what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

It was supposed to be an off-campus-dinner-with-Jules night. I felt terrible that I forgot but when I told her what was going on, she was very forgiving. But she did conveniently show up at Preston with Randy about thirty seconds after I met Ethan there.

We had fun at dinner but I was dying to ditch Randy and Jules (in the nicest possible way) and be alone with Ethan. He must have been thinking the same thing because as soon as we said goodnight to Jules and Randy, he turned to me and kissed me. When he pulled away and smiled at me, I kissed him again. I took his hand and we turned toward the library. And the best possible person was right in our path.

Hannah.

I wish I had a picture of the look on her face. But it’s okay… I don’t think I’ll ever forget. Anyway… fuck her. I don’t want to talk about her anymore. Or ever again.

…

At the library, Ethan and I found our favorite couch deserted so we sat down and pulled out our Chem stuff. ‘Where do you want to start?’ He knew exactly where I wanted to start. I took the study cards from his hand and dropped them on top of our books.

I’m not sure how long we were not studying. I just knew that if we didn’t start focusing on chemistry—the book kind—we were going to graduate to inappropriate library behavior. ‘We have to study…’ At least I whispered. That was appropriate library behavior.

I picked up the study cards and moved to the other end of the couch. ‘Why are you way over there?’ I kicked my shoes off, leaned back, and rested my legs on his lap. ‘Because I can’t keep my hands off you.’ He laughed at me and I started asking him chemistry questions.

We were almost at the end of the stack of cards when he started tickling my feet. ‘Cut that out! We’re almost done!’ He was being so cute. But I was determined to get to the end of those study questions. I did my best to look completely serious as I read the next question. But I couldn’t do it… because Ethan obviously snuck in a non-chemistry question. Sort of. ‘Do you want me to kiss you?’

He immediately smiled. ‘Ooh… I know this one!’ I smiled and flipped the card over. ‘Well? What’s the answer?’ And he told me. ‘Yes…’

I read the answer from the card… ‘Yes…’ He was very pleased with himself. ‘I got it right!’ He leaned toward me and I met him half way. I kissed him. And he didn’t want me to stop but I had to. ‘There’s one more question…’ I held the card in my hand and read it. ‘Do you want to sleep over tonight?’

‘I know this one, too… Yes…’ I turned the card over. ‘You’re right…’ I tossed the card aside and grabbed him. More kissing. Lots more kissing. Until I stopped. ‘We should go to my room now.’

Of course, he had to tease me. ‘I thought you wanted to study?’

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

My God, Chemistry was torture. But I’ll get back to that.

When I told Ethan to wait… when I stopped him… I told him why. ‘I don’t want to be that girl…’ He knew exactly what I meant. ‘You’re not… and I don’t want to be that guy…’ But he didn’t stop kissing me… he barely took his lips from my neck when he whispered to me. ‘So we’re on the same page, then?’ I had to see his face. And when I did… God, the look he gave me was so perfect I couldn’t resist him. ‘Same page… yes…’ And then we were kissing again… and touching and pulling at each other’s clothes.

You know when you build something up in your head for so long in such detail… and then reality doesn’t measure up to your imagination? That is not what happened with Ethan.

I was a little nervous. It wasn’t what we were doing… it was who I was doing it with. I have full confidence in my… abilities where this particular skill set is concerned. I don’t have as much experience as Hannah… but who the hell does? (Okay… probably Dylan.) But this was different. It was Ethan. Mr. Hottie.

I think he could tell I was nervous. Maybe he was, too. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t in a hurry. Every move was sweet and slow and beautiful… well, at first. He was very… attentive. Not like most college guys. Even the second time… he didn’t rush anything. It was just… beautiful. I can’t stop thinking about it… about him.

Eventually, we must have worn each other out because I remember kissing him… and then it was morning. When he woke up, he slipped out of bed and got dressed. He thought I was still asleep. And for a split second, I was really scared that he was ditching me. But he didn’t leave. He sat on the bed near me, touched my face, and kissed my forehead. I had to open my eyes. I wanted to see him. He smiled and kissed me again… my lips this time. And he told me he’d see me in class… which was in an hour.

