what sandra thinks

moody monday. #11 #parenting (and more)

Posted on 23 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

moody monday.

I’m having a situation involving one of my kids again. Actually, it’s something I already mentioned in this post… the part about my son. I just wrote an entire post detailing the situation, but I decided not to get into it that deeply here. But I will try to sum up…

I’ve never seen low grades from my son… ever… in any class. He’s always been a straight A student. But this class…. well, in my opinion, if the class was being taught properly, my son understanding the concepts and knowing the rules and barely ever getting anything wrong on his homework would be enough for him to do well on tests and quizzes. But that’s not happening… for him or many other students in the class. We strongly feel that it’s the teacher.

After a not-at-all helpful parent/teacher conference last week and after much discussion over the weekend, I emailed the principal this morning. I have no idea if anything will come of it, but we felt that it was necessary. I’m anxious as hell now because (1) it might not even do any good (and hopefully doesn’t make things worse) and (2) I’m pretty sure this is going to result in a phone call or a meeting… and you know how I struggle with those things.

I feel like I am not cut out for this parenting thing. I get so upset over everything… big or small. Maybe I just don’t have the mental capacity.

• • • • •

I’m still having trouble getting myself out of the house. I guess it’s slightly better… but still. I have a few errands to do today but it’s almost 12:30 and I haven’t done them yet. I don’t know why this is such a problem for me. I have to do something… or I want to do something… but as soon as I think about it for more than about 30 seconds, I’ve talked myself out of going. What the hell is that? I hate it. I’ve gotten a little better about accomplishing things at home… but… am I really just lazy? No, I’m told… it’s not lazy… it’s the depression. I’ve heard that from several people now. But I always think saying ‘it’s the depression‘ is just making an excuse. Sigh.

• • • • •

Yesterday, I tried to get out of my own head. To relax. I drove to a nearby park (see? I went out… I’m not a total loss) and I went for a short walk. (I didn’t have a lot of time to myself.) It was kind of disappointing, though, because the unseasonably warm temperatures this fall have really screwed up the changing colors of the leaves. There was one particularly beautiful tree, though.

Final assessment: Anxious about the email thing. And a little down partially because I’m so tired from not enough sleep last night. And frustrated partially because I am struggling to get myself out of the house.

Posted in parenting, personal, writing | Tagged anxiety, moody monday, moodymonday, parenting, whatsandrathinks, writing | 25 Comments

two thousand. #blogging

Posted on 22 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

thank you neon.

I know I’ve said this in the past (and people say it all the time)…

“The numbers don’t matter to me.”

But the truth is, it’s hard not to let them matter… at least a little. We all want to think our words mean something. And for me, anyway, I also want to know someone’s out there. Caring.

House is my soulmate.

To know someone cares about what I have to say (and maybe even cares about me) keeps me writing (despite recent monumental writers’ block).

Now that I’ve surpassed 2000 followers, I should probably clean up my act. But I’m [a little too] in touch with reality. So that’s bloody unlikely. [I know… I’m not British.]

A lot has happened in the last two-plus years that I’ve been blogging. But I’m not going to recount all of it. I’ll just mention a few things that are on my mind. Don’t be scared, it’ll be okay.

I’ve made better friends than I’ve had in a very long time… friends I wish could come pick me up and take me out for coffee (or something). Okay, more like drag me out, probably, as I have been in need of a push (or a pull) to do things lately.

Those friends have given me the courage to open not one but two online shops. One on RedBubble… and one on Etsy (stay tuned for my grand opening… which makes it sound dirty). I know these shops will never earn me a ‘full income‘… but they are more than I could get myself to do before.

I’ve even become comfortable sharing my fiction and poetry. Maybe I don’t suck after all. That’s a huge gift… from you… to me… because self-confidence is, unfortunately, not my thing.

I know it’s sad that I require constant encouragement to get things done… to feel good about myself… but I guess that’s just how I am… or where I am right now. It’s my lack-of-confidence at work… always telling me I’m not good enough. And I think I often trust your opinions more than I trust my own anyway.

Thanks for all of that. And more.

Now, if anyone would like to … that would be a huge cause for celebration!

All of that being said, I know that realistically, maybe 5% of my 2,000 followers (if even) actually read this blog. I’d use this space to invite every single one of the 2000 of you to start reading if you don’t already, but you’ll never see this if you’re not reading. So that’s crazy right there. And if you do read, you know that crazy is normal around here.

hugs and kisses.
♥ sandra

Posted in blogging, milestone, writing | Tagged blogging, milestone, personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 36 Comments

song of the day. #46 | song lyric sunday. #music

Posted on 22 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

This week’s theme for ‘Song Lyric Sunday‘ is… peace.

