what sandra thinks

song of the day. #11

Posted on 24 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

song of the day.

Whenever I hear this song, I am reminded of a deejay I used to love listening to every morning. Sadly, he, his morning show, and the entire station… are no more. Well, he still exists… just not in my world.

Oh, Fletcher, I totally miss you… for saying things like…

“When The Airborne Toxic Event plays ‘Sometime Around Midnight’, I may have to jump up on stage, fall to my knees, and weep.”

This song inspired me. A scene in one of my stories was born from me listening to this song on repeat for a few days. The story in question has been posted here. I wonder if you know which it is… or if you accept this as a fiction-hunting challenge…

I think this song makes my top-ten-best-songs-of-all-time list, too. (I think my top-ten list has about 50 songs on it… or more.)

And I couldn’t seem to select a smaller piece of the lyrics…

And so there’s a change in your emotions
And all these memories come rushing like feral waves to your mind
Of the curl of your bodies like two perfect circles entwined
And you feel hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine

Then she leaves with someone you don’t know
But she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door, your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes
Oh and your friends say “What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost”

Then you walk under the streetlights
And you’re too drunk to notice that everyone’s staring at you
You just don’t care what you look like, the world is falling around you

Maybe you’ve heard this song before… maybe not. But I highly recommend hearing it now. And again later. And a few more times after that.

Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, this video, or these lyrics… just everything else… which isn’t much… © 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in music, writing | Tagged music, song of the day, the airborne toxic event, whatsandrathinks, writing | 24 Comments

talk.

Posted on 22 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

girlfriends.

I just want to talk.

Being alone with my racing roller-coaster thoughts never ends well. Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to end at all. It sucks. That’s a fucking revelation. It sucks.

I have never been a girl with tons of friends. And I prefer it that way. But here… in my life – my physical-human-interaction-offline life – I wish I had a friend. One… or two… maybe three. But even one. I’m totally good with one.

Back in college, I had a few amazing friends. [And one I thought was my ‘best friend’ (part 1, part 2)… but that was all kinds of wrong.] I’ve long since lost touch – and geographical closeness – with all of them. After graduation, I made a few new friends. Mostly through others… through means by which I did not have to initiate anything… because I’ve always sucked at that. Maybe that’s why every friend I’ve ever had has been at least a little (often a lot) more outgoing than I am.

But life takes people in a million different directions and none of them landed here with me. And I fucking hate it. I’m not asking for the world. Just one. One coffee-drinking, secret-sharing friend. I miss it. The laughing and the crying and the laughing-so-hard-we’re-crying. I miss the always-there-for-me with an ear, with a smile, with brutal honesty, with a kick in the ass (as needed)… and with a big fat hug.

I am so over loneliness. I miss having a friend.

Because I just want to talk.

Please note:
Should any of you – my amazing online friends – have an inclination to relocate, do contact me at your earliest convenience…
—
©2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in writing | Tagged friends, loneliness, talk, whatsandrathinks, writing | 71 Comments

at last.

Posted on 21 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

at last.

at last I close my eyes
the sky the moon the stars
all floating above
whispering to me…

‘in darkness find your peace
take it inside with every breath
and when the light emerges
stealing the moon the stars
remember you have the sky
when at last you open your eyes’

© 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in poetry, writing | Tagged poetry, whatsandrathinks, writing | 35 Comments

the ending deviation.

Posted on 20 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

the end?

Everything ends. Whether in my control or not, everything ends. This song will end. This story will end. I will end. Some endings suck. Some are the best things that could ever happen.

As a writer (hey, you keep telling me I really am one), I hate the end. It’s the worst part. I struggle every time. I hate ending a story. I know it’s why I had so much trouble ending ‘Secret Admirer’ last week. And when I did… I knew it would be painful but I underestimated just how strongly it would affect me. I cried… and I’m still not over it.

And there’s this other story… I’ve been writing it for about 4 years (or is it 5?). I’ve posted tiny pieces of it here — one Friday — and a few other pieces before. I was going to link them here, but I changed my mind… maybe you’ll guess! Of course, I do mess with names all the time so it’s probably not obvious. In fact, I have never used the actual names of the main characters from the ‘real’ story anywhere on this blog. It’s like they’re my secret-special-characters and I’m keeping them for myself by not sharing their ‘real’ names… even if I share pieces of their story. Also, I am a freak.

