moody monday. #10

moody monday.

Today has been okay. Maybe it’s been better than okay, but I don’t want to say that because I’ll probably jinx it. After all, it’s not over yet. (I know… I am so negative…)

I woke up in the usual way… reluctantly. Still tired, warm and cozy, not wanting to get out of bed. But the kids had to get to school.

And I had plans.

I was going to get myself out of the house today (for more than just carting the kids around). I had a couple of non-urgent errands. But I was also going to try to spend some time away from my house. Maybe even around other people… like a coffee shop or the library.

None of that happened. After the kids were at school, I came home. I did the usual things… but I never got out of the house again. Not until it was time to pick up the kids. And come home. And take them to karate. And come home. And pick them up from karate. And come home.

I have a headache.

The same things nag at me… they always nag at me. I’m tired of thinking about them… but I can’t block them out because they are things I have to deal with. But then I don’t deal with them so they nag me even more. There is a roadblock in my brain. When it comes to certain things, my world comes to a screeching halt… and I can go no further.

I really wanted to accomplish something today. Did I? You tell me… Is this a good photo?

I think I might actually be ready to officially open my Etsy shop. (Pssst… it’s actually open now… but I’m not quite ready to publicize…)

I’m having a small personal crisis with the connection between my shop and my blog. (Both shops, really… the existing RedBubble one and this Etsy one.) In one direction — from blog to shop — I’m okay. But I can’t figure out if I should link to my blog from the shop. (I already do on the RedBubble shop…) I’m thinking I shouldn’t link, though… because I probably don’t want any potential customers to read my blog and find out that I’m insane. And I probably don’t want any family members who may check out the shop to start reading my blog either.

I’m an open book. Except when I’m not.

 

Final assessment: I did not cry AT ALL today. It’s a miracle. Other than this fucking demon of a headache, I feel alright.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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65 Responses to moody monday. #10

  1. farzmyall says:

    I have bad headaches daily esp at night but the funny thing is i get ideas to write all at the same time…a twisted notion when the cerebral unit isnt working great but somehow words come out quite the contrary…i feel you and cant wait for u to let us know whats on Etsy

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I like the card. I’m glad to hear you thought about getting out. Do! It’s good for the soul. And take your camera with you. 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hate that it’s so hard for me to just get out. It makes me feel pathetic. ‘Normal’ people wouldn’t even give it a thought… they’d just go. But me? It becomes a whole big thing… an ordeal… and my brain tried to talk me out of it. So frustrating!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Why? What does your brain tell you to do?

        Liked by 1 person

        • It just stops me. I get stuck and can’t do anything…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Do you fight it or just give in? You even feel that way about going for a walk or just when you have to deal with people or some task you aren’t into?

            Liked by 1 person

            • Pretty much anything. I never “just give in”… but often, I literally cannot get myself to do things no matter how hard I try. I guess to someone on the outside, it might look like I’m just giving in. But in reality I’m trying as hard as I possibly can but I still can’t do it…

              Liked by 1 person

              • I’m sorry. I hate that for you and anyone else who has to try and manage that feeling. I wish I knew how to tell you to beat it. No matter what though, keep trying, please. 😕

                Liked by 1 person

                • I did organize a drawer today. Sounds like nothing but it was a drawer of random stuff. It took over an hour. I guess that means I did something… right?

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Absolutely it does. Just do something, anything. Does anything help get you to go and do? That beats out the voice in your head?

