song of the day. #31 | way-down edition.

song of the day | what sandra thinks

I’ve been feeling down lately. Really really far down. Sometimes it truly seems like I’m not allowed to feel good. How can I not think that? Every time I get a taste of it, it goes away. It seems feeling good just isn’t in the cards for me. I keep telling myself (I’m doing it right now) that I’m okay… I’m good… that these bad feelings have no place in my reality… but they won’t quit… they’re filling me up and I can tell I’m about to drown.

Usually when I go from up to down (or down to up) I can pinpoint the moment the tides turned. But right now, I’m sinking and I don’t know what happened.

Is it ever going to get easier? In my lifetime? In my next life? Ever? Or is everything always going to feel so difficult… so complicated and messy? I feel like it’s all a big game and I’m losing. And I don’t want to play anymore. I’m sick of fighting all the damn time. I’m exhausted. I want to quit all the meds. It feels pointless. I feel pointless. I just want it all to stop. It’s too hard… I’m not strong enough.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I thought I’d ever be able to stop working so fucking hard to be okay… if I thought eventually it would get easier. But I don’t believe that.

[And let’s ignore that I’ve posted this song before. I’m sure no one remembers anyway.]

swirly
When routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And resentment rides high
But emotions won’t grow
And we’re changing our ways, taking different roads

Then love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again


(The poster that hung in my college dorm room…all 4 years…)

song of the day

song of the day
Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… ©2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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11 Responses to song of the day. #31 | way-down edition.

  1. <3. I'm sorry you're down. Can you just be in the moment? Feel down for a while without worrying about how you should feel. And when you feel good, concentrate on that rather than waiting for something bad. I know it's difficult…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh man, I wish I had the answers to your questions. I so want you to find your peace, but I don’t know how. So I’ll do what my wife asked me to do when she was completely paralyzed after her mom died: don’t try to fix it, just be there, listen, give me a hug. I’ll send you as many virtual hugs as you need and will be there to listen. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am familiar with that feeling of having to work so hard to be okay, and it can be exhausting. I try to look at the other positives that come out of that work though. Writing is therapeutic and for me it has led to me being published a few times (a lifelong dream). I don’t know if that would have ever been achieved if I didn’t have to write. Same with so many of those other little item on my wellness plan. There is strength in being able to say that we work hard to keep ourselves well, it is such a big deal to know how and that we need it. Great post, thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Part of my situation is a huge lack of confidence so despite my dreams of being published, it’ll never happen for me. I wish I could find some positives coming out of this but there just aren’t any. That’s why I don’t see the point in fighting anymore. Every day I care a little less about bothering…

      Like

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