I’m still here.

You probably didn’t even notice… but I think this may be the longest I’ve gone without posting (when it wasn’t a weekend) since… a long time ago.

But I’ve been busy with the man pictured above.

I WISH!

(Honestly? I didn’t have a good image for this post… so I decided to just go with a good image for any time of any day ever.)

• • • • •

I have no voice. Not literally. I can speak. I can make sounds. But I don’t have anything to say. Scratch that. I do have things to say… I could update you on the goings-on in my brain… the updates and changes… but those aren’t the sorts of things I want to say.

Some days, I do want to talk or vent about that. But other days, I feel like getting too deeply into it is going to make me feel worse. That’s how I feel today. I want to forget.

Then I wonder if my mind and its failings are all I am. Is there anything else? Lately, it doesn’t feel like it. I hate that about me (among other things). So I thought maybe I needed to feel something else. Something that wasn’t sad or down or hopeless and pathetic. But I can’t flip a happy switch. I don’t have one. And faking doesn’t work for me. So happy was out. What else can I feel? Something that’s not a stretch.

Anger.

Maybe it’s not an improvement over sad. But I think it is. It feels more active… less passive. And I have plenty to be angry about. Granted, I throw a bunch of that anger back at myself… but I am angry with other things and people, too.

I’m not going to make a big fat list. You don’t need to know all the gory details.

So… anger.

But then, I also was the tiniest bit proud of myself. And that is unusual.

I opened my Etsy shop. Huge for me since I’ve been so nervous about it. I’m going to post some sort of ‘announcement‘ here soon… I just wanted to put up a few more listings first. There are only ten. And since my mind works the way it does, I figure that people might see the post here… visit the shop… see just a few things… and never go back to see anything more again. I want to have more before I invite people…

I know I shouldn’t be negative about it, but I suspect this will be the same as my RedBubble shop in that I may get a few sales here and there (maybe or maybe not from people who know me and are just being nice), but mostly, my stuff will just sit there in the shopping abyss that is Etsy. (And RedBubble.)

I’ve also been working on some reorganization and purging of stuff in my home. It’s not easy for a packrat to get rid of things… but it needs to happen. And I’ve been doing it. It’s a major accomplishment for me because usually I just feel overwhelmed, and I give up before I start. Not this week.

I guess I’m proud of those things… even though they probably seem like nothing to ‘normal‘ people.

Completely unrelated… Tonight I have to go to parent-teacher conferences at my son’s school. I’m anxious as fuck. That’s the social anxiety shifting into high gear. I dread it. And I’m also exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open at the moment. Even as I sip this coffee. It will be awkward if I doze off while a teacher is talking to me.

• • • • •

I’m thinking this isn’t exactly a breakthrough interesting post… but I felt like I was slowly disappearing (I know… you probably didn’t even notice)… and I thought I needed to make an appearance.

Boo. 

Yeah… I’m scary.

©2017 what sandra thinks

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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63 Responses to I’m still here.

  1. You DO realize you’re welcome to email me anytime you need to vent, right?
    I can’t guarantee I’ll have anything of value to say back, but I am always there for you to email…even if you don’t want a response and just want to get it out.
    (hugs)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I noticed. Was hoping all was ok.

    Anyway, good for you, man! Hell yeah, angry is better than sad or apathetic. You’re right, much less passive. And don’t you dare minimize getting the Etsy shop open or reorganizing or any of it. One task at a time, one day at a time. Be proud of yourself! You’re doing. 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cyranny says:

    Sending a big virtual *hug*… Hoping it’ll feel better soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Venting through writing is good. As well as being helpful in seeing how other can help if possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Do I know you? I don’t think I’ve heard of you before!
    Are you that person who posted something this morning and then deleted it before I could read it?
    Oh, it’s you Sandra.
    Good to see you again. Please don’t just disappear.
    Just like beach, I’ve encountered that and it is very disconcerting.
    I begin to wonder if I dreamed it all and the person was a figment of my imagination.
    You are real aren’t you?
    Hugs, as always.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Miriam says:

    Despite what you might think, and how you might be feeling, this is a great post and you need to focus on all the good stuff in here. Your Etsy shop, your organising and purging , those small accomplishments are actually HUGE. Stop putting yourself down Sandra, be kinder to yourself. You’re worth it you know. Hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s okay. I’ve noticed, but being away is sometimes necessary.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hang in there.. And how could anyone not notice your presence???
    You are wonderful.. just remember that!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I have nothing different to say from anyone else who has already posted, but: for reals, you can email me any time ;), please don’t disappear! I ❤ you! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Meg says:

    I know what it’s like to be energized by anger. It gets me going more than any other emotion. And I have trouble explaining that to people. But for me getting angry is almost exhilarating. And I noticed too, but I thought maybe you were just taking a break to recharge. If you’d have been missing for too long, I’d have come looking for you. I know what it’s like to disappear and not have many people notice…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Marquessa says:

    I noticed too. You are NOT allowed to disappear. You hear me? It doesn’t what you post about, we as your readers are interested in YOU. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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