Over one million words make up the English language. But often, a single word is all it takes to evoke strong emotions inside us. Laughter, tears, anger, encouragement, inspiration, annoyance…
A word that makes me laugh is probably not going to make everyone laugh. [Although, I suppose it might. Let’s try: bunghole. Did you laugh? There is a liquor store with this very name a few towns over from mine. I’m not making this up. And I cannot keep from speaking ‘bunghole’ aloud and laughing every damn time we drive by.] Still, for the most part, we all have different pet words that affect us in different ways.
My husband has developed a habit of constantly using the word absolutely. For some reason, it irks me like mad. I have reached my breaking point. My head may explode the next time that word passes through his lips. Oh, and when I ask how a new top looks or how my hair looks… and his response is… fine. Jesus. I’m forced to retort in my sweetest most ladylike tone, ‘Why, thank you, honey. Fine is exactly what I was going for.’ Which is obviously a big fat lie.
Beyond all of this, though, there is one word that stands above all others. The most magical word of all. The word that makes you feel things… and allows you to express anything. The word that can be used as every part of speech in the English language. The word that transcends all others.
Not only is fuck the most satisfying word to utter, but it is also the most useful. It works for pleasure and pain, for love and hate, and for so much more. I don’t think any other word known to man can master [nearly] every part of speech the way fuck can.
Sit the fuck back and enjoy your fucking delicious coffee. Let us begin, shall we?
I don’t give a fuck. Who is that fucker? Don’t be such a fucking fuck. [Woo! Bonus adjective!] What the fuck? [non-fuck Archer alternative: What the shit? I know it’s not fuck, but it’s hilarious and he’s fucking awesome.]
*** It is important to note that fuck can also be combined with a number of other nouns to create entirely new words. For example: fuckhead, fuckface, fucknuts… you get the idea…
John [no offense to anyone named John] is a moron. Fuck doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Don’t fuck with me. I fucked him in college. Then he fucked everyone. I totally fucked up. So fuck him for being such a fucker. [Woo! Bonus noun!]
He’s still fucking sleeping. I may fucking snap.
I’m a fucking genius. She made my fucking day. He is eating my whole fucking pint of ice cream… that fucking fuck! [Woo! Bonus noun!] If you play that fucking song again, I’m going to scream.
I’m too fucking tired for your bullshit. I have to get up fucking early tomorrow. Fucking sad.
Fuck! Fucker! Fuck yeah! Fuck no. Fuckity fuck fuck! [Woo! Bonus made-up word!]
My phone is right fucking there. [Replaces ‘over.’ This counts. right?]
She is quite pretty, fuck she’s also dumb. [I know, this one’s kind of pushing it. But I don’t fucking care.]
Finally, don’t forget that fuck is good for your health [literally, yes, fucking is good for your health]. And it also helps with transcendental meditation. Upon waking each morning, before you get out of bed, concentrate on your breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, repeating the mantra: ‘Fuck you…’ Do this 5 times. 10 if you had a fucking rough night.