Friday the 13th.

Is it bad luck?

Someone once said… “If every other day is filled with bad luck, maybe Friday the 13th is good luck.”

Okay, that someone was me.

But what the hell do I know?

• • • • •

Yesterday sucked.

More incidents with my children and mean kids… My daughter with the same girl and my son with the same bully. I have never felt like a worse parent than I do now. I’m honestly seriously worried that this job is too much for me. I’ve never had trouble with a job in my life… but this one… being Mom? I’m sucking at it and it’s killing me. I made bad decisions. Wrong decisions. And I can’t fix them now… I can’t change the past. Even changing the present or the future won’t matter… things would have had to happen long before now.

I wrote a whole post detailing the issues, but I can’t bring myself to post it. But I will add that my stupid husband doesn’t see it as I do so he doesn’t try to help. He doesn’t think we/he did anything wrong. Mostly because he never thinks he does anything wrong. Asshat.

• • • • •

But…

Fuck yesterday… that was one day. The truth is… the last couple of weeks have sucked.

I’ve been waking up every day feeling down. Like, more than usual. I think it is the cause of my inability to write but I didn’t want to go on about it because it seems that all I post lately are diatribes about my personal struggles. So I’ll try to keep it brief.

I’m just… sad. Some days, I just sit there on the couch trying to distract myself from myself… trying to write or make new designs or even just watch tv… but I find myself crying. I find it hard to do things. Any things.

Last night, I truly hoped that today would be different… it’s Friday the 13th, after all. It should be my one good day. But I’m crying again. Is it the kids’ stuff I mentioned? Is it something else? Is it everything? I vote for option three. But it doesn’t even matter. I  have to stop. I have to eat something. I have to run to the store to get something to cook for dinner tonight. But all of that… it feels like having to climb a fucking mountain. On foot. With no shoes.

I really hoped that today would be better… but it’s not. I guess I don’t get any good days.

I am so sick of being a mess… and I’m sure you’re sick of reading about it.

(I reserve the right to remove this post if I feel super pathetic later for posting it. But someone told me that I shouldn’t keep it all locked up inside… I should just let it out… let people support me. And online is the only place I have support, except for my mom.)

 

• • • • •
©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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39 Responses to Friday the 13th.

  1. As for the shit with the asshat kids, is any of this happening during school? If so, would meeting with teachers or having a chat their parents be possible? If so, time to put an end to the crap.

    As for the rest? Here’s another hug. 😔

    Liked by 4 people

    • I can’t talk to anyone about the kids’ things. My daughter… it happens outside of school. I am not going to get into a whole thing with her parents. My son… something happened in gym class but the teacher wasn’t paying attention… there’s no way for my son to prove anything when the ass denies it. Plus, the gym teacher is the type who would likely say ‘suck it up’ or something… even though that’s totally the wrong response. And I’m definitely not talking to that kid’s parents either.

      And for the rest… thanks. I just wish I could accept that this is just how it is for me so I can stop being so disappointed and sad about it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Don’t just lie there an accept it. Giving up is never the right answer. What’s the right one? I do t have a clue. But I know giving up isn’t it.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I can’t seem to do anything else. Of course, I can’t seem to accept it either. Everything feels like moving mountains. And I’m, like, an ant or something.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Drink a pot of coffee, shower, get dressed, then go do something, anything. I’m tellin’ ya’, when I get like that, I just force myself to do something. Even just for a walk. Gets the blood flowing and clears the head a bit. Might make you feel a bit better. And it’s better than just hunkering down in the house by yourself. 😊

            Liked by 1 person

            • I have had a few cups of coffee… I’m showered and dressed… and about to leave to pick up kids. I’m able to do that because I absolutely have to… but other stuff? It feels like the moving mountains thing.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Force yourself! Before you even get outta bed, tell that voice in your head to shut the fuck up and that you WILL be productive, in some way and no matter how small, today. Take back control!!!

                Feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up anytime now, by the way. 😊

                Liked by 1 person

                • But that is exactly it. That’s exactly the problem. I already do anything I can to force myself but it doesn’t work. There have been times that I’ve put on my shoes and I’m standing at the door… and I cave and take my shoes off. I know it’s hard for people who have never experienced this to understand how it feels. I know it seems that I should be able to force myself to do whatever… but that is the problem… not being able to do that. It sucks… and I know people generally think I’m not trying but that’s so far from the truth. The truth is, I’m trying as hard as humanly possible…

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • So what can help? There’s nothing that helps? That eases the anxiety? I promise, I’m not being an ass or a douche. I’m just asking. What is part of you, that you must do, that you crave? Doesn’t that motivate you?

