I’m still struggling with this. Still, God dammit! When does it turn the corner? When does it make one damn bit of difference at all?
It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? Trying to fix things. Getting help with what I couldn’t seem to fix on my own. But when do you know if you’ve made the right call? When do you know it’s right… or it’s wrong? When? And how?
I understand what he’s trying to accomplish. I really do. I’m not sure I believe in it… but I’ve been doing what’s asked of me. Am I just going through the motions? I want it to help… I want it to work. But is it working? It doesn’t feel like it. He pointed out a couple of small changes that he’s noticed. I will be honest – I didn’t notice them. I know everything’s not going to just magically be “fixed”. Poof! No… I don’t expect that. I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t expect to feel… nothing.
I have managed to spend more time in my personal hell [job hunting] without having constant meltdowns. Is that progress? Or is it desperation? I’ve spoken on the phone a couple of times… but don’t get excited – I didn’t make the calls. And they went nowhere.
It’s not Sandra-hell all the time. That’s not the picture I’m trying to paint. That’s not an accurate picture. Yes, some mornings, I wake up with the heaviness of an anvil on my chest and near-instant tears before I’ve even had a chance to lift my head from my pillow. But I’ve also had some good days over the past few weeks. They tend to be the days I’m able to avoid job-search-hell… but they’re pretty good days.
Until the guilt sets in.
How dare you smile and feel a shred of happiness when you haven’t found a job yet? You don’t deserve to enjoy yourself until you’re working… earning something. And you sure as fuck don’t deserve that extra coffee you just bought.
Tomorrow I see him yet again. (As usual, it’s after midnight as I write this… so technically I see him ‘today’… in about 9 hours.) And I will be thinking of telling him… of asking him… again… should I see a change? Should something be ‘working’ yet? Is this just not going to work for me? And if not, am I out of options? Because… then what?
And for fuck’s sake, please do not tell me I have to make change happen… don’t tell me I have to work for things to get better. Just don’t. Because I am trying so fucking hard… and nothing improves. There is such a thing as luck. Plenty of people have good luck. I’ve seen it. Shit just works out for them whether they try or not. I have no clue what that’s like. Yeah, I have luck. But only the bad kind.
I’m tired of feeling broken. And lonely. And utterly inconsequential. And I’m tired of failing. And crying. When do I get a break? When do I have some good luck? When do things start to work out?