writer’s death.

workspace.

I don’t write anymore and I hate it.

I used to look forward to having time to sit down with my laptop and write to my heart’s content. Fiction, poetry, and whatever else came to mind.

But that is no more.

Now, when I sit down with my laptop, I am despondent.

First, I scan through my 70 or 80 or more emails. (It varies depending on how many days have passed since I last tried to catch up.) Most of them, I know, I will never get to.

[Aside: I’m sorry I haven’t kept up with all of you. I am trying but failing. Whenever I sit down and start reading, I start to panic. I don’t even understand why. Maybe I should just stop everything. I honestly don’t know.]

Then I try to write. I read through my idea list (which sucks, by the way). I revisit my draft posts. Sometimes I read some of my old published posts. Instead of inspiring me, though, those old posts make me cry.

I used to write. I used to write well. I miss looking forward to writing… happy to have time to write. But I don’t look forward to it. Not anymore. Instead, I have hopeless boredom and no inspiration or ability to write anything. When I could write, I never felt the hopeless boredom that plagues me now. But I cannot find anything inside me. Most days, I don’t even pick up my laptop. When I glance over at it, I feel sadness… almost sickness. Like it’s just lying there mocking me. If it could talk, it would say, “You are dead to me, Sandra. Don’t even touch me.

I know I have no obligation to post here. No obligations to anyone. I know this. It feels like I’ve already [mostly] lost my little ‘community‘ that I had here. I could just disappear. Some days, I think that would be best. For me, I mean. Because when my laptop mocks me, staying away from it seems to be the best option. But that makes me sad, too. The quintessential no-win situation.

Trying upsets me. Sometimes, being around here at all upsets me. But writing was my way out of my own head. You were my way out. And I need that. It’s not because I feel obligated to write for you. It’s because I want to write. For me. I just want to write. Period.

If I didn’t care, it would be easier. But I want to be able to write again. I miss it so much. Other than the not-really-fiction story I was inexplicably able to write for last April’s A to Z challenge, I haven’t written any new fiction for well over a year… probably going on two years. It’s not writer’s block… it’s writer’s death.

Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad if I had a substitute activity in my life. A substitute anything. But I don’t have anything. Nothing interests me. Nothing excites me. Not like writing used to. I just want to be there again.

Writing was always my escape. Now I don’t have one.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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75 Responses to writer’s death.

  1. Elan Mudrow says:

    Maybe you could try to write in a style you’re not used to. Start it and try to see it through. Like a horror story or something. Even if it isn’t “good”… whatever that’s supposed to mean. Even if one person reads what you have written, you are touching another human being. Like me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I could try something different. I don’t know, though, because I’m having trouble finding inspiration and motivation to write anything at all. I think I’m just in a really bad place, and I’m having trouble getting out of it. But I appreciate you saying what you did about the things I do write.

      Like

  2. mandibelle16 says:

    It’s okay to not let yourself write for awhile. Just to scribble notes or ideas for a better time. Maybe this is your brain needing a break or different stimulation for ideas. This too shall pass. It’s a true fact, you’ll find your muse again. And sometimes, you just write anyways & even if it feels like garbage to you, you write anyways. Because after a while when you don’t realize it, but it comes back. The anxiety and panic recedes too. You wrote this, that’s a start. If not let your mind pause & take a break. Thinking of you Sandra. It will be okay. Hugs girl.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s just been so long that I really don’t think I’m ever going to write much of anything again. It makes me sad. I just feel so empty.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mandibelle16 says:

        I’m sorry Sandra. What do think could fill that emptiness? Maybe some new activity that interest you. Or my design and artistic stuff, you’re really good at that!

        Liked by 2 people

        • I wish I could think of something. I’ve just not been inspired for anything creative at all… not art or design or writing.

          Liked by 1 person

          • mandibelle16 says:

            How about colouring? Get one detailed, but not too detailed, so you can play with color in the design & not worry to much about small details.,Use good pencil crayons such as Prism. They Are great for blending & overlapping or try some great markers from the art section of the craft store, which can also work in this matter. Stettler has a good mix of colors and is a great brand 🙂 Perhaps u can find coupons too. We have a Michaels craft store here & they always have 40 to 50 percent off coupons each week, it’s a good way to buy quality art supplies. Also knitting was my other idea. Knit yourself or your kids a blanket or a scarf?
            Paint your house? Room by room? Good paint isn’t so expensive, especially if you do it slowly.
            Paint a picture for your bedroom/ living room. Your own idea or copy a painting you like from any designer store or online. Read?

            Liked by 2 people

  3. Meg says:

    You can write. It’s just fiction and poetry that you’re struggling with. This post is a perfect example. So what if you tried telling a true story? Report on a favorite childhood memory or a funny anecdote about your family or friends from back in school/college? It would keep you writing like a journalist at least. It might tide you over until you get a good idea for fiction or a poem. I hope this helps. Sending love.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. ♥ I will try to write about my life or something like that. It’s hard because I feel like I’m out of ideas… even if I try to write about my own life! I am just so empty. My life is empty. Nothing happens so there’s nothing to draw from. I think all of this is also because of the other stuff in my life but I haven’t been able to resolve any of those things. I can’t even explain it. I have ideas of things to do to at least distract myself but I just sit there and cry. I guess I could explain it better if I divulged everything that’s bad right now but I can’t do that. It’s embarrassing what a mess my whole life is.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is how I felt at the start of the summer and then I didn’t make any writing posts all summer. A few nail art ones but that’s it. Two months of not writing and now I’m actually excited to be back

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Never say never…on anything. It’s in there still.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Laura says:

    I love all of these comments on here because they’re all right in different ways. Take a break if you want it, the writing will still be here when you come back. Except it sounds like you’re not happy on a break, so just write. Spilling your thoughts onto paper/screen will get them out of your head whether you publish or not. I’ve been where you are — so very sorry you’re dragging through.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right… I’m not happy being on a break. I never wanted to take one. I didn’t plan it. It just happened… for a few reasons, I guess. I’ve just been having that blank screen thing for a very long time. It’s like I forgot how to write. The words just don’t come…

      Like

  7. The V Pub says:

    Music has always been my place of escape and solace. When my best friend died this past February, music was stolen from me. He was my co-writer and drummer, so a big part of me left that day. For months, I felt the pressure to play, write and record. Nada. Nothing came to me. I thought of selling off everything that I’d built in my studio and thought that I needed to do something drastic like that in order to get out of the funk that I was in. I walked away from it for five months and then, on the sixth month, I started to want to write again. And I did. The point? Don’t force it. It will come back to you in due time. How long that time is, I can’t say. But what I can tell you is that I was in a very dark place and many things had crossed my mind. In the end, the place that had been my solace, and the thing that kept me sane for so many years, had come back to me. Like an old friend that you haven’t seen for a while, but embrace when they return.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really hope I get the writing back eventually, but it really feels like I won’t. Like you said… nothing comes to me. I have thought about just not writing anymore… maybe finding a different escape. That’s not working either. I just have no passion for anything. I hope it does come back to me… or something else comes along because having nothing is awful.

      Thank you for sharing this. And I’m sorry again about your friend. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hunida says:

    I loved that A to Z story, Sandra. Possibly you could do a photography challenge again or something that doesn’t require too much but still gets you doing something creative?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jrvincente says:

    I hope you find your inspiration, even if it’s inspiration to do something other than write.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I understand the feeling that you described. That hopeless/boredom. I’ve felt it plenty of times, even when I’ve tried to psyche myself up or even just set time aside to write and I sit there and feel like I’m in a fog, or even if its not that just the complete disinterest in it for whatever reason. Sorry to hear you feel like this because I know it’s a combination of frustration and sadness.

    Hopefully you find your inspiration somewhere 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for this… for understanding. I feel like I fail at describing the feelings I get, but from what you said, I think you understand. Maybe that means I don’t sound totally crazy?!

      I try to get myself excited about writing — or even about something else — but it hasn’t been working. I wish I knew how to get the inspiration back… and while I’m at it, I could use some motivation, too…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Not crazy at all from my perspective. It’s almost like any emptiness when looking at it. But so difficult to pinpoint.

        I went long stretches without writing, months and months without even thinking about it. Then when I did I’d feel bad about it because I remembered how much I wanted to.
        The inspiration and motivation is hard. I tried forcing myself but it never worked. I think what ended up doing it was just yelling myself I wanted to write. Even if I didn’t some days. Almost like reminding myself.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. You are a writer and an artist and a photographer. Post whatever you feel like whenever. I think you will still be followed by most everyone. You’re just at a difficult place right now. If it would help, email me and I promise to be totally non judgemental. I’m a wonderful listener. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been at a difficult place for far too long… and I can’t find a way out. Lately, it’s been getting worse instead of better. I feel like I have no control over anything. Maybe I really am losing my mind.

      Thank you so much for offering to listen. ♥ I may take you up on that. I usually feel like I have no one to talk to. Sometimes, I try to forget everything so I don’t talk at all. Other times, I am desperate for a friend.

      Like

  12. We are still ere, we still see you, we still love you. You are still amazin

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hey! You’re a great writer! And although I don’t really comment on your stuff too much I wanted to say that it’s normal to go through periods where things aren’t their best.

    If you don’t have dark days, what do you compare to the brightest? If you never lost your inspiration how else would you truly know how much it meant?

    Even if the night is long and perilous, darkness ends and in the morning the sun shines brighter for it.

