what sandra thinks

still alone.

Posted on 26 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

I started alone
looking for answers
hoping for a love
to break the cycle
to bring my heart
out of darkness
into joyful light

when I found you
I thought my search
had finally ended
but in the stark
morning sunshine
I saw you for
what you truly were

a dream
a figment of my
imagination
a love that would
never be real
a hopeful feeling
that would only die

I should have known
how this would end
found no answers
lost hope for love
caught in the cycle
I started alone
I ended alone

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 10 Comments

twenty random questions.

Posted on 25 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

I compiled some random questions from all over the place… just for fun. If you’d like to answer these, too (no pressure), please do! Tag me so I find your post… or just answer in the comments. Maybe you’ll learn something new about me. Something I’m sure you never needed to know…!

Do you have a nickname?
Not currently. Please do not call me Sandy… I hate it so much. When I was little, my dad used to call me buttercup. He called my daughter that, too… which fits since she’s a little clone of me.

Do you drink coffee?
Yes… more than any other beverage.

coffee.

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
Coffee. Duh.

Describe a happy childhood memory.
Two immediately come to mind. First, Dad teaching me how to swim in a hotel pool in Florida. Second, seeing a movie in the theater for the very first time… at DisneyWorld… (it was Cinderella).

What’s your favorite meal?
Breakfast. French toast? Pancakes? Omelets? Donuts? Bacon? Cinnamon rolls? Coffee? Yeah. Breakfast.

Name something you cannot live without.
Coffee. Duh. Okay, also, the internet. And love. And breakfast.

What color pants are you wearing?
Black.

Did you get good grades in school?
Yes… I was kind of a nerd. Although to be fair, I didn’t really act like one. School was easy for me… I didn’t have to try very hard.

Any phobias?
I have a debilitating fear of heights. I get anxious on a stool. If I go up to the attic, I’m trapped up there as it’s easier for me to go up than come down.

Are you named after anyone?
Not the Sandra part. My maiden name starts with S and when choosing a name for me, Dad thought at least one of his kids should have the initials SS so they chose Sandra. My middle name is my beloved late maternal grandmother’s name.

Last time you cried and why?
This morning. I have no idea why.

What color crayon would you be?
Carnation pink. Bahahaha. Just kidding. Black.

What do you hear right now?
Tina Belcher / Bob’s Burgers

What’s the last movie you watched?
Rogue One. Watched it with my son earlier today.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yes… it’s the only death-related explanation in which I find comfort. Hopefully I don’t come back as a cockroach.

What do you think is your best physical feature?
Hair, eyes, and boobs.

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck… in all its forms.

Have you ever skinny-dipped before?
Yes. Several times… in pools and lakes. Never in the ocean, though. Not on purpose anyway.

Do you talk to yourself?
Often. Enough that some might question my sanity.

Do you have a favorite tv show?
Hawaii Five-0. Gulp.

Posted in autobiographical, list, writing | Tagged autobiographical, questions, random, whatsandrathinks, writing | 33 Comments

song of the day. #31 | way-down edition.

Posted on 24 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

song of the day | what sandra thinks

I’ve been feeling down lately. Really really far down. Sometimes it truly seems like I’m not allowed to feel good. How can I not think that? Every time I get a taste of it, it goes away. It seems feeling good just isn’t in the cards for me. I keep telling myself (I’m doing it right now) that I’m okay… I’m good… that these bad feelings have no place in my reality… but they won’t quit… they’re filling me up and I can tell I’m about to drown.

Usually when I go from up to down (or down to up) I can pinpoint the moment the tides turned. But right now, I’m sinking and I don’t know what happened.

Is it ever going to get easier? In my lifetime? In my next life? Ever? Or is everything always going to feel so difficult… so complicated and messy? I feel like it’s all a big game and I’m losing. And I don’t want to play anymore. I’m sick of fighting all the damn time. I’m exhausted. I want to quit all the meds. It feels pointless. I feel pointless. I just want it all to stop. It’s too hard… I’m not strong enough.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I thought I’d ever be able to stop working so fucking hard to be okay… if I thought eventually it would get easier. But I don’t believe that.