This story, as yet untitled (let’s call it… JSP… that seems cryptic enough), is currently in the vicinity of 180,000 words. Really. 180k. I came to a point around 140k where it could have (and likely should have) ended… but I just had so much more story I wanted to tell… so many other little ideas. And I couldn’t let go. So when I arrived at that natural end-point, I kept going. It’s like I’m writing a television series… that should have been canceled about 3 seasons back. It’s not that what I’m writing isn’t good. It’s just not truly part of the original plot… or enough of another one to warrant a second stand-alone story.

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to cut myself off… to end the story where it should have ended.

But if I am honest with myself, I know what JSP really is. It’s my fake journal. It’s my fantasy life. It’s where I go to escape. If I end it, I lose my secret hiding place.

Why would I want to do that?

heart.

© 2016 what sandra thinks

Posted in writing | Tagged endings, whatsandrathinks, writing | 37 Comments

fiction friday 46: he didn’t come for coffee. (take 2)

Posted on 18 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

This is a repost from a year ago this week. I had far fewer followers back then — I think this will be new to almost everyone…

A tiny piece from a larger story I’ve been writing… forever…

{At dinner with friends…}

“You love that I have great taste in wine… and food…” Abby shook her head. “And friends, I suppose,” she added with an eye roll, laughing at her friends’ teasing.

“True… we do love that about you,” Joe said. Emma nodded in agreement, raising her glass again.

“She has great taste in men, too,” Carly blurted out. Abby knew her cheeks immediately turned red.

“What?!” Emma perked right up. “Men? What men?”

“Oh, Emma, he was beautiful,” Carly sighed and made dreamy eyes at Abby.

“Wait, what?” Emma grabbed Abby’s arm. “What is she talking about?”

Before Abby could say anything, Carly jumped in. “This morning, Em, this Adonis came into the shop and asked for her.” Carly turned to Abby and saw her rosy cheeks.

“Oh God,” Abby mumbled, covering her face with her hand.

girl.

Emma grabbed Abby’s hand and pulled it away from her face. “Spill!” she demanded.

“Yeah, Abby!” Carly giggled, “Who was that gorgeous guy? Tell us!”

Abby took a deep breath but felt her heart pounding at the thought of him anyway. “A friend…” she said shyly.

Carly looked at Emma. “He was not looking at her in a friendly way, Em. Trust me on this!”

“Abigail.” Emma always used Abby’s full name when she was serious. Or trying to be serious. “I knew it! I knew there was a man! He’s the reason, isn’t he?”

“The reason?” Abby asked.

“Carly,” Emma said turning away from Abby. “Yesterday, I walked in on Abby slicing coffee cake in the back and she didn’t even notice me. And she was singing!”

“All right,” Joe had to interrupt. “Now even I’m curious…”

Abby felt all eyes on her. “I told you…” She tried not to have a ridiculously telling smile on her face, but she knew she failed. “He’s a friend…”

“For now,” Carly teased. She turned to Emma. “That’s what Abby told me this morning… for now…”

Emma smiled at Carly. “So Carls, Adonis?”

Carly looked over at Joe. “Joe, block your ears.” She laughed and looked back at Emma. “Em… he is really hot. Like, dreamy hot. If you look up ‘tall-dark-and-handsome,’ there‘s probably a picture of him.”

“Oh my God.” Abby blushed again and ran her fingers through her hair. She agreed with every word Carly said, but she still wasn’t sure she was ready to share anything more.

“So Abby…” Emma nudged her, “when is he coming back to the bakery?”

“I’m not sure,” Abby mumbled.

“Okay, ladies,” Joe came to Abby’s rescue. “I think we’ve embarrassed Abby enough. Look at her! She’s as red as that strawberry margarita you’re drinking.”

Abby smiled at Joe. “You’re my hero right now,” she said, endlessly grateful for his words.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want to check this guy out,” Joe said. “I have to make sure he’s good enough for you.”

