This is long… and littered with obscenities. And pointless. And embarrassing to post. Want me to be real? This is real. You’ve been warned.
Yesterday when I went to pick my daughter from her friend’s house, I was talking to her friend’s mom. I’ve talked to her before because my kid has been there lots of times. I’d love to say she’s a potential ‘friend‘ but really, we barely talk about anything other than the kids. Anyway… the point to all of this seemingly insignificant information is this: I feel so fucking inadequate as a mother… as a wife… as a human being.
I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people but it’s impossible not to. She seems to be happily married (I know, I can’t be sure), she has friends (several were there), she lives in the right place with great neighbors who have kids her daughter’s age, she has relatives nearby, she has a good job but is still able to be there for her daughter before school and after (I do not know details and there’s never been an appropriate time to ask… I don’t see how knowing would help anyway… people who have a schedule like this usually work it out after they’ve been at a job for quite some time… I have to start from nothing), her house is bigger and nicer than ours (not huge or fancy or even spotless, but just right), and she’s financially comfortable.
I feel like such a fucking loser. A failure. A useless human being.
I’m not miserably married but I wouldn’t say happily either. I have no friends (offline). I live in a nice neighborhood but none of my kids’ friends happen to live around here and the only relatives near me are my in-laws. I can’t find a job at all… let alone one that allows me to be here for my kids. I hate my too-small house and can’t move because I’m not ‘financially comfortable’.
I’m sure her life isn’t perfect… but I know that she has at least seven things I’m desperate for. Seven. I like this woman. She’s really nice and outgoing which helps because I’m not. But every time I see her, I leave feeling so inadequate. And sometimes I think my daughter would rather be there than at home… because we don’t have everything they have. And I can’t give it to her.
It’s not just things I can’t give my kids. It’s circumstances. I have been trying so hard to change mine for so long but nothing fucking works. What’s the point of continuing to try? What’s the fucking point of anything?
I love my kids and I give them the essentials and a (very) little bit more. But it’s not enough to make them (or me) happy. My daughter cries at night sometimes and tells me that it’s really hard not having what her friends have. I know my son feels the same way although he rarely cries about it. They feel left out… and I’m afraid they’re going to start feeling as bad as I do about it.
And there’s nothing I can do. I try so hard… but nothing. Not a fucking thing I do makes one tiny difference at all. And I am SO FUCKING SICK of hearing shit that goes perfectly for people for no reason. They just sit there and shit works out for them. They don’t have to do a damn thing. Why is my whole life the opposite? If I do nothing, everything goes wrong. If I try as hard as possible, everything goes wrong. If I think negatively, everything goes wrong. And YES even if I think positively, everything goes wrong.
Fuck it. Fuck everything. There is no point. I hate my life.