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I haven’t found anything… other than necessity… like an appointment or getting the kids. But even a necessity like milk or food… I usually end up asking my husband to pick it up on the way home…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Can you put your finger on the reason? What sets it off?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Having a brain? Mine in particular? I don’t know. I think as soon as I give myself a chance to think about something I plan to do, I manage to talk myself out of it somehow. It’s not a conscious thing… it’s just that the more I think the harder it becomes for me to just do it… and I don’t seem to have the power to turn that thinking off… It happens immediately…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • What about writing down, like on a calendar or date book? Just put it there in ink and then make yourself do it, whether you want to or not? I’m pretty sure isolating yourself isn’t helping, no? Do y’all have a dog by chance?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I am not a dog person. Not even a little bit. We used to have a cat but he died when my son was two. Not I’d be taking the cat for a walk anyway. I tried putting things on my calendar. I do it on my phone and I even have reminders come up… but it still doesn’t get me to do it. it’s just not the same in my head as if it was an actual appointment…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Ya’ know, I kinda wish I were closer to you, location wise. I’d drag your ass out whether you wanted to go or not. I can be very persuasive. By that, I mean irritating as a motherfucker. But once you got out, you’d have fun….whether you wanted to or not! 😈😈

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • That’s exactly why I wish I had friends. You know, offline… here. Well, it’s one of the reasons. Not that most people would be available in the middle of the day, but at least there would be something. I need a push… a big one… and I don’t have one.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m trying. 😊😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Not a dog person?!? How come?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Honestly, I don’t like dogs. I never have. I don’t know why… I just don’t. I’m always afraid to admit that because I’ve had “dog people” jump all the hell over me about how awful it is that I’m not a dog person. So yeah… I usually keep that to myself…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Curse thee, non-dog-person!!!! 😃

                      I’m kidding! I don’t really curse thee. Just thought mayb walking the dog or hitting a local dog park might be a legit reason to go out. I’m reaching, aren’t I? 😏

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Kind of. Haha 😃 The thing is… if I don’t absolutely 100% have to do something… it’s really hard for me to get myself to do it. I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass.. it’s just that I’ve tried everything… Some days are better than others… but no days are working out lately…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • That’s why I was saying to actually write it on a calendar. If you saw it there, maybe it’d trigger the I’ve-gotta mindset. Like I said, I’m reaching. But I’m trying. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know. I have tried that. In fact, I still do it because my memory sucks. But if it’s not a must, I tend to dismiss it…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • You’ve got an answer for everything! Dang it! 🤔

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know… I’m sorry. That’s what I mean… I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what the answer is… I just keep hoping that some day I’ll wake up and feel differently. It happens in the other direction (sometimes I just wake up feeling like hell)… so why couldn’t it happen the other way… you know?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • It can. You’re smart. Went to college, studied and lived abroad. You did that. That seems counter to how you feel now. What changed?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’ve made tons of horrible decisions since then and I can’t go back and change them… and they aren’t things that I can change or fix now so my life is a disaster. Plus, social situations have always been hard for me and that just gets worse as I get older. I used to have a little more confidence than I do now. I never had a ton… but I had some. I have very little, if any, now. And… I have kids and I worry a million times more than I ever used to… it has given me major anxiety…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Man. That’s a shit ton on your plate…everyday. It’s all weighing you down. Let me ask you this: what exactly does fretting over the past with all your worth do? Accomplish? Can any of those things you fret so much over be changed? Improved? Rectified? If so, do it. Like today. Then scratch it off the list.

                      If it can’t be changed? Improved? Rectified? Still scratch it off the list. It does you no good to dwell on shit that CAN NOT be changed. From the past specifically. It’s killing your spirit. At least, that’s the vibe I get from afar. What would help? Help you move on from what you can’t control?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I wish I knew. I don’t set out to think about these things… they are just always in my head. Always. 100% of the time. I am sometimes distracted but they never leave.

                      Those things are all in the past. I don’t think I can do anything to fix any of it. There may be steps I could take to make things better, but not to “fix” anything. And taking those steps? Feels like moving a mountain… or six. I am starting to cry right now just thinking about them. How can I go forward when I can’t even THINK about some of these things without breaking down? It’s impossible…

                      And there’s no magic pill… there are helpful pills… but none of them are magic.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • That magic pill has to come from within I think. You have to decide when enough is enough. I’m happy to support you, to encourage you, to maybe even piss you off. But you have to decide to say “Fuck you!” to the nagging doubt, fear, anxiety. One thought at a time.