He’s perfect for me, Abby thought. But she said nothing.

“Well, he’s definitely hot enough,” Carly offered. “And Em, don’t worry, he’ll show up at the shop again. He was not there for coffee. I saw the way he looked at Abby. A man does not undress a friend with his eyes when he looks at her. He’ll be back.”

Posted in bloggingu, fiction, fiction friday, love, romance, writing | Tagged fiction, fiction friday, fictionfriday, love, romance, short fiction, whatsandrathinks, writing, writing101 | 40 Comments

headshrinker.

Posted on 17 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

one light.

I’m still struggling with this. Still, God dammit! When does it turn the corner? When does it make one damn bit of difference at all?

It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? Trying to fix things. Getting help with what I couldn’t seem to fix on my own. But when do you know if you’ve made the right call? When do you know it’s right… or it’s wrong? When? And how?

I understand what he’s trying to accomplish. I really do. I’m not sure I believe in it… but I’ve been doing what’s asked of me. Am I just going through the motions? I want it to help… I want it to work. But is it working? It doesn’t feel like it. He pointed out a couple of small changes that he’s noticed. I will be honest – I didn’t notice them. I know everything’s not going to just magically be “fixed”. Poof! No… I don’t expect that. I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t expect to feel… nothing.

I have managed to spend more time in my personal hell [job hunting] without having constant meltdowns. Is that progress? Or is it desperation? I’ve spoken on the phone a couple of times… but don’t get excited – I didn’t make the calls. And they went nowhere.

It’s not Sandra-hell all the time. That’s not the picture I’m trying to paint. That’s not an accurate picture. Yes, some mornings, I wake up with the heaviness of an anvil on my chest and near-instant tears before I’ve even had a chance to lift my head from my pillow. But I’ve also had some good days over the past few weeks. They tend to be the days I’m able to avoid job-search-hell… but they’re pretty good days.

Until the guilt sets in.

How dare you smile and feel a shred of happiness when you haven’t found a job yet? You don’t deserve to enjoy yourself until you’re working… earning something. And you sure as fuck don’t deserve that extra coffee you just bought.

Tomorrow I see him yet again. (As usual, it’s after midnight as I write this… so technically I see him ‘today’… in about 9 hours.) And I will be thinking of telling him… of asking him… again… should I see a change? Should something be ‘working’ yet? Is this just not going to work for me? And if not, am I out of options? Because… then what?

And for fuck’s sake, please do not tell me I have to make change happen… don’t tell me I have to work for things to get better. Just don’t. Because I am trying so fucking hard… and nothing improves. There is such a thing as luck. Plenty of people have good luck. I’ve seen it. Shit just works out for them whether they try or not. I have no clue what that’s like. Yeah, I have luck. But only the bad kind.

I’m tired of feeling broken. And lonely. And utterly inconsequential. And I’m tired of failing. And crying. When do I get a break? When do I have some good luck? When do things start to work out?

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Posted in anxiety, writing | Tagged anxiety, therapy, whatsandrathinks, writing | 101 Comments

song of the day. #10

Posted on 16 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

song of the day.

The first time I heard this song, I died a little inside. I think it actually ripped out a piece of my heart. I had a lot of angst. I guess I still do. Isn’t that supposed to go away when you grow up? Hmm. I’ll get back to you on that… when I grow up.

This song easily makes my top-ten-best-songs-of-all-time list.

The original is the only version for me. Yeah, the Johnny Cash cover is well-loved, but me? I must have the original Trent Reznor. Because he’s fucking amazing.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

Posted in music, writing | Tagged music, NIN, nine inch nails, song of the day, trent reznor, whatsandrathinks, writing | 11 Comments

fiction friday 45: secret admirer. part 23.

Posted on 14 November 2016 by what sandra thinks

fiction friday.

This is part 23 of secret admirer. ♥
(Finally. I know it’s not Friday, but I’ve missed a few of those, so as promised, I’m posting this right away. Oh, you’ve been so patient… and I hope you feel it was worth the wait when you read…)

[Previously posted: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 19, part 20, part 21, part 22]