unworthy.

I have a trust problem. And it has nothing to do with the people in my life. It’s me. And it’s lonely as hell.

[Before you start shaking your head and running from this post thinking, ‘oh fuck, here we go again,’ please know that I am okay.]

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I’ve become convinced that because I have anxiety and depression and various other emotional/psychological deficiencies, no one could ever love me. After all, how could anyone ever love someone so fucked up? Someone who’s such a failure? Someone who’s so weak? In my mind, I cannot be loved. By anyone. Even myself. I’m unlovable. But it’s not an absence of love. It’s my lack of belief that anyone could love me. It’s my lack of belief that I am worthy.

I feel like I’ve had a revelation. I’m not sure I ever realized this quite this way before.

I’m insecure in most of my relationships. Maybe all of them. I don’t feel that I’m worthy of anyone’s love or friendship or anything else. I constantly feel like I have to prove I’m worthy because I think I’m not. And it doesn’t even matter if I come up with ways to show how worthy I am – they don’t work because I still don’t feel worthy. It’s all me. It’s not that others don’t think I’m worthy. It’s that I don’t believe it even if they do.

I don’t know how to change that. How does one find self-worth? Gain self-confidence? Squash insecurity? I’ve fought these battles my entire life. They’ve held me back and they always will… because I don’t believe these things can be changed. It’s kind of a ‘born this way’ thing.

I’ve heard all the self-help suggestions. [Just typing the words ‘self-help’ makes me cringe.] They don’t work. Telling myself a bazillion times that I’m wonderful and amazing and beautiful and kind and worthy doesn’t convince me that I am. I still don’t believe it. Keep trying? I have been trying since I was about 13 years old. If it’s not working by now, it’s time to face reality. It’s not going to work.

I need to move on to acceptance. But I can’t get there because I still want to believe.

I am exhausted from continually trying to prove my worth… my worth that I don’t even believe I have. How can I convince someone else to believe something I don’t believe myself? And why am I trying when I don’t even know that others need convincing at all? Eventually, my constant attempts to show that I’m worthy will backfire (if they haven’t already).

It’s like trying to convince your English Lit teacher that you really loved that book so enthusiastically that she realizes you never read the damn book.

And… I’ve caused the very thing I was trying to prevent. The uncovering of the truth.

I never read the book.

I’m unworthy.

I’m unlovable.

[Another disclaimer: Again, I’m not sitting around sobbing in devastation or anything like that. Despite the content and mood of this post (and the song below), I’m not ‘actively’ sad at the moment. But a light bulb came on and I had to write…]

[A little note: I’ve posted this song before… but it fits here so well I had to include it. Plus The Smiths… and Morrissey. ♥]

I own no rights to the music in this post. Everything else: ©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to unworthy.

  1. It’s tough, to get over that which you’ve spent years convincing yourself is true. I can definitely relate to this. I feel for you. It’s a suck ass struggle to be constantly told you’re not good enough. By yourself. I’m not certain it’s something we ever completely rid ourselves of. I haven’t yet, at least.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You know how I said I was okay… I was just thinking today and I wrote this post? Yeah… that kind of went to hell. I feel like a giant failure right now. Nothing in particular… just everything. The kids are at karate and I’m sitting alone at home crying. I’m trying desperately to get every stupid bad thing out of my fucking head but it’s not working. I get rid of one and another replaces it… and then another… and then in circles. I want to throw up. And then go to sleep where I just have fucked up dreams instead.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Simon says:

    I don’t know how it feels but you are worth it. You are lovable! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Aw man. I understand. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I wish I had a ready answer for this post, but one thing I know is that you are worth it more than you think.

    Like

    • Thank you so much… I appreciate your kindness. I know that even if I never get there, I’m going to keep trying to convince myself. It’s exhausting but what other option is there? Thanks again.

      Like

  5. jackcollier7 says:

    It sound to me as though you are suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder ~ and there’s no easy way to get over that. My recovery started when I wrote a letter to myself, aged five, when I was innocent and free from pain and suffering.
    If you keep searching you will find your own road to recovery from anxiety and depression, but it will be your road and nobody can walk it for you.
    From your writing you are a good and likable person, so trust me, it does get better.
    Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your thoughts. I find it difficult to believe it will get better since it’s been going on for so long. Nothing seems to make enough of a difference.

      But still, I appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. And thanks for the hugs. ♥

      Like

  6. pluviolover says:

    You keep being you, and we’ll keep reading. It’s dark, but I enjoyed what you wrote. It is supposed to be what cha thinks.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you for your post, unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about.. In my life it manifested on so many occasions, with every relationship no matter how long, 2 5 or 12 years, ending cause, I believe, i could not accept for me to be worthy to someone so they had to leave or I would leave.. I have also been diagnosed with severe depression routing in early childhood, and I am fighting it every single day of my life… So not sure i have anything comforting to say except, what you already know, hang on, hold on, do your best under circumstances, one day at a time..

    Liked by 2 people

  8. alexraphael says:

    I read this twice. The comments too. Just know however dark the place, there’s always light on here from all of us 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. “It’s like trying to convince your English Lit teacher that you really loved that book so enthusiastically that she realizes you never read the damn book.”
    I relate to this very much and I wanted to say thank you for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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