jinxed.

Yet another post that I don’t know if I should publish. Maybe I’ll remove it. Due to shame. Or something. Hell, I wrote it yesterday. And trashed it. Then I came back to it today. 

I’ve been so excited about the writing I’ve been doing for A-to-Z that I haven’t written much else. I’m not happy about that, but more importantly, I think I’ve jinxed myself. I feel like the story that’s playing out is coming to a natural conclusion… and it’s going to be ‘over‘ at about S. Are the remaining 7 days/letters going to be boring crap? I realize I have some time, but if the ultimate plan involves rewriting anything I’ve already written, I have less time.

I guess I’ll figure it out. But I find myself doing the writing-procrastination thing now… I wasn’t doing that at all a few days ago. Crap.

Then there’s everything else…

I lost the cleaning-and-organizing ‘bug‘ I had. I think it was helping me psychologically. So that sucks.

My phone is fucked up. I already mentioned this. So I’ll leave it at that. Sucks.

My back pain has not improved. I know this injection (ESI) isn’t supposed to help immediately. It can take ten days… even more. But, I had the ESI last week… on Thursday. It’s Wednesday and nothing. No change.

I know, don’t give up. Does it matter? I have no control over this. Either it’s going to work or it’s not. What I think is irrelevant. I’ve tried so hard to remain optimistic about this. Way more than you think, I promise you.

[And for the record, the back pain issue is bringing me down WAY more than anything else. If something could just work out with that… it would make a world of difference in my life.]

But I’m jinxed.

Seriously… what the fuck? Things go right for some people. Even things beyond their control. Why can’t it ever be me? My family? My life? But no… never. It’s even to a point where my kids say things like, ‘Why is it always us?‘ Everyone in my family sees it. We have a fucking nickname for it. The ‘my-last-name-here’ Curse.

I’ve tried to find a positive angle. And I did! I found several… At least I can still use my phone despite its issues… it’s still possible that the injection could work… maybe the cleaning phase will return. But none of those thoughts are going to get me the ‘right‘ outcome. Like I said… what I think is irrelevant. Shit just goes wrong all the fucking time… no matter what I think… no matter what I do.

Please, do not say, ‘find something positive in your life‘. I don’t give a fuck what’s positive. That has nothing to do with this. I could list 100 positive things, but they wouldn’t change back pain injection outcome… or other kids being assholes to my kids…. or not winning the lottery (a joke, kind of, but it speaks to my unluckiness just the same)…. or my phone being fucked up.

I’m sick of this curse. Yes, I truly believe there is one. And please, for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me that it’s only there because I believe it is. I didn’t believe it was there until it was there. I didn’t invent it. I wasn’t even the first person to see it!

Jinxed.

• • • • •
©2018 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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60 Responses to jinxed.

  1. I’ll spare you any of my usual crap. I’ll get on board. Life does just simply suck sometimes. I don’t know why. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know shit. I’ll just have my talk with my god and try to put a good word in for y’all. I don’t know what else to do.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The V Pub says:

    The pain can really influence your perspective on life. I know when I was in pain, I was not fun to be with at all. No matter what advice that you approve of, or don’t approve of, it comes down granularity. What’s the top issue? Deal with that in a vacuum without considering anything else. Fix that, then move onto the next issue. It’s like cleaning a house that kids have completely turned upside down. You can’t clean all of the rooms at once, so tackle one at a time. I’ll put your bill in the mail. Payment expected within 30 days.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Suze says:

    life does suck…especially when you have chronic pain. I know what that feels like as I have two ruptured discs that i refuse to go through surgery without insurance for…can you try alternative medicine? like acupuncture? It helps a bit for me and the cost is reasonable enough even i can afford it every few months or so.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am unemployed. Money is a huge issue. It’s not good that I’ve spent as much as I have for copays already… so even if another type of treatment was “only” the copayment, I can’t afford to pay that on a frequent, ongoing basis. But acupuncture would not be covered at all anyway… I did try it several years ago, but it had no effect on me at all. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg says:

    Oh man… well of course I’m going to say the treatment still could work so don’t lose hope on that front. But you’re right sometimes life just sucks for no apparent reason and not your fault and nothing you can do. However…. just because it sucks now doesn’t mean it will always suck, so again I say … Don’t lose hope!

    As for ending the A to Z story at S, maybe T through Z can be your character returning to the diary in the far future and filling us in on what happened later?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know things could still get better with my back… but it just seems like history is telling me something about my life and the suckage. (I don’t think that’s a real word…)

      I like your idea for the story. I’ve got to keep writing to see what makes sense… but thank you so much for this idea. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        I am glad you like it! And I’ll send you a hug and hope the injection kicks in and you get some relief. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        • God, I really hope so, too. I just don’t think there’s anything left they can try after this and I don’t want to have this pain for the rest of my life… Thanks for the hug… ♥

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg says:

            There are always new treatments emerging out of necessity. You can’t be the only one without good results from the treatments they’ve already tried. The trouble is usually getting insurance to cover newer procedures. Which is stupid, really… They end up spending more of their money making you jump through hoops than they would if they let the doctors do what they think is best for their patients! ‘Murica…

            Liked by 1 person

  5. Suze says:

    well crap. There must be something.any medical universities near you that would provide no cost treatment so the kids can practice? I’ve been getting my teeth fixed one at a time this way.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. alygrushkin says:

    This. is everything. I’m so sorry you’re having a tough go of it, but I love your disclaimer – I go through that every time I post something… Should I do this or not, is this shit or not… am I just bitching for the sake to bitch. But I totally get it! Totally not a plug, and I know nothing about your back pain issue, but have you tried essential oils? The deep blue rub is amazing for all pain… and there are other oils that have incredible healing properties! XOXO – MUCH MUCH love!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much. ♥ I have not tried essential oils. I’m just so disappointed with how everything’s been going. For years, I didn’t do anything about the pain because I figured I just had to live with it. But finally I did speak up about it and now everything that I’ve tried so far has failed. It’s, like, extra disappointing, if that makes any sense…
      Thanks again. ♥

      Like

      • alygrushkin says:

        Ugh – I completely understand! If you’re interested in trying oils let me know! I’d be happy to send you some free samples ❤

        Like

      • Suze says:

        silly question time….what kind of mattress do you sleep on.? I’ve just recently discovered a memory foam one actually doesn’t hurt..and there have been days when I feel almost good.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I love my mattress… but it is not memory foam. I’ve tried memory foam but I woke up miserable. In fact, I have less pain when I’m in bed, but with the memory foam, it got worse. I usually have less pain when I wake up… it gets worse throughout the day, especially with a lot of standing. That’s the worst for me.

          Like

  7. I have no helpful thoughts to offer except to say that I understand chronic pain and it is debilitating. I do hope you feel better soon and that your truly f’d up weather straightens out. What craziness this March is bringing! Sending love and gentle hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This has nothing to do with whether I love myself or not. It’s about things always going wrong. And especially about my physical pain. You seem to think things are just going to suddenly turn around. That would be great! But that hasn’t happened yet… and it’s been many many years… well over 20. After much pain I’ll appreciate little things? I already do. And that’s all there ever are… tiny things. I’ve been in pain for most of my life. Why would things suddenly magically turn around now? I mean, that would be great, but how can I possibly think that would happen? That’s not the way things go for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hunida says:

    I hate when people tell me something only happens or feels a certain way because I believe it. That’s so bullshit. I really am hoping that injection kicks in for you soon, Sandra. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

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