unwilling competitor. the rest.

girls.This will make much more sense if you read unwilling competitor (the first part) before this.
• • • • •

And… here’s the rest of the story…

Groom’s Brother.

Perhaps the best part of the whole wedding fiasco was JD. The groom’s brother was a couple of years younger, incredibly sweet and ridiculously smart. And he loved visiting me in my dorm room, listening to Nine Inch Nails and other cool shit while we talked all night.

And then I deflowered him. Is that term used for men? I assume not. He certainly did not have a flower. More like a… I don’t know… I cannot come up with a proper botanical metaphor. He was quite um… blessed and I was honored to be his first. And second. And, well, you get the picture. [Not the literal picture – this was not captured on film. Unfortunately.]

This guy lost his virginity while Sin was blaring from the speakers. [Must cover up sex noises with music in the dorm lest all the neighbors stand outside your door listening. Although I might not have minded. I suppose I had (have?) a bit of exhibitionist in me.] I’m willing to bet JD never forgot a damn thing about that night.

nin. sin.

I’ve always wondered if E tried to have a go at him. I would not be at all surprised to discover that she did. And I spitefully love that because he would never have done that to his brother… so she would have been rejected.

Graduation.

As we neared college graduation, I met G, the groom’s best friend. And damn! Everyone around E’s groom was so much hotter than he was. And so much less annoying. Why E married that guy is still a mystery to me. Maybe she just wanted the attention. Maybe she thought having a wedding when I was single meant she ‘won’ whatever fucked up game she was playing.

But back to G… oh, he had the sexiest messy dark hair. And those eyes – I felt like he could see me naked when he looked at me. I blushed every single time. And I loved it. Alas, before I could get far enough out of my shy-zone to have an evening alone with him, E jumped in.

girl alone.She had met G a few months earlier. Of course, she never mentioned him to me. And she never went after him until I met him – until she realized I was interested in him. The moment she knew, she made her move. I even remember the night it happened. Her husband was working late at the campus library. E told me G was at their apartment and after many beers, well, you know the rest. Yet another guy she fucked right out from under me. [Not literally, of course.] I’m not even going to touch upon the morality of E fucking her husband’s best friend.

Soon after, my friend David and I began to get much closer… and ultimately, we were together for four years. E never fucked him. She may have tried. I’m not sure and I don’t want to know. But even if she did try, she failed. He was not interested in her at all.

In fact, David wondered the same thing you’re probably wondering right now…

Why the hell did I remain friends with her?

Clearly, I was a doormat. Her doormat. Because God knows she walked all over me. She treated me like ass yet I was still there… ready to take more. I was not confident enough. I was not outgoing enough. And maybe I was not enough of a bitch.

I guess I let her win.

Flash Forward.

After graduation, I lost touch with E for months. Then she emailed me or I emailed her or we had a quick phone call – I don’t remember. And we quickly slipped back out of touch again. I’m not sure how many years passed before I received the email that floored me.

shocker.

She wasn’t with her husband anymore… not that she was even really with him when she was with him. She moved back in with her parents. She had a crappy job, but it’s where she met someone. The words she used were so telling. She said her current flame wanted to take care of her. Not I’m in love or I’m so happy. No. She was going to be taken care of.

E must have loved that. She was a very take take take person without much give. But what floored me was something else. My man-swiping, sex-crazed friend was in a relationship with a woman. [Before anyone reads into this – don’t. I was shocked because it was E. I do not care who people love. Love anyone… or everyone. When I hear the term ‘sexual orientation,’ I think sexual position, not with whom you’re in those positions.]

This was the girl who schooled me on sex when we met. She was the one fucking almost every guy in sight. God, in high school, when my best friend told me he was gay, I just looked at him and said, ‘I know,’ as though he just told me his hair was blond. But E? I never would have guessed that she would stop dating [or fucking] men. But she did. For 13 years. Unless she was cheating. Entirely possible.

During the 13 years E spent with T (an amazing woman, by the way), I met John. The four of us spent lots of time together. They came to our wedding, we had crazy fun game nights. John and I eventually realized that we hung out with them more for T than for E. And the entire time, I never believed E was really in that relationship. T treated her like a fucking princess, but E treated her like crap. Sometimes it was painful to watch.

The reality I always assumed turned out to be true. I cannot confirm that E actually cheated on T, but I do know she tried.

With John.

My fucking husband.

She could not stop trying to steal my life. Ever.

When E and T told us they were moving out-of-state [far, far away out-of-state], I was happy. I was so over her fucking with my life. And when they were gone, John and I missed T. Not E.

happy girl.

A few years later, after I had both of my babies, I was surprised to see an email. E had finally admitted to T, after 13 years together, that she was never going to be happy without a man. What a fucking shock.

First of all, she never loved T. She used her for years… let T take care of her like a spoiled little princess. And she really wanted a man the whole time. I also had always wondered what happened to E’s dream of having children. She talked about it a lot when we were younger, still in school, especially when she got pregnant and months after she miscarried as well. I wondered why she and T never looked into adoption or any other parenting possibilities.

