It’s not that I’ve been acting all ‘sunshine and rainbows‘. Is that the expression? Maybe I’m just making shit up. I’m not familiar with that state of mind. I prefer my own name for it anyway… sunshine stick up your ass. Anyway… I think you know what I mean. I haven’t been acting that way. I’m not even sure I’m capable of that. But I have been pretending.

Even my last post… It wasn’t what I’d call cheerful but it doesn’t accurately represent how I feel either. There’s some sugar-coating going on… and it’s not even enough to be noticeable. It’s mild sugar-coating.

Damn… if it’s going to be sugar-coated, I should take it all the way.

Or not at all.

The truth is… I have been feeling desperate, hopeless, and alone. I can pretend that’s not true. And I’m glad I have that ability. But sometimes it’s extremely lonely.

[I faked you out with my post title, didn’t I? Sorry. I have a sick sense of humor…]

My reality is worse than I let on. There are things I don’t talk about. And they’re bad on their own… but even worse piled onto everything else.

Oh, I’m still not going to talk about them.

Hell, I don’t even know why I’m writing this post.

Maybe it’s a confession… because I feel dishonest and I don’t like that feeling.

Maybe I’m just venting… because I’m so fucking angry that this is my life.

But I know what it’s not. It’s not an invitation for someone to tell me to ‘just fix it‘. That’s maddening. It’s like ‘snap out of it‘. It makes me feel a million times worse. Those things are standard ‘things to never say to a depressed person‘. Honestly, what should my response be?  Oh… thank you! I never thought of that. Let me just snap my fingers and make it all better. Damn, I must be a fucking moron for not fixing everything sooner since it’s so simple!

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because that’s so untrue. I know people mean well. And I know it’s hard not to try to fix it. But no one can. Even the little steps people suggest… I know it’s impossible for them to understand—unless they also have depression—but those aren’t ‘just do it‘ things either. They, too, make me feel worse. Tiny anthills feel like Mt. Fucking Everest. And to me, it’s like being told I’m an idiot… or I’m lazy… or I’m not good enough. I already know I’m not good enough. I don’t need to be reminded.

No one can fix someone’s depression any more than they can fix someone’s cancer.

Seriously… when is the last time anyone told a cancer patient to ‘just stop having cancer‘?

This is not different. I’m not saying depression and cancer are equivalent illnesses. But, hell, some cancers can be cured. Depression cannot. And they can certainly both lead to death.

[I guess I figured out why I wrote this post. It turned into sort of a how-to-be-a-depressed-person’s-friend post. I had no idea that was going to happen.]

[Another note: When I told my mental health NP that I have a blog, she told me that writing on this topic might help a lot of people. I don’t know about that, but her saying that makes me feel a little less humiliated when I do write about it. And make no mistake… I am humiliated. Is a cancer patient humiliated that he/she has cancer? No. So why am I?]

[One more note: this blog will never only be about this. I’m here for fiction, random thoughts, humor, poetry, and fun. And life. But life isn’t always fun. I hope I never scare anyone away. Oh hell, A-to-Z starts Sunday… those posts will be so far from this topic… which will be good for me… and for you. I might even post something lighter later today… my moods follow no rules.]


©2018 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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33 Responses to sugar-coated.

  1. The V Pub says:

    *tip toes past front door to Sandra’s house*

    Liked by 2 people

  2. **hug** 😔

    Oh, and I agree with your NP. You’re not alone in this. I kinda wish you’d write more often, actually. Not just about depression. But not never about it either. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Agree totally with Beach. We love you for who you are, what you are, and how you are, not for what others would have you turn into. Lots of us understand a little (some a lot) of what you go through every day. Some have experienced it themselves, some with loved ones.
    Keep writing Sandra. It’s good for you, and it’s good for us.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think the number of followers you have speaks to how relatable you are. I also think most people appreciate honesty in whatever form. I’m just so sad that nothing is working for you with your depression and pain. Hugs, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much. You’e sweet. ♥ I do feel that what I’m taking (meds) is helping… a lot. But I think everything constantly going wrong is causing problems… along with the constant pain.


  5. gigglingfattie says:

    I think it’s super great that you are writing about how you really feel. And I agree with your NP that it could help others as well. Just knowing that someone is going through something kind of the same or even the exact same can help in so many different ways.

    I’m really sorry you are feeling like this, though! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. People have said to me ‘Cheer Up, it might never happen’ it makes me want to punch them…..not really, I’m a wimp, but I agree with everything you said and you must continue to talk about depression, for the ones who are suffering but unable to articulate their thoughts. x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Meg says:

    I’ll add an ‘agree’ to what the others have said. We love you for who you are, flaws and all (and we’ve all got them). Your writing about depression is helpful to anyone feeling the same way in knowing that they aren’t the only one. So few people grasp what it feels like to have depression and anxiety, that reading your honest words will bring a measure of comfort. Not to mention it educates those readers who may have someone in their lives with depression with whom they don’t know what to say or how to act. We love you, girlfriend! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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