[And let’s ignore that I’ve posted this song before. I’m sure no one remembers anyway.]

When routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And resentment rides high
But emotions won’t grow
And we’re changing our ways, taking different roads

Then love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again

(The poster that hung in my college dorm room…all 4 years…)

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged joy division, love will tear us apart, music, song of the day, whatsandrathinks, writing | 11 Comments

fiction friday 63: back to you. part 9.

Posted on 23 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

I’ve gone back to ‘fiction friday’… I’ll try not to mess with the ‘schedule’ again… xo

Continue reading →

Posted in fiction, fiction friday, romance, writing | Tagged back to you, fiction, fiction friday, fiction-tuesday, fictionfriday, romance, whatsandrathinks, writing | 47 Comments

mini golf.

Posted on 22 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

Today was a beautiful day so I took the kids to our favorite mini golf course. I remain the reigning champion. My son is bitter. My daughter is less bitter.

The place is beautiful.

They color the water so it always looks greenish blue… kind of weird… kind of cool.

Ignore my daughter’s head.

I love the waterfalls…

… and the fountains.

We got pretty hot by the end. The humidity is better… but it was still 85°F…

After, I got a big fat iced coffee. (Is there any other size?) And I spent a stupid amount getting the kids coolattas because how can I only get something for me? Oh, the guilt. By the way, in case you were wondering, the pink lemonade coolatta is delicious. But not as good as my butter pecan iced coffee… damn, that’s fabulous. I don’t know why they don’t have that year-round. Yummmm.

All images my own.
©2017 what sandra thinks

Posted in family, photography, writing | Tagged family, mini golf, photography, summer, whatsandrathinks, writing | 23 Comments

seven-letter word.

Posted on 21 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

numb.

I’ve been having trouble writing and posting lately. But I questioned whether or not I wanted to post this. Maybe I decided to do it because I know I’ve not been posting… or maybe I’ve finally realized that since I’ve written at least five different versions of this post over the past few weeks, I need to get it out of me. Yet I still have reservations… hopefully I won’t regret this…

—

I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life. And I hate it. Of course I hate it. I’ve seen doctors and nurses and counselors and therapists. I’m finally seeing someone who’s really good. Not because she gave me a diagnosis, something I never had until this past year, but because she really listens to me. She’s not even a therapist but she hears me more than any therapist ever has… even to the point where she sees that I’m not in a place right now where therapy is going to do me a damn bit of good.

But… a diagnosis is a double-edged sword. It’s a relief, in a way, to have one. There’s a real reason I am the way I am. It’s an illness. It’s not my fault. But when I heard the word, it freaked me out. It still freaks me out. In fact, I can’t get myself to type the seven-letter word in a post. I find it embarrassing. Like I should be able to fix it. Like I’m weak and pathetic because I can’t. Like people will run from me when they hear it. ‘She’s fucked up! Get me away from her!‘

I blame my bad decisions for the way I feel today. My fault. But should I be blaming my illness? Or is that just an excuse? It feels like I’m just making excuses. But… did those bad decisions bring me to where I am today or did the illness cause me to make those bad decisions? Some would say the latter. I’m not sure I’m on board, though. I continue to blame myself… to be ashamed and embarrassed… to hate myself for being this way. My NP has told me many times that I have a real illness… that none of this is my fault. Yet I struggle to believe her… to believe any of that.

Am I one of the very people I get frustrated with because they don’t think mental health illnesses are real illnesses? They think I can just ‘cheer up’ or ‘choose to feel better’ or other such cliché garbage. But it is an illness. I sure as fuck didn’t choose to have it. I wish I could choose not to have it and it’d be gone. Poof! I fucking wish. I wish my cousin could have chosen not to have cancer… but he had no say in the matter… and neither do I. I’m sure my cousin didn’t blame himself or hate himself for having cancer. Yet I blame myself… and I hate myself… for being this way. How is it different? The blame, the hate, the choosing, I mean. How is it different?

