I haven’t posted one of these for quite a while. Maybe I don’t have as many secrets as I thought… or maybe I’m not as willing to share them as I thought.
I’ve been [extra] anxious all week. I think it’s the reason I’ve been struggling with my a-to-z story… I think it’s why I’ve been moody… I think it’s why I’ve been somewhat unpleasant. So, I should start with an apology. I’m sorry. I’ve been kind of difficult lately.
This isn’t even a particularly good or juicy secret. It’s really just something I haven’t bothered mentioning. I’m not even sure why. Maybe I thought I’d jinx it. But, come on, I’m already jinxed. Does it really matter?
This morning I had a third injection in my back. And, yes, god dammit, I did go into it with a very positive attitude! I have been telling myself all week that this has to be the one that works. After my last follow-up appointment, I felt good about this next attempt… but I haven’t said anything about it. Sure, I’m scared it won’t work. Of course I am. I can only muster so much optimism.
[For those of you just joining… here’s some history…
I have been in pain for years. I finally decided that I should not have to live with it and I should try to get help. So I did… but so far, I have had no improvement. The first injection I had was kind of a ‘test’ to see if blocking some of the nerves would help. That failed. The second was the same type of injection I had today (ESI) but it didn’t give me any pain relief at all. Today’s was in a different spot.]
I won’t know if it ‘worked‘ for a few days… four to seven… or maybe even longer. But I’m trying to be hopeful. Because I am so tired of being in pain all the time. And because I don’t know what else they can try after this. And because I know that at some point, my stupid health insurance is going to stop covering these procedures. (I could go on for hours about how angry it makes me that my healthcare is often decided by a fucking insurance company and not my doctor(s)… but I will spare you that rant.)
This may sound ridiculous, but I think maybe today’s injection was different. I barely remember feeling any pain at all during the actual injection for the first two. But today, I felt it. It hurt. Not unbearably so, but I definitely felt it. Does that mean it’s the right spot? I have no idea… I could be totally wrong… but it felt different. Maybe it’s all in my head.
There was sedation involved. I’m not going to lie… I love the sedation. I’d like to be able to do that on my own as needed. (I know… I sound like a junkie. I promise I’m not…) It is so relaxing. I rarely feel that mellow. But because of the sedation, I had to get a ride this morning. And I’m not supposed to drive for 24 hours. But I do have to pick up my kids after school. It’ll be okay… I’m fine. Just un-stressed… for once.
More so physically than mentally, though. I can never fully get rid of the mental stress.
God, that would be fucking awesome. How does that feel? I really don’t know…
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