Yet another post that I don’t know if I should publish. Maybe I’ll remove it. Due to shame. Or something. Hell, I wrote it yesterday. And trashed it. Then I came back to it today.
I’ve been so excited about the writing I’ve been doing for A-to-Z that I haven’t written much else. I’m not happy about that, but more importantly, I think I’ve jinxed myself. I feel like the story that’s playing out is coming to a natural conclusion… and it’s going to be ‘over‘ at about S. Are the remaining 7 days/letters going to be boring crap? I realize I have some time, but if the ultimate plan involves rewriting anything I’ve already written, I have less time.
I guess I’ll figure it out. But I find myself doing the writing-procrastination thing now… I wasn’t doing that at all a few days ago. Crap.
Then there’s everything else…
I lost the cleaning-and-organizing ‘bug‘ I had. I think it was helping me psychologically. So that sucks.
My phone is fucked up. I already mentioned this. So I’ll leave it at that. Sucks.
My back pain has not improved. I know this injection (ESI) isn’t supposed to help immediately. It can take ten days… even more. But, I had the ESI last week… on Thursday. It’s Wednesday and nothing. No change.
I know, don’t give up. Does it matter? I have no control over this. Either it’s going to work or it’s not. What I think is irrelevant. I’ve tried so hard to remain optimistic about this. Way more than you think, I promise you.
[And for the record, the back pain issue is bringing me down WAY more than anything else. If something could just work out with that… it would make a world of difference in my life.]
But I’m jinxed.
Seriously… what the fuck? Things go right for some people. Even things beyond their control. Why can’t it ever be me? My family? My life? But no… never. It’s even to a point where my kids say things like, ‘Why is it always us?‘ Everyone in my family sees it. We have a fucking nickname for it. The ‘my-last-name-here’ Curse.
I’ve tried to find a positive angle. And I did! I found several… At least I can still use my phone despite its issues… it’s still possible that the injection could work… maybe the cleaning phase will return. But none of those thoughts are going to get me the ‘right‘ outcome. Like I said… what I think is irrelevant. Shit just goes wrong all the fucking time… no matter what I think… no matter what I do.
Please, do not say, ‘find something positive in your life‘. I don’t give a fuck what’s positive. That has nothing to do with this. I could list 100 positive things, but they wouldn’t change back pain injection outcome… or other kids being assholes to my kids…. or not winning the lottery (a joke, kind of, but it speaks to my unluckiness just the same)…. or my phone being fucked up.
I’m sick of this curse. Yes, I truly believe there is one. And please, for fuck’s sake, don’t tell me that it’s only there because I believe it is. I didn’t believe it was there until it was there. I didn’t invent it. I wasn’t even the first person to see it!
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