I have a trust problem. And it has nothing to do with the people in my life. It’s me. And it’s lonely as hell.
[Before you start shaking your head and running from this post thinking, ‘oh fuck, here we go again,’ please know that I am okay.]
Somehow, somewhere along the way, I’ve become convinced that because I have anxiety and depression and various other emotional/psychological deficiencies, no one could ever love me. After all, how could anyone ever love someone so fucked up? Someone who’s such a failure? Someone who’s so weak? In my mind, I cannot be loved. By anyone. Even myself. I’m unlovable. But it’s not an absence of love. It’s my lack of belief that anyone could love me. It’s my lack of belief that I am worthy.
I feel like I’ve had a revelation. I’m not sure I ever realized this quite this way before.
I’m insecure in most of my relationships. Maybe all of them. I don’t feel that I’m worthy of anyone’s love or friendship or anything else. I constantly feel like I have to prove I’m worthy because I think I’m not. And it doesn’t even matter if I come up with ways to show how worthy I am – they don’t work because I still don’t feel worthy. It’s all me. It’s not that others don’t think I’m worthy. It’s that I don’t believe it even if they do.
I don’t know how to change that. How does one find self-worth? Gain self-confidence? Squash insecurity? I’ve fought these battles my entire life. They’ve held me back and they always will… because I don’t believe these things can be changed. It’s kind of a ‘born this way’ thing.
I’ve heard all the self-help suggestions. [Just typing the words ‘self-help’ makes me cringe.] They don’t work. Telling myself a bazillion times that I’m wonderful and amazing and beautiful and kind and worthy doesn’t convince me that I am. I still don’t believe it. Keep trying? I have been trying since I was about 13 years old. If it’s not working by now, it’s time to face reality. It’s not going to work.
I need to move on to acceptance. But I can’t get there because I still want to believe.
I am exhausted from continually trying to prove my worth… my worth that I don’t even believe I have. How can I convince someone else to believe something I don’t believe myself? And why am I trying when I don’t even know that others need convincing at all? Eventually, my constant attempts to show that I’m worthy will backfire (if they haven’t already).
It’s like trying to convince your English Lit teacher that you really loved that book so enthusiastically that she realizes you never read the damn book.
And… I’ve caused the very thing I was trying to prevent. The uncovering of the truth.
I never read the book.
[Another disclaimer: Again, I’m not sitting around sobbing in devastation or anything like that. Despite the content and mood of this post (and the song below), I’m not ‘actively’ sad at the moment. But a light bulb came on and I had to write…]
[A little note: I’ve posted this song before… but it fits here so well I had to include it. Plus The Smiths… and Morrissey. ♥]
I own no rights to the music in this post. Everything else: ©2017 what sandra thinks