one light.

I’m still struggling with this. Still, God dammit! When does it turn the corner? When does it make one damn bit of difference at all?

It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? Trying to fix things. Getting help with what I couldn’t seem to fix on my own. But when do you know if you’ve made the right call? When do you know it’s right… or it’s wrong? When? And how?

I understand what he’s trying to accomplish. I really do. I’m not sure I believe in it… but I’ve been doing what’s asked of me. Am I just going through the motions? I want it to help… I want it to work. But is it working? It doesn’t feel like it. He pointed out a couple of small changes that he’s noticed. I will be honest – I didn’t notice them. I know everything’s not going to just magically be “fixed”. Poof! No… I don’t expect that. I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t expect to feel… nothing.

I have managed to spend more time in my personal hell [job hunting] without having constant meltdowns. Is that progress? Or is it desperation? I’ve spoken on the phone a couple of times… but don’t get excited – I didn’t make the calls. And they went nowhere.

It’s not Sandra-hell all the time. That’s not the picture I’m trying to paint. That’s not an accurate picture. Yes, some mornings, I wake up with the heaviness of an anvil on my chest and near-instant tears before I’ve even had a chance to lift my head from my pillow. But I’ve also had some good days over the past few weeks. They tend to be the days I’m able to avoid job-search-hell… but they’re pretty good days.

Until the guilt sets in.

How dare you smile and feel a shred of happiness when you haven’t found a job yet? You don’t deserve to enjoy yourself until you’re working… earning something. And you sure as fuck don’t deserve that extra coffee you just bought.

Tomorrow I see him yet again. (As usual, it’s after midnight as I write this… so technically I see him ‘today’… in about 9 hours.) And I will be thinking of telling him… of asking him… again… should I see a change? Should something be ‘working’ yet? Is this just not going to work for me? And if not, am I out of options? Because… then what?

And for fuck’s sake, please do not tell me I have to make change happen… don’t tell me I have to work for things to get better. Just don’t. Because I am trying so fucking hard… and nothing improves. There is such a thing as luck. Plenty of people have good luck. I’ve seen it. Shit just works out for them whether they try or not. I have no clue what that’s like. Yeah, I have luck. But only the bad kind.

I’m tired of feeling broken. And lonely. And utterly inconsequential. And I’m tired of failing. And crying. When do I get a break? When do I have some good luck? When do things start to work out?


©2016 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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101 Responses to headshrinker.

  1. samdfb1 says:

    Girl…I feel you. I really do. The struggle is real. But guess what? You got this…eventhough it might seem hard to believe. Yup.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. S.C. Happily says:

    The only thing that immediately get better is your relationship with self. I’m right there… but know when your circumstance change, this experience will make you shine! You’ll be a walking Giant of Strength and Self Love!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I’m worried my circumstances won’t change… except possibly to get worse!

      Liked by 1 person

      • S.C. Happily says:

        And when it gets worse, you’ll get stronger. Everyone’s survival instincts are different. But your new strength will guide you. Also, living Life is about enduring, not about having it all together.

        I’m living that story and has been for 3 years after an injury, lost a lot and still don’t know the how’s and when’s! But be assured, I’m still getting stronger mentally.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I feel like it’s the opposite for me. I get weaker and weaker. More and more piles up on me and eventually, I’m just going to break. Like blowing up a balloon. Only so much air can go inside until it’s too much and the balloon pops.


          • S.C. Happily says:

            I’ve popped 3 times, and almost a 4th. It’s those little tokens of love that keeps me afloat. Just stay surrounded by ppl, do not box yourself in. Continue to talk or write about it, no matter how much worse it gets.