Please don’t run screaming away from me. I’d miss you.

Posted in anxiety, depression, writing | Tagged anxiety, depression, whatsandrathinks, writing | 57 Comments

boredom.

Posted on 19 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

I am so bored.

This has been going on for days. Maybe a week now. Part of it is physical… I’ve been having an exhaustion issue so I just don’t have the energy to do things. But fuck, I am bored as hell. Even staring at my laptop… at my fiction… writing of any kind. My brain is fried.

The kids haven’t had homework for the last week and a half… they’ve been bored after school. Tomorrow is their last day. The boredom is only going to get worse. I know some people are all about the ‘go outside‘ thing but it’s so humid right now it’s disgusting outside. Don’t know how the rest of the summer will be…

The beach is nice and not far but I guarantee the kids will be bored after about 20 minutes. Plus, once school is out, it’s going to be so damn crowded everywhere… ugh. No place to park… or paying a premium to do so. Suck. I know… I’m kind of a hermit. The exception is going to Mom’s (pool)… which we can do some days… but it’s an hour away with no traffic (which is never). We’ll go some days anyway… but not sure it’ll be more than once/week. Maybe we’ll stay over for a night here and there.

My daughter can come up with all sorts of little projects… as can I… but my son is not interested. It was so much easier to entertain them when they were younger! My son can occupy himself with his phone for way longer than I should allow… but even with that, eventually, he’s bored.

Maybe if I was raking in money, we could do more stuff… but you know, unemployment and all, I have to watch the spending. I wonder if I still know how to roller skate. That could be hilarious. Or it could result in injury. We love mini-golf… but not when it’s 90°F. Oh… bowling. I don’t know…

At least they have a karate belt test this afternoon. But I don’t know how to fix me. I’m empty. Even while I’m home alone… which I usually love even if just to write… I’m so bored… and the exhaustion is killing me. I’m totally unmotivated… and I could fall asleep at any moment.

End of whiny post.

Image from the book ‘I’m Bored’ written by Michael Ian Black and illustrated by Debbie Ridpath Ohi

Posted in writing | Tagged family, whatsandrathinks, writing | 59 Comments

the fiction experiment.

Posted on 17 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

I moved Fiction Friday to Tuesday. My reasoning was this: Some people have told me that my fiction is good and more people should be reading it. So, since blog traffic slows down from Friday to Sunday, posting on another day (Monday through Thursday) might bring more readers as those days generally get more traffic.

However, I haven’t noticed a positive change. In fact, views have gone down. Here’s what happened with views based on the average. (Yes, I am a math nerd.)

back to you pt 1 Fri +29
back to you pt 2 Fri +3
back to you pt 3 Fri +11
back to you pt 4 Fri +1
——————————————
back to you pt 5 Tue -5
back to you pt 6 Tue -9
back to you pt 7 Tue -11
back to you pt 8 Tue -16

Friday was actually better… for views and for likes and comments. I have no idea if these numbers truly provide an accurate picture of the success of these posts… but for my brain, numbers don’t lie. Hell, maybe people have just lost interest in my story. That would make the numbers go down as the story progresses, regardless of day. But still, I think Friday was better.

When I take the numbers into consideration along with my lack of a good name for ‘Fiction Tuesday‘ (I hate that so much), I’m left thinking I should go back to Friday. Tuesday is just not working. I hope another change doesn’t cause a slump… a loss of readers… but I’m changing back anyway.

Since it’s Saturday and I feel bad having 10 days between posts (for whomever may still be reading...), I think I’ll post this Tuesday… and this Friday… and then stay with Fridays after that.

Hope I haven’t lost you…

And as always, thanks for reading. ♥