Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)
This week, the prompt is ‘well‘…
Well… this is an easy prompt because… well… I think it’s a word that shows up often when I talk… and I usually write the way I talk. So… I think this will be just me… emptying my brain. Apologies in advance…
It’s the weekend and I feel better on weekends. I’m unemployed, so it’s not because I don’t have to work. (Besides… I have kids so I work every day…) It’s because I’m not alone. Lately, being alone… has not gone well for me. I’ve been spending too much time thinking about all the bad things… and very little time accomplishing anything… and very little time sleeping. I don’t know what happened to my motivation. I used to have some. Never enough… but some. However, lately, I have none. I make plans in my head. But I feel unable to follow through. Moving mountains… I can’t do it. I am not well.
That’s enough of that.
Have you ever had a friend who, if you really thought about it, you don’t really like at all? I have. There was one back in college… I posted about her a long time ago… but that was more about me letting someone treat me like crap. I’m really talking about a friend who you talk to… spend time with… but you really don’t even like the person.
I’ve noticed that this has happened in my life repeatedly. And I finally figured out why…
I don’t want to lose anyone. Ever. Even if they’re bad for me. Even if I don’t really like them at all.
I discovered this about myself because of my daughter. Yes… from a 9 year old. She stands up for herself… and she only spends time with someone if that’s what she wants. That ‘friend‘ of hers who keeps turning on her? Rather than continually apologizing and doing basically anything at all to keep her as a friend (that’s what I’d probably do), my daughter said no. She said… I’m not dealing with this anymore… I’m done. She won’t let anyone walk all over her. And she won’t waste time on someone who she doesn’t truly like.
Well, I am learning from her. Why the hell would I bother spending time with someone… or trying to keep someone as a friend… when I don’t even really like the person? But I do it. I am so afraid of losing someone that I won’t let go even when I should… even when I want to.
[The irony is that I don’t even have any friends offline… So for all my doormat tendencies, I don’t have anyone anyway!]
Well… I didn’t know that’s what I was going to write about when I started this post.
Oh… and I have one more well… because it’s been in my head the whole time I’ve been writing this post.
Wishing Well. (partial lyrics)
You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn’t matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that’s been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you’re tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well
©2017 what sandra thinks