what sandra thinks

sugar-coated.

Posted on 30 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

It’s not that I’ve been acting all ‘sunshine and rainbows‘. Is that the expression? Maybe I’m just making shit up. I’m not familiar with that state of mind. I prefer my own name for it anyway… sunshine stick up your ass. Anyway… I think you know what I mean. I haven’t been acting that way. I’m not even sure I’m capable of that. But I have been pretending.

Even my last post… It wasn’t what I’d call cheerful but it doesn’t accurately represent how I feel either. There’s some sugar-coating going on… and it’s not even enough to be noticeable. It’s mild sugar-coating.

Damn… if it’s going to be sugar-coated, I should take it all the way.

Or not at all.

The truth is… I have been feeling desperate, hopeless, and alone. I can pretend that’s not true. And I’m glad I have that ability. But sometimes it’s extremely lonely.

[I faked you out with my post title, didn’t I? Sorry. I have a sick sense of humor…]

My reality is worse than I let on. There are things I don’t talk about. And they’re bad on their own… but even worse piled onto everything else.

Oh, I’m still not going to talk about them.

Hell, I don’t even know why I’m writing this post.

Maybe it’s a confession… because I feel dishonest and I don’t like that feeling.

Maybe I’m just venting… because I’m so fucking angry that this is my life.

But I know what it’s not. It’s not an invitation for someone to tell me to ‘just fix it‘. That’s maddening. It’s like ‘snap out of it‘. It makes me feel a million times worse. Those things are standard ‘things to never say to a depressed person‘. Honestly, what should my response be? Oh… thank you! I never thought of that. Let me just snap my fingers and make it all better. Damn, I must be a fucking moron for not fixing everything sooner since it’s so simple!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because that’s so untrue. I know people mean well. And I know it’s hard not to try to fix it. But no one can. Even the little steps people suggest… I know it’s impossible for them to understand—unless they also have depression—but those aren’t ‘just do it‘ things either. They, too, make me feel worse. Tiny anthills feel like Mt. Fucking Everest. And to me, it’s like being told I’m an idiot… or I’m lazy… or I’m not good enough. I already know I’m not good enough. I don’t need to be reminded.

No one can fix someone’s depression any more than they can fix someone’s cancer.

Seriously… when is the last time anyone told a cancer patient to ‘just stop having cancer‘?

This is not different. I’m not saying depression and cancer are equivalent illnesses. But, hell, some cancers can be cured. Depression cannot. And they can certainly both lead to death.

[I guess I figured out why I wrote this post. It turned into sort of a how-to-be-a-depressed-person’s-friend post. I had no idea that was going to happen.]

[Another note: When I told my mental health NP that I have a blog, she told me that writing on this topic might help a lot of people. I don’t know about that, but her saying that makes me feel a little less humiliated when I do write about it. And make no mistake… I am humiliated. Is a cancer patient humiliated that he/she has cancer? No. So why am I?]

[One more note: this blog will never only be about this. I’m here for fiction, random thoughts, humor, poetry, and fun. And life. But life isn’t always fun. I hope I never scare anyone away. Oh hell, A-to-Z starts Sunday… those posts will be so far from this topic… which will be good for me… and for you. I might even post something lighter later today… my moods follow no rules.]

Posted in life, rant, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, friendship, life, rant, whatsandrathinks, writing | 33 Comments

life goes on… and on and on.

Posted on 29 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

Just a post about my life… because living it is so damn riveting that I feel the need to share. (That’s sarcasm, just in case it wasn’t obvious…) Maybe it’ll make you feel good because your life will look awesome by comparison.

half-day.
Breakfast-for-lunch yesterday with my daughter was fun. And those apple cinnamon pancakes I was craving did not disappoint. My daughter’s french toast wasn’t bad either. And of course, bacon. And coffee. My daughter didn’t have coffee. But she would have if I let her. Hey, I liked coffee when I was 10, too. I swear… this poor kid is just like me. I hope the insanity skips a generation… or, you know, all future generations.

pain.
The most recent attempt to ‘fix‘ (or at least help) my back pain failed. So… we’re up to five failures now. The NP I saw for follow-up after the first procedure was horrible. Hated her. I got them to switch me to someone else for follow-up after the second (different) failed injection. That appointment was this morning. This PA guy was a million times better than that horrible NP. He thinks I should try another ESI in a different spot.

