meltdown.

[Warning: This is dark. Really dark. And really bitchy. And maybe even scary. And just generally bad. My deepest apologies in advance.]

×

Sometimes it’s better not to talk about it. And by ‘it‘ I mean everything in my life. Everything. Every fucking thing. Literally. Everything.

But today, I talked about it. I was in the midst of a (relatively) small problem when Mom called earlier today. And I just lost it. My poor mom.

I’m not doing well. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. And every other way you can think of. Everything has gone to hell. Well, it’s been hell… and it still is. So… that’s me.

My kids ask for things I cannot give them. Not extravagant things… not really. Things all their friends have. I know, I know… it’s not about things. But when you’re 10 or 13, it kind of is. And I feel awful for them. So… that’s my kids.

My husband is a giant pain in the ass. I know I sound mean about him… and he deserves that to some extent. But on the other hand, he really is busy, tired, and stressed out. That’s my fault since the stress is financial and I can’t find a workable job. But still. His priorities are a little fucked up sometimes. So… that’s my husband.

×

I’m so fucking sick of my life. When the fuck is something going to go right for me? For us? None of this is an exaggeration. Nothing goes right for me and my family. Not a fucking thing. I told you I was jinxed. [And in most ways, this is kind of the same post as that one.]

Mom heard it all from me today. And I felt bad… because of course she wants to help but she knows there’s nothing she can do. She feels helpless… and that’s not wrong. There is no help for me. Trust me… I’ve thought of everything and tried so many things… but nothing. Nothing changes.

AND about 2 minutes after I got off the call with Mom, my daughter’s school called because some asshole kid pushed her into a muddy puddle during recess. She was all wet and very upset. I had to bring her some dry clothes. When I got there, it was an hour and a half before the end of school. They said it was up to me if I wanted to just take her home so I did.

Jinxed.

Did you know that most days, after I bring the kids to school, I want desperately to go back to sleep so I don’t have to face the day? I want to skip 8:45 to 2:00. Every day. Then I pick up the kids and at least I feel like I have a reason to exist.

Find something good? There is nothing.

My kids? Not going well. My health? Back pain. [And my head? Fucked up… due to circumstances… no med can fix those.] My marriage? Frustrating. Extended family? Just makes me feel like more of a loser.

Okay…
I think my A to Z thing is going well. There. Something good. Woo fucking hoo.

I need to be around other people more but I don’t want to be. Maybe this is awful, but it’s hard for me to be around people because their lives are better than mine. So basically, being with anyone makes me feel like shit. And being alone makes me feel like shit. I never get a break from feeling like shit.

Yes… I fucking know there are people who have it worse. You know what? Just because someone has it worse doesn’t better my situation. It doesn’t do shit.

Every single day I question whether or not I can go on. I wonder how I’m going to make it. Sometimes, I don’t even care anymore.

But I have to stick around for my kids. But I wonder if I’m even good for them. I’m a fucking disaster of a human being.

×

You don’t have to say anything. I know there really is nothing anyone can say. I’m just so fucking frustrated with every single thing in my life. And I see absolutely no way to make any of it better. 

And I don’t want to put a god damn smile on my face and pretend everything’s great. Because it’s not. It fucking sucks.

×

[You’re going to ask me if I’m okay. I’m not. Maybe later tonight I won’t feel quite this bad. Maybe tomorrow it won’t seem as bleak. But these feelings keep coming back so I don’t know how to just dismiss them as a ‘mood’. They’re never gone. I honestly don’t know how to go on like this… yet I can’t fix any of it either. Where the fuck does that leave me?]

[And finally… I may remove this post. Yes, again I’m saying this. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I feel the need to reach out… to get this out… but I also know that there’s no point… and I’m only humiliating myself further.]

