inadequate.

This is long… and littered with obscenities. And pointless. And embarrassing to post. Want me to be real? This is real. You’ve been warned.

Yesterday when I went to pick my daughter from her friend’s house, I was talking to her friend’s mom. I’ve talked to her before because my kid has been there lots of times. I’d love to say she’s a potential ‘friend‘ but really, we barely talk about anything other than the kids. Anyway… the point to all of this seemingly insignificant information is this: I feel so fucking inadequate as a mother… as a wife… as a human being.

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people but it’s impossible not to. She seems to be happily married (I know, I can’t be sure), she has friends (several were there), she lives in the right place with great neighbors who have kids her daughter’s age, she has relatives nearby, she has a good job but is still able to be there for her daughter before school and after (I do not know details and there’s never been an appropriate time to ask… I don’t see how knowing would help anyway… people who have a schedule like this usually work it out after they’ve been at a job for quite some time… I have to start from nothing), her house is bigger and nicer than ours (not huge or fancy or even spotless, but just right), and she’s financially comfortable.

I feel like such a fucking loser. A failure. A useless human being.

I’m not miserably married but I wouldn’t say happily either. I have no friends (offline). I live in a nice neighborhood but none of my kids’ friends happen to live around here and the only relatives near me are my in-laws. I can’t find a job at all… let alone one that allows me to be here for my kids. I hate my too-small house and can’t move because I’m not ‘financially comfortable’.

I’m sure her life isn’t perfect… but I know that she has at least seven things I’m desperate for. Seven. I like this woman. She’s really nice and outgoing which helps because I’m not. But every time I see her, I leave feeling so inadequate. And sometimes I think my daughter would rather be there than at home… because we don’t have everything they have. And I can’t give it to her.

It’s not just things I can’t give my kids. It’s circumstances. I have been trying so hard to change mine for so long but nothing fucking works. What’s the point of continuing to try? What’s the fucking point of anything?

I love my kids and I give them the essentials and a (very) little bit more. But it’s not enough to make them (or me) happy. My daughter cries at night sometimes and tells me that it’s really hard not having what her friends have. I know my son feels the same way although he rarely cries about it. They feel left out… and I’m afraid they’re going to start feeling as bad as I do about it.

And there’s nothing I can do. I try so hard… but nothing. Not a fucking thing I do makes one tiny difference at all. And I am SO FUCKING SICK of hearing shit that goes perfectly for people for no reason. They just sit there and shit works out for them. They don’t have to do a damn thing. Why is my whole life the opposite? If I do nothing, everything goes wrong. If I try as hard as possible, everything goes wrong. If I think negatively, everything goes wrong. And YES even if I think positively, everything goes wrong.

Fuck it. Fuck everything. There is no point. I hate my life.

 

x
sandra

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, family, life, parenting, personal, rant, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

58 Responses to inadequate.

  1. Captain Q says:

    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. It tears me up to read this. And I don’t know what to say that won’t sound shitty. So I’ll spare you. Just know I’m thinking of you and I continue to ask the universe to give y’all a break. You know where to find me if you need an ear.

    Oh, by the way, I guess I lied. I will say one thing: your kids are gonna be just fine. Not everybody grows up with comforts and “things”. I know. I didn’t. But I know my mom loved me and did the best she could. That’s more important than stuff in the long run. Ok. I’m done….for now. 😏

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. I appreciate you and everything you’ve said. Even the stuff I want to smack you for (but none of that is here) because I know your heart is in the right place. I’ve just had it. Obviously nothing is going to change. Everything’s going to go wrong forever no matter what I do. Why torture myself trying? I’m done.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Please don’t say that kinda shit. Unless it actually is cathartic to say out loud. Just, do not give up!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know what it does for me to say that. Don’t know if it’s good or bad. I am just so tired of nothing going right. You know, I have another injection Friday… in a different place. I’m anxious about that, too. But so tired.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Do you pray? And it’s a serious question. But, one I’ve never asked you.

            Liked by 1 person

            • No I don’t. I don’t believe in God or anyone or anything else out there to pray to. If there is someone or something, clearly I’ve wronged him or her or it and I’m being punished.

              Please don’t tell me if I believed in God everything would be okay… that’s just never going to happen and if it’s my only solution, I’m screwed.

              Sometimes I ask my dad and/or my grandmother to help me out from beyond the grave but so far that hasn’t worked out.

              Liked by 1 person

              • No. I’m agnostic. I believe in something….just not sure how to quantify it. And I would never ask you to believe anything. Though, I’ve been told if you pray, to pray for peace. To let go and trust that things will work out. It’s helped me in the past. I don’t have any answers why. But it did.

