what sandra thinks

song of the day. #33

Posted on 11 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

You may recognize this song from the vitamin water tv commercial starring Aaron Paul. That may be the reason this song sticks in my head… but I don’t mind… I like that I keep singing this in the shower.

Watch the commercial because it’s cute. But listen to the whole song (second video, obviously) because it’s good.

John Baldwin Gourley (lead singer/writer) wrote one line (I’m a rebel just for kicks)… then wrote the rest of the song from that. I love that little anecdote because it happens to me all the time. I get one little bit that’s perfect and it spawns a whole story or a poem. (Not that it happens all the time… hell, I wish it would happen to me every damn day!)

The song speaks to the current state of the world, the U.S. especially (the band is from Alaska). If you listen to (or read) closely, you’ll find little bits about John’s daughter… and bits about the current state of the country and the world. It’s odd, almost, having all of that in the same song… but somehow, it works.

Can’t keep my hands to myself
Think I’ll dust ’em off, put ’em back up on the shelf
In case my little baby girl is in need
Am I coming out of left field?

Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it’s 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still

Got another mouth to feed
Leave it with a baby sitter, mama, call the grave digger
Gone with the fallen leaves
Am I coming out of left field?

Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might’ve had your fill, but you feel it still
Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it’s 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still

We could fight a war for peace
(Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now)
Give in to that easy living
Goodbye to my hopes and dreams
Start flipping for my enemies
We could wait until the walls come down
(Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now)
It’s time to give a little to the
Kids in the middle, but, oh until it falls
Won’t bother me

Is it coming?
Is it coming back?

Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, yeah
Your love is an abyss for my heart to eclipse, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still

Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
I’ve been feeling it since 1966, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it’s 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Might’ve had your fill, but I feel it still

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged music, portugal. the man, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 14 Comments

really?

Posted on 10 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

Meanwhile… in another segment stolen from Seth Meyers… Really!?!

Really?! Are you in such a hurry… are you so important… that you need to literally run to beat me to the fucking supermarket express check-out? It’s express, dumbass. Really?! I have 6 items. Exactly how long do you think this is going to take?

Really?! How the fuck am I supposed to change lanes on the highway to let you pass if you change and pass me on the right? Really? Don’t get all pissy and finger-y with me if you didn’t give me a chance to move over, you moron.

Really?! So… your phone is so fucking interesting that you aren’t listening to a word I’m saying…? But that’s not even the worst part! Did you seriously just turn to me and say the very same thing I just said 15 seconds ago? As though you had an original thought? Really!?! Bite me.

Really?! Do you think “Nice post. Check out my blog [insert blog url here]” is a real comment? Newsflash: it’s not. It’s an ad for your blog… which is spam. Really. It is. Oh hell, you probably didn’t even read my post where you left your spam! Really! Sadly, we’re not in Hawaii — spam’s not popular here. Off to the spam folder you go. And now, I’ll never visit your blog. A shame really… I may have liked it.

People. Really!?!

Posted in humor, writing | Tagged humor, whatsandrathinks, writing | 38 Comments

here’s the cake.

Posted on 9 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

My nephew’s birthday cake.

It’s really not very exciting… but a couple of you asked me to post…

I don’t really know what possessed me to volunteer to do this cake. Yeah, I enjoy it mostly, but there are always moments of anxiety when I realize that I am not, in fact, Duff, and it’s not going to look like a professional made it.

So.

When my sister told me my nephew was into Ben 10, I chose the simplest design possible. [Ben 10 is a Cartoon Network animated show. The kid has this watch thingy called an ‘omnitrix‘ that he uses to turn into various aliens so he can fight evil. (There have been, like, five different incarnations of this show. My son was into one version about six years ago, thus my extensive knowledge of the character.)]

Anyway… take a look at the watch on the cute kid’s wrist.

Like I said, simple design.

Voilà.

Gifts have become a problem. Kids have so much these days… it’s nearly impossible to figure out what else they could possibly want. So… I went with the universal gift… money. But I’m not just going to shove some bills into a card. That’s just not me. I made a little boat. Isn’t it cute?

The party (at my Mom’s like always) was nice… It was a gorgeous day and the pool was wonderful. Aside from a few snarky comments from my husband, one of my sisters (the mom of the birthday boy), and my now-8-year-old nephew, it was a good day. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I take things the wrong way. But sometimes, there seems to be only one way. Especially with a kid… one with no filter.

Now… what the hell am I going to do with all that extra black and green frosting in my fridge?

Posted in family, food, writing | Tagged baking, cake, family, food, whatsandrathinks, writing | 47 Comments

not in the party mood.

Posted on 8 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

This kid is not me. But the mood is perfect.

…
Tomorrow, I have to go to my nephew’s birthday party. It was kind of short notice since my sister forgot to tell me when it was. Yep… she totally forgot to tell me. I found out from Mom when I was at her house on Monday.

