I don’t know how to make friends.
I’ve never been good at it… even when I was younger… even when I was a kid. My friends were always people with whom I just happened to get thrown together… or people who approached me because I don’t know how to approach people.
It’s even harder, as an adult, to make friends. Especially when you’re me. Boring, unemployed, negative, sad… I could go on, but I won’t. You already know. People don’t want to hang out with someone like me.
I see people who have friends… and I envy them. They might just be talking or having coffee or shopping. They might be people who’ve known each other for years. They might just be two moms who got to know each other because their kids are friends.
I feel like I should be able to do that… to have that… but I don’t know how to talk to people. I can’t think of what to say… so I eventually say something stupid… or I stand there in silence. And I feel like an idiot. I am terrible in social situations. I avoided social events at my last job as much as humanly possible. Even if a person I’m talking to is good at it… good at making conversation (like the mom I refer to in this post)… I still fail. I might be good for a couple of minutes, but then it dies because I can’t keep it going.
What am I supposed to do? I have nothing interesting to talk about. (See my fabulous qualities above… boring, sad, etc.) I have nothing worthwhile to contribute. But even if I could talk more, it wouldn’t become anything that would translate into a ‘real friendship‘. I can’t just jump in and ask someone to get coffee. The conversation just doesn’t go there. It would be incredibly awkward… and kind of creepy. And when, exactly, would coffee happen anyway since these people have lives, jobs, etc.? They’re not like me. My life is all wrapped up in my own mistakes and failed attempts at correcting them. And I feel a constant need to apologize for it.
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Even here online.
I read conversations people have in the comments… and I realize that I am utterly unskilled at talking to people. I suck at friendship.
It’s not that I don’t have friends here… because I do… and they are some of the best people I’ve ever [not] met. But I am constantly worried about losing them because I’m just not good at it. I worry that I come across as uncaring or selfish or unfriendly… but that’s not me. I just don’t know how to talk to people.
It’s the same as what I described above—I say something stupid or I am silent. That’s what happens when I want to comment on a post, too. I want to say something but I can’t think of what to say… so I say something stupid or I say nothing at all. So I look like an idiot… or a bitch… or both.
And also… while I feel extremely close to some of you, it is not, of course, the same as having a friend right here.
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I had a conversation with someone today… but she is a professional so she has to talk to me… and I have to talk to her. It’s not a friendship thing. But I bring it up because it was about friendship. I told her about my college-diary story. When she asked me what it was like then for me, I told her college was fun… I had friends, neighbors, boys… but I could also be alone if I wanted to be. And it became more obvious than ever that what’s missing from my life is a friend. Not that I didn’t already know that… but hearing her say it… having this conversation… made me feel vindicated… validated… for thinking (knowing) that this is actually affecting my well-being.
I have no idea why I’m writing this. Unless someone here who puts up with me (thank you) is going to relocate (unlikely), none of this is going to change. I’m not going to have someone to text or call whenever I need to (daily). Someone to meet for coffee a few times a week… or even once. Someone to cry to when I’m a mess… or laugh with when I’m also a mess (because I’m always a mess). Someone to tell me everything will be okay… even if it’s a lie (daily)… or to tell me I’m not a lost cause… even if it’s a lie (daily). Or someone to give me a hug when I need one (daily).
Because I don’t know how to make friends.
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