                Liked by 1 person

                • What I often (always) hear is that it only works if you believe it works. I guess that’s why my life is so awful… my own fault for not believing. Believing positive things is exactly what therapy was supposed to teach me to do. That was a huge failure (and waste of money I never had). I don’t think I can be fixed… taught to stop believing the bad and instead believe the good. Can’t get myself there… even professionals can’t get me there… even when I do exactly as they ask. It just doesn’t work for me. I think I’m more fucked up than other fucked up people. I can’t get better.

                  Liked by 1 person

  3. Suze says:

    oh honey, I just want to hug you and say everything will be okay…but I can’t. Not only because I have no clue where you are, but because sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes life totally sucks, and no matter what you do it still sucks. I know. I had a sucky life for a long damned time. It’s better now. It rarely sucks, but it was a long haul getting here and I had to completely change my own attitudes to see it. One thing I know absolutely..your kids will be fine so long as they know you love them. Yea, I did go there. Because I have been there, and my kids are fine. Stuff is so fleeting. It only takes one hurricane, or tornado, or house fire, or job loss to know that. Stuff, no matter how much we want it, is just….stuff. It isn’t what they will remember as adults.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is what scares me so much. Things might never get better. This is not a life I can sustain. I have no idea how people get through it. I have failed over and over again at changing anything… literally and in my own head. My brain just doesn’t work any other way… and I guess my life doesn’t either.

      Like

  4. Meg says:

    Oh sweetie… I don’t even know what to say. Beach is right about the kids. It might seem like ‘stuff’ is important now, but they will love you for doing the best you could and for loving them most of all. Sending all my love ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just Gxxx says:

    I want so much to be able to give you advice but I know from experience that would be pointless…..So I will send you cyber hugs and hope you dont stay in this frame of mind too long.
    I would like to say this. Youu are a great person, you got to bring children into the world, not everyone can. You also encourage me to keep going and I really appreciate that so thank you. Honestly, who gives a fuck about the shit others have, ok your kids do now but they wont as they get older.
    Stay strong and be kind to yourself. G xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s okay… I know there really isn’t any advice for me… at least nothing I haven’t already tried and failed.
      I don’t see myself as a great person (obviously). And I feel like I shouldn’t have become a mother because I can’t do a good enough job.
      And I’m really glad that I encourage you to keep going but I don’t know how I’m doing that…
      Thank you… ♥

      Like

  6. Cyranny says:

    I will not “like” this, for obvious reasons… And I don’t have anything to say that would actually help. I am sorry about that. God knows I’d like to help.

    Hang on, Gorgeous. *warm hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • ♥ I know you want to help and I totally love you for that and I feel like I’ve failed you by feeling this way. I want to have something good to tell people… and I want someone to be proud of me.

      Like

  7. Lana Cole says:

    Hang in there… just remember whatever your feeling, and whatever is going on in your life, everything is temporary. This always has helped me. ❤️hugs to you..

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think giving your kids what you can is enough – so many people live beyond their means and then end up resenting their partners/children. I didn’t have what other kids had when I was growing up – games, latest shoes and clothes, cable TV etc. I’m sure I felt the way your kids did. However, now I am grateful for everything – I always had the essentials and sometimes that’s all you need. Anything else is just materialistic and unnecessary.

    In terms of jobs – you mentioned that you’re good at visuals and editing etc – have you tried looking into freelance graphic design stuff that you can do from home? Although, I think you would benefit from something that doesn’t give you time to ‘think’.

    Sometimes it’s too easy to get caught up in your own head when you’re on your own.

    For what it’s worth, I hate my life too. Apart from the purple parts. Lol. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s yet another sad thing… we ARE living beyond our means and we still can’t afford shit.

      Believe me… I have looked into every possible job I could do from home… freelance writing, graphic design, etc. I have spent hours… days… weeks… (you get the idea) looking into every possible thing. I have gotten nowhere. I am not a graphic designer. I enjoy doing it but I’m an amateur… self-taught… and just not that good. Even freelance job sites want to see your ‘portfolio’… and your past professional work. I don’t have anything. I fool myself into thinking I’m good at it because I’ve done a few things I really like. But I will never get a job doing anything like that because there are a billion people who actually have experience, an education, and a portfolio and they are far better than I am.

      Also… when I have found sites where I could try to get freelance jobs (that I;m totally unqualified for), they are little jobs here and there and they don’t pay much. I’d be lucky to make $100 a month. And I am not lucky.

      I do think it would be good for me to have a job outside my home. I spend too much time alone and it makes me hate myself and my life more and more by the minute. But the work at home thing would solve the kid stuff. I’m in an impossible situation. But I don’t know how to live like this anymore. I can only get out of bed in the morning because I have to drive the kids to school. Sometimes after that, I go back to bed. Pathetic.