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I have no idea would help. I mean, medication helps with the anxiety. I’m up and down a lot… but lately it feels like I’m either in the middle or down. I haven’t been having any ups. Not that the ups and downs should be extreme… but the ups should still exist… I will be mentioning that at my next appointment…

                      Motivation is a huge problem when I’m down. I have none. For anything.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • That feeling sucks. We’ve discussed it before. I don’t know how to get outta that type of funk besides simply forcing myself to be. My camera is generally what’ll do it.

                      I’d like to see your take on photos. I really would. I’d think your subject matter, coming from your….perspective….would be interesting. 😊

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I don’t know that I really have anything that gets me out of it… It used to be writing but I can’t seem to do that at all lately so it’s like my one thing has been taken away from me… 😦

                      I have tons of pictures from cemeteries… And then tons of my kids, especially when they were younger. I haven’t taken many pictures lately… (except trying to get pictures for the Etsy shop…)

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m sorry, man. I hope that mojo finds its way back to you. Wish I could tell you where it’s hiding. 😔

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. …and I’ll follow beach with another hug.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. nkdwhtguy says:

    Hoping for a better day for you tomorrow. Maybe the 14th is your lucky day.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m with Beach, with the hug (s), and with the I do not have a clue either. That just goes to show that we mature, got it together adults are just the same as you. We pretend to be in charge but, really, it’s all a bit of an act. There is no right way, no wrong way, just a suck it and see way. Giving hugs is just as comforting as receiving them so, go give the kids a hug, even though they probably won’t appreciate it.
    Hugs, and more hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. alexraphael says:

    Not sure what to say re advice, but please have a big hug and the comment that i’m sure things have to get better at some point.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I applaud your honesty and will hold you in the Healing Light of Love until you find your way out of this funk. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a wonderful place. It had given me love and support i couldnt find anywhere else.
    Dont stop writing nobody is judging you. And dont feel defeated. Some days some time is like that but just dont feel you are losing.

    Life is a constant battle. Its a battle ground we just need to keep believing we are winning and we will win in the end. This believe solves half of the problems.
    The world is a cruel place indeed but you cant stop fighting.

    Love and prayers for you and your kids.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Juli Hoffman says:

    “But all of that… it feels like having to climb a fucking mountain. On foot. With no shoes.” Yes!!! Been there. I really wish I could give you a hug right now! Sometimes it just feels so overwhelming, like you’re drowning in life’s toilet bowl and you really don’t need any more sh*t! Take care!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Halycon Prana says:

    I vote: “bundle!” (where everyone in the group bundles one individual to make them feel better) kinda like a group hug thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. mandibelle16 says:

    Your son should give this girl a good kicks. It should stop the bully from abusing him. It’s what my Mom told me as I child and it worked. He may get into trouble once but he can say my mom told me to do it b/c the bully wouldn’t leave me alone. At this stage in life I don’t think it matters that she’s a girl

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not a girl. My daughter is having trouble with a girl. My son is having a problem with a boy. And physical violence could get him expelled from school. They have a zero tolerance policy for that sort of thing.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mandibelle16 says:

        Oh I see. That’s not quite right if your son can’t defend himself, and one kick/punch would get him expelled. Honestly, it’s the best solution sometimes, just once I mean. Can your daughter give her bully a kick? Girls can be so mean, worse than guys I think. If she yelled at them would they stop?
        For your son, I’m not sure. Are they bullying him physically? Have to think. Ignoring them, does that work? I mean not even acknowledging what either bully said?

        Hope something works out for them and hope you’re okay too.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think if my son was physically attacked, it’s possible that he would be okay to defend himself… but that’s not what going on. And he’s a good kid… I don’t know that he’d risk getting into trouble over it… even if he knows karate…

          Violence in any way is definitely NOT the answer. There would be consequences whether it was because of being bullied or not.

          I cannot imagine how horrible it would be if kids could physically hurt each other without consequences. That would be awful.

          Liked by 1 person

          • mandibelle16 says:

            I’m not saying there shouldn’t be consequences for violence. I’m just saying that to defend yourself against a bully, whether that bullying is a verbal physical, or otherwise, sometimes using a kick/punch to defend yourself works and gets the bully to leave a kid alone —shows them they are not free treat another kid how they please. Generally, do I agree with violence, no not at all. But sometimes a kid has to stand up and defend
            themselves or the bullying won’t end.

            Anyways I really hope your son and daughter are able to find a way to stop the bullying with your help and their schools help. I’m glad they are good kids.
            Have a nice weekend Sandra.

            Liked by 1 person

  11. Hope things are looking better now ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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