This is not a song about being at peace. It’s a song about craving peace… wanting to go back in time (to The Night We Met…) to undo the past to avoid the pain of the present.

And that’s pretty much my life… wishing I could go back in time and make different choices… better decisions. I just know my present would be better… if only I could go back and change my past.

Of course, I can’t. But there is, and I imagine always will be, a part of me that cannot accept that. Maybe it’s because I always want to fix things. My kids’ things… my things… everything. Of course, I can’t do that either…

[Wow… I just realized that a character I created in a story I wrote (that I’ve never shared) has this same ‘fixer’ mentality. She hates when she can’t fix things… for everyone. I didn’t consciously make her like that because I’m like that… it just happened. I guess that’s not unusual… pieces of me showing up everywhere in my writing whether fact or fiction… whether intended or not…]

The Night We Met / Lord Huron

I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself
What the hell I’m supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you

I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Take me back to the night we met

When the night was full of terrors
And your eyes were filled with tears
When you had not touched me yet
Oh, take me back to the night we met

—
Written by Lord Huron

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged lord huron, music, regret, song lyric sunday, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 19 Comments

fiction friday 75: roommates. #fiction #MarquessaChallenge #fictionfriday

Posted on 20 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

Again, I have to include this disclaimer: Don’t get excited… Fiction Friday isn’t totally back or anything. But I had a memory flash of something I wrote in college… and although I didn’t feel like digging it up, I remembered bits and pieces and wrote this… for Marquessa’s challenge (click link for details).

Another reason not to get excited… I wrote this in about 20 minutes… so I’m sure it’s not the best thing I’ve ever written…

Danny knocked on Sara’s door. “You busy?” he asked while letting himself into her room.

She turned toward his voice as he walked in. “Just folding laundry…” She grabbed a shirt from the messy pile of clothes on her bed and continued folding.

“Sara… we need to talk about what happened…”

“Do we?”

“You don’t think so?”

“Danny, of course I do. I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.”

“I was upset. Confused.” He raked his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. “After that night, I hated that you still went on that date with Simon.”

“You made me feel guilty. I was upset, too.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” Danny looked down to his feet for a moment. He never intended to make her feel bad. About anything. “Sara… we had one night… I know that’s all it was supposed to be.”

“But…?”

“It’s a little messy. You’re my roommate. My best friend. Maybe we shouldn’t have fucked with that.”

“But we did. And…”

“And what, Sara? You regret it?”

“I don’t know, Danny!”

“Maybe you can let me know when you figure it out.”

“Don’t put this all on me! You just said it was messy…”

“Well, I don’t know how to clean it up. I’m not even sure what I thought I was going to accomplish by coming in here…” He turned away from her and took a step toward the door.

“Danny!”

He stopped and turned back to her. “What?”

“Don’t walk out on this!”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Sara.”

“Then don’t.” She spoke as though it was that simple. But she knew it wasn’t.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Figure it out with me.” Sara’s tone was one of frustration… and sadness.

“And how are we going to do that?” Danny really didn’t know.

“I’m open to suggestions…” She smiled. He hated that she smiled because he loved that she smiled.

Danny walked back toward her, fighting his own smile. “I have one idea.”

“What is it?”

“This…”

He grabbed her head in his hands and kissed her. And she kissed him. Together, they fell onto her bed. But Sara had to stop him.

“Danny…”

But he didn’t stop. When she took away her mouth, he brought his kisses to her neck. And he snuck his hands under her shirt, slowly sliding them up her sides.

She tried again. “Danny…”

Finally, he took his lips from her skin. “What, Sara?”

“I don’t know if we should do this.”

“Why? Give me one reason. Just one.”

“We’re wrinkling my laundry.” Again, she smiled. And he had to smile, too.

“I will iron every single piece. I promise.”

• • • • •

This was inspired by the lyric prompt… “When we’re together, we never fight, we’ve got better things to do tonight…”

Posted in fiction, fiction friday, romance, writing | Tagged #MarquessaChallenge, fiction, fiction friday, fictionfriday, romance, whatsandrathinks, writing | 22 Comments

I’m still here.

Posted on 19 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

You probably didn’t even notice… but I think this may be the longest I’ve gone without posting (when it wasn’t a weekend) since… a long time ago.

But I’ve been busy with the man pictured above.

I WISH!

(Honestly? I didn’t have a good image for this post… so I decided to just go with a good image for any time of any day ever.)