                      Will you do me one favor? Tomorrow, after dropping your kids at school, go for a walk. Couple of blocks, or a couple of miles. Do not think. About ANYTHING! Take your phone, take pics of anything interesting. People watch. Look. Notice. Then come home and write about it. Post, don’t post, whatever. Do it for you. And DO NOT criticize it!!! Just do it. You need to think about something besides your past and your problems and your worries. Anything. Please? Try it, just tomorrow. See how you feel after. What’s the worst thing that could happen?……don’t answer that! 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • If it was a decision, I’d have gotten out of this a LONG time ago. But that is precisely the problem. I never decided to feel this way. I haven’t made a decision to NOT try to make it better. I’m desperate for this to change… but it’s just not as simple as deciding anything. I wish it was…

                      I can try to go for a walk… but I’ve never been successful with ‘not thinking’. I’ve never been able to turn it off. It’s those times when I wish I was an idiot. I think being intelligent makes me think WAY too much, Seriously… I don’t want to be a moron but I bet I’d be happier…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I hear ya’. And yeah, I’ve noticed that ignorance is often bliss for people.

                      I’m sorry, by the way. I probably sound like an idiot myself, discussing and advising you on something I don’t have any first-hand knowledge of. I hope you know I’m just trying to help, not be a douche. 😔

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I do know you’re trying to help. But I certainly don’t want you to feel like you have to. There are no easy solutions… I know that. I don’t expect anyone to suddenly give me the answer… you know?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I know. And there’s only so much anybody can do, let alone me from 100’s of miles away, etc. But that kicks in in me, that urge to help. I can’t stop it. And it frustrates me when I can’t. I’ll just send another hug your way then. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Thank you. ♥ It’s nice to have someone who cares… And I wish I had that offline, too.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I wish you did too.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Not that you’re not smart now, of course. I really should start proofreading before hitting send. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • It’s okay. I know I’m smart. It’s one of the only things I have going for me…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Ha! That’s not a bad thing to be sure of! 😃

                      Liked by 1 person

  3. Miriam says:

    The card’s good. Go for it Sandra … and I hope the headache passes.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg says:

    The card IS good. And despite the headache I’m glad you’re all right. It’s going to be a beautiful day today. Beach is right, grab the camera and go take some photos. The fall foliage, the beach, stuff around town… I hope you have a good day!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love the card Sandra, but the tiny bit of OCD in me started counting candles to see if there was one for each letter!!!! We ARE daft, setting impossible tasks for ourselves, or believing we can fix things, or make things better, when there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. I used to have a flow chart for decision making that was brilliant. Will try to re-find it so I can share.
    Hugs, as always

    Liked by 1 person

  6. LOVE the card! Great picture. I think you should link if you feel comfortable. I am with you on the not wanting family to find my blog thing! No thank-you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Marquessa says:

    I love the card. And I’m glad that the idea of getting out the house was at least there. You’ll get there eventually…maybe starting small with savoring 1 coffee outside the house? And I love the other comments about taking your camera. And don’t link to your blog if you feel that your anonymity will be compromised.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. ♥ I do need to get out of the house more. Part of it is financial, too… leaving the house always involves spending money. It makes me anxious. (Like everything…!)

      I read something today about starting a blog about my “creative process” and linking to THAT from the shop. I was horrified! I can barely come up with anything to post here anymore… I don’t know that I’d be able to have another blog. Basically, it’s a lot of the same stuff they say to do as a writer… blog, newsletter, etc. I am too easily overwhelmed!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Don’t link it if you don’t want to. If someone asks for it specifically – you can just give it to them? I keep both of my blogs semi-private for various reasons, the main one being that I don’t want people to find out that I’m crazier than they know. So, I get that. I also keep my writing separate from people I know. I am basically seven different people, but whatever. It’s a process.

    I hope your headache has cleared up! I’ve had an on/off headache for the past week that desperately wants to be a migraine. Bleh.

    *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

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