guess this goes with the Sept 6th post.

This is my first time. If my pictures suck, just lie to me.

Steps to one of the libraries I like visiting…

A path into the corn. [And there’s one of those horrible corn mazes, too. I hate them. I think I might be mildly claustrophobic or something.]

Posted in challenge, photography, writing | Tagged challenge, life, photography, whatsandrathinks, whichwaychallenge, writing | 30 Comments

writer’s death.

Posted on 5 September 2018 by what sandra thinks

workspace.

I don’t write anymore and I hate it.

I used to look forward to having time to sit down with my laptop and write to my heart’s content. Fiction, poetry, and whatever else came to mind.

But that is no more.

Now, when I sit down with my laptop, I am despondent.

First, I scan through my 70 or 80 or more emails. (It varies depending on how many days have passed since I last tried to catch up.) Most of them, I know, I will never get to.

[Aside: I’m sorry I haven’t kept up with all of you. I am trying but failing. Whenever I sit down and start reading, I start to panic. I don’t even understand why. Maybe I should just stop everything. I honestly don’t know.]

Then I try to write. I read through my idea list (which sucks, by the way). I revisit my draft posts. Sometimes I read some of my old published posts. Instead of inspiring me, though, those old posts make me cry.

I used to write. I used to write well. I miss looking forward to writing… happy to have time to write. But I don’t look forward to it. Not anymore. Instead, I have hopeless boredom and no inspiration or ability to write anything. When I could write, I never felt the hopeless boredom that plagues me now. But I cannot find anything inside me. Most days, I don’t even pick up my laptop. When I glance over at it, I feel sadness… almost sickness. Like it’s just lying there mocking me. If it could talk, it would say, “You are dead to me, Sandra. Don’t even touch me.”

I know I have no obligation to post here. No obligations to anyone. I know this. It feels like I’ve already [mostly] lost my little ‘community‘ that I had here. I could just disappear. Some days, I think that would be best. For me, I mean. Because when my laptop mocks me, staying away from it seems to be the best option. But that makes me sad, too. The quintessential no-win situation.

Trying upsets me. Sometimes, being around here at all upsets me. But writing was my way out of my own head. You were my way out. And I need that. It’s not because I feel obligated to write for you. It’s because I want to write. For me. I just want to write. Period.

If I didn’t care, it would be easier. But I want to be able to write again. I miss it so much. Other than the not-really-fiction story I was inexplicably able to write for last April’s A to Z challenge, I haven’t written any new fiction for well over a year… probably going on two years. It’s not writer’s block… it’s writer’s death.

Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad if I had a substitute activity in my life. A substitute anything. But I don’t have anything. Nothing interests me. Nothing excites me. Not like writing used to. I just want to be there again.

Writing was always my escape. Now I don’t have one.

Posted in blogging, life, writing | Tagged anxiety, blogging, depression, life, whatsandrathinks, writing | 78 Comments

reasons fall sucks.

Posted on 29 August 2018 by what sandra thinks

I touched upon this in an earlier post but I felt the need to elaborate. I’m probably not going to convince anyone that I’m right about fall (unless you already hate it like I do), but that isn’t my mission anyway. I just enjoy expressing my feelings… in a bitchy way.

reasons fall sucks.

1. The kids are back in school. My daughter, especially, has been in a ‘mom-phase‘. We spent a huge amount of time together this summer. I’m going to miss that.

2. I have too much alone time. That means my brain works overtime… creating all sorts of worst-case scenarios. That means I am a huge mess.

3. It is not even September yet and the school supplies are already being cleared out for Halloween stuff and Christmas stuff, for fuck’s sake! I hate Christmas. But that’s a whole different list. I think I’ve even made one before. Maybe I will make another one. I’m probably going to repeat myself. Deal with it.

4. Enough with the pumpkin spice shit already! First of all, pumpkin is gross. Does all this pumpkin spice crap taste like pumpkin? Or is it just the ‘spice‘ part that’s in these flavored things? I’ve never been clear on that. But no matter. It has gone way overboard. I already want it to go away. They have pumpkin spice Frosted Flakes now. Don’t fuck with my Frosted Flakes, dammit. Is nothing sacred?

5. My tan is already fading. I know… the sun is bad for my skin. Whatever. I know… terrible attitude. I don’t care… I look better with a tan.

6. At some point, sooner than I would like, I’m going to have to stop wearing sandals. I love sandals. I hate socks. Don’t get me started on socks with sandals. What the fuck is that?? (Apparently, it’s all the rage in middle school…)

But wearing sandals isn’t over yet… since this happened today (yeah, my car thinks ‘outside’ is two words)…