• • • • •

I have no voice. Not literally. I can speak. I can make sounds. But I don’t have anything to say. Scratch that. I do have things to say… I could update you on the goings-on in my brain… the updates and changes… but those aren’t the sorts of things I want to say.

Some days, I do want to talk or vent about that. But other days, I feel like getting too deeply into it is going to make me feel worse. That’s how I feel today. I want to forget.

Then I wonder if my mind and its failings are all I am. Is there anything else? Lately, it doesn’t feel like it. I hate that about me (among other things). So I thought maybe I needed to feel something else. Something that wasn’t sad or down or hopeless and pathetic. But I can’t flip a happy switch. I don’t have one. And faking doesn’t work for me. So happy was out. What else can I feel? Something that’s not a stretch.

Anger.

Maybe it’s not an improvement over sad. But I think it is. It feels more active… less passive. And I have plenty to be angry about. Granted, I throw a bunch of that anger back at myself… but I am angry with other things and people, too.

I’m not going to make a big fat list. You don’t need to know all the gory details.

So… anger.

But then, I also was the tiniest bit proud of myself. And that is unusual.

I opened my Etsy shop. Huge for me since I’ve been so nervous about it. I’m going to post some sort of ‘announcement‘ here soon… I just wanted to put up a few more listings first. There are only ten. And since my mind works the way it does, I figure that people might see the post here… visit the shop… see just a few things… and never go back to see anything more again. I want to have more before I invite people…

I know I shouldn’t be negative about it, but I suspect this will be the same as my RedBubble shop in that I may get a few sales here and there (maybe or maybe not from people who know me and are just being nice), but mostly, my stuff will just sit there in the shopping abyss that is Etsy. (And RedBubble.)

I’ve also been working on some reorganization and purging of stuff in my home. It’s not easy for a packrat to get rid of things… but it needs to happen. And I’ve been doing it. It’s a major accomplishment for me because usually I just feel overwhelmed, and I give up before I start. Not this week.

I guess I’m proud of those things… even though they probably seem like nothing to ‘normal‘ people.

Completely unrelated… Tonight I have to go to parent-teacher conferences at my son’s school. I’m anxious as fuck. That’s the social anxiety shifting into high gear. I dread it. And I’m also exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open at the moment. Even as I sip this coffee. It will be awkward if I doze off while a teacher is talking to me.

• • • • •

I’m thinking this isn’t exactly a breakthrough interesting post… but I felt like I was slowly disappearing (I know… you probably didn’t even notice)… and I thought I needed to make an appearance.

Boo.

Yeah… I’m scary.

Posted in blogging, writing | Tagged blogging, whatsandrathinks, writing | 63 Comments

moody monday. #10

Posted on 16 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

moody monday.

Today has been okay. Maybe it’s been better than okay, but I don’t want to say that because I’ll probably jinx it. After all, it’s not over yet. (I know… I am so negative…)

I woke up in the usual way… reluctantly. Still tired, warm and cozy, not wanting to get out of bed. But the kids had to get to school.

And I had plans.

I was going to get myself out of the house today (for more than just carting the kids around). I had a couple of non-urgent errands. But I was also going to try to spend some time away from my house. Maybe even around other people… like a coffee shop or the library.

None of that happened. After the kids were at school, I came home. I did the usual things… but I never got out of the house again. Not until it was time to pick up the kids. And come home. And take them to karate. And come home. And pick them up from karate. And come home.

I have a headache.

The same things nag at me… they always nag at me. I’m tired of thinking about them… but I can’t block them out because they are things I have to deal with. But then I don’t deal with them so they nag me even more. There is a roadblock in my brain. When it comes to certain things, my world comes to a screeching halt… and I can go no further.

I really wanted to accomplish something today. Did I? You tell me… Is this a good photo?

I think I might actually be ready to officially open my Etsy shop. (Pssst… it’s actually open now… but I’m not quite ready to publicize…)

I’m having a small personal crisis with the connection between my shop and my blog. (Both shops, really… the existing RedBubble one and this Etsy one.) In one direction — from blog to shop — I’m okay. But I can’t figure out if I should link to my blog from the shop. (I already do on the RedBubble shop…) I’m thinking I shouldn’t link, though… because I probably don’t want any potential customers to read my blog and find out that I’m insane. And I probably don’t want any family members who may check out the shop to start reading my blog either.

I’m an open book. Except when I’m not.

Final assessment: I did not cry AT ALL today. It’s a miracle. Other than this fucking demon of a headache, I feel alright.

