dear diary | u – understand #atozchallenge

Dear Diary,

I finally did it. I didn’t plan to… and I’m not sure where I got the nerve to do it… but I did it.

I guess I just couldn’t take it any longer. It had to happen.

It was just after dinner. Jules and Randy were about to head to her dorm and I wanted to come back here. I still hadn’t fully recovered from that damn party. I wanted to be alone. And here I am… alone.

But before I got here…

I had barely taken a step away from Randy and Jules when Hannah hurried over to me. She was all bubbly and happy and shit. And she was completely oblivious to how much I hated her.

She started talking to me like I was her best friend. Honestly, I don’t know what she was saying because all I could think about was punching her in the face. Especially when she mentioned Ethan. That’s when I lost it. I wish I had a recording of the rest of our conversation. Because I know I’m not going to remember every word… but it went something like this…

Hannah… stop talking.’ But she kept talking. ‘Hannah… shut the hell up.’ Then she asked what was wrong but didn’t give me a chance to answer… she just kept talking. I got louder. ‘God… shut the fuck up!’ She has never heard me get so angry before. Like, ever. She looked at me like I was crazy, but she did finally stop talking. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that I had a bit of an audience. Randy and Jules had stopped. A couple of groups of students coming and going from Preston stopped for the show, too. I even saw Ethan. I froze for a second when I did. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to witness my little rampage. But it was too late to turn back.

Do you have any idea how horrible you are to me? To Jules? To anyone who doesn’t have a dick?’ Hannah stood there in shock looking genuinely confused, but I didn’t let her speak. ‘Don’t look at me like that. There’s no fucking way you don’t know what you’re doing… what you always do.’ I had to catch my breath… which gave Hannah the chance to ask what the hell I was talking about. ‘Seriously? I’ll clear it up for you. Because you REALLY need to understand. You are NOT doing me a favor by being my friend. I don’t think you even know HOW to be a friend. I should have seen that a long time ago. That’s on me. But I’m done.’ I was so anxious. My hands were shaking… heart pounding. But I had to say one more thing.

And for fuck’s sake, Hannah, you do NOT have dibs on every single guy you see.’ She looked horrified… and even though I was a flustered, shaky mess, I loved it. God, my heart is still pounding. I have never had a confrontation like that.

She did have a comeback for that last one, though. ‘What about Dylan?? I saw you at the party…’ I’m glad she saw it. I hope she was fucking jealous. But I was not going to be painted as the slut she is. ‘That was nothing and you know it. He flirts with everyone. Well… except you.’ Oh, she totally set me up for that. And she deserved it.

She called me a bitch. ‘Maybe I am a bitch. But I don’t care what you think. You desperately needed to hear this.

Then I turned and walked away.

I heard clapping. Clapping! Not a lot… but some. And even a few ‘woo hoo’s. I bet that was Randy… and Jules.

But I didn’t look. I just kept walking. With a huge smile on my face.

what sandra thinks

• • •
‘Dear Diary’ is fiction based on actual events.
Any similarities to your college life is purely coincidental.
Any similarities to mine is entirely intentional.

©2018 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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39 Responses to dear diary | u – understand #atozchallenge

  1. Kinda cathartic to finally say what’s needed to be said. It’s freeing. 👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Meg says:

    Amen to that! Totally deserved the take down! Now what happens? Is “V” for victory? 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Atta girl. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hunida says:

    Yay!!! Go S!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Marquessa says:

    Yyyaaaassss! 👍👍👍

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That’s the way gal!!
    Great post and about figuring out X, Y, Z.. i know you will come up with something.. i’m struggling to at W… I have been winging it since O and i feel bad.. all previous posts were thoroughly planned and edited like twice and now I’m playing catch up.. so i get how you feel.. don’t worry.. things will be okay 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Love it. You’re bad ass and correct. She definitely deserved it and more!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: dear diary | a-to-z links #atozchallenge | what sandra thinks

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