Once my stupid insurance approves that (they better approve it…), I can schedule it. It’s complicated because I’m not allowed to drive after the injection so the husband needs to take time off. (I have no one else.) His office is relocating (not far) during April and the company doesn’t want anyone taking any time off during April or half of May. It’s ridiculous. And I’m not waiting until fucking June!

If this next injection fails, the PA I saw today said they could try something else… but I’m really concerned that at some point, my insurance is going to stop covering things. I know… don’t worry about that now. Whatever. I’m going to worry no matter what anyone says or how hard I try not to. It’s just me… and it’s even worse because everything keeps failing. I really don’t want to be in pain for the rest of my life.

the other kind of pain.
I’ve been having trouble in the morning. Every morning. I’m relieved when I have somewhere to be… but that’s not every day. I’ve made lists of things to do so I can feel like I have somewhere to be, but that’s not cutting it. I know I need something else in my life. I know a job would help. I also know I need to be available by about 2/2:30pm every day for my kids. So I need a part time job. In an office. With minimal standing. Yeah, that’s not super specific or anything. Should be no problem, right? I’ve been looking for that for a fucking long time. It’s obviously not going to happen. (That’s right. I am not thinking positively. That’s who I am. What I think has no impact on the situation anyway. The end.) I have no solution. But the way I feel every morning… it’s brutal. There are days I try desperately to go back to sleep for a few hours so I don’t have to feel anything.

my phone.
Miraculously, my phone seems to be better. It’s like it was sick… and now it’s better. Kind of. Most issues seem to be gone. Just like that. Poof. Issues came up for no reason and went away for no reason. WTF? Oh well… at least it works… mostly.

other stuff.
Easter has been postponed. My sister has to work. We’re having it a week late. Not a big deal. I’m actually kind of glad… there’s way too much going on lately.

My A-to-Z writing is coming along. I’ve finished A through S. But now I hate D… so… I’m doing some editing/rewriting… along with trying to finish the alphabet.

hmm…
I’d sum that up as 2 good, 2 bad, 1 neutral. I guess I break even at the moment. Doesn’t feel like it, though, since the 2 bad are way heavier than the other 3.

And there’s my boring life update. Thanks for playing.

• • •
©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in life, writing | Tagged life, whatsandrathinks, writing | 22 Comments

dismissed.

Posted on 28 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

Beautiful art by Sora Ceballos

• • •

When I was a little kid, my mom had this tradition I rarely mentioned to anyone. Not because it wasn’t great… because it was great… but because it was, I guess, ‘wrong‘.

Every year, we would skip back-to-school clothes shopping before school started. Instead, Mom would pick a day for each of us—my three sisters and I—and she’d keep us home from school. We’d each get a day with just Mom to shop for new school clothes. Sometimes, she would even do it again in the spring.

When my friends asked why I wasn’t at school that day, I’d tell them I was sick. That’s what Mom wrote on the note she sent in the next day. So… I kept it to myself. And I didn’t wear new clothes to school until after the weekend. As if anyone would have noticed.

But I was a ~~good kid~~ nerd and I didn’t want to get into any trouble. And I never did.

• • •

My daughter was a little sad last night because of that bitch girl who she really does not want to be friends with anymore. She feels trapped because if she’s not friends with her, she could lose other friends. She doesn’t want to put people in the middle and make them choose. But some kids feel like they must.

I’ve told her that these other friends aren’t really friends if they’d abandon her. However, I don’t really believe that and neither does she. They just don’t want get involved, and my daughter doesn’t know whose ‘side‘ they would be on. Because the bitch in question is so obnoxious, it’s quite possible that she would bad-mouth my girl so she could ‘win‘ all the friends. I don’t think everyone would buy it, but my kid doesn’t want to risk it. And I totally understand.

So she acts like the bitch is still her friend… at school. I guess the bitch has a shred of intelligence (just a shred) so she is usually okay while others are around. But outside of school… no. My daughter will not answer the bitch’s phone calls (yeah, she still calls).

For a couple of days a couple of weeks ago, my daughter did answer the phone calls. And for those two days, my daughter was moody, argumentative, and just generally difficult. Revelation! It’s because of the bitch. She had stopped talking to her for a few weeks before those two days and has stopped since, and during those times, she’s her usual sweet self.

The bitch still says things to upset my daughter, though. Like whenever any attention is drawn to my daughter for any reason, the bitch says something like, “I don’t see what the big deal is…” Basically, she tries to negate anything good, positive, or attention-getting that happens to my daughter. And often to other kids, too. If the focus isn’t on her, it doesn’t count… no matter what it is. And if something is about her, she brags about it.

I really hate this kid.

To make a long story short (is obviously not what I’m doing), this was the reason my girl was sad last night. She didn’t want to go to school today. She’s sick of the bitch and her obnoxious comments.

This morning, I decided to write my daughter a note to have her dismissed three hours early. But we’re not going clothes shopping. We’re going to go out and have breakfast for lunch and maybe do some other things.

She was so happy when I dropped her off.

So… either I’ve failed Parenting 101… or I get extra credit.

I vote for the latter.

• • •
©2018 what sandra thinks

Posted in family, life, writing | Tagged family, life, parenting, whatsandrathinks, writing | 31 Comments

I’m so smart.

Posted on 26 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

Did you know that if you’re a night owl, you may be highly intelligent?

No, really… you might. Staying up late is apparently a common trait of smart people.

Really, though… I wouldn’t take one trait and base my assessment of someone’s (or my own) intelligence on it. But there are more of these supposedly smart-people characteristics.

Being disorganized is also common. I’ve heard this before. I guess it makes me feel good about the number of areas in my home that really need some organization. Even though the clutter annoys me.

Procrastination is another one. Well… god knows I procrastinate. I sat down with my laptop to work on my A-to-Z posts… and I’m writing this. So… yeah.

I love this one! Highly intelligent people know there’s no such thing as luck. I’ve posted about this before and everything. Luck is not a thing. And you sure as fuck can’t ‘make your own luck’. That has got to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Confidence… I don’t have much. Or any. Apparently, smart people are not overly confident. They’re probably not as far in the other direction as I am, though.

In a better world, open-minded would apply to everyone, not just ‘highly intelligent‘ people. But for purposes of this post… yes. Open-minded.

Smarty-pants types also have a great sense of humor. I think I do. Others have told me I do. It must be true, right? I have to have a great sense of humor because I couldn’t survive without it. How else would I deal with all the shit that goes wrong in my life? I need humor… or I wouldn’t make it.

This last fact* is my favorite of them all. Are you ready for this? I wasn’t.

Highly intelligent people use curse words. I wonder if this a case of the more you do it, the smarter you are? I don’t know but I am sooo using this explanation the next time I slip in front of Mom.

Anyway… I don’t mean to brag, but I guess I am kind of bragging… because all of these do seem to apply to me…

I must be a fucking genius.

*not actually a fact

Posted in life, list, writing | Tagged intelligent, life, list, smart, whatsandrathinks, writing | 37 Comments

today has been a bear.

Posted on 23 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

Warning: Too many gifs follow. I was having fun… and needed a laugh. Maybe it’ll work for you, too…

This is the fourth post I’ve written today. Maybe it’ll be the one I actually post. I’ve killed the rest. I think I’m having trouble focusing due to pain. And due to sadness due to pain. And due to anger due to sadness due to pain. I might like to smash the crap out of something.

ice bear.

But I won’t. Instead I’ll just sit here and try to write… because that’s what I do when I’m alone… and I’m alone at the moment.

Again, my daughter is sleeping at a friend’s house… and my husband and son (the other two kids) went to Toys R Us because the business is going under and the liquidation sales have begun. Yeah, we need more toys in the house. Come on. Everyone spends more time on their phones than doing anything else anyway.