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged moody monday, moodymonday, whatsandrathinks, writing | 65 Comments

well. #socs

Posted on 14 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)

This week, the prompt is ‘well‘…

divider dots.

Well… this is an easy prompt because… well… I think it’s a word that shows up often when I talk… and I usually write the way I talk. So… I think this will be just me… emptying my brain. Apologies in advance…

It’s the weekend and I feel better on weekends. I’m unemployed, so it’s not because I don’t have to work. (Besides… I have kids so I work every day…) It’s because I’m not alone. Lately, being alone… has not gone well for me. I’ve been spending too much time thinking about all the bad things… and very little time accomplishing anything… and very little time sleeping. I don’t know what happened to my motivation. I used to have some. Never enough… but some. However, lately, I have none. I make plans in my head. But I feel unable to follow through. Moving mountains… I can’t do it. I am not well.

That’s enough of that.

Have you ever had a friend who, if you really thought about it, you don’t really like at all? I have. There was one back in college… I posted about her a long time ago… but that was more about me letting someone treat me like crap. I’m really talking about a friend who you talk to… spend time with… but you really don’t even like the person.

I’ve noticed that this has happened in my life repeatedly. And I finally figured out why…

I don’t want to lose anyone. Ever. Even if they’re bad for me. Even if I don’t really like them at all.

I discovered this about myself because of my daughter. Yes… from a 9 year old. She stands up for herself… and she only spends time with someone if that’s what she wants. That ‘friend‘ of hers who keeps turning on her? Rather than continually apologizing and doing basically anything at all to keep her as a friend (that’s what I’d probably do), my daughter said no. She said… I’m not dealing with this anymore… I’m done. She won’t let anyone walk all over her. And she won’t waste time on someone who she doesn’t truly like.

Well, I am learning from her. Why the hell would I bother spending time with someone… or trying to keep someone as a friend… when I don’t even really like the person? But I do it. I am so afraid of losing someone that I won’t let go even when I should… even when I want to.

[The irony is that I don’t even have any friends offline… So for all my doormat tendencies, I don’t have anyone anyway!]

Well… I didn’t know that’s what I was going to write about when I started this post.

Oh… and I have one more well… because it’s been in my head the whole time I’ve been writing this post.

Wishing Well. (partial lyrics)
You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn’t matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that’s been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you’re tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

Posted in writing | Tagged socs, whatsandrathinks, writing | 31 Comments

Friday the 13th.

Posted on 13 October 2017 by what sandra thinks

Is it bad luck?

Someone once said… “If every other day is filled with bad luck, maybe Friday the 13th is good luck.”

Okay, that someone was me.

But what the hell do I know?

• • • • •

Yesterday sucked.

More incidents with my children and mean kids… My daughter with the same girl and my son with the same bully. I have never felt like a worse parent than I do now. I’m honestly seriously worried that this job is too much for me. I’ve never had trouble with a job in my life… but this one… being Mom? I’m sucking at it and it’s killing me. I made bad decisions. Wrong decisions. And I can’t fix them now… I can’t change the past. Even changing the present or the future won’t matter… things would have had to happen long before now.

I wrote a whole post detailing the issues, but I can’t bring myself to post it. But I will add that my stupid husband doesn’t see it as I do so he doesn’t try to help. He doesn’t think we/he did anything wrong. Mostly because he never thinks he does anything wrong. Asshat.

• • • • •

But…

Fuck yesterday… that was one day. The truth is… the last couple of weeks have sucked.

I’ve been waking up every day feeling down. Like, more than usual. I think it is the cause of my inability to write but I didn’t want to go on about it because it seems that all I post lately are diatribes about my personal struggles. So I’ll try to keep it brief.

I’m just… sad. Some days, I just sit there on the couch trying to distract myself from myself… trying to write or make new designs or even just watch tv… but I find myself crying. I find it hard to do things. Any things.

Last night, I truly hoped that today would be different… it’s Friday the 13th, after all. It should be my one good day. But I’m crying again. Is it the kids’ stuff I mentioned? Is it something else? Is it everything? I vote for option three. But it doesn’t even matter. I have to stop. I have to eat something. I have to run to the store to get something to cook for dinner tonight. But all of that… it feels like having to climb a fucking mountain. On foot. With no shoes.

I really hoped that today would be better… but it’s not. I guess I don’t get any good days.

I am so sick of being a mess… and I’m sure you’re sick of reading about it.

(I reserve the right to remove this post if I feel super pathetic later for posting it. But someone told me that I shouldn’t keep it all locked up inside… I should just let it out… let people support me. And online is the only place I have support, except for my mom.)