    I just know you’ll bounce back. And once it comes back I’ll be there ready to read whatever you put out 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Jeremy Vogan says:

    I know exactly what you mean. Sorry 😔

    Liked by 1 person

  15. WB says:

    Great writing. Another perspective on writer’s block. Interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This is so touching .

    Like

  17. kentucky55 says:

    This will pass in time and you’ll be that much better for it.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. We’re not going anywhere! x

    Liked by 1 person

  19. writergirl777 says:

    Don’t give up! I am also having difficulty getting back to my writing and have been avoiding doing so because it is such hard work. I hope you are able to break out of your writer’s block soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Miriam says:

    Hey, I just saw your latest post and the pictures you posted and they were great. Love that you’re trying new challenges. Keep doing that and pushing out of that comfort zone and you’ll be fine. Hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m still here even though I have been pretty MIA. I had a very bad bout of depression that wiped my blogging desire out of me. I just started to revisit my blog since my birthday.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Have you considered beta reading? Basically reading other people’s writing and helping them with it? It’s writing adjacent. Or, you could talk about your writing process – grammar advice etc. I’m sure a lot of people would be interested.

    As for the unread blog posts… Forget about them. Turn off all WordPress emails for most if not all of the blogs. Set up a daily or weekly digest if you need one. Once your inbox isn’t being flooded with emails, you will feel much better. Secondly, don’t worry about losing ‘people’. The ones that truly care about you will stick around. Do you really care about anyone else? (This is the part where you say no and see that I’m right about everything. LOL 😂).

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have great ideas. I wonder if I’d be helpful to anyone since I’m all dried up… lol.

      I do need to do something about my post notification emails. I get too many. But I’ve never been fond of the reader. I think I really need to reevaluate who I’m following. I don’t mean to be a bitch or anything, but I can’t read them all anyway.

      I shouldn’t care about anyone who doesn’t truly care about me. Although that sounds a little selfish.

      You’re right about everything. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • The reader sucks. I wish WordPress would allow an option for custom feeds. So you have the general people you follow and then maybe a separate one for the people you actually interact with. Otherwise I end up losing posts in the reader. I find that the people that post more tend to show up in the reader a lot while some blogs don’t even come up. There have been many times when I’m wondering about a blog only to find that they’ve been posting, I just didn’t see it. It’s very annoying, but I spend too much time on here as it is, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

        • That is just one of the many reasons I hate the reader. Also, I like to make my blog look nice, and if people read only in the reader, they don’t even see what I’ve done with the site. I shouldn’t care if they are reading, but I hate that. I also admit that there are blogs that I follow that I rarely read. Those end up in the reader and I have to sift through a lot of stuff I’m not *that* interested in. Is that mean? Maybe I shouldn’t be following those blogs.

          I did try to change a bunch of my notifications to daily or weekly digests… except for those I follow more closely. It turns out I follow a lot of people closely. It didn’t really help that much with the number of emails. I need to figure out something else because I have over 70 emails again right now…

          Liked by 1 person

          • I didn’t like the daily or weekly digests so I turned them off. There’s an option to turn off all WordPress emails that I’m tempted to use, but then I might not see comments (I sometimes log out of the app). I would say bookmark (or copy URLs) of the blogs you really want to follow so that when you have time – you can check them. Actually, an RSS feed would be good for that! I use one for my own blogs (lmaooo I’m weird like that), but I might add a few others to it. That way you can see when they post and you’re not inundated with emails.

            Aww. I have to admit that since I blog from my phone, I rarely see people’s layouts, but if you’re putting a lot of time into it that’s understandable. However, I would say make your blog look nice for yourself and not anyone else. You’ll be the one looking at if the most!

            No, I don’t think that’s mean. I have a really bad habit of following people who I notice liking my posts and because they never come up in the reader – I never click back into their blogs. I am terrible at interacting on here, but I know that it’s for the best if that makes sense? I can’t keep up with too many people at once because of the way my mind works so it works out well for me. That’s why sometimes I might end up liking ten posts in a row and commenting after the fact.

            I’m actually going to add a few more people to my feed, though.

            The downside of my system is that I end up living inside my own head via a mishmash of my own posts and drafts.

            Anyway, I’m digressing. You could also filter out the emails so that they don’t end up in your inbox. I used to do that for various things. I have over 34,000 unread emails on the account I use for WP and most of that is from various subscriptions so I understand how annoying and overwhelming it can be. I really need to do a deep purge LOL.

            Like

  23. manyofus1980 says:

    I hate when that happens, when you lose the will to write!It has happened to me before too! I don’t think you’ve lost your spark though or the community here. I see you’ve gotten plenty of feedback and responses on this. xox

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Tandi Tales says:

    Hang in there. Writer’s block can be overcome.

    Liked by 1 person

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