what sandra thinks

I don’t know how to make friends. I know… just start a conversation with someone. But I can’t do it. I have no idea what to say. After ‘hi,‘ I’m out. I can’t make small talk. I am just not like other ‘normal‘ people. If someone comes to me and starts talking and goes beyond ‘hello,’ I can keep talking… for a bit, anyway. But unless they keep coming back to me, that’s where it dies.

I feel like I can’t relate to most people. I seem to be so different from other people. I’m not even sure exactly what it is, but that seems to be the case. And I end up alone.

I wish I had a couple of friends. Hell, just one would be fine. For me.

But this isn’t about me.

I have kids… and it has become clear that my inability to make friends has been a major problem for them. It has given them a huge disadvantage… and it’s only truly come to light over the last few weeks/months. But I should have realized it a long time ago. And now it’s too late.

The kids they’re friends with all have their best pals… but it’s never my kids. They feel like they’re on the fringe. They have friends… but they’re not always with anyone the way other kids are. I kind of knew it was a little like this for my son but I never knew it was like this for my daughter. Not really… Not until today.

It’s my fault.

The kids who see each other all the time… it happens because their moms are friends. The moms aren’t really directly involved anymore for my son… he’s old enough now that the kids just hang out. BUT… the damage is done. He doesn’t have the close friends other kids have because I wasn’t chummy with their moms when he was younger. I can’t go back in time and fix that. And I can’t fix it now for my daughter either… I think to some extent, it is too late for her, too.

I feel awful about this. It’s been bothering me for a long time but I don’t know how to fix it. I just cannot make friends. You can give me all the usual suggestions… but they don’t work for me. I am just not good with people. Maybe people just don’t like me. I don’t know. But I’m never even around any of these moms now. I don’t have an opportunity (though I’m sure I’d fuck it up anyway).

The only idea I have is to call one of the moms and invite the kid over here. (This is only a possibility for my daughter… not my son.) BUT… for several reasons that I can’t talk about because they make me too upset, I can’t do that. They’re not reasons I can fix easily (or possibly at all… especially not on my own).

I don’t know why I’m posting this… I know there’s no solution. There’s no way to make it better. I’m just going to feel bad about this forever. Like I said… it’s already too late… probably for both of them.

I was never cut out to be a mom. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking because I truly suck at it. They’d be better off without me.

©2017 what sandra thinks