I guess if I’m having trouble focusing on writing, I could do something else. I tried drawing earlier. That failed. Maybe a little light reading.

But I haven’t been feeling much like reading lately. That’s not like me, but then again, I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Too much stress, I think. Like more than usual. But I need to find something to get my mind off things so I don’t stress-eat.

Of course, it’s late and I haven’t had dinner. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time staring at the screen waiting for something to happen.

And getting super annoyed when it doesn’t.

That’s it. I’m going to find something for dinner. I don’t care if it’s only for me. Maybe I’ll make something super delicious… a special treat. No one has to know.

Wish I had the proper ingredients for cheesecake. That would be a great dinner. But I’m too lazy to make one anyway. I guess I could just buy a cheesecake. Of course, I’m too lazy to go out, too.

Sigh.

Maybe I can hire someone to bake for me when I win MegaMillions tonight.

♥sandra

Posted in humor, life, television, writing | Tagged humor, life, television, we bare bears, whatsandrathinks, writing | 24 Comments

surrounded. #poetry

Posted on 22 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

I try to believe
the sun will rise tomorrow
but part of me knows
the dark cloud that surrounds me
will stay with me forever.

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged life, poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 13 Comments

jinxed.

Posted on 21 March 2018 by what sandra thinks

Yet another post that I don’t know if I should publish. Maybe I’ll remove it. Due to shame. Or something. Hell, I wrote it yesterday. And trashed it. Then I came back to it today.

I’ve been so excited about the writing I’ve been doing for A-to-Z that I haven’t written much else. I’m not happy about that, but more importantly, I think I’ve jinxed myself. I feel like the story that’s playing out is coming to a natural conclusion… and it’s going to be ‘over‘ at about S. Are the remaining 7 days/letters going to be boring crap? I realize I have some time, but if the ultimate plan involves rewriting anything I’ve already written, I have less time.

I guess I’ll figure it out. But I find myself doing the writing-procrastination thing now… I wasn’t doing that at all a few days ago. Crap.

Then there’s everything else…

I lost the cleaning-and-organizing ‘bug‘ I had. I think it was helping me psychologically. So that sucks.

My phone is fucked up. I already mentioned this. So I’ll leave it at that. Sucks.

My back pain has not improved. I know this injection (ESI) isn’t supposed to help immediately. It can take ten days… even more. But, I had the ESI last week… on Thursday. It’s Wednesday and nothing. No change.

I know, don’t give up. Does it matter? I have no control over this. Either it’s going to work or it’s not. What I think is irrelevant. I’ve tried so hard to remain optimistic about this. Way more than you think, I promise you.

[And for the record, the back pain issue is bringing me down WAY more than anything else. If something could just work out with that… it would make a world of difference in my life.]

But I’m jinxed.

Seriously… what the fuck? Things go right for some people. Even things beyond their control. Why can’t it ever be me? My family? My life? But no… never. It’s even to a point where my kids say things like, ‘Why is it always us?‘ Everyone in my family sees it. We have a fucking nickname for it. The ‘my-last-name-here’ Curse.

I’ve tried to find a positive angle. And I did! I found several… At least I can still use my phone despite its issues… it’s still possible that the injection could work… maybe the cleaning phase will return. But none of those thoughts are going to get me the ‘right‘ outcome. Like I said… what I think is irrelevant. Shit just goes wrong all the fucking time… no matter what I think… no matter what I do.

Please, do not say, ‘find something positive in your life‘. I don’t give a fuck what’s positive. That has nothing to do with this. I could list 100 positive things, but they wouldn’t change back pain injection outcome… or other kids being assholes to my kids…. or not winning the lottery (a joke, kind of, but it speaks to my unluckiness just the same)…. or my phone being fucked up.

I’m sick of this curse. Yes, I truly believe there is one. And please, for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me that it’s only there because I believe it is. I didn’t believe it was there until it was there. I didn’t invent it. I wasn’t even the first person to see it!

Jinxed.