well. #socs

Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)

This week, the prompt is ‘well‘…

divider dots.

Well… this is an easy prompt because… well… I think it’s a word that shows up often when I talk… and I usually write the way I talk. So… I think this will be just me… emptying my brain. Apologies in advance…

It’s the weekend and I feel better on weekends. I’m unemployed, so it’s not because I don’t have to work. (Besides… I have kids so I work every day…) It’s because I’m not alone. Lately, being alone… has not gone well for me. I’ve been spending too much time thinking about all the bad things… and very little time accomplishing anything… and very little time sleeping. I don’t know what happened to my motivation. I used to have some. Never enough… but some. However, lately, I have none. I make plans in my head. But I feel unable to follow through. Moving mountains… I can’t do it. I am not well.

That’s enough of that.

Have you ever had a friend who, if you really thought about it, you don’t really like at all? I have. There was one back in college… I posted about her a long time ago… but that was more about me letting someone treat me like crap. I’m really talking about a friend who you talk to… spend time with… but you really don’t even like the person.

I’ve noticed that this has happened in my life repeatedly. And I finally figured out why…

I don’t want to lose anyone. Ever. Even if they’re bad for me. Even if I don’t really like them at all.

I discovered this about myself because of my daughter. Yes… from a 9 year old. She stands up for herself… and she only spends time with someone if that’s what she wants. That ‘friend‘ of hers who keeps turning on her? Rather than continually apologizing and doing basically anything at all to keep her as a friend (that’s what I’d probably do), my daughter said no. She said… I’m not dealing with this anymore… I’m done. She won’t let anyone walk all over her. And she won’t waste time on someone who she doesn’t truly like.

Well, I am learning from her. Why the hell would I bother spending time with someone… or trying to keep someone as a friend… when I don’t even really like the person? But I do it. I am so afraid of losing someone that I won’t let go even when I should… even when I want to.

[The irony is that I don’t even have any friends offline… So for all my doormat tendencies, I don’t have anyone anyway!]

Well… I didn’t know that’s what I was going to write about when I started this post.

Oh… and I have one more well… because it’s been in my head the whole time I’ve been writing this post.

Wishing Well. (partial lyrics)
You wanna run away, run away
Just get on the fucking train and leave today
And it doesn’t matter where you spend the night
You just might end up somewhere in a fight, in a fight
Or calling your room on a concrete shelf
Fighting all alone, with yourself, with yourself
And you just wanna feel like a coin that’s been tossed
In a wishing well, a wishing well
A wishing well, a wishing well
Well you’re tossed in the air
And you fell and you fell
Through the dark blue waters
Where you cast your spell
Like you were just a wish that could turn out well

 


©2017 what sandra thinks

Advertisements

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to well. #socs

  1. Halycon Prana says:

    If you asked the people I used to hang out with, the friends I used to have, the social circles I used to be apart of, they would give you the same response about me. This is why I find it so difficult to make friends and build a strong social circle. Because this is the final impression I leave people with.

    Hence why I am alone, and will remain alone. I struggle on a daily basis knowing this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m sure I’m on the other side, too. I have no doubt that people would come to realize that they don’t even like me so they eventually just stop being my friends. I’d guess this is part of why I have no friends. And I have no idea how to make new ones. I find myself to be generally unlikable… and that’s how I assume others see me…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I break the editing rule all the time. LOL. But don’t tell anyone.

    Your daughter has it right. I used to be like you, always wanting to hang onto people etc. Unfortunately, there’s always a limit. I’ve had several situations blow up in my face but at the end of the day, I’m happy that I don’t have to deal with their crap anymore. I’d rather have no one than people who make me feel like crap. Life is way too short. 💚

    Liked by 3 people

    • I sometimes edit a little, too. I can’t help myself…

      I know I should just cut off people who treat me like crap or people who I just don’t really like… but I may struggle with that forever. I have a fear of being alone… but it’s ridiculous because I’m alone anyway!

      Liked by 2 people

      • You probably will struggle with it forever. I had to stop speaking to a friend of mine last year because she wasn’t interested in how badly she’d offended me. We were friends for a long time and I still wonder if I should have let what she did slide, but then I realise that I’d just be always thinking about what she did and how awful she is etc. At least this way, I might feel bad about what happened, but I feel less guilty about my role in it because I did something.

        I think we all have a fear of being alone (and we’re all alone in a way – unless there are people who can read minds!), but sometimes we need to be ‘alone’ to figure out what we want in life. Or what we don’t want.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Well!
    That was a pretty damn fine post Sandra.
    Hugs, and I wish you WELL.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. magarisa says:

    Your daughter is so assertive and self-confident! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Props for your daughter, who at nine is confident enough to stand up for herself. You did a great job with her. I think we all struggle (some of us more than others) with finding good friends. And sometimes we fail to nurture those relationships, especially after a move or change of employment, and they fade. I tend to avoid people I can’t stand to be around, but I often have trouble keeping in touch with those I can stand. Everyone is different, though. Be well, Sandra!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Juli Hoffman says:

    I learn a lot from my kiddo, too! Just goes to show that you raised her well. She won’t tolerate bad behavior from her friends. That’s awesome! 🙂 (Sometimes it can feel more like, “Do as I say, not as I practice,” but at least she understand!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. See? And you were worried about her? She’s got this. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I totally understand what you are talking about. I just hold on to people in fear of losing them even if they are the most annoying people ever. hopefully you find a friend who treats you well…and who you will actually enjoy hanging out with.
    Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Meg says:

    Good for your daughter! I think that’s awesome and very mature of her. I guess having just one or two real friends (on or offline) is better than having a lot of fake ones. Pretty sure you have some good friends here!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sandra, I love your post and it comes at an appropriate time in my life where I’ve had to let go of two friends I’ve known all my life. Friends should lift you up when you’re down not trampling all over your emotions. When a relationship becomes one-sided and painful, it’s time to let go. There are other people out there who will treat you WELL. Well, I’ve said enough already. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

thoughts? talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s