Is it bad luck?
Someone once said… “If every other day is filled with bad luck, maybe Friday the 13th is good luck.”
Okay, that someone was me.
But what the hell do I know?
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More incidents with my children and mean kids… My daughter with the same girl and my son with the same bully. I have never felt like a worse parent than I do now. I’m honestly seriously worried that this job is too much for me. I’ve never had trouble with a job in my life… but this one… being Mom? I’m sucking at it and it’s killing me. I made bad decisions. Wrong decisions. And I can’t fix them now… I can’t change the past. Even changing the present or the future won’t matter… things would have had to happen long before now.
I wrote a whole post detailing the issues, but I can’t bring myself to post it. But I will add that my stupid husband doesn’t see it as I do so he doesn’t try to help. He doesn’t think we/he did anything wrong. Mostly because he never thinks he does anything wrong. Asshat.
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Fuck yesterday… that was one day. The truth is… the last couple of weeks have sucked.
I’ve been waking up every day feeling down. Like, more than usual. I think it is the cause of my inability to write but I didn’t want to go on about it because it seems that all I post lately are diatribes about my personal struggles. So I’ll try to keep it brief.
I’m just… sad. Some days, I just sit there on the couch trying to distract myself from myself… trying to write or make new designs or even just watch tv… but I find myself crying. I find it hard to do things. Any things.
Last night, I truly hoped that today would be different… it’s Friday the 13th, after all. It should be my one good day. But I’m crying again. Is it the kids’ stuff I mentioned? Is it something else? Is it everything? I vote for option three. But it doesn’t even matter. I have to stop. I have to eat something. I have to run to the store to get something to cook for dinner tonight. But all of that… it feels like having to climb a fucking mountain. On foot. With no shoes.
I really hoped that today would be better… but it’s not. I guess I don’t get any good days.
I am so sick of being a mess… and I’m sure you’re sick of reading about it.
(I reserve the right to remove this post if I feel super pathetic later for posting it. But someone told me that I shouldn’t keep it all locked up inside… I should just let it out… let people support me. And online is the only place I have support, except for my mom.)
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