• • •

When I walked into Chem, Ethan was already there… staring at the door as I walked in. I couldn’t stop smiling. As soon as I sat down, he took my hand and held it. But he couldn’t hold it the whole time. And I couldn’t kiss him. It was killing me. I think it was killing him, too, because he started writing me little notes. ‘Dinner?’ I smiled and nodded. ‘Maybe we can study after?’ I nodded again. And I tried to pay attention to Professor Doctor Strange, but it wasn’t easy. Especially when Ethan drew me another little picture… and wrote ‘xoxo‘ beside it.

I had other classes this afternoon… but I remember very little about them. This day has been dragging on forever.

Now it’s time for me to meet Ethan for dinner. And I’m supposed to be able to sit with him and eat.

Without attacking him in the dining hall.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

I still haven’t recovered from last night. God, that kiss. Oh… and there’s more. But I have to go to Chem soon. I have no idea how I’m going to sit beside Ethan and behave for a whole class. I guess I’m going to find out… but first…

Last night… after he kissed me… God, I never thought I’d be writing those words. ‘After he kissed me…’ Anyway… after he kissed me (I wrote that three times… I’ve lost my mind), I was speechless… which is unusual for me. I was afraid I was imagining the whole thing. I couldn’t speak. But he could… and he wanted to know what I was thinking. ‘Please say something.’ When I finally did, I said the first thing that popped into my head. Well, maybe the second. ‘The melting point of…’ He stopped me by letting out a (sexy) little laugh and mumbling my name. ‘Say something else…’

I was having a little trouble catching my breath, but I did say something else. ‘I think you should do that again.’ He really loves to tease me. I know because his next words were, ‘Do what again?’ I didn’t bother answering. I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him. After that I was just… weak. I thought I might collapse… so it was perfect when he slowly backed my up toward my bed. I sat and took his hand. He sat beside me.

Again he asked if I was alright… but this time it had nothing to do with my Hannah rampage. I smiled when I answered him. ‘Yeah… I’m good.’ He smiled, too, and totally played with me. ‘Just good?’ I said no… not just good. But I really didn’t have to answer at all… because I leaned back into my pillows and brought him with me.

He was on top of me… like at the library… only this time the kissing happened. A lot of kissing happened. And I had to tell him… ‘I wanted you to kiss me at the library.’ And he totally came clean… ‘I wanted to… I almost did.’ Damn! I should have kissed him! Of course, then I’d probably be failing Chemistry. Anyway… of course, I also confessed. ‘I almost did, too.’ That made him smile. And kiss me… and kiss my neck… and cautiously sneak his hand under my shirt.

But as much as I wanted to rip his clothes off, I also didn’t want to.

‘Wait…’

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

Oh my God. OhmyGod. Oh. My. God.

I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to relax last night. My heart was pounding the whole time I wrote about my Hannah takedown. I had to close my eyes… take deep breaths. And finally, I felt a little better… calmer. My heartbeat started to slow down.

Then I had a visitor. When I heard the knock… my heart sped up again. So much for calm. I panicked… and pleaded (with no one) for it to be Randy or Jules… or anyone that wasn’t Hannah. God, I was freaking out. I covered my heart with my hand but that didn’t slow it down. I gave up and pulled open the door.

Not Randy. Not Jules. Not Hannah.

Ethan.

Oh God. I was still wound up from the Hannah thing… and Ethan was standing there all tall and gorgeous and close to me. I couldn’t even speak—he had to ask me if he could come in. Even then I didn’t say anything. I just backed up and let him in.

He asked me if I was alright. I nodded even though I felt like my heart was in my throat. Heart-in-throat would probably not be considered ‘alright’. And I don’t think he believed me anyway. But my emotional state had nothing to do with Hannah by then. It was all him.