×

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, rant, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

49 Responses to meltdown.

  1. Tony Burgess says:

    My heart goes out to you. It’s OK to feel the way you do. Not everything can be perfect all the time and most times its no where close. You should let it all out because if you don’t it will eat you alive. I don’t have any answers but know there are people here in the blogosphere who are here to help if we can.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ve got me worried…..as always no WOW (words of wisdom), because I know exactly how you feel, take care hun.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cyranny says:

    Sorry to read this, Sandra… I know nothing I could tell would help, but I hope you’ll feel better soon! *warmest hugs* xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I won’t say anything….well, only 2 things: sending you hugs, and you don’t have anything to be ashamed of.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I just know there are no answers… it’s not that I don’t want anyone to talk to me… I just know there’s nothing. I just want things to change… but it seems clear that that’s not going to happen.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg says:

    I’m going to just send my love, my wishes that we were in closer physical proximity and my reassurance that you should not be embarrassed at all to vent here to your friends. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I like how you apologized to start with. The best thing to do is verbalise and doing so here is the best way to let it out. 💓💓

    Liked by 1 person

  7. jrvincente says:

    No humiliation. Honest, raw truth. Your truth. And it needs to be shared.

    And I want to echo this: “Yes… I fucking know there are people who have it worse. You know what? Just because someone has it worse doesn’t better my situation. It doesn’t do shit.”

    Other people’s struggles don’t mean yours aren’t valid. Don’t feel guilty about your own struggles because of others. You said it. I just want to make sure you remember it. It’s one of those things that are hard to remember.

    *hugs* from an internet stranger, (if you want them).

    Jayden

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Honey8 says:

    Don’t be ashamed to reach out. Maybe this is just a dark post but it is something more than that. You expressed all your feelings in this words and you may be feeling a bit better.
    Remember friend we are given this life cause we are strong enough to live it. Or else all of us won’t be alive . I know it’s hard to deal with everything but everyday gives reasons to smile. Just don’t lose hopes. Have faith. All will be fine. Take care ✨❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. “it’s hard for me to be around people because their lives are better than mine” — I think sometimes when we know people on a superficial level, we feel like this. It also depends on the person, I’ve found. I have friends who brag about shit and I know to stay away from them when I’m going through something. And then you have regular people who go through the same struggles and don’t pretend otherwise – if you ever find someone like that, hang on to them. ❤

    Secondly, feel embarrassed (I can’t say don’t feel that way because that would make me a hypocrite) – but know that I’m not judging you for feeling bad. I doubt most people are.

    Thirdly – you look after and provide for your kids and while things aren’t perfect, you’re getting by. That’s something good.

    Fourthly, picture Chris Hemsworth naked. 😜 (Yes, this is my sorry attempt at humour. I apologize.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I find it hard to be around pretty much everyone. Yes, those who brag are far worse. But even those who don’t… I just know their lives are better than mine and it makes me feel like hell. It’s not their fault… it’s that this shit is always in my head. Even just watching tv… every single person… every single character… their lives are better than mine.

      Most of the time I feel like we are barely getting by. And I know my kids aren’t as happy as they should be. It breaks my heart. And it tells me that I never should have become a mom.

      I will picture CH naked. In bed. With me. Thanks for the suggestion… it did make me smile. 🙂

      Thank you ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • You ‘know’ or you feel that way? Someone sent me a really cool video last week that basically says that we all have different paths. We all find success and happiness in our own time. There’s no arbitrary date for us to have our shit together. Some people might have a better life than you now, but who’s to say it won’t be the opposite at some point? It’s not even worth thinking about.

        I think that you are probably doing better than you think you are. ❤❤

        The thought of naked Chris should makes everyone smile. It’s the closest thing we’ll ever get to perfection!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I get it. I can’t “know” that other people’s lives are better than mine. But I do know that in at least some aspects, they are. That’s a definite.

          I don’t see me ever finding success or happiness. I don’t confirm or deny my age, but at this point in my life, I’ve already wasted the good years, I think. Success or happiness now will never change the years I lost… and I don’t think those things are coming my way anyway.

          I feel like I’m doing worse now than I ever have in my life. I think that way because I don’t see any light anymore. I guess I’ve lost hope. I just don’t think it’s possible for things to get better. I wish I could stop caring so it wouldn’t hurt so much.

          Liked by 1 person

  10. Marquessa says:

    There is no embarrassment in being honest with how you feel. Wish we could have a coffee together!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t think your post is dark, I think it’s beautiful. The truth, is something rarely seen these days and it’s refreshing to see your confidence in being able to talk about the things in your life that are trying to knock you down. It’s motivating to see you still standing.

    It’s easy for us to think other people’s lives are better than our own but sweetheart that isn’t true. As the saying goes, the grass isn’t always greener. Some people are better actors at hiding their emotions, bad relationships and low points. Social media had made it popular to post about how wonderful life is when behind the camera people are miserable, hurt and lonely. You can’t look at others and assume, building them up will only pull you down.

    Your kids are young and you might feel that they aren’t happy but you love them and deep down they know it. When they get older, they’ll better understand the hardships and just how much you fought for them. Material things won’t matter and the “friends” they have no in school will no longer exist in their lives enough to care about the things they had that your kids didn’t when they were younger. You’re a wonderful mother, no one can take that away from you. If you didn’t care or you weren’t a good mother I don’t think it would hurt you so bad that you feel like you’re failing. You’re doing your best and sometimes, that just has to be enough.

    Take care of yourself and know that here you always have a safe space and although strangers, people who will help you through! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is amazing because I certainly don’t feel like I have any confidence at all… and I don’t feel like I could possibly be motivating!

      I really do think everyone I know has a better life than I have. In many cases, I know that they do… at least in some ways… maybe all ways.

      I really hope my kids aren’t ruined for life because of me. I don’t think I’m good enough for them. The material things… I guess I know they won’t matter later in life. But having good memories will matter and I can’t seem to give them even that. That makes me feel like a failure.

      Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts… it means a lot to me … and I wish I knew how to say that better. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Don’t ever feel ashamed of being in a situation which is not easy to deal with. By writing it out, I hope it helps ease the tension if only a fractional amount. Every little counts in this state of mind. I know you feel lost right now, it seems you are at the end of your tether with just about everything. I don’t feel like I am qualified to offer advice, but just based off of my own experience of being in similar situations, I would suggest taking little steps. If there are things that you are able to deal with, no matter how small, tackle them first. It is unbelievable how much stress even the littlest things can cause and when they pile up, it just does not help. I know it is hard, trust me I know, but if you can try and at least acknowledge your victories, no matter how insignificant you deem them, that might help kickstart your mind into seeing things in a better light. Even your most dire situations. You are never going to have the answers to everything, it isn’t possible, but just because you don’t have the answers, doesn’t mean they aren’t solvable. Please believe in yourself and know that you are strong and can get through anything. Small changes in thought can make the world of difference and things could start falling into place. I wholeheartedly hope that things start to get better for you. And here is the biggest of digital hugs for you. Just remember that your followers are here for you and we care. You rant as much as you want to, never feel ashamed for it. This is your space. Your world. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel really helpless. I’m struggling to even find small things I can handle. I think things have gotten so bad that I’m having trouble even with things that did not used to be impossible for me. I don’t know if I let things build up too much… go on for too long… or what I did… But I feel helpless now. And I have no idea how to get out of the hole. I don’t know how to make things better so I find myself hoping something will just go right for a change. But I don’t think that happens for me. I’m just not lucky like that. Instead, everything just seems to go wrong.

      I wish I could do something. Anything. But I can’t seem to fix anything. I don’t want to feel like this forever.

      And I want to say thanks for everything you said… I feel so alone most of the time that reading this… your thoughts and support… means so much to me. Thank you. ♥

      Like

  13. Hey, you’ve been here before, and no doubt you will be again sometime, almost more times than you can bear. But you can bear it, and lots of us are here to help. Not to judge, not a single person!
    There is no need for embarrassment, no need to feel bad about venting, just keep writing. You’ve had some great posts of late, enjoyed by many. Keep it up, and keep taking in all these virtual hugs and good wishes from so many of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Bill says:

    I clicked on “10 songs to make you cry” today. I knew them all well. Reading this reminded me. I want to say something to help, but we both know that will not happen. You have a right to feel as you do. thoughts? They are all i can offer.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Marcy says:

    Your post reminds me of so many of my journal entries while raising my kids . . . and even before actually. Hang in there and keep looking for the good things in life. Your kids obviously think you’re a good Mom! Keep on the the A to Z! Better Days will come!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really hope better days are coming. I’m not sure how many more bad ones I can get through. Today I tried so hard to at least get all of this out of my head. At least for a while. I didn’t do well but have been mostly okay tonight. Mornings tend to be the worst. Thank you for your kind thoughts. ♥

      Like

  16. Pingback: song of the day. #56 #music | what sandra thinks

  17. Hi Darlin, absolutely no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Sometimes it helps a tiny bit to get things off your chest. Really wish I had answers for you. For now just know I’m sendings hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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