what sandra thinks

I question.

Posted on 6 October 2016 by what sandra thinks

thinking.

Things I question…
My sanity
Therapy
My parenting
My marriage
My life choices
God

Things I never question…
My math skills
My music
My black wardrobe
Coffee

glyphicons-295-coffee-cup

I truly have no idea what the point of this post is… is it even a poem? Probably not…

© 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 40 Comments

song of the day. #1

Posted on 4 October 2016 by what sandra thinks

Every day doesn’t have a song of the day. Just some days. Or more than some. Or less.

I was thinking (a horrible idea, really)… since you already know so much about me (sorry, please don’t be scared), you might as well have a soundtrack, too.

I feel that I should mention…
I really love the music I love.
I really hate the music I hate.
I tend to have months-long obsessions with a few artists at a time…
… but I will try not to bore you.

Things have not been fabulous lately. (As if that’s big news…) And until I’m able to scale a few extremely tall mountains, they’re not going to be. Perhaps you’d suggest something happy and upbeat to help. But I would punch happy and upbeat in the face right now. Oh, hell, I’d punch them in the face always.

No, I need to be with someone who gets me. So obviously… Morrissey. Obviously.

This song is the birthplace of quite possibly my favorite Morrissey-ism ever…

I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside…

Obviously, I am not the owner of nor do I have any rights to this song… but everything else… © 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged morrissey, music, song of the day, the smiths, whatsandrathinks, writing | 30 Comments

shh.

Posted on 4 October 2016 by what sandra thinks

No words.
I would rather
Words remain unspoken
Than hear you speak another lie.
Don’t talk.

© 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged cinquain, poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 7 Comments

letter to me.

Posted on 2 October 2016 by what sandra thinks

Dear Heart,
Could you give up
just a little control
of my mind?

Dear Shoulders,
Could you release
the tension causing me
such pain?

Dear Insides,
Could you stop
your violent flipping
and twisting?

Dear Eyes,
Could you close
without crying so hard
every night?

Dear Mind,
Could you clean up
the overwhelming mess
you’ve made?

blue dots.

© 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 58 Comments

fiction friday 43: secret admirer. part 21.

Posted on 1 October 2016 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

This is part 21 of secret admirer. ♥

[Previously posted: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 19, part 20]
Continue reading →

Posted in fiction, fiction friday, writing | Tagged fiction, fiction friday, fictionfriday, romance, secret admirer, whatsandrathinks, writing | 26 Comments

a few things.

Posted on 1 October 2016 by what sandra thinks

calvin-writing-crop

I wanted to share a few things… none of which are vitally important… but Calvin told me to share anyway.

I’m sorry about ‘secret admirer‘… again. Despite all of recent hellishness, I thought it would be ready sometime Friday as it should have been… but it wasn’t and it still isn’t. I tried so hard to finish it last night, but, of course, the harder I tried, the harder it became. My current plan is to post by the end of today… or at least the end of tomorrow. Though I’m not very happy with either of those… should have been Friday.
I think something chemically weird is going on with substances I’ve been ingesting. Legally. Like, not a mood or a terrible way of thinking… but rather physical manifestations from some combo of substances. I thought nothing of it until it occurred to me that these things started with no apparent cause other than one recent med modification. Now I’m thinking that’s the reason… Of course, I had this realization last night, fucking Friday night, and I cannot do anything about it until Monday. I’m not sure I dare say I’m ‘lucky‘… but I do happen to have a previously-scheduled appointment Monday morning. I just hope another switch doesn’t ruin the part of the previous one that was really helpful. (Sorry for being so vague.)
I haven’t allowed myself to get a new handbag even though my current one has a hole hiding on the side. But no new one because money. Well, I finally said ‘fuck it‘ and bought one. (Finally said ‘fuck it’? I say that about 50 times a day…) The bag wasn’t expensive so obviously it’s pleather, not leather, but I don’t care. As long as it’s black. Of course, I feel guilty as hell over spending anything. (Oh, and my wallet is also in a dire state… ugh. Maybe I can borrow my daughter’s velcro Batgirl one…)
I feel like there was something else but I have no fucking idea what it was.

You probably didn’t need a blow-by-blow account of the goings-on in my head… (at least not this kind of blow-by-blow…) but there it is.

Posted in personal, writing | Tagged personal, whatsandrathinks, writing | 13 Comments

am I?

Posted on 30 September 2016 by what sandra thinks

breaking girl

When I’m alone with this
I want to call for you
but it doesn’t matter
how much you care or don’t
you won’t know what to say
and that’s not your fault

I count on no one
not even myself

Confusion overwhelms me
when I am okay…
and then I am not
even when everything
is the same… except me

I cannot attach
this all-consuming pain
to anything tangible
like a sudden headache
with no apparent cause

I can only wonder
what is truly
wrong with me
How can I change
the way I react
to nothing?

I have finally gone
where I never thought
I could go
but the road is long
the work is painful
and I don’t see the end

I always imagined
even if I never learned
strength, hope, happiness
I would just go on
without them
still being mom and wife
and daughter and sister
and friend

but in this moment
I am scared to death
that I will stop
having strength
and will and energy
to do anything

am I going to be okay?