            For now, I’ll just listen. All Smiles, because I know it’ll get better with time and you’ll learn to love and value self

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Meg Sorick says:

    I think its a good sign that you feel some joy some of the time. I realize that its fleeting and ends up making you feel guilty, but on the good days you must know that nothing has really changed, yet you are happy. Because it came from within not from without. It’s how people living in abject poverty can still find happiness. Or people with serious illness. So don’t feel guilty about having good days. Your mind is giving them to you. You have to let your mind do that for you more often. And maybe the therapy is helping with that… maybe.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t know. I just don’t feel different. I still blame myself for everything… I still just basically don’t like myself. I’m not even sure the occasional-good-days are coming from inside me. This is pathetic and wrong but usually when I feel better it’s because of some external factor or person. How I feel about myself hasn’t changed. Some days, it actually feels worse. I find it so hard to use the word happy because if my decent moments are what happy feels like… then happy isn’t great. The better days… are the ones where I’m distracted enough to ignore my reality. So I’ve developed better denial skills? Or I haven’t… because it eventually makes me feel awful anyway. I’m sorry. I appreciate you so much… and I know there’s nothing anyone can do for me.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Meg Sorick says:

        It seems like the fundamental question is why you don’t like yourself? What could change that? Do you feel like you need external validation for that? Because you have a whole lot of people right here who think you’re awesome. Flawed and awesome. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t know why, but I have never liked myself. Honestly, I remember feeling some form of self-loathing as young as about 7 years old. I have no idea how to fix that. That’s what stupid therapy is supposed to be for. It’s been 2 months… Nothing seems to have changed. It does feel like I need external validation but, like, constantly. And I can’t hire someone to sit on my shoulder and make me feel better about myself 24/7. Plus if I paid someone… well then they’re just telling me what I want to hear… doesn’t mean they believe it.

          I see the flawed… But the awesome? No so much.

          And you are a great friend. And I wish I was a better one. xoxo

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know the answers to any of those questions you posed in the last paragraph. Just keep your head up and keep at it. I don’t know what the alternative is. 😕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Like I just told Meg… I know there’s nothing anyone can do for me or say to me. I don’t even know why I post this crap. The only things that might make me feel better are lies. Sometimes I actually want that. I want someone to lie to me and tell me it’s all going to be okay. But that’s so stupid because I won’t believe it anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I believe things do get better, but not by osmosis. Gotta put in the effort, which you are obviously are based on job search, therapy, etc. Hard work is usually rewarded. I just know when I’m down, I hate being regurgitated on with cliche’s and motivational words. I need to stew and lick my wounds. Until I’ve had enough of that shit and actually take the bull by the horns. So, I avoided the bullshit “It’ll be alright” or “Everything will work out” speech. I believe it will, because you’re trying. But, what the fuck do I know. I’ll just say I’m sending good vibes your way, not for a miracle, but for you to have some peace and gain some confidence in yourself and your ability to punch your way outta the corner. Keep swinging. One of those punches will land.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. gigglingfattie says:

    Hugs for you Sandra! And lots of positive vibes!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi, I think you are doing better, just being able to enumerate some changes. But I do think it’s a long road and a combination of meds and behavior modification. I think it’s difficult for the person with the issues to see the changes in themselves. I really think all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And try to stop the bad thoughts as soon as they start with a reminder of the good things in your life — your kids, basic needs being met like food and shelter, your mom, all of us who love you, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Diane. I guess maybe it’s like losing a few pounds… other people might see it but I look at myself every day so I don’t? I am just so frustrated… paying for therapy I can’t afford without seeing any changes. And of course, if this really doesn’t work… if it doesn’t help… then what? This was my last ditch effort. I try to focus on the good things when I feel especially bad. But the guilt is overwhelming. Thank you again. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t know the answers to your questions above, but I do know why you post this stuff. Why we all post this stuff…

    Sometimes writing it out is ALL we have. I get it and wish you the best!