      I’m sorry that you hate your life, too. It sucks. I wish things would drastically improve for both of us… ♥

      Like

      • Suze says:

        sweetheart…it sounds like a part time outside the home job would be your best bet at this point. Sometimes you either have to fish or cut bait..and you’ve cut all the bait you can already. Get outside of your house and your head for a while.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I do need a part time job outside my home. I can’t find one. I need some kind of office job. I can’t be on my feet because of my back pain. So yeah… I know what I need… I just can’t find it.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Suze says:

            is there perhaps a temp services office nearby? Then you could pick and choose what job you’d wish to take. some of them are quite nice. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that something comes up for you soon. until then know we are all of us hoping it gets better for you soon. ❤

            Liked by 1 person

            • Believe me… I’ve thought of everything. I’ve been stuck out of work for quite a while now… 🙁

              I have been in contact with a number of employment agencies. There’s really no picking and choosing… because there are barely any part-time jobs (almost none)… and that’s really what I need. If I could work full time, it would be a lot easier to get something…even if it was something I hated…

              Liked by 1 person

  9. Jeremy Vogan says:

    Sandra,

    Thanks for having the courage to say what most people only ever feel.

    I went to Honduras a few years ago on a mission trip, and visited a place called the Invasion. No running water or sewer, just cardboard and corrugated metal and lethal-looking pets and wistful children. The adults are never around during the day because they are out working on the local farms trying to make a few bucks to buy food that day. It was sickening and it hurt all the way inside me to see.

    What I realized there was that everyone struggles with poverty. Here in America we are rich compared to 99% of people who have ever lived, yet we have a dearth of community that guts us of the simple neighborly fellowship that helps you through hard times. Even in Honduras, one of the poorest and most dangerous countries in the world, they all come out to the city square in the evenings and share what’s going on emotionally (the good and the bad) with each other. In our world of Facebook and Twitter we know nothing of such community.

    I am a Christian, but I have no trite quotes to offer you in your pain. I am not a person of faith because it solves my problems, but because my faith gives me hope to tell the truth about them, and because I believe that Jesus felt them as deeply as I do. All of us here clicked “like” on your post because something in what you wrote resonated with us; because you described well what all of us – ALL of us – feel inside. Know that you are not alone.

    JV

    Sorry for the book, this is your blog not mine 🙄😄 thanks again

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do understand that plenty of people in the world are in far more dire circumstances than I am. I get it. But like you said… it’s different here. Even knowing what you shared, I still feel inadequate. I still feel like I don’t measure up. I’m missing things for financial reasons… but also because of the lack of community you mention.

      I have a very hard time meeting and talking to people… so I’m not great at being a part of anything. It’s lonely… and difficult to find anyone to get me through hard times… other than here online. But sometimes, you really need someone who can sit with you and drink coffee and give hugs. I don’t have that.

      I really have no faith at all. Not in any higher power or in myself. It’s hard to live this way but it seems to be even harder to develop any faith…

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jeremy Vogan says:

        I get that. I used to have a friend I could drink coffee with and talk about anything we needed to. Lost her and will never have our friendship back, and will probably never get over that loss 😔 but life goes on, and you see beauty in people you never knew you would

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m sorry about your friend. 😦 I don’t have anyone in my life like that but I can imagine how impossible that would be to get over. I just don’t have hope of having anyone in my life who would ever be there for me like that.

          Like

          • Jeremy Vogan says:

            Thanks. Someday you will. My walk with Jesus now is more than I could ever have hoped for; to me, it is worth living and dying for. That’s not just words

            Liked by 1 person

          • Jeremy Vogan says:

            For me it goes back to what you said in your lost. How is it that I can feel like such a fucking loser, a failure, a useless human being, and still love my kids as deeply as I know I do? How can life be so beautiful and at the same time so messed up? Why does my brokenness hurt so much and yet I can find such satisfaction in expressing it? Why do some people have money and opportunity and ease and comfort, and others don’t? My faith doesn’t give me satisfactory answers (it never has), but instead it shows me why the questions I have matter so much. Why I cannot accept the messedupness. It is because this world was never designed that way. Same reason I will never be able to accept death; God couldn’t accept it either

            Liked by 1 person

            • It’s interesting that you put it that way — about not accepting how messed up life is — because I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like the only thing left for me to do is accept that this is my life, no matter how miserable I am. It’s clear to me that nothing’s ever going to change so there’s no point waiting for a miracle. It’s not coming. I kind of feel like the world was designed to be awful for me. Maybe I did something to deserve this life. I don’t know.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Jeremy Vogan says:

                I don’t think any person should ever accept misery. You cannot look at a child, so full of life and curiosity and hope and freedom and joy, and think that it is OK for all the shitty things you and I have seen happen in life to happen to them too. No decent person would ever allow that, if we could help it. And we try to shield our kids from the pain, but we don’t have enough arms for that. And since we really do love our kids we end up just teaching them how to handle the pain like we did. And we know it’s not enough – but we do it anyway. We teach them how to be what we are, adults who can handle what life throws at us (most of the time anyway 😄🥃).
                I believe God does the same thing. Because He knows evil has destroyed the beauty and innocence we were supposed to live into, and He loves us too much to let us walk into the darkness alone. So He teaches us how to be who He is. Crazy idea, but that really is Christianity. Humans being humans worked out pretty badly for us and our planet, so He decided to make us sons and daughters of God.
                “Deserve” is a funny word. You didn’t deserve never to have a soul friend, someone who totally got you and you could see every thought they had, a deep heart friendship. I didn’t deserve to lose mine. But if we got everything we did deserve, we’d never make it out of bed tomorrow and I think we all know it. Plenty of stupid/hurtful/selfish/ignorant things I’ve done in 40 years that I’m glad nobody ever settled up with me for. Grace is an awesome thing.
                What would a miracle look like for you? Curious
                JV

                Liked by 1 person

                • The thing is… I don’t believe in god. I am not religious… I don’t believe any of it. If god exists, he hates me and makes my life hell. I can’t believe in that. It hurts too much to think I’m so hated. Plus, the whole story doesn’t work for me. I just don’t believe any of it.

                  I never want to get out of bed in the morning. It’s just more pain. Constantly. I never get a break. Everything goes wrong.

                  A miracle? I’m not sure… but it would definitely involve having something go my way for once. And I don’t mean some stupid little thing. I mean something that truly makes a difference in my life. Maybe it’s wrong and will make you (or anyone) think less of me, but I know that a LOT of the stress and negativity in my life stems from financial issues. A miracle would be a few million dollars. I’m sure that sounds incredibly shallow but I don’t even think I could list all the problems that would fix. And of course, a miracle would take some of my pain away so I don’t constantly want to lock myself in a closet and never come out.

                  Liked by 1 person

  10. jrvincente says:

    *hug* I know exactly what you mean. 😦 I hope things turn around for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Marquessa says:

    Its so hard to not compare yourself to others. Its something we all do, some more often thsn others. At least you are open and authentic even to put a voice to your frustrations. Some of us bottle it up, pretend its all good and eventually melt dowm

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: friends. | what sandra thinks

  13. Really wish I had the right words. That’s the thing….you would probably just look at them and say they’re pointless and just words. All I can do is tell you you’re adequate no matter what you think. You’re an incredible Mom that has so much love for her kids. Hugs and know I care 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s just that nothing can change what I can’t do for my kids, myself, my life… except maybe a billion dollars. I know it’s not supposed to be about money… but it just is. That’s the world we live in. It’s impossible to get a 10 year old to see that love is enough. So that kid is left unhappy. I can’t fix that. It’s a huge failure… no matter how much I love my kids. Love is supposed to be enough… but it just isn’t.
      But thank you for caring… and for the hugs. ♥

      Like

  14. c2justice says:

    Hi Sandra. Chin up. I bet if you spoke with your daughter, asked her questions about her friend and her family, and you listen closely, you will pick up tiny details of what it’s like at their house. Ask your daughter how her friend gets along with her mother. You will find something in there that will tell you it’s not perfect over there either. Listen to your daughter for the clues, they are there.
    Also there are thousands of God in the world, literally thousands, and I have no doubt that every God gets prayed to for Peace. I don’t see any of the thousands of God answering those prayers. Not one. If even one was answering prayers, I would choose that one. This world is a mess.
    I believe in karma, I believe in love, I believe that gut feelings are your soul speaking to you. God, I believe, is for people who can’t deal with reality. I call out God many times when I don’t want to or I can’t deal with certain things just to occupy my mind, but I could think of Luke Bryan and feel the same.
    I woke up this morning crying right out of the chute. For my daughter who has shut me out of her life for 2 years now. In that 2 years she got pregnant, had a baby boy, he turned 1 in February. I have not seen him. God will not bring her back. If I want her back I have to go get her, I have to go fight for her. I was wrong.
    I read your post. I could have wrote the same thing this morning but I didn’t have to, you did it for me. Thank you.
    But something will happen that will make you see her side and it won’t be any better than yours, just different issues, that’s all. It may even be worse.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for this comment… for sharing with me. I know even though some people might seem like they have these perfect lives, they really don’t. Sometimes, it’s just hard to watch from the outside because of how it looks.

      I’m so sorry about your situation with your daughter. *hug* I hope things change for you!

      Like

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