‘Are you coming back on Sunday for L’s party?‘

It’s not like my sister invited tons of people and left me out… it’s just family. It was just a question of her letting me know the date. I could have guessed based on L’s birthday being on Tuesday… but confirmation is good.

She’s not a good planner. And when she later texted, she was super-apologetic. It’s not a big deal. In a way, it was kind of funny, I suppose. It’s a little bit of a bummer, though, because most years, she asks me to make an invitation (yeah, even only for family… because everyone knows it’s my thing).

Then… during my text-conversation with my sister, one thing led to another… aaaand I volunteered to make the cake. Of course, I couldn’t have known that I’d be feeling so hellish today. Now I have to bake and decorate a cake and it feels like I have to move a fucking mountain. I’m not in a great place.

At least I get to dye part of the frosting black. And I get to lick it from my fancy offset spatula when I’m done. Yay me.

Posted in family, writing | Tagged family, whatsandrathinks, writing | 25 Comments

another today. #poetry

Posted on 8 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

another today. what sandra thinks

Some days
I just don’t think
I can do it
anymore.
Tomorrow
might be better
but
it might not…
and I don’t want
another today.

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 20 Comments

fiction friday 65: back to you. part 11. #fiction

Posted on 7 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

Continue reading →

Posted in fiction, fiction friday, romance, writing | Tagged back to you, fiction, fiction friday, fiction-tuesday, fictionfriday, romance, whatsandrathinks, writing | 31 Comments

unworthy.

Posted on 6 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

I have a trust problem. And it has nothing to do with the people in my life. It’s me. And it’s lonely as hell.

[Before you start shaking your head and running from this post thinking, ‘oh fuck, here we go again,’ please know that I am okay.]

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I’ve become convinced that because I have anxiety and depression and various other emotional/psychological deficiencies, no one could ever love me. After all, how could anyone ever love someone so fucked up? Someone who’s such a failure? Someone who’s so weak? In my mind, I cannot be loved. By anyone. Even myself. I’m unlovable. But it’s not an absence of love. It’s my lack of belief that anyone could love me. It’s my lack of belief that I am worthy.

I feel like I’ve had a revelation. I’m not sure I ever realized this quite this way before.

I’m insecure in most of my relationships. Maybe all of them. I don’t feel that I’m worthy of anyone’s love or friendship or anything else. I constantly feel like I have to prove I’m worthy because I think I’m not. And it doesn’t even matter if I come up with ways to show how worthy I am – they don’t work because I still don’t feel worthy. It’s all me. It’s not that others don’t think I’m worthy. It’s that I don’t believe it even if they do.

I don’t know how to change that. How does one find self-worth? Gain self-confidence? Squash insecurity? I’ve fought these battles my entire life. They’ve held me back and they always will… because I don’t believe these things can be changed. It’s kind of a ‘born this way’ thing.

I’ve heard all the self-help suggestions. [Just typing the words ‘self-help’ makes me cringe.] They don’t work. Telling myself a bazillion times that I’m wonderful and amazing and beautiful and kind and worthy doesn’t convince me that I am. I still don’t believe it. Keep trying? I have been trying since I was about 13 years old. If it’s not working by now, it’s time to face reality. It’s not going to work.

I need to move on to acceptance. But I can’t get there because I still want to believe.

I am exhausted from continually trying to prove my worth… my worth that I don’t even believe I have. How can I convince someone else to believe something I don’t believe myself? And why am I trying when I don’t even know that others need convincing at all? Eventually, my constant attempts to show that I’m worthy will backfire (if they haven’t already).

It’s like trying to convince your English Lit teacher that you really loved that book so enthusiastically that she realizes you never read the damn book.

And… I’ve caused the very thing I was trying to prevent. The uncovering of the truth.

I never read the book.

I’m unworthy.

I’m unlovable.

[Another disclaimer: Again, I’m not sitting around sobbing in devastation or anything like that. Despite the content and mood of this post (and the song below), I’m not ‘actively’ sad at the moment. But a light bulb came on and I had to write…]

[A little note: I’ve posted this song before… but it fits here so well I had to include it. Plus The Smiths… and Morrissey. ♥]

Posted in anxiety, depression, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, self-confidence, self-worth, whatsandrathinks, writing | 28 Comments

the pain. #poetry

Posted on 6 July 2017 by what sandra thinks

Don’t freak out… don’t worry — I am okay. This is yet another poem I discovered in yet another old journal. By the date, I can tell you that I wrote this just after a very upsetting break-up. Clearly, I was devastated.

undone.

As the knife in my heart
Twists and turns inside me
I reach and stretch and search
For something to stop the pain…
But there is nothing to grab
No escape… no way back
I can only hold
The pain
It is all I have
And all I am
And all I will be