dispassionate. #wordoftheday

This picture really has nothing to do with this post. I just like it.


I am not generally a fan of the word meh. It speaks to my distaste for trendy, popular things. But I suppose coffee is trendy and popular. I’m a huge fan of that. Maybe it’s mostly trendy, overused words I don’t like.

However, meh fits right now.

I have no excitement in my life. No passion. No goals.

I used to think I loved writing, art, design… even math! But nothing excites me anymore. I think I’m broken. I don’t love anything. Because of that, I have no drive, no motivation, no hope… because I have no goal… no endgame. I agree that maybe the path is more important than the end result… but without some idea where I’m going, I can’t get on a path. I don’t even know where to take my first step.

I’ve been seeking a solution… a destination. To that end, someone recently asked me, ‘What excites you? What’s your passion?‘ I couldn’t answer. I don’t know. I have never known (link to one of my earliest posts… I loved my own writing back then).

Graduated at the top of my class in high school. Didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Went to college. Studied whatever subjects I felt like studying. Did a lot of printmaking/art-type stuff. Graduated college. Didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Took random jobs while I tried to figure it out, but guess what? I never did.

It’s kind of hard to find what I’m looking for if I don’t know what I’m looking for. Sigh.

I can’t say why (because I don’t know), but the other day, I was writing down words that describe me lately. Here’s the list:

dispassionate
disinterested
uninspired
indifferent
dead inside (to be fair, this isn’t a word… it’s two words)
spiritless
empty
detached

And I could add one more…

meh.


 

written for #wordoftheday – meh

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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33 Responses to dispassionate. #wordoftheday

  1. jkostakis says:

    I hear you. I have ​a repeated cycles of Meh. I always responded to them with a major overhaul. I have learned after numerous cycles of making drastic changes, switching jobs every five years and changing relationships that chasing the next shiny object, starting over with something or someone new isn’t necessarily the best answer. At least for me. The excitement is short lived. When the newness wears off, the feelings stir again, and the cycle repeats.

    I’m not sure if you were contimplating a big change, I realized that making small tweaks along the journey makes all the difference.  Embracing new experiences and making even minor changes can take me from feeling like I am in a perpetual rut, stuck running the hamster wheel of life to being inspired again.

    I discovered my feelings of discontent, much like a two-year-old child tugging at my skirt,  would not be ignored and would continue to haunt me until I listened and took action. The call to action was to be my authentic self or as some call it unapologetically honest standing in my truth. For me, it was recognizing that although I had a beautiful life, it was okay to feel out of sorts and that and even though my life was ideal, it was perfectly acceptable to feel something was amiss.  It was okay to want something different and to go one step further and do something about it.
     
    I remembered a comment a friend made about repeating patterns in a relationship and that until you learn whatever lesson was being sent your way, that pattern would continue to repeat itself. It was during this dual change that I took a deep look at the patterns I had repeated over a lifetime. 

    Without a doubt, I have a pattern of boredom and oddly enough contentment is the catalyst. I discovered that if I felt stagnant, the road back to Pleasantville was barricaded. To move the barrier, I had to figure out where the feeling was coming from and what part of my spirit wasn’t fulfilled.

    This is where I realized for me a full life change wasn’t necessary and that it is possible to move from a meh feeling to an inspired one with subtle modifications like learning new skills. For me, I just have to keep growing and learning, or I feel like I am stuck on a hamster wheel repeating each day over and over like Groundhog day. I believe we are not meant to be static. We have to learn new things and seek out challenges that keep us growing and evolving. Mahatma Gandhi – Live like you were dying but learn like you were to live forever.  If I ignore this and settle into my comfort zone, the uneasy feeling becomes so intense it springboards me right into a radical change that I may or may not be ready for or even need. 

    That feeling may be a scream for change. A time to take stock and be honest about what is working and what is not. Maybe something as simple as learning to dance, building a garden or taking a photography class can make you feel excited and alive.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is definitely NOT contentment that has me feeling this way. My entire life is a disaster. I am not content about any part of it. I hate all of it.

      I know… so change it. I wish it was that simple but I have been trying for years. Literally, years. I haven’t been able to change much of anything. I am not capable of that. Not directed toward you… I don’t think you were quite saying this, but… I’m sick of people telling me to just do this or that like it’s so easy… so simple. Maybe it is for them, but it’s not for me. I have my own set of issues and circumstances. Massive anxiety and so many other contributing factors. And the more people tell me to “just do this and all will be well”, the worse I feel… because I can’t do those things.

      Things are just hopeless right now.

      Like

  2. Mel Gutiér says:

    This made me giggle at the end. Ummm… I know. You weren’t trying to be funny., but my darlin… this was very witty.

    Me thinks you should shoot me an email. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mel Gutiér says:

    By the way… love the image!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. All of those words fit the “meh” mold. I wish I could switch out every one of them. 😕

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have gone through this cycle many times and as dampening as it can get I am learning to keep calm, ride the rough seasons, enjoy the little things until things turn right side up. Writing it out just as you are doing helps a great deal. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you. I really need things to turn around. Things don’t feel good at all right now. They haven’t always been this bad so maybe they won’t stay this way? Some days, I don’t know, though…

      Like

  6. I feel like that sometimes. I actually just got pulled out of a meh phase. I hope as your 29th birthday approaches, that you’ll find a new phase or chapter in your life and a new passion will be revealed to you!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Meg says:

    I’ve always been sort of envious of those driven people who’ve known exactly what they wanted to do all their lives since they were 5 years old. I’ve never been that way myself… Although I think if I’d had some guidance and encouragement as a young person I might have figured it out. Anyway, it’s not too late to figure out your passions. You’re having an extra tough time right now but it doesn’t mean the door is closed for good!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think some guidance would have helped me, too. I had none… and I screwed everything up. I do think it’s too late for me because I haven’t a clue what I want and I don’t think I ever will so how can I get there?

      And yeah… those people who have always known what they wanted… I envy them. The only thing I ever knew I wanted was love and I don’t even really have that…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. alexraphael says:

    I agree with everything people say in the comments.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Ogden Fahey says:

    I know this feeling! Its a bummer aint it? I think you’re gona have to see the liberating side of it – you can do anything, cos you’re not stuck on a definitive path, thinking that way is super cool, downside is the terminal nature of it, upside, moments of sheer brilliance and honest to god genius! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hunida says:

    I love your writing, Sandra, even if you dont. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m the only one in my family without a career. I never knew what I wanted to be either. Hubby says he knew since he was little that he was fascinated by electricity and later electronics and he always knew he wanted to do that. But my sister and brothers all work in different fields than their degrees were in. Mine at least was in journalism. But my sister got a second degree in accounting and became a cpa in her 40s (from Russian history)! So, it’s true, you can do anything you want really. Wish you lots of xxoo s!

    Liked by 2 people

    • If I had money I could do something. But I can’t afford to go back to school… and I don’t know what I’d be pursuing anyway…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I should have explained. My sis didn’t just go back to school. Once she realized she wasn’t going to be a UN interpreter, ha, and she needed a job, she started working for H&R Block part time, cause she had two kids and her hubby was Navy and had a varied schedule. After awhile she took night classes cause she’s a numbers person and got a second degree in accounting then eventually sat for the CPA exam. Does your city have any programs to help women find jobs, training, etc.? I think we do thru our village hall and the library. Maybe that would give you some help?

        Liked by 1 person

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