In the very same email, E also told me that she’d already met a man and moved in with him. And she was getting married. Oh, and this is when she and her first husband finally bothered to officially divorce.

Then there was the children thing. We were a bit older when all of this happened and maybe she was older than she wanted to be to have children. But… for the first time ever, she said she didn’t want kids and never did so everything worked out.

Lies. She always wanted kids.

But, you see, I had two beautiful children and since she couldn’t steal that from me, she insisted she never wanted it. I feel sorry for her if she truly wanted them and never became a mom. But on the other hand, I must admit, I think maybe it’s for the best. She is far too selfish to be a mom. Maybe she would have changed had she become one, but I’m not so sure about that.

dots.

I have to take responsibility for my own life. Of course. And I do. But our history shapes us. Some things from my past have made me amazing. And some have made me… well, they’ve been detrimental. I have no doubt that my relationship with E fucked with my head… in ways I am still ‘fixing’

Afraid of losing people. Scared of being replaced. Always worried I’m not good enough. Keeping my desires to myself for fear that someone might steal them before I get there. And sometimes, not going for what I want at all because I’m already convinced I can’t have it. 

I probably should have cut the cord as soon as she bought those shoes. Bitch.

I never wanted to be a part of her stupid competition. And my life certainly isn’t perfect…

But I don’t think she won.

dots.

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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44 Responses to unwilling competitor. the rest.

  1. Miriam says:

    Don’t you sometimes wish you could turn back time? Where it all began and rewrite it all. But then again, she didn’t win and maybe you wouldn’t be the person you are. Thanks for sharing Sandra.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wendy says:

    No she didn’t win. Great story. Great lessons.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I firmly believe that all experiences are worth it. Even those that we look back and smack our heads over. They do shape us and we become who we were meant to be. We learn lessons, we become layered and deep. Fully realised. That’s something that a person like E will never have. But I understand how you feel about it. I’m the same way..often giving others more chances than they deserve simply because I try to see the best in people. And often some of those people will take advantage. But it’s those others that I focus on and I suspect that you do too. Excellent post(s).

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Not that I’m the scorekeeper, but… you totally won. And are still winning, every day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve tried to analyze my own toxic friendships over the years. Why don’t we cut them off? Why do we put up with their shit? Why would someone do this to themselves? I don’t know. I still have a semi-toxic friend in my circle that I don’t know what to do with. Well, I do agree with what the others have said about life lessons. Experience can be a tough teacher but some of the most powerful lessons are the most painful. At least, you’re finally done with her now. Oh, and she totally lost. And she gave you great material for writing! Boom!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I’ve always struggled with my confidence level… and I think that made me grateful that anyone wanted to be my friend at all — no matter how they treated me. Kind of pathetic! The whole experience definitely left its mark…. leaving me with my fears of not being good enough and of being abandoned or replaced. But you’re right –also great writing material. 🙂 Maybe I should write an autobiography. It will be a horror story. No no no…I’m kidding. Hahaha! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s funny! I can relate. I was never really popular in school. My rep in college was for being the crazy wild party girl who could outdrink the guys. Not for being the pretty or sexy girl the guys wanted to date (or sleep with, even) and that kinda hurt. Even though I had a man posse, they were just my buds. And it wasn’t until later that I realized having all those male friends might have discouraged any guys that might have found me attractive from making a move. It almost kept Harry away in the beginning. Where was I going with this? Right, my point is I never had a lot of self confidence either. So I get it! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

        • Even when someone told me I was the pretty girl (not that this happened all the time at all), I didn’t feel like I was… I didn’t truly believe them. I think I was so used to being in the background that I subconsciously felt I had to stay there. Wow, I am f-ed up, huh? Hahaha 😀

          Liked by 1 person

          • Not at all! I think somehow we ‘learn’ that stuff so early on that it’s imbedded so deeply in our personalities we constantly have to fight against it. I think the trick is being aware of it and making a conscious decision to not let it hold you back from going for what you want in life. You’re doing the right things now. I think I am too. Finally!

            Liked by 1 person

            • It looks to me like you’re doing awesome! I think I may have had the ‘in the background’ thing for a very long time… I have 3 sisters… I am 3rd born. So there’s the oldest, the youngest, the ‘favorite’ and me. What am I? The misfit!

              Like

  6. You did totally well with your life. You have John, two great kids, lots of experience you learned from. Sandra, you’re awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. stephieann8 says:

    I wouldn’t be surprised that she changed her mind about kids because that was something she couldn’t take from under you. She absolutely did not win and anything other than being a wee bit crazy… I almost feel sorry for her. Old me would have definitely felt sorry for her but I’m growing to see that people put themselves in their situations.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Kay says:

    She didn’t win!! No way. This amazing person you are and the beautiful like you’ve built….that’s a win, Sandra. By a landslide.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The V Pub says:

    I usually use roundup to deflower. I like your idea better.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. No, she definitely didn’t win. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Everything happens for a reason, even the bad things. Well written. Sorry, for changing the subject. Is that you in the first photo in the park?

    Liked by 1 person

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