He started to say something about what he had witnessed outside but I stopped him. ‘I can’t believe you saw that…’ I had to tell him that I’m not like that. ‘I’ve never ripped someone apart like that.’ But I didn’t have to explain myself. He knows me. ‘I know… I could tell.’ He smiled. And it was such a flirty smile. ‘I thought it was kinda hot.’ I almost choked on my heart… which, of course, was still in my throat.

When I didn’t say anything, he took a step closer to me, still smiling. ‘There’s something you should know…’ And I was dying to know… ‘I was looking for you at the party. It’s why I went… I knew you’d be there…’ Oh God… my hands were shaking. ‘But when I finally saw you, there was that guy… and then you disappeared.’ Dylan… he saw me with Dylan. But Ethan already knew that was nothing… thanks to Hannah bringing it up outside. ‘I went to find you… knocked on your door… but you weren’t here.’ No… I wasn’t. I was with my friends next door.

I finally swallowed my heart and somehow managed to tease him. ‘Why were you looking for me? Did you have a chemistry question?’

He had the best answer.

And it wasn’t when he smiled and said, ‘kind of…’

It was when he slowly ran his thumb over my cheek and slipped his fingers under my hair… and kissed me.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

Dear Diary,

I finally did it. I didn’t plan to… and I’m not sure where I got the nerve to do it… but I did it.

I guess I just couldn’t take it any longer. It had to happen.

It was just after dinner. Jules and Randy were about to head to her dorm and I wanted to come back here. I still hadn’t fully recovered from that damn party. I wanted to be alone. And here I am… alone.

But before I got here…

I had barely taken a step away from Randy and Jules when Hannah hurried over to me. She was all bubbly and happy and shit. And she was completely oblivious to how much I hated her.

She started talking to me like I was her best friend. Honestly, I don’t know what she was saying because all I could think about was punching her in the face. Especially when she mentioned Ethan. That’s when I lost it. I wish I had a recording of the rest of our conversation. Because I know I’m not going to remember every word… but it went something like this…

‘Hannah… stop talking.’ But she kept talking. ‘Hannah… shut the hell up.’ Then she asked what was wrong but didn’t give me a chance to answer… she just kept talking. I got louder. ‘God… shut the fuck up!’ She has never heard me get so angry before. Like, ever. She looked at me like I was crazy, but she did finally stop talking. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that I had a bit of an audience. Randy and Jules had stopped. A couple of groups of students coming and going from Preston stopped for the show, too. I even saw Ethan. I froze for a second when I did. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to witness my little rampage. But it was too late to turn back.

‘Do you have any idea how horrible you are to me? To Jules? To anyone who doesn’t have a dick?’ Hannah stood there in shock looking genuinely confused, but I didn’t let her speak. ‘Don’t look at me like that. There’s no fucking way you don’t know what you’re doing… what you always do.’ I had to catch my breath… which gave Hannah the chance to ask what the hell I was talking about. ‘Seriously? I’ll clear it up for you. Because you REALLY need to understand. You are NOT doing me a favor by being my friend. I don’t think you even know HOW to be a friend. I should have seen that a long time ago. That’s on me. But I’m done.’ I was so anxious. My hands were shaking… heart pounding. But I had to say one more thing.

‘And for fuck’s sake, Hannah, you do NOT have dibs on every single guy you see.’ She looked horrified… and even though I was a flustered, shaky mess, I loved it. God, my heart is still pounding. I have never had a confrontation like that.

She did have a comeback for that last one, though. ‘What about Dylan?? I saw you at the party…’ I’m glad she saw it. I hope she was fucking jealous. But I was not going to be painted as the slut she is. ‘That was nothing and you know it. He flirts with everyone. Well… except you.’ Oh, she totally set me up for that. And she deserved it.

She called me a bitch. ‘Maybe I am a bitch. But I don’t care what you think. You desperately needed to hear this.’

Then I turned and walked away.

I heard clapping. Clapping! Not a lot… but some. And even a few ‘woo hoo’s. I bet that was Randy… and Jules.

But I didn’t look. I just kept walking. With a huge smile on my face.

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks