am I?

breaking girl

When I’m alone with this
I want to call for you
but it doesn’t matter
how much you care or don’t
you won’t know what to say
and that’s not your fault

I count on no one
not even myself

Confusion overwhelms me
when I am okay…
and then I am not
even when everything
is the same… except me

I cannot attach
this all-consuming pain
to anything tangible
like a sudden headache
with no apparent cause

I can only wonder
what is truly
wrong with me
How can I change
the way I react
to nothing?

I have finally gone
where I never thought
I could go
but the road is long
the work is painful
and I don’t see the end

I always imagined
even if I never learned
strength, hope, happiness
I would just go on
without them
still being mom and wife
and daughter and sister
and friend

but in this moment
I am scared to death
that I will stop
having strength
and will and energy
to do anything

am I going to be okay?

 swish.
© 2016 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
This entry was posted in anxiety, poetry, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

66 Responses to am I?

  1. Halycon Prana says:

    I can only say that I can relate intensively to the last few posts. With this post being my most potent. It’s oddly strange reading the mind of another, when it could quite easily be your own thoughts. At first it can feel liberating, but then I am quickly reminded of the stark fact that another is as scared and trapped by their own thoughts as I. I want to say something enlightening, but all I really know is the ebb and the flow. I know you are a strong and beautiful person, and you will find the break in the clouds. Yes.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I have read this comment over and over because I find it somehow comforting. Yet I sit here unable to think of how to respond. I don’t wish my terrible feelings on anyone so I’m sad that anyone relates. But it makes me feel a little less alone and a little less scared knowing someone understands (and hasn’t gone completely mad). I want to thank you for your words. I appreciated everything you said and I wish I had the right words to express that.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I understand what you feel. I can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are helping yourself now. I can feel your strength, my friend ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You have taken the hardest step, the first one. I know it seems overwhelming and insurmountable but you will get there. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel. And until you see that light, keep reaching out. We will be here. To listen, to rally your spirits, to just let you know that you are not alone. Thinking of you. xo

    Liked by 5 people

  5. What sirensong1208 said. In triplicate. You’re doing good. Keep going 🙂 We’re with ya!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you… I was just saying (well, typing) that I keep wondering when everyone will get sick of hearing my crap and disappear. You must be the best friends I’ve ever had because no one has ever stuck around… thank you.

      Like

  6. Laura says:

    Stay strong. I think your honestly and courage will carry you through.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. The more I see the use of this medium, the more I am glad it exists. I felt the emotion through your words here and it gives a great reflection of your heart. These feelings and thoughts are something many of us struggle with, and although there is no real action to take to remedy them very well, there is some kind of solace in knowing that you aren’t the only one who feels like this. And trust me, you aren’t the only one. Exactly how and how long it will take I cannot say, but you will be okay. Keep your words coming.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you… I worry about continuing to let this all out here. I’ve really not had people in my life who want to hear it, if you know what I mean. Maybe once I could go to them, but if I come back, they’re already sick of it and me. Thank you so much.

      Like

  8. Miriam says:

    You are stronger than you think Sandra. Pouring your heart and soul out takes courage and strength, both of which you have. Never lose hope my friend, just like the sun always rises you’ll keep coping. Sending you loads of positive energy and many hugs. xo

    Liked by 5 people

  9. jsant1214 says:

    This is beautiful- I’m sorry you’re at this place emotionally- but happy you have a way to let it out and process what you’re feeling. I hope that with each writing a piece of your sadness is released and you start walking towards happiness or emotional peace. Best wishes! 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I know for a fact you’re not alone in having these feelings. I’m currently watching one of my best friends go through it. He’s losing interest in even trying anymore. I wish I could do more for him and his situation, much like I wish I could do more for you. I’ll offer the same thing to you that I have to him: an objective ear, positive thoughts, encouragement, and a hug. You can do this. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for. As long as you’re breathing, keep trying. That’s all any of us can do. And, in your case, keep writing and keep leaning on us here. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

    • I keep saying this — I fear getting to a place where everyone is so sick of my whiny crap that they just don’t want to hear (read) it anymore. And your friend who doesn’t even want to try anymore — if I did not have children, I would be there. I wouldn’t bother. I’d just let myself crawl into whatever hole I could find and never come out. So I understand that, too. As much as I hate therapy, one thing stuck with me from the first appointment… it’s easier to do nothing. The outcome sucks, but it’s so much easier. Honestly, I still think therapy and whatever exercises this guy is putting me through are total “hokum” (is that what Sheldon says?)… but my alternative, while easier, will ruin lives that aren’t my own…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Therapy can help, if you have the right fit with your therapist. They won’t fix the problem, but give you the tools to do so, ideally. As for us tiring of you, I doubt that’ll happen, and I know I won’t. If they do, to hell with them. You need encouragement and helpful ears, not assholes. If you then as readers, you’re better off without em anyway. Think quality vs quantity. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        • Everyone always says “if you have the right fit” with a therapist. I have no idea what that means! I get confused and concerned every time I see that… because I have no idea how I’d know! I certainly don’t hold back at all with this guy. Hell, I told him I didn’t think any of this was going to work which sort of negates his entire profession, but it didn’t bother him… he understands me feeling that way… so I guess that’s good? No idea, though, if that means he’s a good fit…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Well, I think someone who doesn’t blow textbook, psych 101 shit up your skirt. Someone who actually listens AND hears where you’re coming from. Someone who forces you to not only answer some tough questions, but makes you think, dig down, and be honest with them, but, more importantly, with yourself. And someone who doesn’t try to “fix” you, rather someone who tailors their tools and discussions based solely on your particular issues. Do you get a “feeling” about him, that you can trust him and open up, fully? Do you feel better and like you have some groundwork laid with a clear plan for the next session? Does he give you “homework”? That’s how I’d know they were the right fit.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Yes… I get homework. I tell him exactly what I think… not just holding nothing back about me, but even telling him that I think what he’s asking me to do is total BS and I don’t see how it will help. Yesterday, I almost felt like I was kind of arguing with him. Not in a vicious way… just challenging him, and vice versa. He stood up and started writing on a white board! I have never had a therapist like that… actually trying to teach me something. He is definitely not just sitting there listening to me ramble on about whatever makes me miserable and telling me to just smile and eventually I’ll mean it. If he said something like that, I’d have walked out and never gone back. No, he does ask tough questions because as I’m answering, I know my answer is based on my messed up way of thinking… not the way things really are (in some (most?) cases). And I hate to be wrong.

              Sorry, way too much information. Although I was considering making a therapist post… guess I just did.

              Like

              • No worries. Ramble on to us as much as you want. Suddenly, I’m craving Led Zeppelin. But anyway, all that he’s doing sounds promising. He engaged, and engaging you. Remember, he can’t “fix” everything. His job is to hear you then come up with a plan to guide you along with the tools you’ll need to climb outta this hole. Give him a chance. It sounds like he’s doing a good job so far. And, as is usually the case, if he’s doing a good job, you may think things are worse than when you started. But, to climb that mountain you’ll likely fall back to base camp a few times first. Don’t give up. Tell that negative voice in your head to shut the fuck up. Buckle down. You control more of this than you think. And we’ll be here to listen too. 😊

                Liked by 2 people

  11. Meg Sorick says:

    Everyone else has said so much. I’m not sure what to add. Except my own thoughts of love and support, my own struggles and weaknesses (so again you know you’re not alone) and my ear to listen and shoulder to cry on. Maybe with all these wonderful minds at work and hearts in sympathy, you can find some small comfort in that. That we all have confidence in you, appreciate your talents and are here to lean on in times of crisis. I think you’re going to be ok. It might take some time yet, but you’re going to get there. Love you cupcake! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think time scares me. Like, how long is it going to take for me to feel human… to be able to find a job… to be able to take care of anyone the way I should. Because I don’t have a lot of time. What happens when we run out of money? Live in a cardboard box under the overpass? Like trolls? Fuck, I don’t know. I truly don’t feel optimistic about getting better. You don’t sound so sure either… which totally makes sense — it’s also how I feel. I want to believe I’ll, but I’m not even there yet – at believing. I wonder if eating a whole cheesecake would help me get there? xoxo much love

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg Sorick says:

        No, I do think you’ll get better. I’m just saying it’s not a quick fix. There’s no snapping of the fingers and it’s all solved. But I DO think there is hope. I think you just have to hurdle one thing at a time. And probably priority number one is finding work. Or getting the courage to start looking. But think about it, work is going to have a two fold benefit. 1. You will have the income you need which takes the fear and stress of poverty off the table and 2. You will have the self esteem boost you need by contributing again. Trust me that’s a BIG thing for me too, even though finances aren’t an issue. I still feel like a slacker for not working full time even though every minute of my day is full…. But I digress. And as far as the relationship issues go. Well, that too may be solved in time. For make or for break (for lack of a better term…) Taking the first step is going to be the hardest and you might have to force yourself to do it. But once it’s taken, the rest will get easier. I hope this helps… Xoxoxo

        Liked by 2 people

        • I thought I did take the first step by going to a therapist… which I’ve been fighting for well over a year. I don’t know what the next first step is… which I think would be the second step? I do see the multiple benefits of having a job again. For a long time, I didn’t truly believe it was anything more than a money maker that would be miserable. Honestly, I still think the job itself will be miserable… and I actually tried to look for a little while the other night… but I found nothing even remotely appropriate. So even when I can make a phone call or whatever I need to do, there won’t be a job anyway. And honestly, if money was not an issue, I think I might be maybe 1/8 this messed up. Money is at least 95% of the issue… and it TOTALLY CAN buy happiness. I don’t care what anyone says. Sure, all other problems wouldn’t be solved, but it would be a LOT easier to deal with them… and they wouldn’t feel so enormous…

          And sure, relationship issues… but I believe they wouldn’t be as bad either (at least in my f-ed up head) if I had money/a job. Because that removes a ton of stress from everyone in my house… not just me. And stress definitely contributes to that…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg Sorick says:

            Ok, here’s an idea for an intermediate step… Is your resume up to date? Work on polishing that up. And what about the temp job idea (I know I sound like a broken record and I apologize) just to get back in the swing of things? Finding a job is going to make a HUGE difference based on what you just said. We gotta make it happen. Even I have to come up there and help! Besides I’m dying to drag you to a certain art museum in your neck of the woods. 🤓

            Liked by 1 person

            • Well, yes, my resume is up to date. I updated it right away after I got laid off because I knew if I waited long, it would only be harder to do it. And, of course, at that point, I was not where I am now, kind of paralyzed.

