I think I’m doing it wrong.

I know I should try going to sleep earlier so I can get one solid reasonably-long block of sleep. But it just doesn’t happen.

Edited to add: This is not because I can’t sleep. I have absolutely no trouble sleeping. It’s not an insomnia thing or anything like that. I can sleep. It’s just when I do it or don’t do it that’s a problem.

I’m not willing to give up my late night television ritual. Which doesn’t end until about 1:30 am.

The Daily Show | The Late Show with Stephen Colbert | Late Night with Seth Meyers

You may ask… Why not just watch them in the morning? It’s easy enough to do that. But… it’s not the same if I don’t watch in real-time. The magic is lost. I need the magic.

[Aside: My 13-year old son watches these shows with me. And then he has to wake up at 6:30 for school. I am a bad influence.]

But this late night tv situation isn’t the worst part.

My mood is always better at night. I don’t want to sleep through that. So what happens instead is that I get about four hours of sleep… then I wake up and be the mom. After I take the kids to school (two different schools with start times an hour apart), I return home and go back to bed.

That’s the worst part: I have been trying to ‘beat‘ my hopeless, sad, lonely boredom by sleeping through it.

What’s even more pathetic is that it doesn’t even work. It only delays those unbearable feelings. Maybe it shortens how long they last… a little. But usually not noticeably.

I’ve tried so many things that I’ve either thought of on my own or heard from others. I try to keep busy. Cleaning, walking, getting out of the house any way I can think of, writing (fail), taking pictures (I suck). I take the recommended vitamins for my gender/age/issues. I take everything else professionals have recommended. I eat a healthy diet.

In short, if I have the ability to try something, I’ve tried it. If I can afford to do it, I’ve done it.

But here we are.


Maybe I need a nap.


©2018 what sandra thinks


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy, too. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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39 Responses to sleep.

  1. The V Pub says:

    What are you doing up so late? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. gigglingfattie says:

    I’m sorry you can’t sleep! I was given advice a few weeks back when I was having a hard time sleeping: that if you can’t fall asleep after 30 mins to get out of bed and do something else. Anything else! I did it a few nights in a row and all it took was 20 minutes of out of bed to be all sleepy.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh, love. I understand.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel your pain. I’m a night owl so it’s really difficult for me to fall asleep at a decent hour.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Wait… did this post make it sound like I have trouble sleeping? You’re the second person who seems to think that. But that’s not the case. I can sleep. No problem at all. I just stay up for late night tv… and then I have been sleeping all day to avoid my life. That, I think, is the unhealthy pathetic part. *sigh*

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, I followed what you were saying. I was just agreeing that it’s hard to go to bed at a decent time for me too. I can’t come back and go back to bed. But, I couldn’t even if it were an option. Once I’m up, I’m up. I hate not being able to nap. My body just won’t let me.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Sometimes it takes me a while to fall asleep after I drop off the kids… but I can do it. The problem is that I’m doing it because I don’t want to face the day. And I have slept for hours… getting up with about an hour to grab a shower before I go pick up the kids. It’s so unhealthy… and I know it… but I can’t find another way to make it through the days.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Coping mechanisms are often not the best for us. But, they help us cope….somehow. It’s easy for us out here to give advice and throw around cliches and shit, but we aren’t you. I’ll never criticize how somebody makes it through. How they cope when things aren’t great. I just wish you didn’t feel the need to. 😕

            Liked by 2 people

  5. Prior... says:

    I like what son of beach said – how not to judge and all.
    And the three shows you mentioned are likely an intimate part of your social side – it is familiar, comfortable, and satisfying.
    However – there does seem to be some conflict here as you consider your overall schedule –
    And knowing what I now know about sleep and the immune system – and brain and gut health –
    Well I would do my best to help my tween get as much sleep as possible –
    We need that sleep for neorlogical cleaning and for immune health – and well… even momma could benefit with more of it.
    This might not work for you – but I have heard of folks “fasting” from shows and familiar routine in order to get freshness and to enjoy life more –
    Sometimes our routine is not the thing that fills our cup the most and we don’t see it until we fast and break the cycle – or we fast and return to appreciate it and see it in a new life.
    Someone once said the unexamined life is not worth living –
    And for
    Folks – they examine (their life, schedule, MO, habits) and then need to problem solve and plan to set intentions that lead to a rich life (one that leads to wellness and the physical
    Health underpins so much)

    Liked by 2 people

    • I know my schedule, routine, etc. isn’t good. I can’t seem to break it, though. I have tried but I can’t find a way to make it through the day without sleeping to avoid my life. I know it’s unhealthy but the alternative leaves me crushed and broken. I don’t have anything fulfilling in my life. (Beyond being mom, I mean.) Feeling so empty like I do, I find it impossible to find motivation to do anything… to change anything. I can’t even think of what I could do to enjoy life. Even if I stopped everything I’m currently doing, I don’t know what I’d do instead. And having nothing to do is the biggest source of sadness and hopelessness in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. foodzesty says:

    Have you tried Valerian Tea?? If not you should if you can find it, I had trouble sleeping due to stress, (unemployed) etc but for a year now I have been drinking a cup of tea before I go to bed and I sleep much better.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t have any trouble sleeping. Not at all. The issue is that I go to sleep during the day to avoid my life… my stress (also unemployed). And the hours I sleep are kind of messed up/split up… but that’s because I have to get up with the kids in the morning, not because I can’t sleep. I think it’s bad that I go back to sleep after I drop them off at school… but I don’t want to face the day so I hide (sleep) to avoid it. It’s not good…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hunida says:

    I’m the same way, I feel so much happier and better at night. The daytime stresses me out!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. I’m suffering from painful shingles and might get two hours a night and then attempt to work. On a positive note that’s really cool you and your son stay up and watch the shows together. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so sorry about what you’ve been dealing with. I am going to try to catch up on reading/commenting today. I did read your post. It sounds terrible. 🙁 I am okay with sleeping usually, but forcing myself to sleep more during the day to avoid my crappy life is not healthy. I just can’t find another way to cope…

      My son even asked me this weekend when Saturday Night Live is back for the new season. He is bored with the repeats. lol


  9. I’m similar in that I like staying up late. Three nights of the week I have to work until midnight and don’t get to sleep until around 1 am. It kind of builds the rest of my week into the same routine. Although I end up taking naps in the middle of the day and have come to love them. As silly as it sounds I look forward to an hour and a half nap around noon like it’s the greatest thing on the planet. It recharges me so I can stay up late and do whatever and then when I’m tired a bit in the morning I know I’ll have that coming up a little later.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Liebster Award | No Love for Fatties

  11. jrvincente says:

    I’m terrible about getting enough sleep. I feel you. :/

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I sleep at crazy times too. Before it was a night owl thing – also when you don’t necessarily have a set schedule, it’s very easy to just fall asleep at crazy times.

    That being said, I think the best thing one can do is have a good sleeping routine that they stick to. I’m desperately trying to figure one out for myself to no avail…🙈😣

    Liked by 1 person

    • My sleep-to-avoid-my-life thing has kind of become my routine. That’s bad. Do I really want to just sleep to let time pass so I don’t have to live through it awake? What kind of life is that?

      Of course, now it’s almost 1 in the morning and I have to be up at 7. And I doubt I’ll be asleep before 2 or 3. Yeah, not a great routine…

      Liked by 1 person

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