what sandra thinks

I have a few blogging quirks. I don’t know if they’re weird… some probably are. But I never claimed to be normal. In fact, I claim the opposite. 

My post titles are all lowercase.
Maybe I have an inferiority complex. Okay, yes, I do. But I wasn’t thinking about that when I started this blog. It was a stylistic decision. But I can’t help wondering if it subconsciously means something more. Or maybe I’m just weird.

Many posts a day.
I don’t usually post multiple times a day. Most of the time, I don’t have it in me to do that. But when I do have more to post, I’m hesitant to do multiple posts in the same day anyway. My thinking (which is probably messed up…) is that if I post something new, no one who hasn’t read the previous post will go back and read it. They’ll just skip to the newest one. Is that ridiculous? Maybe it is… because I read all the posts from people I follow who post multiple times a day. It can get overwhelming, but I do my best. Why do I assume my readers won’t do the same? Must be my extreme lack of confidence.

Save it.
I have saved (and still save) a copy of every post I’ve ever published… from the beginning. They are in Word documents. One for poetry, one for each fiction series, one for weekly perks (remember those?), one for song of the day, etc. I think it’s a side effect of me being a packrat. I can’t bear to throw certain things away. I also download the backup/transfer data file directly from WP every now and then, too. Like, at least once a month. Just in case something goes horribly wrong. I think I might be insanely paranoid.

This one is more of a question…

What do the x’s mean?
To me, and I imagine most others, x’s and o’s are kisses and hugs, respectively. I have been curious, though, for some time, if that is the intended meaning when bloggers end comments with x or xx. Are they kisses? I want to know. And for the record, I’ll take all the kisses I can get. Keep ’em coming. I’ll take the hugs, too, but people tend to write that word out. I guess o or oo at the end of a comment just looks weird. oo

©2018 what sandra thinks

I’m bored with my blog. Are you bored with my blog? I am.

I had recently been tossing around the idea of upgrading my site (you know, a cheap paid plan), but I’m not sure it makes sense since I feel like I’m dying a slow death here. In fact, I’ve also momentarily considered shutting down and leaving entirely. Those momentary considerations don’t last long… but they have surfaced often lately.

Is this ‘losing interest in things I once loved‘? Maybe it is. That’s a bad sign.

I’m tired of posting about my emotional instability. And you may not admit it, but you are (probably) sick of reading about it. It’s not even helping me to write about it anymore. I’m not sure how much it ever helped… and it often makes me feel worse.

I appreciate the support, the love, and the kindness my friends have given me. I’m not sure I’d make it without that. Is it bad that I need it? Knowing people see good things in me (even if I often don’t see them) tells me that I can’t be as terrible as I think I am… even when I’m at my lowest.

And while I do also appreciate people’s desire to help, it’s hard because I don’t think most people understand that suggestions to do things I know I’m not capable of make me feel so much worse. Then, not only am I sad for my own existing reasons, but I’m also doubly sad because I can’t do what people suggest… I can’t help myself… and it feels like I will be in hell forever… and I’m a failure. And my feelings of hopelessness multiply.

I was recently directed by a friend to an instagram post that addressed this really well. [Every word of this doesn’t apply for me (for example, it’s NOT true for me that no one asks if I’m okay or need help… some people do)… but most of this fits. I think you’ll get the idea. And I hope no one is offended. It is not directed toward anyone in particular. I just want people to understand. Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that I matter… that I’m not a total loss… that someone believes in me… even when I don’t.]

“I may be in a mood or experiencing an unfavorable moment in time and post exactly how I feel about what’s occurring in my life. People will then jump into my comments to tell me what not to say or what not to do. 

They don’t even ask if I’m ok or need help. They just immediately start telling me how they think I should be feeling. 

Nothing is worse than when you’re already feeling down and someone comes along and pushes you down even further.

There are times when it may take you hours, days, or weeks to start feeling like yourself but it’s a process, a personal process, to find what works best for you during those dark days.

You can’t be positive when you feel negative. 

Telling someone to smile or think positive, doesn’t help. Telling someone to think about all the good in their life or to be grateful for what they have, doesn’t work. Being completely self-centered and not even having the decency to respect someone enough to show that you care, also doesn’t help. 

That’s why people fake it. That’s why people say they are fine when they’re not. That’s why people cry and suffer in private. Because we all know if we are honest and share that we are struggling, we will be met with unsolicited advice and/or irrelevant opinions that are rude, condescending, and uneducated. 

For the love of God, if you can’t offer kind words then be respectful with your silence and allow people to work their process in peace!”

Sorry… that was sort of a tangent. Back to the blogging issue…

The problem is… if I don’t write about that which has overtaken my life (the emotional junk), I have nothing to write. My life is empty but for everything wrong with it. That’s all I am. There should be something more to me. I want there to be something more. But I can’t find it.

I’ve tried prompts… I’ve been all over WP and Pinterest and anywhere else I can think of to find ideas. Nothing is working. I am uninspired. What is wrong with me? I used to crank out one or two or three poems a day. And they were even good! Now I’m lucky if I can write one a week and have it not suck. Fiction is dead to me. It was revived for April a-to-z (probably because that wasn’t truly fiction)… but it’s dead again. And we’ve already discussed my reality (at length…ugh).

Nothing fun happens in my life anymore. Nothing exciting or humorous. Just… nothing. It’s depressing. It’s embarrassing. I already have a huge problem with boredom and the associated feelings of uselessness and hopelessness. This blog is one of the only things I have to fight those things. If I can’t do this anymore, it’ll make things worse… not better. I need this. (Is that pathetic? You don’t have to answer… I know it is.)

But… what’s the point of my blog? Of anything I write? There isn’t one. I’m never going to have the courage to try to publish or get published. I’m not making any money from the blog. I’m not winning any prestigious writing awards (haha). And lately, I have little to say. I’m even having trouble commenting… having conversations with people.

I am so fucking boring.

On this matter (unlike my psychological shortcomings), suggestions might help. Other than prompts, how can I make my blog better? Because right now, it sucks monkey balls.

[Image: Disney’s Paperman… a short film everyone should watch.]

©2018 what sandra thinks