              I would take a temp job. Of course I’d have to find an agency… and call them. Which is a HUGE struggle for me. Honestly – the only reason I made it to this therapist is because I was able to communicate with him solely through email. I never had to call. I tried a few agency websites and all said to call. My phone-phobia is ridiculous. It doesn’t help that I have no idea what to tell them I’m looking for since I don’t know and my last few jobs didn’t have a real title that would mean anything to anyone…

              Oh, and the kids. I take a temp job and I immediately have to get them into an after school place (no idea if I’d find one that could take them right away)… and then I immediately have to start paying for it before I’ve made a cent. Might be able to get a little help with that but it’s awful because as soon as I get a job, we have an additional expense (and not a small one). Much worse during summer. And if the temp job doesn’t pay enough, I’ll be spending so much of what I’m earning that it makes no sense.

              I realize I am negative as hell… but yeah, I have been willing to temp from the start. That hasn’t worked out either… 😦

              Liked by 1 person

              • Meg Sorick says:

                Would it help to practice talking on the phone with safe people like Mom, your sisters, etc? You want to practice on me? I’m nice! 😃

                Liked by 1 person

                • Yeah… I have no trouble at all calling my mom… or my husband (when he’s not home, obviously). Like, none at all. Although I do sometimes put off calling my mom… but that’s usually because I’m in a shit mood and don’t want her to worry about me. My sisters, well, it’s just so much faster and easier to text that we rarely talk on the phone, but calling them is okay, too… Oh, and I am usually okay if someone calls me… but initiating the call? Oh God no.

                  Occasionally, I can do it… but I have to either hurry up and do it before I overthink it (rare – I overthink things immediately… it may be the only way I think…) or… fail.

                  I know you are nice. I am just paranoid for anyone to find out my secret identity… even though you’ve already gotten more…

                  Liked by 1 person

  12. theturtle says:

    Thanks to all of you for expressing so well what I wanted to tell dear Sandra 🙂
    And dear , you will be allright
    Turtle Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

  13. VictoryInTrouble says:

    I’m sorry you’re hurting, Sandra. People are right in that it takes a lot of courage to talk about it. So many people can’t even do that. So you’re ahead there! Yay!! 😄 If the money issue is the one looming large in your head, have you sat down with your husband and a spreadsheet or a money program and sketched out what you have coming in and going out? Then you will know and it might take a bit of the stress of the what if away. I grew up poor as poor lol, so I know that money does buy a certain degree of happiness but you will get by, I believe that. Your therapist sounds great, I think he’ll help you. Hugs, love. Do something that makes you happy this weekend. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • The money issue is definitely the biggest thing. I am the queen of spreadsheets (what a nerd)… Unfortunately, though, my husband is so disagreeable over doing that… or disagreeable while doing it. It turns into a fight and it’s just a nightmare. And I know why… he is the one who tends to overspend and he thinks I’m attacking him when I suggest places where we can cut back. But it’s not personal! I can’t cut down on what I spend because the only “extra” money I spend is for a coffee here and there. And of course, he’s the only one bringing in money right now so I also thinks he has a bit of a sense that he earned it so…you know. But we are a family, dammit! He should not think of things as his or mine. And I have tried to get him to understand that but it hasn’t completely worked out. He is taking care of many things without any contribution from me… but he still overspends… it drives me mad. But I’m sure I’ll try again anyway. Thank you so much… and doing something happy sounds like a great idea. ♥♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • VictoryInTrouble says:

        Oh, man!! That would drive me mad too! Ugh. Well, I hope he comes around or something. I think money is a big trigger for couples to fight over. Yes, I hope you do enjoy something fun this weekend! 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh definitely — I read something once about couples fighting and the #1 reason was money. Guess what? After dinner tonight, I told him that we really should do the but it always goes south… so I told him to do it himself. He knows the info. Then, we can talk about it. Totally beats creating it together. Of course… whether he follows through and actually makes the damn spreadsheet, well, who knows?

          Liked by 1 person

  14. I am liking the transition…like Diane pointed out you are helping yourself, the strength is visible. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. magarisa says:

    Another piece that really resonates with me. I am sorry you are in this place, Sandra, and wish I could write something to allay your fears. 💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  16. mandibelle16 says:

    You’re going to be okay. When I was very ill at first, my Mom told me to take it one day at a time. The future is scary, but one day at a time you can handle. Plan a bit for tomorrow but mostly focus on today. That’s how you get through it. And other people don’t often understand but if they’re there with you, that’s all you can ask. Just have them be with you. Try your best to explain. There is nothing wrong with you, Sorry such a late comment. Stay well. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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