    Liked by 1 person

  8. Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. If this were happening to another person, I bet you wouldn’t be questioning why it’s taking them so long, or putting them down. You’d be reassuring them that this feeling will not last forever. You’d do something to comfort them. You deserve those same kind thoughts and words, ESPECIALLY from yourself. Hugs for you, my dear ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. wwwpalfitness says:

    I always like reading your posts and we have some common friends and I am glad you are there for them as well:)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Miriam says:

    Hi Sandra, I just finished reading all the comments from all these awesome bloggers that obviously love you to bits, flaws, hang ups and all (which, by the way, we all have). Now it’s your turn to try and love yourself (oh groan, now I sound like Justin Bieber). But seriously Sandra, we’re all batting for you and believe in you. Hang in there, things will change and you will get through this. Slowly but surely. Hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I want so badly to know how I can be one of those people for whom everything just works out. I’ve been looking for that answer my whole life. It’s hard (impossible) to keep from thinking I can’t find that because I don’t deserve it… or I haven’t earned it. And when I believe that, it’s hard to love myself because I’m so angry with and disappointed in myself. And, of course, I’m confused and stunned when people believe in me because I (mostly) don’t. I have so much love I want to give but I can’t seem to ‘waste it’ on myself. I don’t understand why I’m this way but I’m so grateful that you see me the way you do… and not the way I do. Thanks for being so sweet and supportive. Hugs ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  11. mandibelle16 says:

    Sandra all you can do is your best. You don’t have to meet expectations of others — except your kids. Focus on them and yourself and just relax. Maybe search for a therapist online you could talk to –if your benefits cover that and hopefully they do. Also, maybe going with a temp agency would help you find a job? You meet with them and they find jobs for you. You can work at places for just a little while (as needed) and if you like somewhere you can stay if they want. Just trying to help. I know its hard for you and I hope you can find some relief. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Mandi. I have a therapist. That’s who “he” was in this post. Also… I have worked through (and even at) temp agencies before. I’ve contacted a few but none of them have had anything for me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mandibelle16 says:

        Okay. I’m glad you have the therapist even though, your feelings seem mixed about it. I’m not sure where else to help with jobs. I’m trying to find something legit I can do from home a few hours a week, but it’s difficult. Maybe the economy just isn’t good right now for jobs in the US as well? I’m not sure. Have a nice weekend 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • I have also looked for something I could do from home. It’s so hard to find anything! And that would help with the offsetting of childcare costs and everything. Although… it would be good for me to get out of the house, I think. Hope you have a nice weekend,too.

          Liked by 1 person

  12. Lennon Carlyle says:

    You want to see something good? Good luck is what you want? How about you have over fifty comments of support here? Have you thought about that? No, it’s not a job, no it’s not a million dollars, no it didn’t answer a fucking thing for you….BUT you have your own groupies/fan club here. Can you take that in? You actually have people that care about you and how you feel. Do you get that? Because I’m one of these people. Yeah, I know, I’m a day late here but I scanned through the comments and for fuck’s sake, I wish I had this many followers that commented on my shit. Girl, you are loved. Cry happy tears, because we all care about you and I think you’re fantastic. You’re so intelligent, talented, funny, and you’re my friend. I wish I could give you a huge big ass hug right now and buy you a fruity drink and raise my glass and say “THAT’S MY GIRL!” Seriously, the comments made me smile for you. There are some good people here. Warms my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I must sound like such an ungrateful bitch. And my God, I don’t mean to at all. I have no idea what I would do without my friends here. I don’t think I’d make it. I appreciate everyone SO much. I am stuck in this scary-as-hell place where I have no idea what happens to me and my children when the money’s gone. And that’s coming soon… it is clouding every single tiny spec of my life. The fear and the guilt… it is fucking with me constantly. If I smile, as soon as I am consciously aware of the smile, every fear and worry and stress… it all crashes back and takes the smile away. It takes everything away.

      I cried for every single comment here. I have been sobbing for two days. You… my friends here… you’re the only friends I have… the only support I have. It shocks me every day… with every like, every comment that people care.

      I hope you (and everyone) know that I’m extremely thankful and I do know that I am lucky to have you. I do. I am just so scared. And so angry with myself because I can’t fix it.

      You are so SO amazing. And I’ve never thought of myself as having “groupies”… but, see, you made me smile. And of course, cry. ♥ ♥ ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Marquessa says:

    Please hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

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